I feel incapable of doing easy tasks, Any advice?
Moms 98 I’m 65. Since mom had a knee replacement at 80 I’ve cared for her and her demands and her needs have steadily increased over the years. I had time off work and used holiday to take her to hospital appointments for years. She’s now completely disabled and still lives in her own home and I live a short distance away. She finally since going off her legs has carers call in 4 times a day. Although I oversee all her needs and run her home or she would be in a care home years ago.
But just recently I find I can’t function that well or think straight or do simple tasks without getting in a tangle. I’m forever tripping over all the aids around mums house and end up hurting myself. She prefers to use the commode while I’m there she’s very deaf and most conversations ends up with aye ?? It drives me mad.
I can’t think what food or in the way of shopping she needs because her taste changes all the time. She usually has toast and butter. I watch good food I’ve bought go to waste. I’m wondering if I have a burned out mind or if I myself have the start of Alzheimer’s? Not many know especially mom I have depression for years. Brought on by a miserable marriage and an abusive x husband. I had a lucky escape. I worked full time until I was 60 in a stressful job to bring up 2 daughters. One now lives with me with her 4 year old after her relationship failed. My other daughter is settled happily with a baby who I look after 1 day a week. He’s my lifeline.
I’ve taken medication for years. I sometimes feel so down and can’t face visiting mom but I do. She sits all day watching tv or sleeping. I used to visit twice a day but now I only call in once for my sanity. She asked me tonight what I was doing tomorrow? I think hoping I’d say I’ll be down during the day. But I must to help her start painstakingly writing xmas cards as we have for god knows how many years. Then I post them or deliver them.
. I have nothing planned tomorrow but I do have lots to do. Meaning I need the sanctuary of being I. my own home and my own surroundings. Not moms bulky furniture and clutter she’s had forever. I sort our Prescriptions, medication. hospital visits, doctors, nurses, assessments, food shopping, washing, finances, chiropodist, hearing test, gardener, and the cleaner gave up with back problems. If I gave up on her my brother would not hesitate
putting her into a home. She’s done so well up until now it would be terrible I think the end of her as she has her faculties. She has visitors and friends phone she’s luckier than most. I know I’m burned out. But can’t help wonder if there is something else underlying thats wrong with me? I can’t talk to my brother for obvious reasons. I can’t worry my daughters who have busy jobs and young families. I must pluck up courage to talk to the doctor and be honest for help.
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I will admit that when I looked at the statistics that said that the majority of patients die within 6 months of being admitted to a Nursing Home, I assumed that my mother would die within that time frame.
But she didn't. She lived for another 4 1/2 mostly happy and mostly healthy years. She got NURSING care, something that isn't going to happen at home.
This is such an important message to tell the original poster.
So often, one child (usually the daughter) is caring for the elderly parent. The parent’s needs may not be as challenging early on, so the daughter takes on the responsibility, having no clue as to what truly lies ahead.
Sometimes there are extenuating circumstances why we take a parent into our homes. As you know, my mother suddenly became homeless due to hurricane Katrina. My immediate reaction was to comfort and care for mom.
Life is messy and complicated. We have a mixture of emotions and we may not be aware that we need professional help to sort it out.
Things would have been handled so differently if I would’ve been open to speak with an objective professional sooner rather later after I fell apart.
I dove into caregiving completely blind! Neither of my parents were caregivers to their parents. I had no frame of reference.
Hindsight is 20/20. Blindsided people aren’t capable of doing their best in evaluating the entire situation.
When you heard my story on AgingCare awhile back, you were honest and compassionate with me. I will forever be grateful to you and all others that helped me while I was drowning during my caregiving journey.
My therapist opened my eyes up to many things. The in person caregiver group that I joined was very helpful.
I had fear of my mother dying in a facility but it was so much more than that. I truly believed that I had to do everything to the max to help my mom. Maybe that stems from my mother being a perfectionist when I was growing up.
I asked mom if she wanted to move in right after my dad died. I promised my dad that I would care for her. Mom said that she wanted to remain in her home. I respected her decision. She moved in right after hurricane Katrina completely destroyed her home.
Mom appreciated being able to live with us but it was an adjustment for her. She loved being in her own home.
I didn’t even realize that ego plays a part in all of this. I believed that no one could possibly care for my mother as well as I could. Seeing this in retrospect was quite a revelation for me.
The truth of course is exactly what you said, our loved ones are cared for in facilities. We are able to continue to care for them by overseeing their care.
I am not knocking caregivers at home in any way. I did it for many years.
All I am saying is, when the burden becomes too heavy, we must let go. People feel that they are strong by holding on. Believe me when I say that it takes strength to let go too. Sometimes that is the best thing for everyone involved, including your loved ones that you are caring for. Our loved ones will receive 24/7 care in a facility.
As for the Christmas cards tell her you just can't do them anymore. Ask her to pick 10 people and leave it at that. I mean at her age how many people can she possibly have to send cards to at this point?
And it is amazing how well a person can seem to be doing when they have someone literally doing everything for them. If you were to die or be hospitalized tomorrow mom would have to be placed in a facility. It's time to have an honest talk with mom about how you are feeling and what the solutions are.
I was talking to my sister tonight, who is just like me, and we both recently were able to get rid of self imposed guilt and accept that for right now, our caregiving sister doesn’t want help, or visits. We were being harder on ourselves, than we would allow anyone else to be to us. Take care.
You are burnt out. You have done too much for too long. Stress can do a number on you. Time to place her in LTC, Longterm care. Time to enjoy what you have left of life.
But turns out, she lived for 5 1/2 truly happy years there, I enjoyed our nearly daily visits, she loved her caregivers, and they loved her.
Both you and your mother may well be very surprised at how happy both of you can be with a knew look on life.
It’s time. For BOTH of you.
First: Having her placed is not giving up on her. It’s being safe and practical. She needs more help that you, a lone person, can no longer give. At the rate you’re going, your grand baby will have little to no memory of you. Because you’ll be dead before your time. I’m serious.
Second: Why do you automatically assume assisted living (AL) would be the end of her? There are lots of people in AL who are mentally sound. Listen to people here who have placed their parents. Many report their parents improved! They socialized more, had their own space, got help when they needed it. Even the parents who complained!
I read your topic after literally struggling to write appointments in my calendar and finding myself writing words wrong, writing in the wrong month, etc…I’ve been double booking and mixing up tasks for weeks…near tears here as each minor error becomes a bigger problem later.
Not your case probably but I have ADHD which I do pretty well with but managing elder care on top of my own life finally cooked my brain. It has to do with working memory and the stress over all this time absolutely has tanked it. I feel absolutely crazy but the point is I have to constantly remind myself this is simply how my own brain waves and chemicals function and there’s science to back this up.
After all this time of high stress your brain waves and chemistry are probably acting up too. You’re not crazy!! I’m in agreement with people here; delegate as much as possible and eliminate what isn’t absolutely necessary. Doctor could help too.
Again, you’re not crazy! You need some space to be you and give your mind a rest when possible. Big hug…
Put her in a home.
She has not done well....YOU have done well in managing her care.
What you are describing in your post/question is CAREGIVER BURNOUT and it may also describe to some degree PTSD.
Finding Assisted Living place for mom is not the end of the world. It is going to allow you to become a daughter again not just a caregiver. It will allow you to heal mentally, emotionally from all that you have been though.
It is not going to get easier to care for mom it WILL get more difficult. You have seen that yourself in the past 18 years..18 YEARS !!!
Take care of yourself...look for AL for mom, talk to your doctor about the stress you are having and a few sessions with a therapist might help. (always good to "vent" to a unbiased party that can allow you to voice what you want to)
If you do not care for yourself are you willing to put YOUR kids through what your mom has put you through?
I don't like the idea of more/different meds or therapy to help you. It's pretty obvious to me that your responsibility for your mother is the major cause of your issues.
"If I gave up on her my brother would not hesitate putting her into a home. She’s done so well up until now it would be terrible I think the end of her as she has her faculties."
Is that so bad? Remember, you have given her 18 years.
Don't you want to stay healthy for your kids and grandkids?
Please don't pile on me about this but some doctors may not yet be aware of these studies. Check it out. Hopefuly, this is an advance in thinking that will lead to much more discussion, research and some real progress for depression.
With all HappyDaze has been doing, I am surprised she has not hit the wall sooner. You are on overload! Even when delgating, we still have a lot to keep in our heads at one time-- a thousand small decisions lead to decision overload, mentally. Be kind to yourself as well as your Mom. Get a complete check-up. B12, B vitamins iron, vit. D, and make sure to get enough magnesium- something my dentist and others say is frequently low in many of us. Can cause teeth grinding. Glycinate or citrate is better than oxide forms as they are easier on digestive tract. Take an epsom salts bath.
My Mom was in AL, it was not perfect, and I was still heavily involved and saw her 3-6 days per week (usually 5). At the least, meals, showers, laundry, cleaning were taken care of, along with providing the opportunity to socialize at activities or in the dining room even if she didn't take advantage of them at times. There was more going on and more people around than in her home. I still suffered healthwise and emotionally from it all as I am fixer and worrier. I would never have been able to do it all on my own. I would have died before her, I think. Not to mention the hardship on a marriage and trying to devote attention to your spouse/family as well.
Your Mom is 98 and she will pass in a shorter or longer time frame despite your best efforts at some point. Will it be sooner if she goes to a facility? Maybe, maybe not, but either way she is nearing the end of her days. My Mom lived there for almost 4 years and passed at age 96.
I was still her caregiver as I remained very involved in her care- taking her to doctor appointments or being there when the NP came, taking her on outings, keeping up with meds etc... I don't know where this idea comes from that having the help of a facility means we have to abandon our loved one. Does she really want you to wear yourself down or kill yourself trying to do it all for her? It gets harder as we get a little older ourselves.
Next, get a driver to take her places.
These are often chores that are more negotiable and readily available than a full-time carer/caregiver.
If food is going to waste, it may be because she needs it prepared, served, and someone to sit with her while she eats. The two of you can eat together?
One option would be to print out a list of menu options and give it to the lady so that when the carers ask her what she'd like she doesn't just say "toast."
Except for neglecting yourself, maybe nothing else is wrong with you.
After all this time on medication, you may need your meds reviewed.
A slight change can help. Our body's needs change as we age. Many meds are no longer given to persons age 65 and older. Better ones are available, or even a possible decrease!
If you can sign up for Medicare Part A & B, with a good supplemental,
plan F or G, you may even be able to choose your own new doctor. Be sure to do this now, before Dec. 7th.
Yes, pluck up your courage, little chicken, and talk first to your doctor.
You will need to be 100% to care for your grand baby and the 4 year old.
That can be your courage and motivation.
See your doctor, even if it has to be done by telehealth.
Then, can you change things up a bit? You stay home with the 4 y.o., and send adult daughter to shop for your Mom. Can you try that?
For people over 65 in the U.S.:
"If you can sign up for Medicare Part A & B, with a good supplemental,
plan F or G, you may even be able to choose your own new doctor. Be sure to do this now, before Dec. 7th."
Who's providing the four support calls daily?
Have you been offered and had a Carer's Assessment?
Do speak to your doctor. Explain exactly how you feel. Follow through with any follow up visits. If the doctor recommends that you speak to a therapist, do it. It helps.
I felt completely overwhelmed when I was caring for my mother. Lack of sleep, stress, etc can cause memory issues because we are overwhelmed. Don’t automatically assume that you have the beginning of Alzheimer’s disease.
It’s obvious how much you care about your mom. I cared deeply for my mother too. Sometimes caregivers fall into the caregiver mode so deeply that we lose sight of our own needs.
Give yourself permission to stop doing things that aren’t absolutely necessary. Christmas cards aren’t a priority.
My mom was the same way. She loved sending cards and receiving cards.
I told her that I stopped the sending cards years ago and started selecting special cards only for the people who mattered the most to me. I placed those cards on their gifts.
I told mom that she could do the same and attach cards only to the gifts that she gave. I made one exception for her. I mailed cards to out of state relatives and a couple of close friends. I had to do all of the writing and addressing envelopes too. She had awful tremors due to Parkinson’s disease.
Limit what you do. Eliminate the rest. I am glad that your mom has caregivers to help out too.
Finally, please don’t rule out placing her in a facility or nursing home if you feel that she needs 24/7 care. You can oversee her care by being a strong advocate for her.
Best wishes to you and your family.
I highly recommend you start doing meditation. Go to your local library and find a good book on meditation. There are different techniques. Find one that suits you best for beginners. Meditation calms and restores your mind.
I read somewhere that Buddhist monks (who meditate daily) don't get dementia. I don't know how true the claim is, so don't hold me to that. Certainly does not hurt to try.
Good luck.
It is calming to meditate. We have to learn to take care of ourselves.
It's a sign to step back - get rest - pull back from taking care of others...and taking time for yourself. If it means spending less time with your mom and finding other alternatives for an aide to step in for some of the responsibilities you mentioned...and taking time to focus on you - things that you like to do..seeing friends..relaxing...whatever makes you happy.
Wishing you all the best :)