I've been my dad's caretaker for the last 5 years. He has Parkinson's and dementia. These days he is largely bedridden, as both conditions have progressed to advanced stages. Even though it was hard, I was happy to take care of him. He is a great dad who deserved the best care and I was happy to be that.
At the same time, I've applying for jobs. I've been unemployed for these last few years. I am 34 years old. I finally received a job offer today and I start Monday. The job itself is something I've been looking for.
Initially, I felt happy and excited and relieved. But that was then replaced with an incredible sadness. The sadness that I can no longer care for my dad the way I have been. I've been crying about since I got the offer.
I am happy to have a job and move forward with my life and I know that's what my dad wanted for me, too. And I will always be back at home after work to care for him. And yet, I feel very sad and it's almost grief-like because I'm moving forward in life while his is slowly ending.
I don't know how to overcome this sadness and allow myself to be happy. The tears just keep rolling down.
This is one of those times.
You didn't cause any of the problems of aging your father is facing.
Guilt requires causation and having not caused and being unable to fix or change things, this isn't really what you are feeling.
Words have great power. I encourage you to change out the real g-words for the more correct word "GRIEF" for aging care is full of that. You are grieving that you are not the Saint, the be-all and end-all who can do-it-all. You are human with limitations and you correctly recognize that you need a job, and a work history and a lifetime of savings to insure that you are safe when the time of your own aging is upon you.
Congratulations on the new job. Happy as this time is there ARE repercussions now; you can't do it all. I wish you the best of luck as you negotiate this time of change for you and for your Dad.
The way things are going in this Country, you need to take care of yourself, too.
Congratulations on getting a job you wanted. You have a chance to get your life back and have a a solid future. Your Dad would be proud. Once you start the job, you will be too busy to be sad. Just throw yourself into it and do your best!
You already had the hardest job there is. You will handle it fine!! You can tell him about it when you see him. You got this!
Stage 1 - Denial - the feeling that "this" can't be happening
Stage 2 - Anger - the feeling that "this" isn't right or shouldn't have happened (feeling short-changed)
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the feeling that doing... should make it be just like it "used to be"
Stage 4 - Depression - the feeling of sadness that "this" is not changing or going back to the way it was before (what used to be normal)
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the feeling of peace or "okay-ness" in what is now the way life is.
You are feeling struck by how things have changed, the implications of those changes, and the knowledge that this "new normal" is not just all good but some bittersweet as well. Cherish the times you have with your dad - make memories. Share your new experiences with him which may remind him of his work experiences. You even learn something new about your dad or about how to navigate this new job.
Pity those guilt tripped by the selfish ones. He spared you this miserable torment. Enjoy your new beginning. You certainly earned it.
But if you think you do, you have it from other caregivers that know what you are going through.
Onward.
I am sure that you will still be there for him but most importantly, you do need to get on with your life. The reality is that he will not live forever and you need to have your own life. You are so very lucky that your dad recognizes this and is encouraging you.
You will still be there for him, as you rightfully focus on your career.
Be at peace.
To suddenly give that up is a Huge life change! It's ok to acknowledge it, to feel sad for a while, but do not feel guilty! It is time for you to move on to a new, and happier chapter in your life. This is a healthy change for you. Embrace it.
You have planned for it - you say you've been looking for the job you have landed! Good for you!
His life will slowly end with or without you by his side. He appreciates that you have been so dedicated to him, and I'm sure he recognizes that you must move on now. If he doesn't recognize it, due to dementia, there is nothing more you can to to help him to understand.
And I do believe that things happen for a reason when they happen. (Gibbs Rule 39 if you ever watched NCIS)
You were able to care for your dad when he needed and when you could safely care for him.
Now, when he is bedridden and (hate to be blunt) reaching closer to the end of his life you get a job that you were intended to get.
This will give you purpose, this will give you something to do, you will have people that you will work with that will be there to support you during this difficult time and when dad dies they will be there to help you after.
I understand the tears and the sadness.
You are grieving.
And I imagine you are a bit nervous and possibly a little scared starting a new phase of your life.
Give yourself permission to enjoy your life. You have done a great job taking care of your dad. (((hugs)))
I hope that you can move past the grief and find a way to start living for you. This is your time now.
If your dad could express himself, as he was before dementia robbed his faculties, he'd tell you there's nothing for you to feel guilty about and that he's proud of you for picking up your life again. It really is a great achievement.
He didn't bring you up to not live your life, so honour him by making the most of every day. Honour him and yourself by finding joy in the little things.
Keep taking those small steps forward until it no longer feels so hard, until that burden you're carrying feels lighter.
If you can get counselling, take it. If you can't, and you can't join a group counselling meet-up, then look for self help books on overcoming grief and on building resilience.
I wish you all the best.
You will not be able to care for him alone now that you are starting to work. He needs help during the day, and you can help the new caregiver by educating them in all aspects of caregiving that you have done so well during the past 5 years. Please do not assume that you can take over the night's care and do two jobs for long.
Set up a good communication system so that you know what has transpired during the day when you come back from work. I developed a nice worksheet so that the aides who helped me care for my wife had a clear picture when the shift changed and a new aide took over. If you like, I have explained it in detail in my book, Dementia Care Companion"
Now you will be working, supporting yourself PLUS be your Dad's best Advocate. A double-positive gift to both you & him.
🏅🏅
However, this is a big change and you are experiencing grief. There are many things that are losses that need to be grieved. Be kind to yourself, and go through the process. The changes for you and for your dad are significant. Sadness is normal. ((((hugs))))