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I've been my dad's caretaker for the last 5 years. He has Parkinson's and dementia. These days he is largely bedridden, as both conditions have progressed to advanced stages. Even though it was hard, I was happy to take care of him. He is a great dad who deserved the best care and I was happy to be that.


At the same time, I've applying for jobs. I've been unemployed for these last few years. I am 34 years old. I finally received a job offer today and I start Monday. The job itself is something I've been looking for.


Initially, I felt happy and excited and relieved. But that was then replaced with an incredible sadness. The sadness that I can no longer care for my dad the way I have been. I've been crying about since I got the offer.


I am happy to have a job and move forward with my life and I know that's what my dad wanted for me, too. And I will always be back at home after work to care for him. And yet, I feel very sad and it's almost grief-like because I'm moving forward in life while his is slowly ending.


I don't know how to overcome this sadness and allow myself to be happy. The tears just keep rolling down.

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Life is full of sadness.
This is one of those times.

You didn't cause any of the problems of aging your father is facing.
Guilt requires causation and having not caused and being unable to fix or change things, this isn't really what you are feeling.

Words have great power. I encourage you to change out the real g-words for the more correct word "GRIEF" for aging care is full of that. You are grieving that you are not the Saint, the be-all and end-all who can do-it-all. You are human with limitations and you correctly recognize that you need a job, and a work history and a lifetime of savings to insure that you are safe when the time of your own aging is upon you.
Congratulations on the new job. Happy as this time is there ARE repercussions now; you can't do it all. I wish you the best of luck as you negotiate this time of change for you and for your Dad.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Congratulations on your job. You've done a great job caring for Dad. Your Dad would definitely want you to move forward in your life and achieve your dreams. You can still visit Dad.
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Reply to brandee
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Take that job, being out of work for 5 yrs is a long time. You probably can collect full Social Security at 67. SS only goes back 35 yrs for earnings. So this is the time you need to work and get those earnings. Lets say you don't work another 5 years, your SS will only be calulated on 30 years.

The way things are going in this Country, you need to take care of yourself, too.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You are going thru many emotions, including a new job and moving forward after being a full time Caregiver for 5 years.

Congratulations on getting a job you wanted. You have a chance to get your life back and have a a solid future. Your Dad would be proud. Once you start the job, you will be too busy to be sad. Just throw yourself into it and do your best!

You already had the hardest job there is. You will handle it fine!! You can tell him about it when you see him. You got this!
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Reply to Dawn88
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Move forward. As hard as it is. Do what is best for you and your future. Dad had his life and you were a huge part and a caregiver. Most people don’t do that. But it’s time for you to take care of you. You may feel guilty, it’s okay. Go forward with your life anyway. If your dad was whole and healthy, he would want that. Get durable support for him if you can. Other family who will commit to being a caregiver for him, paid caregivers or facility care. If you are treading this path alone, I understand. It would be nice to have a village to support us. Sometimes, our parents should have created that village and we just parachute in for the 9th inning. It doesn’t matter, do what is best for you. I’m talking to you and myself.
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Reply to Beethoven13
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Try to be happy. You are lucky that your dad wants you to be happy. A lot of aging parents only want their grown children to take care of them. Be excited about your job and look forward to sharing all the details with your dad! My dad is in a facility and I took care of him many years before he went to the facility. He did not want me to work and still does not. You can try to overcome your sadness by reminding yourself that your dad wants you to be happy.
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Reply to faithfulbeauty
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Have you considered therapy? Life transitions can be very emotional and chatting with someone can help.
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Reply to JustAnon
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cover9339 Jul 15, 2025
So very true.
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It might help to know the stages of grief - or loss - and know that all people pretty much go through the same stages.
Stage 1 - Denial - the feeling that "this" can't be happening
Stage 2 - Anger - the feeling that "this" isn't right or shouldn't have happened (feeling short-changed)
Stage 3 - Bargaining - the feeling that doing... should make it be just like it "used to be"
Stage 4 - Depression - the feeling of sadness that "this" is not changing or going back to the way it was before (what used to be normal)
Stage 5 - Acceptance - the feeling of peace or "okay-ness" in what is now the way life is.

You are feeling struck by how things have changed, the implications of those changes, and the knowledge that this "new normal" is not just all good but some bittersweet as well. Cherish the times you have with your dad - make memories. Share your new experiences with him which may remind him of his work experiences. You even learn something new about your dad or about how to navigate this new job.
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Reply to Taarna
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Congratulations on getting the job you wanted!!
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Reply to cover9339
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Your Dad is giving you a gift. He has the love for you and grace to know YOUR independence, your emotional well being, your physical health needs to be lived. He does not want you to be a care-slave but a happy well adjusted woman, out in the world.
Pity those guilt tripped by the selfish ones. He spared you this miserable torment. Enjoy your new beginning. You certainly earned it.
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Reply to JeanLouise
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You don't need anyone's permission to do what's right.
But if you think you do, you have it from other caregivers that know what you are going through.
Onward.
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Reply to hmyers
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You are grieving your dad. Your dad will never be healthy again. It is not your fault. As long as someone else is caring for your dad while you are at work, everything is fine. Not trying to push meds, but there are anti anxiety and anti depressants that will keep you calm while trying to function. This is taking a toll on you. Do not ever feel guilty! You have a heart!
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Reply to Onlychild2024
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You have given your dad the last 5 years of your life. As hard as it is to admit, it is probably time for him to move to some type of assisted living/nursing home.
I am sure that you will still be there for him but most importantly, you do need to get on with your life. The reality is that he will not live forever and you need to have your own life. You are so very lucky that your dad recognizes this and is encouraging you.
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Reply to mikeindc
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You have a good Dad. He wants you to think about your own life and future. Many aging parents on this forum think the opposite way.

You will still be there for him, as you rightfully focus on your career.

Be at peace.
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Reply to Danielle123
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It's not surprising to feel grief. You have built an identity around being Dad's caretaker, and have spent every day with him, your life revolving around him.

To suddenly give that up is a Huge life change! It's ok to acknowledge it, to feel sad for a while, but do not feel guilty! It is time for you to move on to a new, and happier chapter in your life. This is a healthy change for you. Embrace it.
You have planned for it - you say you've been looking for the job you have landed! Good for you!
His life will slowly end with or without you by his side. He appreciates that you have been so dedicated to him, and I'm sure he recognizes that you must move on now. If he doesn't recognize it, due to dementia, there is nothing more you can to to help him to understand.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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There came a time when I could not tithe to my church and help my mother also. I consulted with pastors and others who were in my situation. They all assured me that if I continued to tithe everything would be alright. I did not feel satisfied with these answers, so I went to Jesus. He said " If you can help your mother and tithe to the church so be it. If you can help your mother and have less than a tithe to give to the church, so be it. If you can help your mother and have nothing left over with which to tithe, so be it. You will have done all that I would expect of you to do. Honor your father and your mother that your days may be long in the land that our Father in heaven hath given thee." (Matthew 15.1-9). You have done all that you can for your father which honors him in his eyes and in the eyes of the Creator. Now be happy in the land that has been given to thee for length of time.
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Reply to johnawheeler
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I am sure that your dad is overjoyed that you are able to move on with what you want to do.
And I do believe that things happen for a reason when they happen. (Gibbs Rule 39 if you ever watched NCIS)
You were able to care for your dad when he needed and when you could safely care for him.
Now, when he is bedridden and (hate to be blunt) reaching closer to the end of his life you get a job that you were intended to get.
This will give you purpose, this will give you something to do, you will have people that you will work with that will be there to support you during this difficult time and when dad dies they will be there to help you after.

I understand the tears and the sadness.
You are grieving.
And I imagine you are a bit nervous and possibly a little scared starting a new phase of your life.
Give yourself permission to enjoy your life. You have done a great job taking care of your dad. (((hugs)))
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Reply to Grandma1954
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Let it go and get on with your Life , your Father would want you to be happy
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Reply to KNance72
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It's okay to experience strong emotions and to cry. This is such a bittersweet time for you.
I hope that you can move past the grief and find a way to start living for you. This is your time now.

If your dad could express himself, as he was before dementia robbed his faculties, he'd tell you there's nothing for you to feel guilty about and that he's proud of you for picking up your life again. It really is a great achievement.

He didn't bring you up to not live your life, so honour him by making the most of every day. Honour him and yourself by finding joy in the little things.

Keep taking those small steps forward until it no longer feels so hard, until that burden you're carrying feels lighter.

If you can get counselling, take it. If you can't, and you can't join a group counselling meet-up, then look for self help books on overcoming grief and on building resilience.

I wish you all the best.
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Reply to MiaMoor
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Congratulations on your new job, and do not feel guilty you cannot do caregiving duties for your father anymore. You're only 34 and have a life with so much fun ahead of you.
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Reply to Patathome01
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You sound like a very kind person and a wonderful daughter - I assume you're a daughter. At any rate, take the job! Getting out, working again, being around other people, I think you will realize you need this interaction. And you deserve to have a life. If you will be still be spending time with your dad I think you will find that the time you spend with him will mean even more to you. If you don't take this job you will likely experience severe burnout from full-time caregiving. Be kind to yourself. Take the job!
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Reply to Valentine15
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Take the job. That is what your father would have told you if he could express his wishes.

You will not be able to care for him alone now that you are starting to work. He needs help during the day, and you can help the new caregiver by educating them in all aspects of caregiving that you have done so well during the past 5 years. Please do not assume that you can take over the night's care and do two jobs for long.

Set up a good communication system so that you know what has transpired during the day when you come back from work. I developed a nice worksheet so that the aides who helped me care for my wife had a clear picture when the shift changed and a new aide took over. If you like, I have explained it in detail in my book, Dementia Care Companion"
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Reply to Samad1
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You were your Dad's primary catetaker for 5 years. A truly wonderful gift.

Now you will be working, supporting yourself PLUS be your Dad's best Advocate. A double-positive gift to both you & him.

🏅🏅
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Reply to Beatty
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Dear one—you have got to take and keep this job for your own personal and financial future. Others can do the hands on while you are gone and you will continue to be their with your live and support. And your dad will be able to share in your success. This will make him happy. ❤️
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Reply to WendyElaine
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Congratulations on getting the job. It's the right thing for you.

However, this is a big change and you are experiencing grief. There are many things that are losses that need to be grieved. Be kind to yourself, and go through the process. The changes for you and for your dad are significant. Sadness is normal. ((((hugs))))
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Reply to golden23
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