Follow
Share

My mom had a-fib, was not on blood thinner because she was a fall risk. I went to visit and noticed her one eye looked different. I ask her if she was feeling alright she said yes. I should have taken her to the hospital, the next day she had a major stroke and lingered for 8 painful days. It’s been 3 1/2 yrs since she passed. I pray she forgives me. It’s hard to live with everyday. Think she was starting to have the stroke when I saw her. I regret not doing something.

Find Care & Housing
Your mom would NOT want you living with this misplaced guilt, so I do hope and pray that you will seek out some good counseling or therapy that can help walk you through this as 3 1/2 years is long enough to be carrying this heavy load.
Greif counseling may help as well.
Bottom line is that is was your moms time to leave this world for the next and there was NOTHING that you could have said or done that would have changed that.
Praying for God's peace and comfort to surround you in the days ahead.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report

Even a medical person cannot predict a stroke the day before it happens. Your mother had atrial fib which can lead to strokes. She was on the appropriate medication to thin her blood in an attempt to avoid a stroke. You do not say if this was a hemorrhagic stroke (which can be caused by blood thinners) or a clotting stoke. You do not say whether or not she was transported to care immediately after she sustained her stroke, nor whether or not she was given clot-buster drugs (which may or may not have worked).

You are not god. It is a kind of hubris to think that you are omnipotent and powerful as a god, who can prevent or cause a stroke. You had no power here and to think you did is self-harming thinking. At this point you are suffering from "complicated grief" which is now a DSM-5 diagnosis. You are eligible for help now by a good in person on site cognitive therapist to help you to correct your thinking. Some of it is habitual rumination, some of it is a lack of knowledge, but in both cases you are harming yourself, and you need help.

Please consider therapy at this time. If you have discussed this with your doctor he/she should have already suggested this to you.

I am very sorry for your loss. Complicated grieving helps us to deny death and to believe there was a cause and effect. Some people blame doctors and nurses and hospitals and rehabs and care centers. Some blame the patient him/herself. Some blame themselves. What you are going through is not uncommon, and you aren't alone.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to AlvaDeer
Report

20/20 hindsight is a wonderful thing. (please read that with the sarcasm it is intended to be) We all look back on different episodes in our lives and wish we could have done something different. I call it the "Shouldacouldawoulda's"
You do not know what would have happened.
She might have had the stroke on the way to the hospital.
She might have had a stroke the day before and it would have been to late to give any of the medications that are used for strokes.
She might have had a muscle tic in that eye and it meant nothing that it "looked different"
She said she was feeling alright.
You spoke with her she sounded alright.
You saw her and other than her eye she looked "normal"
I presume she was mobile during your visit and nothing looked "off" about her gait or how she was moving.

You have nothing to be forgiven for. You did nothing "wrong"

If she did survive the stroke I am sure she would have had more problems
Loss of mobility, loss of cognitive function and possibly many more mini strokes.
If you think you are at fault please forgive yourself, she most certainly has. Let this one thought go.
There is a Holy Day that is coming up. I do not know, or care, what religion if any you may have but...
Wednesday October 1, 2025-Thursday October 2, 2025 is Yom Kippur.
It is a solemn Jewish holy day focused on repentance, fasting and seeking forgiveness for sins.
I think at times we all need a Day of Atonement...maybe more than 1 day
Use that day as a day to focus and reflect on all the good things you did for mom, all the ways that you did help her. And allow yourself to forgive yourself.
🙏((hug))
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Grandma1954
Report

Strokes are very unpredictable . My cousin Had one in St. Thomas laid on the floors for Hours while his brain Bled - he was only 55 and they got him home to Boston. He can't use His Body Much and has the Mind of a 4 year old . He was 6 ft 4 and the union Boss for the Post Office . We can Not predict these things and we all wish we could Have done better but we are Not Doctors or Gods .
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to KNance72
Report

Even if she’d survived the stroke, she would not have been the same person. Likely loss of mobility, vision, or speech, and other brain injuries that would make for a rough and painful existence in the short time she’d have had left.

Do you honestly think your mother is seeing you now and is angry at you? Well, I’d say she isn’t. Would she be able to have peace now if she could see you sad and blaming yourself? No! She can see your soul and she knows you loved her.

Please don’t grieve and blame yourself to death. Surely that is never what she’d want for you! You don’t need to ask her, God, or yourself for forgiveness. Because you did nothing wrong!

My MIL died suddenly of a stroke. Husband found her dead on the floor when he went to check on her that night. Never got to say goodbye. As awful as it was to lose her like that, it was her time. Same with your mother. There is nothing a human can do to stop that time.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to LoopyLoo
Report

Would your mother want you to be dwelling on this 3 1/2 years later? No, she wouldn't. Would she be distressed that you are beating yourself up over something you had no control over? Yes, she would. So please don't take any guilt on yourself. She told you she was fine. If she didn't know what was about to happen, you certainly couldn't have. Wouldn't your mother want you to be remembering all the good things in her life, and your times together, instead of dwelling on this one negative thing? She loved you and wants you to remember her in a positive way. So please banish the guilt and focus on the love.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to MG8522
Report

We all can write a chapter of the book “Things I wish I’d done differently” I might could write several. My mom had four strokes, the last one (that we know about anyway) took all her abilities and she lived four miserable years unable to do even the simplest thing in a nursing home. Her passing after it happened would actually have been a blessing. Your mother’s stroke and aftercare wasn’t your fault, taking responsibility for that is torturing yourself. We’re not medically trained. My mom didn’t see anyone, no doctor at all, after her first stroke. I was stunned. After two more she was put on an aggressive, potent blood thinner, this likely caused the hemorrhagic stroke that was so devastating. A small army of doctors were completely wrong about her recovery. What I’m trying to communicate is, any of us could do everything right, you, me, nurses, doctors, and we don’t alter the outcome. Forgive yourself, go to your local GriefShare group, and do what your mom would really want, move forward in peace. I wish you healing
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Daughterof1930
Report

Whichever doctor didn’t put her on a blood thinner clearly decided the risk wasn’t worth the benefit and that is what caused her stroke. You had nothing to do with her biology so I hope you can forgive yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Bulldog54321
Report
Hothouseflower Sep 22, 2025
We took my mother off Eliquis because she fell several times. One time she fell in the bathroom and hit her head. She required a bunch of stitches but fortunately she did not have a brain bleed. She was 93 at the time. There really was no good decision. We opted for taking our chances that she wouldn’t have a stroke. But we knew that she would fall again. We made the right decision in her case.

Mom’s cardiologist was as useless as tits on a bull. I called him several times about this speak to him about this and hee never called back. So her daughters made the decision.
(3)
Report
I'm sorry you're still struggling with feelings of responsibility about the cause of your mom's death. I don't think that anything you could have done would have prevented the stroke.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Rosered6
Report

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter