My (30s, male, only child) mother (early 60s) just recently had a stroke, one that I would consider relatively mild-moderate, still alert and oriented but that has left her left arm currently flaccid, and left leg weak. The stroke was caught 2 days ago, she is currently in-hospital on a telemetry floor, and the intention is for her to possibly transfer to an in-hospital rehabilitation program, hopefully soon.
Prior to her stroke, my mother was the primary caregiver for my grandmother (early 90s) after losing her job during COVID. My grandmother lives with my aunt. My aunt still works, however, and is only able to help when she gets home from work, often late at night and on the weekend, when she isn't working extra or catching up with her work on Saturdays.
I had helped my mother take care of my grandmother whenever I was available and off work, with increasing frequency in the past 2 years. And since my mom's stroke, I have taken over as day caregiver for grandma. I plan to take some time off work to help take care of her, but, when I do return to work, the current plan is for my only other close family member, my dad (a former private caregiver who is recently unemployed), to help take over caregiving.
When my mother is eventually discharged from hospital, and ideally completes a rehab stay, she would prefer to go stay at my aunt's house and receive home health and therapies (and to be close to grandma). It is still in the future, but my major concern is whether my family can cope with caregiving for both together.
On reviewing the situation, I would rate it as not so insurmountable. My mother is able to ambulate with walker and assistance, her right side is still strong, and she is still alert and motivated to get better. My grandma is more dependent, has mild dementia, requires feeding and close assistance when ambulating, but will stay seated or lying down if she is put that way. My dad has experience as a caregiver, and I myself am a nurse with experience working with stroke patients. Nonetheless, I am still dreading the situation.
I do not expect much physical difficulty with the impeding tasks of caregiving, but it is more the mental and social fatigue I fear. My family are close, but not entirely harmonious. My mom and aunt often frustrate each other, and my mom often comes out increasingly stressed when dealing with her (which may have contributed to the stroke). My dad, while willing to help, can sometimes be insensitive to my mom's concerns. I have a small social circle, mostly coworkers, but I won't lie and say my social life hasn't taken a hit since I have become more involved in caring for my grandma. And as an added caveat, I have taken more of a financial supportive role for my parents. I moved in with them during COVID to better pool our finances. Since my dad has become unemployed, I am the primary source of income. And it has become increasingly clear to me that my parents haven't adequately prepared for retirement - they have little savings, only a small amount of rental income, and standing debts that are currently manageable, but may grow in the coming months. I have, admittedly willingly, provided an increasing chunk of my paycheck in the form of "rent" to help cover any financial shortage and have cut back on my own savings step-by-step. And all this has left me fearful and resentful at times, which brings with it feelings of guilt.
I know I am jumping the gun a bit, my mom isn't even home yet, but I guess I'm trying to be proactive. What steps could I take to address my feelings? And any other advice.
(Excuse the long post, I think I posted so much in part as a means of catharsis.)
No, you are not jumping the gun. This is an opportunity to give fair notice to the elder generation to get their act together and their plans in place. Take this time to let your parents know that organizing their future is up to them. Tell the hospital social worker/discharge planner that you have a full-time job that you need to get back to, so you will be unable to provide care to your mother and grandmother. Your parents and aunt can meet with the social worker, an elder law attorney, a financial advisor, and a senior care manager (in any combination) to work out a plan for themselves and your grandmother that does not involve relying on you.
Take the money you are paying your parents for rent and use it to get your own place (by yourself or with roommates), and resume building your financial future. If you read through this board you will unfortunately find many sad stories of well-intentioned adult children who, out of love and guilt, sacrificed their own lives for their parents or grandparents and wish they could go back and have a redo.
Please get some counseling to remove the guilt and feeling of obligation. You can still be a loving son who visits without sacrificing your own well-being. Let us know how things go as you work your way through this situation.
And NO loving parent would EVER expect their child/children to give up their lives for them, or spend their hard earned money on them. Period, end of sentence.
I hope it's not you that's putting these unrealistic expectations on yourself.
The best thing you can now do for yourself is spend your money on finding a nice home or apartment to rent for yourself, and allow your parents/grandparents to figure things out on their own as they are all adults now and they are NOT your responsibility!
And if money is an issue then they can apply for Medicaid and get whatever assistance that provides.
I wish you well in finding the right place for you to move to and with getting on with living and enjoying your life.
Sometimes stroke patients do better over time with PT. Mom needs to do as much as she can for herself. Do not enable her or disable her. 60 is not too old to recuperate.
From what I read, your parents will need your income, do you need to work. I don't really see where you need to take time off. I think that Aunt has a big decision to make about grandma. She no longer has the help she had.
I read enmeshment here with your family to a massive degree, with all attempting to take responsibility for one another. You see where that has landed you mom at a very early age, and I would take warning of that.
I think in order to have a real life with your own job, your own family, your own home you are going to need to stop being caretaker to a household of folks whose needs are such that they require not just you, but several shifts of workers with several workers each shift.
That is going to require a whole lot more than our suggesting it.
That is going to require will, determination, strength, courage, suffering and mourning.
I think I would start with a very good cognitive therapist.
I wish you the best of luck.
Your grandmother lives with your aunt. That's another household for which you cannot make yourself responsible. You can help them by sitting them all down and figuring out how the four of them (i.e. your father, mother, aunt, and grandmother) might possibly live together, pool resources, and receive services. Depending on which home is bigger and has the better layout, some tough decisions may need to be made including selling a house and investing that money to pay for help.
But the status quo of these four old people doing nothing to help themselves and just rely on you is not sustainable. You are a nurse. Nurses make good money. You can help by paying for professionals to review their situation and get their important paperwork done. This is a give a man a fish versus teach a man to fish situation.
You are right for being proactive. These things take time. Get your mother into rehab. Get your father to accept that he needs to work. Get your aunt in on the conversation. Hopefully they see the wisdom in being proactive. Be ready for pushback and be prepared to stand firm.
Before I let them move in, there were many discussions, a lawyer setting up POAs, Wills, Medical directives. Costs were calculated. Insurance was formalized with beneficiaries understood. Bank accounts were set up. Transfer on death for various retirement accounts were formalized. What if for major illnesses and possible nursing home care, was discussed. Doctor access was formalized from the beginning so that when needed I could smoothly step in and be up to date on health issues. It wasn't a...um ok and then make do.
Everything we could think of was faced, discussed, and a plan of action was listed.
If you cannot have these kinds of conversations with legal protections and access set up before any care-giving starts.. DO NOT BECOME A CAREGIVER.
You are seeing this group of people as all helping each other. That’s seems best, but in fact one person with high needs can overwhelm the group’s ability to cope with anyone else. It can also drag down the people who do the most work. It would help to look at each person’s situation separately, to work out their assets, their future needs, and the best individual options for each separately. No assets and high needs probably means Medicaid, sooner or later.
'Each person's situation' includes you and your aunt. You are close to the start of several long and difficult journeys. Don’t let the most difficult journey ruin the lives of everyone in the group.