I'm in my early 30s, and my father (72) has been in a nursing home since 2020. He has not walked and does not desire to walk. He does not care about his hygiene or life. He has given up on himself
He has been depressed for sometime and even though we have urged him to get help, he refuses and continues to suffer.
I try to see him once a month and will pick up my mother (70) to go see him. She is not all the way mobile, so usually when I see them both, it turns out to be an exhausting day for me.
He was able to walk before but refused to and now here we are. I grew up in a dysfunctional household (alcoholism, mental illness) and my parents decisions have left them lonely. They were good parents, but they just had their own issues. My dad was emotionally distant but he provided. I've done work on myself to unlearn disfunctional behavior but I struggle with my own mental health issues.
And each day seems like a battle to not succumb to depression because I know where it can lead. I've done therapy, try to exercise, pray, be creative, and eat healthy. But lately, those things don't seem like enough. I have a lot of resentment towards them both because I feel cheated out of being parented in my adult life. I look at my friends and their parents babysit for them, and have them over for the holidays. One day I do want to have children, but sadly they won't be able to be active grandparents.
Do you spend a considerable amount of time on social media ? I would limit that until you are feeling better . Comparing your life to others is not helpful to you .
You need to honor yourself first .
And I sometimes fall into the thought pattern of realizing that we will have to have children the hard way.
No built in support from grandparents on his side (his mother is pretty young and still working) and my side (my parents can barely take care of themselves).
We will most likely have to find a baby sitter or daycare. Definitely grieving what could have been and realizing my husband and I will be the parents and grandparents our parents should have been. But part of me longs to be parented as an adult now, but that won't happen. I'm still figuring things out. My mom gives advice here and there, but she's usually coming from a limited perspective.
That's understandable. Totally valid to feel however you do feel.
Someone once said to me "That is the hand you were delt". That simple statment helped me (not sure why) & has stayed with me.
A friend of mine lost one parent as a child, the other as a young adult.
When she became a Mother she did have sadness over what could have been. However, when she married, she gained a set of wonderful active Grandparents to be. She also used daycare & had a wide circle of friends so there were plenty of 'Aunties' & 'Uncles'.
Look for good 'Aunties & Uncles' to add to your life. I know they will not replace your parents, but may help fill some of the gap.
Once a month visit seems a good comprimise to me. Balancing the heaviness & awkwardness of the day VS guilt at not going at all.
Keep up your social connections, hobbies & activities that enhance your life, add enjoymenr, support & fun. The Black Dog can be a bearable life companion if it is trained well & isn't the boss.
I had to look up Black Dog. That's a way to describe depression. Never heard of that before. Thank you for your advice.