I don't know what to do. How do I honor my aging parents, but not at the expense of my own mental health? What resources are there to help me cope?

Not all things can be fixed or changed. To me I read you accept where your family is at well, with some sadness for now & even grief at the future that wasn't to be.
That's understandable. Totally valid to feel however you do feel.

Someone once said to me "That is the hand you were delt". That simple statment helped me (not sure why) & has stayed with me.

A friend of mine lost one parent as a child, the other as a young adult.
When she became a Mother she did have sadness over what could have been. However, when she married, she gained a set of wonderful active Grandparents to be. She also used daycare & had a wide circle of friends so there were plenty of 'Aunties' & 'Uncles'.

Look for good 'Aunties & Uncles' to add to your life. I know they will not replace your parents, but may help fill some of the gap.

Once a month visit seems a good comprimise to me. Balancing the heaviness & awkwardness of the day VS guilt at not going at all.

Keep up your social connections, hobbies & activities that enhance your life, add enjoymenr, support & fun. The Black Dog can be a bearable life companion if it is trained well & isn't the boss.

Do you still go to therapy ? Sounds as if you are grieving the type of parents , ( future grandparents ) that will never be .

Do you spend a considerable amount of time on social media ? I would limit that until you are feeling better . Comparing your life to others is not helpful to you .

You need to honor yourself first .

Well, it's been a while since I've responded on this forum... You just made me look in the mirror... yikes.... I'm heading down the same path as your parents...and my daughter is heading down the same path as you ... :(

I feel she was building up resentment towards us... and this is from her childhood... She grew up literally with grandparents aging. So she did have a few good years before everything went downhill in a handbasket. At one point I told her she had to see a grandma... choose the one who can talk and knows who you are... That way, my spouse and child goes sees his mom and I go see mine...

She has a wonderful auntie, one of my best friends, and then her uncle, who is a bit "extraordinary", but at least he cares enough to actually call her and wants to visit.
So SOMETIMES... FAMILY.... can be overrated... I failed....I admit... I tend to reason the idea she is "stronger" because of all of this...I'm trying to justify all of this.

Perhaps you were saved from not being parented in your adult life. Love your parents for who they are.. now is the time to love unconditionally..

Role reversal is real, and she's already becoming the "parent" as we are the "kids".

Love your parents, as everyday they are becoming your "adult children". They are becoming more dependent on you.

You did find this forum, this is one of your resources to find your answers...look through all the discussions, and when your post is here longer you will find more answers which you will need to filter through to find the answer that best fits your situation...

If your health insurance covers mental health.. you may want to schedule a visit.

OP, I think you are looking for the best in everyone., and punishing yourself when you can’t find it. Stop.

Dad: he won’t walk for himself. No hygiene, he’s given up. He’s depressed, won’t get the help that’s offered. In your childhood (“dysfunctional household - alcoholism, mental illness”), he provided but was distant. It sounds as though he would like it all to come to an end – and perhaps he’s right. Find what you can ‘Honor him for”, and leave the rest to him. You can’t make him change.

Mother: she sounds a bit better. Take her for the monthly visit, and leave her there. They may get on better alone. Pick her up at the end of the day.

Yourself: quit the resentment. My father left when I was 5, and haunted me until I was over 30. Look after yourself and your family. Find nice friends, do favors so you can get some back. Don’t wallow in the past.

Seriously, have you tried laughing and/or listening to your favorite music?

May be an unpopular choice these days but a good church family could fulfill many of the needs you mention. For example, grandparents. So many of us have grandchildren that live away so we love on the other babies in our lives. My daughter loved about 4 hours away for a long time so when “grandparents day” at school was in the middle of the week, our grands had stand-ins from their church. This couple would show up and play the role. They didn’t overstep, they just loved our kids too. There were others who would help my daughter during the service as her husband was the Pastor. The didn’t do a whole lot of babysitting but they traded babysitting with other families in the same circumstance.
Additionally, Faith can very often help with the issues of depression, etc. it’s not a cure, mental I’ll Ed’s is real so please don’t think I’m discounting that but I had a friend at church years ago who suffered from crippling depression. He once didn’t leave his house for nearly two years. When he finally got his meds right, he started back to church and he was so happy to be back. He shared with me all the things that other members had done for him during his dark times and the difference they made. He felt comfortable coming back and rejoining after being away for so long. He even told me one guy wrote to him every single week.
mid this sounds like something that you want to try, I suggest looking for a church with a strong “small group” ministry. This is the best way to get to know people quickly who share some of your interests or are in the same life stage you are.
After my divorce in 2007, I was depressed and embarrassed but my church family loved me through it. Most never even asked what happened, they just embraced me and made me feel less alone.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose how you engage with them (or not).

You're not responsible for their happiness.

I think it's pretty common to have a romanticized version of parents in our heads. Perhaps work on having no expectations. Expectations are premeditated disappointments. An example from my own life is my eldest son, who gave us a "run for our money" from the beginning. While all the other parents were chatting about what colleges their children had applied to (and got accepted at), ours was at a behavioral rehab program several states away. This took him out of his junior year. This meant he wasn't going to graduate with his peers, if at all. I realized I had to stop mourning the death of that HS grad/college dream I had hoped for him. And be ok with it. Not everyone has the same straight path. He's a great son/man/father now. I'm not saying your parents are going to have this transformation -- I'm just saying I could have wasted so much energy on fretting on the crappy present and decided to stop myself. It was a choice. Happiness is a choice. Scripture commands us to be content: "...be content with what you have, for He has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5)

For you... you need to just throw up your hands and say, "oh well!" when it comes to your parents. They are in control of their lives and choices. Alcoholism is a choice. And if they suffer from mental illnesses, there's only so much you can realistically do to help them, but you're not their rescuer, you're not able to be. You focus your energies on developing your own fresh family when you're ready. It won't be perfect, either.

I didn't have a Dad in my life and my Mom was "different". All I can do is learn from that and try not to repeat the parts I didn't like. Also remember that there will always be others whose parents were/are way crappier than yours, and ones that were/are way better. That's life. Compare and despair.

Scripture says to "take every thought captive" (2 Corinthians 10:5), so when you start to have depressing thoughts you will need to actively redirect them. Every time they occur.

Since you are a person of faith, view dealing with your parents as a mission, not a chore or burden. That's what I do with my Mom. When your relationship with them has a higher purpose, it will help you to take your mind off the past and present pain and make it easier to have peace in your heart about it.

Blessings to you as you work through it!

I never had grandfathers and my grandmothers were both old women by the time I was born. I loved my Greek grandmother (yaya) very much though. She was cool.

I totally understand about growing up in poverty and a totally dysfunctional home. Lots of mental abuse, guilt-tripping, and gaslighting and our father wasn't around. So I get you. I know how it is to succumb to that depression because I did and it's been a very hard road coming back from it.

It's okay for you to feel cheated out of being parented in your adult life. You have been cheated. So have I. It's okay to be pissed about that, but not consumed by it. All you can do is love and accept your parents for who and what they are.
You are not going to get the validation and family life that you wanted from them. You'll have to build your own family to have that and you can.

When I was a kid I used to be jealous of the families my friends and cousins had. A mom and dad, a nice house, siblings that weren't bullies and actually hung out together. In the summer they went on family vacations. In the winter their houses were never cold because they always had heat. They ate supper together. I wanted these things and I got them when I grew up. You will have them too.

You can honor your parents by getting these things for yourself. Honor them by letting them see that they didn't destroy you with their issues and dysfunction.
Take a break from them if you need to, but really how exhausting is taking your mother once a month? Ask a friend to go with you to help then.

Good luck, and you will be just fine.

I just have to say, I really did not grow up with grandparents. My Moms mother died when she was nine and her father chose to raise a second family forgetting about his first 4. My Dads parents...we had no Holiday dinners with them. I saw my Gmom when I went to Sunday School and walked back to her house afterwards. Never, them coming to our house for a visit or dinner. My brother, 7 yrs younger, has even commented on that we are so different than our grandparents. We both are very involved in our grands lives. But, neither of us missed what we didn't have because at that time we thought it was normal. Thats the way it was. My Dad was big on holidays being at his house. There were 6 of us and always other relatives invited to join us. Since Dad was from a family of 8 kids, I am sure the oldest daughter had her parents over for Christmas.

You may have to be the one that makes sure the holiday dinners are done with Mom invited. You may need to make sure your children know their grandmother. My MIL, she chose at 69 to move 2 days drive away when her only grandchild here was 4. And then complained my DD was not making over her when she visited maybe 1x a year, if that. My DD did not know her. My DD never missed her.

You need to except what things are, not what you wish them to be.

The bright and shiny picture of family life often doesn't hold up in real life. That's a fact. If you're in one of those dysfunctional situations, you don't have to further it.

Honoring your parents means respecting their (sometimes awful) life choices, such as alcohol, but it doesn't mean you have to pour the alcohol down their throats for them! It means standing back and letting them lie in a nursing home bed until they die, as with your father. It means, possibly, taking mom to visit dad as you do, but it doesn't mean staying there with her. You could go to the store and come back later for her. Or go for a walk, or talk to some of the other visitors outside, or anything you wish. In other words, decrease your involvement rather than increase it. Honor thyself for all that you do. Nothing wrong with that.

Honoring your parents is a subjective thing. You are the one to decide according to your principles how you do that. I often think that too much is made of it. It's a commandment, sure, and if you're religious, you want to follow the commandments. But keep in mind that the commandments were written for a long-ago time. In Biblical times, honoring parents may have meant something quite different. People didn't live as long as they do today. Like maybe 50 years less. And back then honoring your parents might have meant letting them ride the best camel. Or carrying their water in a pottery jar from the well half a mile away. Or not complaining about the fleas living in the straw on the floor of their tent. Or if they hit you with a switch, don't hit them back.

As for grandparents, some are good and some are bad. I wouldn't be wishing for grandparents for your unborn kids at all if I were you. That's way too much wasted energy on something that hasn't happened (kids), that may not happen, and perhaps you won't want to happen when it comes right down to it.

Acceptance is a gift you give yourself. I’m sorry for the sadness and negativity injected into your life by your parent’s choices. Coming to peace and acceptance about it all will lighten the load. You have to consciously and repeatedly decide that their lives are their own as is yours. See them both when it’s healthy for you, provide only the help that you’re comfortable with and nothing more. Accept the past and let it go. Build new relationships with people who bring positive things to your life. Many of us grew up without grandparents or fully solid families, staying stuck on what you don’t have prevents seeing the positives you do have, or can build. I wish you peace

I say this as a child of parents that operated on the concept of love is unnesscary. They provided and cared for me not out of love but obligated. They gave me everything I needed to succeed in life. Not once did they ever say I love or I am proud of you. Even in the end nothing.

I will say no one is perfect, all families have issues and drama. Sometimes parents are stuck in their ways and as the child you have to become the adult and compromise meeting them half way.

Try to find some common ground, cause once they are gone they are gone. Do what you can so when that time comes you can be at peace.

Puppies leave the litter, leave their sires and dams, and GO ON to new and different lives! Your parents weren’t great? Well, you don’t have to be a “great” daughter. Move forward, leave them to their lot, and don’t look back.

But you won’t do it, I fear. When people ask questions like this one, I foresee that they are already preparing themselves for a hand-wringing life of service and martyrdom. Just know you DO NOT have to do it.

Get over the idea of grandparents for your kids. That ship has sailed. Just do NOT neglect any future kids while catering to these pointless adults who half-assed your upbringing. Please?

You may not find that YOUR parents will be involved grandparents for your future children. But, there are lots of people who are willing and eager to “adopt” some!

In your church or other community, you may get to know some middle aged people whose grandchildren are far away, or don’t have any at all.

We have some kiddos in our lives that we love to love on, and they aren’t blood-related. 🩷🩵

How do you honor your parents? By YOU having an awesome, happy life, with balance between helping others and helping yourself. If you’re a good human being AND very happy, what more could your parents want?

Why don't you put them both together if you mother has mobile issues would it be better on you to do this? This may bring your father out of his depression to be walking again. They can live a long life in a nursing home where you can bring your children there just explain it to them this is best for both of them.

Prayers

I'm sorry you're dealing with all of this. I can relate in many ways Let me suggest that maybe your dad has Dementia rather than Depression. I say this because my stepmom was treated and diagnosed for dementia for a few years when n fact, she had early onset dementia and died at the age of 68. Looking bad, she went through so much unecessary intervention. She too, began using a walker, then stayed in bed most of the day, stopped walking, showering, all the things you mention. I'm not diagnosing, just saying what happened in our case. My dad went downhill taking care of her as well. Like you, I had dysfunctional parents. My BPD mom is still living. I actually found help with a couple of facebook groups, mostly by seeing myself in others stories and how they dealt. Best of luck to hard. There are no easy answers.

Focus On the present and Not what other People have. Be Happy you were provided for . Your Father chose His Miserable existance and not to walk - That Is His Problem . Your Mother seems to stay away from Him. Get On with your Life , go have children . A Lot of people dont see their grand children due to distance and then when holidays come People Have to swap off with the other grand Parents so Yes the grass May seem greener On the other side .... There isn't Much you can do - Let it Go . Maybe Just see your Mom . Honestly 70 and 72 is rather young to be this helpless - perhaps Its time for you to create a healthy Boundary and not see them for awhile . A Long While .

You are young enough to build a circle of friends as people suggest. But this is what happens with age. People move away to other states to be closer to family. They and their spouses may become ill and they cannot get together or are too preoccupied with their own situations. Good friends die. I don’t mean to be a downer but this is the truth about loneliness and lack of connections in older age. I have had close friends for 50 years. One has COPD and her husband needs spinal surgery and an elderly sister who needs attention.Another two are showing signs of dementia and one of them has a husband with Parkinson’s as well, another has cancer and a year of Chemo with a husband with mid-stage Alzheimer’s and without enough resources to use a care facility without giving up everything for Medicaid, another ‘s husband has cancer. With the complications of treatment. All have had to scale down in living situations.This is not unusual but what happens in advanced age. Making new friend and building a new circle of friends is difficult if not impossible. Old friends know you and are closer than new acquaintances. What is the answer? Grieving loss and accepting what is left from those acquaintances and social programs.

I had a similar situation needed care starting when I was in my early 30's. My father was his caregiver but never wanted to get help for her or take care of himself. I decided very early on that I wouldn't be able to support them and instead focused on building my own life and family. If I hadn't, I would have never married, had my kids and enjoyed a successful career. Honoring your parents can mean prioritizing your own future.

I adopted the philosophy that leaving a legacy was more important than having an inheritance. I don't mean that just financially, but I know that the greatest gift I could give my own parents was to raise my kids to be kind, functional adults who contribute to society. That meant I had to focus my time and efforts on my own kids.

My parents were never active grandparents, but I don't think it has impacted their lives in anyway. More importantly, we are active and involved parents who are trying to give our kids the same values our parents gave us.

My heart breaks for you. You are so young and you have such an unnecessary stressful life at this time. It’s time for YOU to take YOUR life back and live YOUR life to please YOU. Your parents chose the lifestyle that they are living now therefore they need to bear the consequences of their decisions.

Your father is in a nursing home where he has people taking care of him, so you should not worry about him. It sounds to me that your mother has someplace else where she is living, so you don’t have to worry about her. They both have someplace to live, so you should focus on YOUR life and plans for YOUR future. If you so desire, you can go and visit them whenever you feel like it, but do not make their care a priority over yourself and your health. Otherwise, just call and check in with them.

Good luck in finding a solution to this problem ASAP before it starts to affect your health.

Just wondering if your dad could attend adult daycare? It would present him with activities and candidates for future friendships. Can he get physical therapy and a Geriatric Psychiatrist to address his sedentary lifestyle? How about a male Visiting Angel to strike up a companionship?

Maybe look at it from a wider perspective: some children have parents who give them everything they need to grow into adults with fond memories of their childhood. Other children have parents who don’t provide at all, for whatever reason - yet your Dad provided. Yet other children don’t even have parents.

Looking from that angle, you may fit somewhere in the middle of the pack. That’s where I am too. Both of my parents were unemotionally available, due to their “job commitments”. So I understand.

But no matter how you wish it were different, it can’t be changed. You’re not fully living the life that is right in front of you because you’re still living as a child, hoping your parents will wake up and pay attention to you and resenting them for it.

Be gentle with yourself, but find a way to let it go. Be grateful there was a roof over your head and food to eat. Be grateful for the small things that they did do for you. Because your Dad will be gone before you know it, you will miss him then.

I feel the same way you do. What you are doing is healthy, I don't think there is much more you can do. You have to come to try to come to terms with it, nothing positive is served by dwelling on it.

I did not have the best growing up either, we were a dysfunctional family. My mother had a lot of emotional problems and my father chose not to see it.

Dealing with their caregiving has caused me to revisit this a lot. I never was estranged from my parents and we had a social relationship through the years but the current situation brings back the nasty childhood memories that I thought I moved past and I also find I am dealing with resentments.

I am trying not to dwell on it, but it's hard. I find having gratitude for the positive people in my life and the good things that happened in life keep me going.

Go out and live your best life, fill t with good people and make wonderful memories.

I feel for you. My faith has been my rock, but it has also been my mental curse. ( I hope I’m not punished for my “thoughts” as it says in the Bible.)

Like you I want to honor my mother who is in assisted living She has been for 2.5 years. I tried twice to bring her home with me. It was a nightmare. She is a major psychotic. I already have so many health issues and lots of physical pain. I never sleep more than 2 hours straight. It’s torture.

I wish I had a way to give advice and take advice from others without the guilt that my faith has instilled in me to honor thy mother and father.

Does your dad or mom make you feel bad if you don’t come more often? Does either of them make you feel bad for anything?

IF NOT, then only thing I can offer is as long as you are seeing that they are cared for and have what they need you are honoring them. With that said….I wish I could take my own advice! If they seem content with how things are and are not complaining then you should try to be happy. That’s what I always wanted for my daughter before she was murdered.

My mom never stops complaining for one second. She is however a strong Christian, but is not a loving person at all. Never has been. There is nothing anyone can do to make her happy. Nothing is ever good enough. Never has been. I have been taking care of her since I was 8 years old in so many ways. That is now 55 years. I’m exhausted and have zero life due to her making me feel guilty.

So at times it seems like trying to do right, due what scripture says, or make others happy is mental suicide.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. ((HUGS))

Why is your Dad in a Nursing Home? What was the "trigger" that put him there?

From your posting, it appears that your Mom lives away from him. Why is that? Does she have the funds to be able to live near him so that she can get to the Nursing Home without you?

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, however, if you were to visit your Dad without your Mom, would the visit seem more draining or less draining? If you were to visit with your Mom with out also visiting your Dad, would it seem more draining or less draining?

Is the draining issue due to the length of time of the visits? What is it about the visit that drains your energy more than other parts?

I have personally found that if I visit more often, the stays can be shorter and less taxing to my brain.

Do you have a significant other or is your Mom and Dad consuming all your awake time, whether mentally or physically? If your Mom and Dad are consuming majority of your time, you need to find some other activities that can consume you. You could volunteer, or you could pick up another job or .... just something to get your mind off of their care and their health. How about volunteering with the humane society and help take care of the many dogs, cats and smaller animals?

Quit thinking about your friends and their kids. You are only seeing a glimpse of their life with children. Raising a kid, with or without a partner, is an everyday challenge. One of the more challenging problems is how to get care of a kid when they are sick and you have to be elsewhere (home alone is NOT an option.) Not all grandparents want to babysit their grandchildren and some do, but on their terms, not yours. If you want to influence a kid, try volunteering with the Big Sister program.

Please think about what you do have and plan the future around what you do have, versus what you do not have.

Please continue to get counseling.
Seek Elder Law attorney direction for valuable information about accountability, expectations, options caring for aging parents. Are you an only child? Are you designated POA? You will need to decide , with some professional help, if you want to continue to be involved in parents care, serve as POA or not, look at other options ( remove yourself legally from any responsibility for them for your mental and physical health reasons); or continue to be involved with their care, but with significant boundaries in place to protect your mental, physical health. No one can change another person, you cannot change your father nor mother; professional counselor, Elder Law Attorney, input from parents PCP regarding their needs, your honest assessment of your own mental and physical health to continue ( also confer with your PCP) .....these are some of the things you can consider to help you make a valid decision for yourself. If you honestly feel that you cannot continue, then confer with Elder Law attorney for direction on removing yourself from the picture and possibly turning their care over to the state ( wards of the state) or if there are other family members consider them to take over. Only you can decide for yourself what and how much you can commit to; there will be more grief and regrets in addition what sounds like a lot already no matter what your decision is. Consider that both your parents or one of them could live a very long time; what is best for both short term and long term for you? What happens if you become ill and unable?

I see so many folks here making reference to the Biblical commandment to honor one's parents.

I am a Jew. We take this to mean "do not dishonor your father and mother in the public square". Don't shame them, don't cause them public humiliation.

Most readers here are Christian. Did Jesus give up his path, his ministry, his job to care for his mother? He consigned her to the care of another.

Can you not do the same with honor?

I have some of the same questions as others on here but just reading what you wrote...I would set up for Uber or some other way to get Mom to see Dad if she cannot make those arrangements herself. Then I would schedule myself once a month (more if you feel like it) to visit each of the parents separately. Maybe this would not be so taxing on you. As for having parents that parent you in your adulthood and watching your children later on. We never know how much time we all have so some people do not have that pleasure. And then sometimes that is not a blessing. My mother actually abused my children, age 4 & 12 and then I no longer spoke to her, she has passed now. So maybe God, has a better plan for the children that may be in your future, trust in that. Good Luck!

SeekingPeace1: Prayers sent.