I don’t know that my mom living with us is working out.

Time to find a place for her. You need your life back. Sounds like she's at an Independent Living level and you can check on her there. My FIL just moved into one and it has been absolutely wonderful. He has his own apartment but it's a community with activities, all meals are prepared, etc. He hasn't been this happy in years.

Please check into it and make plans to get her out. She's not happy living with you either.

Time for her to be placed in AL, she will have everything done for her and you can get your life back. What you are doing is unfair to your family,

You’ve done your best and found it’s not working for anyone. Time for mom to move to a place where appropriate help is available. Hopefully she has the money from the sale of her house to help pay for assisted living. Many older women like having a community of people their age with built in activities and help. Don’t try too hard to make mom happy in a new place, whatever happy was for her is likely over, it’s sad but you jumping through hoops will not restore it. You’re wise to guard you’re on family life, your husband and children do not deserve to live in a tension filled home. I wish you well in finding mom a new place.

Seek assisted living for her, now. Caregiving will drag your family under like a drowning man. This 9 month test drive will get much worse.

What is needed here is:
#1. Full medical assessment
#2. Placement in care in-facility.
In order to accomplish this, at the least, temporary guardianship or guardianship (by yourself, or by the state if your mom is too unwilling to go for medical assessment and placement is required

I would call APS if your mother cannot find herself capable of cooperating with placement now. You have painted yourself into a corner by taking all of this on without a lot of thought, and have therefore a lot of problems ahead in addressing it. That is going to be really tough for you; I am so sorry. It serves as a warning of what NOT to do.

That your mother sold her home is a good thing, as she has assets to get into care. You will need a good deal of honesty now in telling her that living with her has not worked and you are unwilling to continue it, and that she is in all likelihood no longer able to live alone on her own with any safety. Let her know that the options now are to begin with Medical checkin or have APS come to help that happen whether she wishes it or not.

Again, I am so sorry this happened in the manner it has.

What a blessing that your mom is not happy living with you. That should make it much easier to get her into an assisted living facility where she will be around other folks her own age and be as active as she wants to be.
A child should NEVER give up their lives for their parent(s) and jeopardize their own happiness.
So quit looking at apartments as your mom is too far gone in her health mental and physical to live by herself anymore, and instead start looking for assisted living facilities in your area. And then give mom the choices of which one she would like to move to on her dime not yours.
And if money is an issue your mom will have to apply for Medicaid.
I wish you well in taking your home and your life back, and in getting your mom out sooner than later.

Thank you for all the advice. The thing is, my mom does not want to leave my house and go into assisted living or her own place. She said she’ll bring us to court if we do. A few comments say I’m ruining my families lives and it hurts. I don’t want to ruin their lives, but I feel stuck. I have no one helping me with any of this, it’s just me. I’m doing the best I can and clearly I’m failing.

Your own spouse and children have to come first. Your needs have to be met too. Obviously this is not working.

Your mother needs help so a facility sounds like the best choice. I don't believe she has any basis for taking you to court, but if it relieves your mind, see a lawyer about how to get her out of your place and into a facility. Draw some boundaries with consequences if the boundaries are crossed. This is not about her happiness but about her having her care needs met and about you and your family having your needs met.

Your mother isn't happy now and she likely won't be regardless the solution. She is not well, physically or mentally and her care is too much for you and your family. Do you have POA? Is she paying rent?

I agree that her saying she was unhappy is a good thing. Capitalize on that and start making alternate plans for her. Tell her doctor about her inability to care for herself and her behaviour around your family. Your local Agency for Aging may be able to help you. Her wishes can't be what drives your family. She is past being able to manage her own care, and that includes where she lives. Many of us have been alone in making these decisions. In some ways it's like tough love. You can do it!!!

You should consider therapy to help you as you navigate through this mess. Your mom is not the boss of you, to start, and she has no right to live with your family. This may get sticky if you combined your finances and purchased the house together. But there is always a way out. It will not be easy, but status quo is already not easy and your family is suffering. The neurologist appointment is very important. She needs a diagnosis and you don't want to start getting her out until you have all the tools you need. A dementia or other debilitating diagnosis? Power of Attorney and heathcare proxy paperwork? You definitely need to speak to an eldercare lawyer to figure out all of your options, including when she might be eligible for Medicaid and strategies for spending down her resources the right way to get there. Be strong! You don't deserve her demeaning treatment. She is NOT the boss of you, and moving her into a different situation is not the same thing as abandoning her.

You’re not failing. You fell into a situation that isn’t working for you or your family. Waking up depressed every day is no way to live. Feeling stuck is terrible for one’s mental health. Trust me on this: I know, from lived experience with an aging parent.

It’s good that you’re already looking for a new therapist.

I also think that it would be prudent to contact a lawyer to see exactly what the legal parameters of the situation are. I don’t think that she has any basis to take you to court; however, it’s better to check for your own peace of mind.

If she’s not happy either, then the situation clearly needs to change. My sense is that an ALF would be a much better fit for her. She might be amenable to this if she actually takes a tour of a facility. If you and your husband could broach the subject when she is in a softer mood, that might be a start: best to present a united front on this. If she lacks funds, she will have to apply for Medicaid (I think that’s how it works in the U.S.—I’m in Canada, and it’s different here).

All best.

You have gotten a lot of good advice. You say you are not the POA. They should definitely be involved, who is that?

You said, “The thing is, my mom does not want to leave my house and go into assisted living or her own place.”

What your mom actually doesn’t want to be old with a failing memory and facing the loss of her independence. This is totally reasonable but since none of those things are within anyone’s control you both have to play the hand you’re dealt, so to speak. You have to find the least worst option and go for it.

You also responded, “A few comments say I’m ruining my families lives and it hurts. I don’t want to ruin their lives, but I feel stuck. I have no one helping me with any of this, it’s just me. I’m doing the best I can and clearly I’m failing.”

You’re not failing. You tried something new and it didn’t work. So what? You’ve identified that it’s not working and as a grown person with a family you’ll now have to try something new.

You only “ruin everyone’s life” if you give up and don’t keep trying to do what’s best. It’s hard. It’s hard to do by yourself and if you had siblings to “help” it would be hard because nobody would probably agree and you’d be fighting with them too instead of just mom.

Please be aware that often the comments that seem the harshest on here are a kind of tough love. They’re mostly really trying to help.

Please keep this in mind: your mom is not who you remember in younger years. Your efforts are now inadequate for her needs, and it's difficult to accept that, I know.
Have you applied for Medicaid for mom? If she qualifies, State Medicaid pays for mom's transportation to & from doctors, delivered meals, caretaker 5 days a week, her rx's. She can even transition to an ALF (assisted living facility), with private insurance or Medicaid, if qualified.
I have found that the elderly hate losing their freedom to make their own decisions. You and your mom will benefit from moving her, sooner than later.
Suggestion: Have mom's PCP assess her while you request an insurance representative home visit to see what services insurance can give to a more independent life for mom. She may realize better benefits from a different Medicare plan that any health insurance agent can help you find. And you can help mom make the decision of where she wants to live.
Best wishes to you.

I am so sorry for you and this situation. It sounds like you really care a lot for your mom and love her deeply. It does sound like she needs a lot more care than you are able to provide. Does she happen to have long-term care insurance?
I recommend having her tested for a UTI? Some of her behaviors sound like she might have an infection. I wish you the very best outcome and your mom is so lucky to have you. You sound like a very caring person.

You’re not alone. My friends say “oh just move her to MC” and then go on with their lives. Good luck finding help.

You've gotten some good suggestions here, particularly from Alva Deer, who always has well-informed responses. It sounds to me like your mother may have either a type of dementia such as Temporal Frontal Lobe, or she is mentally ill, no doubt exacerbated by the diabetes, etc. You don't mention any substance abuse? The reasons I say that are the "seeing things that aren't there and rambling incoherently..." This is not normal 75-year-old behavior. You have done really well not to leave her alone in her former (now sold) home and to get a neurologist's appt. for her. However, if things deteriorate before the Oct. appt., in the worst case, you might have to call APS, as one response suggested, or take her to the ER and explain her behaviors and how she needs more care/is endangering herself, etc, (if you believe it's to that point). Also, could you get her into a regular doctor or even an APRN sooner than October to see what they might suggest by way of medications/services? As for services, also don't hesitate to contact your area agency on aging or the office that handles senior services in your area. There are a number of services that might help, such as transport to a senior center or adult day care, Meals on Wheels, and so on. I'm not sure your mother would be open to these or appropriate, except anyone can be appropriate for Meals on Wheels, and that might help you out by providing her with a healthy daily hot meal you don't have to cook for her! Meanwhile, please take care of yourself. Therapy is great. Also, could you speak to your own doctor and get advice for self-care, possibly an anti-depressant prescription? And speak to your husband and kids to assure them your mother is "not herself" something is off with her, and it's best not to take her comments personally or to get into arguments with her if at all possible. Distraction and diversion are strategies that maybe you all can read about and try when she gets upset. Wishing you all the best in this tough situation!

James, you keep telling us all the reasons mom cannot move to care, and it comes down primarily she "doesn't want to move to care".
I don't know how all this got missed, but Mom, if she's no longer capable of moderating and changing behavior, has no CHOICE in the matter.
She is living with YOU. As long as that works out for YOU that she lives in YOUR home then its fine.
But it isn't OK to disrupt and take over your life.

When living together isn't right for ONE PERSON, then it isn't going to work and has to be changed. She isn't allowed to take over your life unless YOU ALLOW it.

Harry responds below indicating we on Forum are "dismissive": that we say "move her to MC" and then go on with our lives. Of course we do go on with our lives. We aren't the ones who made the mistake of taking an elder in, and assuming 24/7 care when they need several shifts with several working each shift.
The problem isn't ours. It is yours to solve. And we are telling the ways in which it CAN be solved. Solved easily? OH, NO. It will take time and trauma a-plenty.
There will have to be conversations that are honest--talks that will result in rage, tears and accusations.
There will be a ton of research into assets. It will take attorneys and forms and it will START in the MD office with a good evaluation. There's nothing easy about it. It's dreadful hard and heartbreaking work; which is why we caution people not to take people into their homes without know the crucible it will be with its certain downward trajectory, and the muddy syrup you'll sludge through in getting out.

And it has nothing to do with "WHAT THEY WANT". We all have a lot of "wants" in our lives throughout. How many of those wants do we ever end up getting?

It sounds like your mother is past the point where moving into an apartment is appropriate for her needs. She should be moved into Assisted Living or a memory care facility. Whichever it is, she has to go because living with you is not working out.

I was an in-home caregiver for 25 years and now have a agency. I've seen your story play out many times. A family keeps their LO with dementia living with them for far longer than they should. Their marriages suffer, their kids suffer, their lives, jobs, and everything else gets wrecked. Many once happy marriages end up bitter and resentful in the divorce court because of a situation just like yours.

Whether or not your mother 'wants' or 'refuses' to go into assisted living really doesn't matter here. Your life, husband, children, job, and home come first. These things must come before what your mother wants, needs, or demands.

Your mother living in your house is ruining everyone's lives. Put her in AL or memory care then you can go back to being her daughter and not her care slave. You can still be a big part of her life. You can visit her often, take her out, an advocate for her so she gets good care.

Please for your sake and your family's find her an AL or memory care.

sad but true ...she needs increased medical care despite her resistance. Her wishes and vote must be with safety first at the forefront of the decision. She will never willingly concede. Been there done that. Either a facility which can address her issues and care or someonw other than family coming into the home to help care.

I consult on eldercare case management, usually for professionals afraid they will have to choose between keeping their full time career job and / or full time caregiving.

i can tell that you love your mom and want the best for her and your family.

i can see existing and early warning indicators of likely outcomes, if you do not make decisions fast.

Based on your facts as you report, these break out into three umbrella areas:

1. Health and Safety
2. Finances
3. Relationships.

1. Health. As you describe your mother, this sounds like she needs to be evaluated for Dementia / Alzheimers. You did not mention what medication she is on. Some medications have severe side effects that can mimic Dementia. However, there are multiple indicators that your mom’s personality changed from who you knew her to be.

She either has Dementia, a drug side effect issue, stroke, brain tumor, or something else. Get at least two medical opinions.

If your mom still has days of mental clarity, ask her doctor, and a lawyer, if she still can make some final decisions for a Healthcare Directive and Healthcare Agent, Power of Attorney, and make any needed changes for a Will or Trust.

Medicare and Medicaid, which can pay for a nursing home memory care, will require her liquid assets be below usually $2000 total in banks or financial accounts. An incorporated Special Needs Trust can protect assets.)

Court: If doctors diagnose her with Dementia and recommend adult residential memory care, you can go to court to have a judge declare your mother mentally incompetent for making her own decisions. You can ask to be her legal guardian.

if it is determined that your mother has Dementia, this gets worse over time, not better. If she has this, your mother’s personality as you knew her, is mostly gone and good days will be less and less.

If she hasn’t started this yet, expect her to forget where she is, start to wander.. She can get lost. Install locks up high beyond her reach. Your family may need to take shifts, to monitor her 24/7.

Dementia brings problems with short term memory. People with Dementia often cause fires (leave the stove burner on or wrong burner is on, set the microwave to the wrong time), or cause floods by leaving water running. They can let indoor cats outside, or take a dog for a walk without a leash, or leave a dog somewhere and forget where.

TESTING FOR DEMENTIA

I encourage you to use several types of tests for Dementia. The main test often used with questions like “draw a clock face and set the hands for x time”, or “Who is the president?”, or “What year and month is this?”, “count backwards from 100 by 7’s”, or “remember these five words and I will ask you what these are in 5 minutes”, I am not a fan of this test because answers can be memorized. It might work one time, then next time the tested person can just perform perfectly. It is amazing what the mind remembers when someone fears going to live somewhere new (nursing home or memory care).

I like using a “reading for comprehension test”. I use a test similar to one given to pending students for test for English fluency. The test I use has 50 questions with a paragraph, or ad, and person answers questions about what they read, or understood or can assume ( deductive reasoning) by what information they read.

FALLS

When people start falling often, it can be just a matter of time before there is a head injury or broken hip. It can be a balance issue caused by meds. Or it can be an early warning indicator person’s health is declining fast.

If your mom has Dementia, she may need to live in Memory Care soon. It is very difficult to do home care for all the reasons you mention. Move her for her safety. There may be waitlists for Memory Care units. Get on lists now. It could take over 6 months + to get her in somewhere.

2. Finances: Hopefully she can pay for her care.

3. Protect your marriage and family. Get your mom into professional care, not a rental, not an ADU

Your mom is declining and should be living in Memory Care. You can't and aren't expected to be her caretaker the way she is.

sounds like she has dementia. Get her to a neurologist and get her some meds which will help a great deal. you might want to consider assisted living for her.

just a note on the hallucinations [ seeing things that aren’t there ] and ramblng ….

get her tested for a uti; urgent care can do this. these are common symptoms of uti in older people, where it is more significant than in younger folks, and causes breaks from reality.

on the bright side, if it’s that, then maybe she will come back a bit more.

and check with her pharmacist for possible side effects with her meds.

good luck. don’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm, ok?

Jamesness919: Perhaps this dynamic will have to be amended.

Move her into a memory care facility near you. You have several things in your favor. She sold her house and moved with you 9 months ago. No decrepit old hoarding house to try to get rid of. She’s in a new environment. Great. No long connections with neighbors that she can’t get over. Perfect. She’s got cash from her house sale. Memory care near you. Don’t over think. Keeping her at your house will bring you down and not work. Is she can handle assisted living with hired caregivers to help her, that’s also a possibility but will probably cost the same. Get her moved out of your house to a facility before the end of the month. You can visit as much or as little as you want. It costs $$$. That’s the bottom line. Don’t let this take you down. I’m an only child as well and early 60. I came to help my parents after dad had a stroke. He died last year at 94. My life was upended and I am still struggling to recover. My mother is doing pretty well at 91 and has caregivers at home. You have to do what works for you. Put yourself first and then see what works for your parent. It’s the only sustainable option.

I like many readers’ answers. Especially about getting your mother a complete medical evaluation. Get her an ombudsman and yourself and family into therapy.

Get your mother out of your house if it means court time and into an AL place without delay.

In most states, Medicaid does not cover assisted living (AL), but only extended care (i.e., nursing home). You need to determine if your mother will be eligible for Medicaid before making any other plans for her. If "yes," then you need to determine if there are ALs in your state that take Medicaid. If not, you will need to consider extended care, which I understand none of you wants to do.

One other point about Medicaid that someone else on this forum can explain better than I can. Medicaid for a person living in the community, which serves as a supplement for medical expenses that Medicare doesn't cover fully, is not the same as Medicaid that pays for long-term care. The requirements often differ between the two. Also, Medicare does not cover long-term care; only Medicaid does, for those who qualify.

I agree with your second to last sentence. She cannot live alone...even nearby. We are in the same boat with my wife's 88 year old father. He has terminal cancer, dementia and Parkinson's and just recently went on hospice in our home. He has lived with us for 13 months (with us Monday-Friday and with her sister on the weekends) and it has really put a strain on my wife and myself and her sister and her husband. He is not the easiest person to live with. He's a slob, feels his needs are above everyone else's, can be nasty, doesn't accept our help (my SIL wanted to help him bathe and he refused) and he drinks. Recently, he has had bowel incontinence issues and made a real mess of our bathroom several times and has fallen 5 times in several days yet refuses to use the walker we have for him. Lately, he has been getting us up at night (as many as 5 times) for stupid reasons (wants a sandwich or wants the tv on) or is totally confused and wants a ride somewhere at 3 in the morning. He has his days and nights mixed up much of the time. We considered placement several times, by my SIL was reluctant. Her position was that that the end is close and we would have done all of this for nothing if were to let a facility take all of his assets only to die soon after. And the nearby memory care facilities have a long waiting list. So, we have been dealing with it. We keep him safe, fed and clean. He's lucky that we even decided to take him in given that he was absent for much of my wife and her sister's lives. With your mother being 75, she could still have a good while left to go for you to live like that. Learn from my mistake. We should have placed my FIL 6 months ago.

When my parents got married all three living in laws moved in and expected to be cared for until death. I saw the toll it took on my dad, and honestly I wish they had sought out long term care way before they did. It just was not safe and was a huge burden on the family. There are good facilities with trained staff who can do what you cannot. It's not wrong to seek the help you all need. My mom made me promise never to put her in a nursing home, but then I remembered that she had put her mom, mother in law and husband in one. It got to the point she was unsafe and everyone saw that except her. Her life is 1000 times better with 24/7 care even though she still blames me for where she ended up. Her health has improved greatly and she has social activities that keep her as busy as she wants to be.

Now is the time then to start looking at a facility that will be able to care for her at the level she needs.
If you can wait until the appointment in October you can "use" the doctor to say that she needs more care than you can provide at home. Then it will not be you making the decision but the doctor. I know you mention that she regrets moving in with you but that will or may change in a heartbeat when you start looking for an Assisted Living or Memory Care facility.