She has breast and lung cancer at the same time and a tumor in her breast burst so she has an open would that she has to clean every day. I recently had to put her in assisted living and she is not adjusting very well. The first round of chemo worked great and all cancers were decreased and and one didn't show up at all. The wound even got better. The side effects and strong chemo is what took it's toll on her body. She has had to stop chemo to try and build her strength back up. She got so weak that she has lost the ability to walk or hold herself up so she must have 24/7 care.
I don't know how to help her any more and I am physically and mentally not so good. She resents me telling her what to do but I feel like I don't have a choice because if someone doesn't she will just sit in her recliner 24/7. The PT and occupational therapist say that she still can regain the use of her legs. My heart emotionally breaks for her but I get angry and frustrated because she still has a chance to live a better quality of life if she wants to. She offers no help to the caregivers. If I ask why she didn't eat, she says they forgot my fork instead of asking them to get her a fork. If I ask her why she didn't clean her wound, she says because they didn't put me in front of the mirror. Same excuse about everything that the doctor told her to do.
She told me that I'm not in control of her and she's right. Why is it so wrong of me to make sure she does what she is supposed to do? I only do it because I love her so much. They called me at the assisted living facility this morning to tell me that she was acting childish and wouldn't talk to them and wasn't sure if something was really wrong or not. Of course, I went running right up there to check on her. I got upset with her and called her selfish and I feel really bad and guilty. Every one tells me that I have to have my own life and stop trying to control the situation and they are right. The doctor and caregivers tell me that I need to push her and then when I do she resents me and accuses me of trying to control her. When I ask her if I didn't push her to put forth an effort when she can would she do it on her own, she says probably not. I guess a part of me is angry that she wouldn't put in the effort and lost the use of her legs. She gets mad if any one asks her to leave her room. I notice a huge difference with her mind when she isolates herself for days. She is totally confused about everything. Am I expecting too much and should I just stop worrying about whether she ate, cleaned her wound, etc...??? I can't go on like this. I feel like everything I try to do to help is wrong.