I don't feel that I am good enough to be my mother's primary caregiver, but I am all that she has right now. Advice?

So where is your sister in all this?

Why do you feel that just because you're on disability, that you're the one who has to take care of her? You need to be taking care of yourself. Why isn't your beloved sister helping out since that is who mom would prefer to have anyway? You don't owe your mom anything, and at this point you need to be looking for the appropriate facility for mom to be placed in, so you can start to heal from the emotional damage your mom has inflicted on you. It's not too late. It is now time to put yourself first, and take care of you. May God bless you and keep you.


P.S. If mom doesn't have the money for a facility, you will have to apply for Medicaid for her.

Your mother is WAY out of line to pull that line on you.

You need to get away.

Can you call sister and say "I am handing this over to you?" You are on disability, so can you live independently and not need to live with mom (I am kind of assuming you do).

Living in a small studio on gov't subsidy would be better than living with someone who makes you feel small and worthless.

Last week my mother called me (miraculous, as she doesn't know my phone number) and I thought 'oh gosh, something has happened' as she NEVER calls.

What was the DRAMA? She needed to know the birthdays of my brother's twin grandsons. Seriously? I don't know that. Brother was avoiding her calls!

She starts EVERY conversation with the same line "OH, I have been thinking about you". I just reply, "No, mom, you haven't been. Please stop saying that to me".

I am on permanent vacation from both my mother and my MIL. It is wonderful.

Please get away. Caring for someone who is driving you to need medication to deal with them---I understand better than you'd know, but if you CAN get away from mom, do so.

((HUGS))

Get your mom placed in a Memory Care Assisted Living community if the yelling is out of hand, as you say on your profile, and if you and she both feel you're not capable of caring for her. Or, send her over to live with your sister, as she would like to do, and release yourself from the nightmare you signed up for. Where is it written you 'must' care for this woman, especially having your OWN issues to deal with?

I made a vow many many years ago that I wouldn't be doing ANY hands on caregiving, or living with, either of my parents because I'm not cut out for it, and for several other reasons. My mother & I are oil and water and I'd be angry and yelling at HER all day long if we lived together, which would create a harmful and stressful environment for BOTH of us. Not a good thing. So when the need arose, I placed both of my parents in Assisted Living in 2014; dad passed in 2015 and my mother is 94 and living in the same AL but in Memory Care nowadays suffering from moderately advanced dementia. I handle her entire LIFE from my desk here at home, and she gets great care in the MC. It's a win-win situation for both of us. When she runs out of money to private pay, I'll apply for Medicaid for Skilled Nursing.

Good luck to you.

If Medicaid is available in your state (or your sister’s state), call around to the nursing homes in your areas for facilities that have “Medicaid beds”. Explain that your mom has dementia, you have a disability, she is combative, and you can no longer take care of her in your home.

With my mom’s physical disabilities, I was surprised to find several facilities that were happy to help out. They may actually outsource the Medicaid application process to a service (like Medicaid Done Right) that helps you collect and submit you mom’s financial data to Medicaid. It helps if you’re her POA, but not necessary.

Your mom is blessed to have ANY caregiver, especially you. She is not entitled to abuse you. Meet with your sister to inform her that you are relinquishing the in-home caregiver role to either her or an available nursing home, so Sis can decide if she wants to take over the responsibility. If Sis is willing, she needs to be quick about it.

It’s most important for you to remove yourself from this situation.

I'm sorry you are going through this. You shouldn't have this additional stress on your plate and I find it incredible that your family immediately thought you would be the prime candidate for this task.

A few questions to ponder :

●Where is your sister , is she in the same state or nearby?
●Is your mother currently mobile and able to walk ? If so , is it possible you and the sister can split caregiving to you on Monday to wed , her on thurs to Sat and every other Sunday you guys switch ? We did this with mama until her walking started to deteriorate, sending her home to my uncle every other day . She loved it as it was a change of scene and people for her .
●Can you speak up to your sister about the toll this is taking on you and see if she can assume care as your mother CLEARLY stated that she wanted your sister to do so ?
●Is there any way that your sister can pay for a memory care facility ?
●Can you speak to your church leader and ask if the church is in any way affiliated with such a facility where donations can help ? Some of the churches here are .
● when vaccinations against covid occur in your area perhaps you can talk to your sister about getting a part time nurse to help with things so you can take a break . Don't know how must they cost where you are .

You've joined an excellent group so you're right , so many experienced people here offering all kinds of advice and a place to vent as well.
I hope having us to speak to will in some way ease your mind if not your situation .

Hugs

L

My mother is difficult most of the time and I know she is closer to my sister. I visit every week and she has a private sitter in her senior apartment most of the evenings. Sister has health issues and does not live close but she does see her once a week. We have split the duties that can be done online. Her needs are met and she can do more for herself than she claims.
I take care of her from a distance. Mom has absolutely no interests and is unkind to her neighbors and ladies who have tried to befriend her.
Don't put yourself through this. You deserve better.
Someone told me to back away and give her a chance to miss you!
Best advice ever.

I feel your pain. I have health issues as well but I moved my father into our attached guest home when he started to get forgetful because my sister didn’t want him. I didn’t realize how hard this would be. He too would rather have her take care of him (she baby’s him and never tells him no, let’s him do what he wants even if unsafe, people pleases...tells him he doesn’t have dementia). I don’t have the heart to tell him she doesn’t want him to live with her. Yet my sister dares to tell me I have to take care of him in his guest home until he passes, she says she refuses to let him go to a care home, & she refuses to hire a caregiver for him (knowing I have seizures). So yes I blocked her calls. He fell and broke several ribs, thankfully he is getting better but if he falls again I will have to put him in a home. I’m beginning to realize my limitations. I had to take a break from all of this drama. Or I bet I would have had a heart attack or stroke and die before he does. I still check on him everyday to make sure he hasn’t fallen and his needs are met, but emotionally I just took a break and didn’t spend a lot of time with him lately so I could gather myself 😊

We're in the same boat, but I also work 6p-6a M-F.
My Mom says she doesn't know where she'd be w/o me to the Doc & anyone else that talks to her but when it's just us; 95% of the time; all she does is complain or argue with every answer I give. Her short term memory is about 10 min and hearing her say I don't care or Don't want to spend time with her or ever come down hurts like hell. It's part of the disease; as we all know; so try to let ot go. I've been seeing a Psych for a year now and it finally seems to be helping. Your Mom is probably as frustrated as you and this covid fiasco isn't helping anyone right now. Combine that with having to be cooped up due to the cold weather and it's just a nightmare. You should look at it this way; You are the best person to take care of her. If your sister was, She would have stepped up years ago. You're stronger; well, all of us are stronger than we think; by doing what you've been doing this long. Look around for a Psych or councilor for yourself and a support group near you. The group meetings are a good place to vent, get advice and start to feel like we're not alone in this. Also, there is a Facebook support group for family/caregivers. That's just another place to talk to other like us. God Bless You & your Mom

Talley, I am so sorry you are going through this. All of the advice is going to guide you out of this situation. You need to heed the suggestions. Daily affirmations may help in the short term. They can make a real difference in you. Your mother will be fine which ever route you choose, sister take over or residential location, both away from this overwhelming task on you. Take care of yourself. Sending you hugs and best wishes.

Talley,
Bless your heart. This is a lot to handle. This forum has helped me so much. I would prioritize three things:
1. Your health and wellness (mental and physical).
2. Your mom's general safety (meaning another person as primary caregiver or placement in a facility).
3. Fully realize that though we want the "perfect" solution regarding our parent's/loved one's care, "perfection" rarely exists.
My doctor gave me these tips. They have helped me to stay focused.

I hope that connecting with us will help, too; but I have to say I wouldn't put money on it.

You say you don't feel good enough, you keep apologizing, you say you feel two inches tall - but what you won't do is look up from your own failures (as you see them, nobody else is calling them that) and see what's in front of you.

You have, as you say, a host of issues to deal with. But you insist on presenting your mother's view that you ought not to be her primary caregiver as some kind of harsh criticism of your shortcomings. Rubbish. It isn't that at all. Any outsider can see at a glance that your mother doesn't want you, given your legitimate and significant needs, burdened with the additional stress and responsibility of caring for her. And she's right. Probably because she knows you well and loves you.

I'm also not hopeful because you've posted and then not been back; but trusting that you will come back and perhaps take in some comments, I'll echo what CW asked first - where is your sister in all this?

Welcome to the two inch tall club of not first choice, feeling inadequate caregivers.

So you weren't her first choice and maybe for good reason but looks like whomever your mom wanted to be first choice didn't come thru.

Why don't you see if that person that was your mom's 1st choice can take over and give you a much needed break?

Or maybe care for mom on weekends or does mom have the money to pay a Caregiver a few hours a day to give you a break.

Where is your sister? I would definitely get her involved with the care.

If your sister can not or will not care for her then you are the one that HAS to be primary caregiver at this point.
That said you have options.
Get help in so that this is not all on you. AND mom pays for the caregiver.
(Not going to get into this now but I hope mom is paying you as well. If not it might be time to get a contract drawn up *[depends on if mom is somewhat decisional]* )
Mom has 3 choices.
Accept you as her caregiver
OR
You can begin to look at Memory Care facilities that she can move to.
OR
Move in with your sister.


I do hope you have been discussing this with your doctors AND if after 4 years they have not suggested the above I would be surprised.

Caring for someone can suck the energy out of you and if you are caring for someone that does not want to be cared for by you it can suck the life out of you.
You need to care for yourself first. Maybe having someone come in and help several days a week (daily would be better) would help. You would not believe how a few hours of help can change your perspective on things. And it might change mom's as well.
*an off the wall thought just occurred to me. I do not know your mom or what was going through her mind but is it slightly possible that she said she would not want you caring for her knowing that it would be difficult on you mentally, emotionally?
Take care of yourself.
Alzheimer's Association has a phone that is answered 24/7 they have people you can talk to any time day or night. CALL anytime you need help or support
1-800-272-3900

My dear sister,
I have read all the posts and what you do in the secular world to alleviate your suffering. Please start reciting the Litany of trust for Sr. Faustina. You had mentioned you attend weekly church so I believe this is doable and necessary for your overall health. You may google the entire prayer if your unfamiliar, here's an excerpt "From the fear I am unlovable Deliver me, Jesus...That you are with me in my suffering Jesus I trust in You." You have a higher power that loves you, use him. He's waiting.

I am not my mother's 1st choice either. I am seen as "too bossy", "too loud", "too opinionated", "not subservient to men" and "won't let her do as she wishes." I realize that these statements are not a reflection of me but a reflection of her "too compliant" (victim of domestic abuse for over 25 years), "has difficulty advocating for herself" (has experienced fraud and being taken advantage of for decades), "really low self esteem" (needs more opportunities to succeed as God gives them to her), "feels out of control" (needs appropriate choices when available). My sister, who is mom's first choice has the same personality as mom and the same problems.

Please do not get your feelings of worth from a person with dementia. She probably has no social filter left and says whatever is on her mind. Her statements are more a reflection of her broken perception of reality and not a reflection of you. God chose you, for now, to be the one to care for your mom. However, you do need to consider a few options:

1 - Involve more people in mom's care so the burden is not all on you. Ask help from family members, friends, members of your faith community, and paid help. The goal is to have enough people helping so you can have balance: 7-9 hours of sleep daily, 3 healthy meals eaten at a sensible pace, "time off" to meet your own health needs, and time to interact with people who encourage you and nurture your soul.

2 - If you can not find or hire enough help to lighten your load, it is time to investigate memory care facilities. If they have assisted living and can segue to full memory care when she needs it, that would be the route I would go. Make sure to have others care for mom while you are researching places for her new home.

3 - May I suggest that you need more time with mentally healthy people compared to time with your mother. When I was a student nurse, I had a clinical rotation in a pediatric psychiatric facility. I noticed that the professionals all had some degree of adopting the behaviors of their patients. I figured that since they spent most of their quality "awake" time with those with mental health issues, it was natural to adopt some of their behaviors. We all tend to become like those we spend a lot of time with. Since you admit to having depression, it is very important for you to spend quality time with those who lift you up rather than drag you down. I am not suggesting you abandon your mom, but get more interactions with supportive friends throughout your week.

"You aren't the one I want to take care of me," Consider this your mother's full permission (not that you really need it) for you to let your sister or a facility take care of her.

People with dementia lose their ability to make good judgements, including about what they say and do. It's an illness that will never be cured. It can get worse. I knew a woman whose husband got violent and she had to put him in an assisted living facility. Don't take anything she says personally. That's easier to say than do, especially with your mother, who knows how to push all of your hot buttons. It may help to get counseling from a therapist who can give you tips on how to handle the negativity coming from your mother. In similar situations I always tell myself not to let other people get into my head. As mentioned in one of the responses below, you don't have to live with abuse. Assisted living for her is another option.

Bless you! Everyone tells caregivers to take care of themselves. Are you able to do anything just for you? I can leave Dad in front of his news and weather programs and do paper crafts, read, work on a jigsaw puzzle, call a friend. I, too, am a Christian and couldn't attempt this journey without the support and friendship of other believers.
Ugly words from loved ones have a way of sticking on us. Please remember (and post it on note cards around the home) "I am a beloved child of the One True King. I am chosen. I am accepted. I am empowered through His strength. Let His mercy and loving kindness flow from me to those around me."

I am my mother’s primary caregiver but I’m treated equally to my 3 deadbeat sisters who show up when it’s convenient, don’t show up at all, don’t call or come see my mom never mind check on me. My mom praises all of them, feels bad for them etc. it use to drive me mad. I was getting so upset with my mom but then after some counseling I realized those feelings were ruining my time with my mom. In my heart I know I’m doing best I can. I also know that my dad would want me to do this and that I will have no regrets. I think trying to find the positive such as doing something with her that makes her happy (dinner, hair brushing, nail painting, tea etc.) whatever it is that is not care taking of her per se but allows you two to enjoy time with your together and bond. Try that. Know you are doing your best for mom and she loves you. Focus on positive. Good luck and know that you are loved.

Lots of good advice here. You sound like a truly good person. I went through the same emotions with my mother, and she became as mean as anyone I have ever known. The stress really did nearly kill me, and left me with lasting physical issues. You really need to move her, it will not get better. One of the last things my mother said to me was "I really did not want you, but I thought you father did, so I kept you." Our other three elder parents were not like this.
You have value. You do not deserve to be a punching bag.

You are certainly "good enough" to take care of your mother. If you have managed for 4 years so far, keeping your mother safe and healthy, you are doing beautifully. If your sister is unavailable or unwilling to care for your mother, it is you or a facility. Use your mother's resourcrs, if any, to hire extra help if your mother needs more care than you can physically or emotionally do.

Caretaking takes great skill and compassion. You can take pride in your ability and willingness to take this job on.

What an extremely hurtful thing to have to process. I am sending you a big hug and holding out a thought for you with the hope that you will understand that you can hold your head up high and feel so good about ALL that you ARE doing for your mother (even if imperfectly, which is how I care for my mother). In the end your evaluation of yourself is more important and should be priority in your mind, than what she thinks about you (not to short circuit the pain, but hopefully to remind you of your power). May you recognize your own light, beauty and generosity!

You are her caregiver. That makes you special. Just to show up and take on those duties gives you a grade of A+! Don’t beat yourself up You’re doing what you have to do

My heart goes out to you and having had a very tough, sad life, I feel I can give some solid advice based on life's experiences in which I often learned too late what I should have done in the first place. When I finally did, my life became better so here goes. First of all, dementia can make people become extremely cruel in behavior and action - it is the disease. However, that does not ever mean that the caretaker has to accept that and pretend it is not happening if it is causing a terrible negative impact on the caretaker. The caretaker has a right to decency and to live a life without harm and hurt. Some people can be caretakers - for a while or a short time and others cannot do this. So, first of all, you have dedicated yourself taking care of a woman who obviously does not deserve you and your sister is not helping much. My question is - why on earth would you allow someone to do this to you? What have you done to deserve this? I bet nothing. This situation is causing great harm and grief to you - without justification. Immediately do one of the following....have your sister take over as complete caretaker; get another caretaker who can handle her; or, best, place her into a facility so you can take care of yourself and live your life. No one deserves to be treated like this especially when you have enough problems yourself. It is YOU who are important - first and foremost. This is why I am so against dementia people living with families - they destroy them. You must be set free and only YOU can make that happen. Don't wait - do this now. You have more than done enough for her and it is only going to get worse. Save yourself while you still can. Please, listen to me.

I am terribly sorry that you are struggling with this situation.

Do NOT allow your mom to define who you are!

You are in an unpleasant situation. Many of us have been there or are still there.

If your situation isn’t going to improve, then make the choice to move on. Why torture yourself?

Especially if your mom made it clear to you that you weren’t her first choice!

Let her ask your sister if she wishes to have sissy’s help. What does your sister say about this situation?

Review the facts. If you are confused then I suggest to do this with the help of an objective professional therapist.

Take the ideas that appeal to you from the forum and discuss them with your therapist.

You will most likely see views that you may not have considered before.

Give yourself permission to focus on what is most important for your situation.

What works for others, may not be what is best for you.

Ignore pressure and guilt from any source.

Do WHATEVER it takes to achieve peace for yourself.

Your decisions shouldn’t be defined as ‘right or wrong’ in your situation.

You will simply be choosing what is best suited for your needs.

Transitional times are uncomfortable.

Once you have made final decisions, your mind will be at rest.

Wishing you all the best in this challenging and difficult situation.

My mom would have preferred my sister as well, unfortunately she passed away and I’m the only child she has.
she’ll get mad at me and say “your sister would never do/say this or that!”
I always say “well, you shoulda had more kids Mom”.
I don’t like it at all but I do my best.
She brags about me to her friends tho. 😉

This year get out of your comfort zone. Try new experiences and create new memories for yourself. Take a masterclass or learn something new. At some point your mother's level of care will beyond you.