I catch myself thinking that I will feel lost after my mom dies. What has been your experience after losing a parent? Please share.

NeedHelp - I guess that's what I was trying to say.... I don't have a life of my own because for so long that's all I've done, is take care of someone. In fact, I used to say I was born married, because I have a twin brother! Then of course I married young and raised kuds. After that I started doing the live-in care- giving, and here I am at 65. Now I don't have anyone to take care of and I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't built my own circle of friends, at least none that are nearby. I haven't built a life separate from care-giving. I don't have hobbies that I can do any more. I think that is what you are saying. Is that right? Well, hopefully it's not too late to start, for either of us! Hmm. Shall we take up chess? Or sky-diving? Maybe we should flip a coin! :-D

I think everybody's situation is going to be different depending on the circumstances. I do feel kind of lost since my MIL died a couple of months ago. One factor is probably the geographical and social isolation. I moved here almost ten years ago and have no family of my own within a thousand miles. It's a small, old, tightly-knit community where everyone is either related or connected by marriage, and if you weren't born here it's hard to fit in. With her gone, I just feel very much at loose ends. She had her circle of friends and I wasn't a part of them. I have been a live-in CG since 2000 for various clients but have health issues of my own now. Now it's like I have no purpose and I don't quite know what to do with myself. I mean, of course there are things to DO, I can watch TV, putz about in the garden, talk to my chickens, do laundry, cook, clean, crochet, etc., things I've always done ... but there is no one to talk to, no one to do them WITH. It's dead boring, lonely and sad. I just miss her.

I took care of a friend that I had known for 15 years. Her kids hired me when dementia hit. She was really rambunctious, challenging, and imaginative with her mind games. I frequently felt that I was being outsmarted by an 84 year old with dementia. I ended up working crazy hours, and I felt like I was reinventing the wheel every other day. Even though I am not family, and I was paid, when she died I was often at a complete loss as to what to do with my time. I felt like I was in slow motion, and I didn’t know how to choose what to do after barely taking time to sleep or breath for so long. Two months have passed, and It has gotten better. Some days I am still practically comatose. I think that we bury our own needs and desires for so long, that it takes a good while to process through such a complicated and psychologically fraught change. It is akin to running, running, running and then being stopped very suddenly.

You know it is interesting how many stay here long after loosing their loved ones. It’s great for us to be able to share their experiences.

I don’t think I would stay though. Not because I haven’t enjoyed it or found it useful. Not because I wouldn’t want to help others. I would want to close this chapter of the book. It would be painful for me to rehash everything.

Supposed to be cathartic but not always for everyone about everything. Sometimes it is better to let it go if it isn’t helpful.

Honestly I think you’re looking for reassurances that you won’t feel guilty after mom passes.....because then you will have the freedom to live your life on your terms. And there is nothing wrong with that.....especially since you have devoted so much of yourself into caring for her. There should be no misgivings about your dream coming true to enjoy your life to it’s fullest. You have gone above and beyond (which most seem to do on this site) and more than deserve whatever good things life offers you. I wish only the best for you....embrace your future.....and in the meantime please take care of yourself.....burnout can be insidious.

You face the fact that you loved your mother but that this relationship won't last forever - it is a fact of life. Be grateful that you had someone special and think of those good times. Then start planning for new adventures and outlets for you and really concentrate on these new things. And when you think of your mother, smile and say thank you that you had her. You must do this because it is the only way you will survive. Remember, something that was is better than never having had it. You will be fine. May peace be with you.

Need, mym and Invisible: I do not plan to leave. Thanks.

Mother passed in 2004 and Dad just passed a month ago. My daily mission was to prop him up after she died. I didn't think I would be doing it for so long. At first I resented losing my independence but then I realized it was a gift to me. Got to know my father in a different way and I am glad I could be there for him. No guilt. Yes, the idea of losing him was scary but inevitable. His needs were my first priority for so long. I was very tired. Had stopped seeing friends or planning activities. Now I have to find the "new normal" just like we did when Mom died. Frankly, I am allowing myself time to drift. There were so many things that needed to be done immediately after Dad's death. I didn't have time to grieve but now I do. Hospice has extended the offer of grief support for family up to 13 months. They must know that it takes that kind of time to adjust. You grieve for all the losses you have experienced as a caregiver as well as the person you lost. I will be grieving finally for my mother as well. Then I think I may re-invent my life, as I can't go back. I'm sure you have a whole other dynamic with a husband and children.

My mom died in 2014 and for the first three months after she died i felt i had to live with my dad and only go home on the weekends. I lived with them for the last two months before she died and it was more emotional I felt I had to be there not only for my dad but also to feel closer to my mom even though in the end she didnt even know who i was.

Now my dad is sick and I have again moved myself into his home and taking care of him. Sometimes it is hard to separate his life from my life. I am pretty much doing this on my own as my brother passed a year ago. I do take time out once every other week and go to my house , but all i really want to do is just go home and sleep.
I completely understand how hard it is looking forward to things. I do leave abpout every other day and go to the store just to get out of the house and now that it is warmer I can take the dogs for walks.
I look at it like this one day at a time and breathe in and breathe out.
I wish you the best and try to just do what you can do both emotionally and physically.My prayers are with you.

Mom died from Alzheimer's in 2016. We had moved her and my dad to a house next door to ours after she got to be too much for dad to handle alone. I shared the caregiving chores with dad for a short 9 months before she passed...with her, the disease progression was mercifully quick. I am not afraid to state that after watching this bright, creative, determined woman deteriorate so quickly, we were all relieved when she passed.

I loved my mother, and I'm sure that she loved me, but our relationship had always been rather complicated. She was an "alpha woman", and I am the same. I believe she felt threatened by my strength, and frustrated that I neither relied on her to direct my life, nor did I succumb to her demanding personality. Not that we ever really fought...I was just confident enough to do my own thing in life without reference to her opinions if they conflicted with mine. My younger sister bent over backward trying to gain mom's approval, and mom loved that. She was, in fact, very controlling.

What I'm getting to is, it seems that whatever sort of relationship you had with your parent will intensify after they are gone. I'm still sorting out various complicated feelings about my mother, and coming to grips with the fact that I can no longer resolve issues with her face-to-face. That's okay...I know I will eventually work it all out and I will take all the time I need to do so.

Bottom line is, we all need time to sort things out after the death of a parent, and there is really no "time limit" involved. It could take weeks, months, or years. One of mom's hospice care people told me that it wasn't uncommon for the loss of a parent to really hit home two or three years after they're gone. I guess we shouldn't expect the same experience as someone else...and we shouldn't be afraid to ask for help if we find ourselves headed in a direction we aren't comfortable with. But do give yourself time, allow yourself to grieve, and cut yourself a lot of slack. But remember that your ultimate goal is to get back to your life and feel good about it. Good luck, and God bless.

Oh, and yes, I miss my mom very much and lately the pain of not being able to see her, talk to her, and touch her hand has been worse. I don't know why the grief returned as hard as it has after 3 years. I still have issues with how others treated the situation and lack of help during that time, especially when I lost sight in one eye due to a spontaneous retinal detachment that happened to me while she was bedridden. Other problems and events in life can bring on feelings of grief and depression, I guess.
For everyone that has experienced a loss of a loved one they were caring for, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Day at a time.

My Mom passed 3 months ago. I can’t offer any help because I am struggling with this right now. I can only tell my feelings.

I was full-time 24/7 caregiver for my mother for 4 ½ years. I took care of her needs daily for 17 years previous to that. She had a massive stroke in July 2014 which resulted in brain damage, memory loss, and severe dementia. She no longer acknowledged me as her son. She needed assistance with everything she did. She spent all her time in bed except for going to the bathroom. Working through all the confusion, agitation, arguing, and fighting was very stressful. Many times I thought I couldn’t stand it one more minute. There were also good times when we talked and laughed and her old personality came through, if just momentarily.

When I was caregiving I thought I had a clear vision of what I wanted my future life to be like. I thought I had it all figured out. I had already suffered the loss of my (real)Mom. I was going through anticipatory loss. Since Mom died I really don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything; what life is about, what my life should be about, how to reinvent my life. It is all still very new. I never thought I would feel like this. I have been through 6 weeks of grief support. This helped me very much.

I had my Mom for 92 ½ years, but when you love someone it is never enough. I miss her a lot and I believe I always will. She taught me so much; patience, compassion, empathy. Taking care of my Mom is the most important thing I’ve ever done. As difficult as it was, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I still feel her presence. She speaks to me and says many of the things she used to say. Sometimes her spirit returns to remind me of something funny we said or did together to make me laugh. I seem to miss the hugs the most. She will always be with me.

My mom passed away 3 yrs. ago after a rough time being bedridden on hospice in my home. I cared for her 24/7 for 2 years, and 17 years to some degree before that. My dad passed away 25 yrs. ago and I was close to him. I am an only child and my husband now is too after his sister died. I had a window of trying hard to acclimate to a regular life after my mom died and was progressing, when my husband's sister died suddenly. She was living with my MIL and supposed to take care of her. Now we are all MIL has. I felt like I was thrown right back into it. Plans on hold and worrying hubby getting worse with his heart condition. It didn't help my longtime childhood friend, who was done with caregiving, began to rub it in hard how great her "new" life and home in another state was. She got to run and change her life and boy did she let me know it. I stopped communicating with her.
It took some time and I started small trying to rediscover what I wanted to do....I don't think I had time to do that fully as I got thrown back into the caregiver life. It helps me to keep a jounal and lists of what I might like to do, if I can.

My experience has been that after my late mother passed that I continue to be a part of this forum, else if I did not - I may lose myself.

Well, I have severe cerebral palsy. Both of my parents are gone. Mom died in thee nursing home with complications (87), and Dad died from lungs cancer (90). Plus both had dementia.

I had thoughts of losing my parents since I was five years old. When I was 36 years old, as I saw my 80-year-old male friend who acted confused, and had onset Alzheimer’s, my depressions, and fears of losing my parents were getting worse. I couldn’t imagine what I would do without my parents. My doctor gave me an antidepressant. At the age of 40, I was beginning to think God was watching me, right after mom recovered from breast cancer, TIA, and my dad was recovering from prostate cancer. Also, the help from the state came through within two years and received several personal care assistants. 

At the age of 44, my mom’s personality was change like her moods were shifting, and arguing with my dad every single day for no reason. I thought it was because he was drinking until he gets drunk every night, but no. On Thanksgiving night, my dad broke his wrist. My depression had become worse. I was thinking “what would I do w/o them?” 

As the end of their lives progressed, I was crying at nights; I didn’t sleep well, worried all the time, and very stressful. I ended up taking care of them as much as I could; a reverse situation of them taken care of me for 47 yrs.

When each of them passed, I felt relieved for them, and me, too. However, I enormously miss my mom’s hugs, cooking, and going out to the theaters, etc. with her. Also, I miss my dad’s sense of humor, going fishing every weekend, and helping me with electronics since I cannot use my hands because of my hands.

The grieving process takes time. To heal the wound in your heart is to talk, think, touch, take, and time (five Ts). Also, writing and/or doing some art help to keep you occupied.

Think of your life with your mom is the end of the chapter, and make room for the new one.

Hugs!

Thank you NeedHelp & cmagnum. Cmagnum, I’ve heard of the statistics of caregivers dying before their parent. I’m mentally & physically drained. The wicked stepmom changed her will 4 days before she died. She was on fentanyl & other strong meds. Since she died, I have discovered so many evil things that she was doing. I have finally found a great caregiver & I do get to come to my home Thursday night and return to my Dads Sunday afternoon. When my Dad goes to bed, I will say see you in the morning & he always replies if I wake up, he is 85. I am 54 and I pray to not wake up, I just want to be with my Momma & not have everything weighing me down. I’m so depressed and I don’t know what to do?

My Momma spent 15 years in a NH, she gained her Angel Wings this past April 25. A big piece of my heart is gone. Watching her struggling to breathe & praying to God to take her is something I will never forget. I’m writing this thru my tears. My stepmom would tell me that I should be ashamed of myself for crying while my Momma was rejoicing in Heaven.
My stepmom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she knew way before she told us. She did her best to put my Dad in a NH before she died. She was wanting to leave both estates to her sons. She died on June 30, I haven’t had time to mourn my Momma.
My Dad has dementia so I am sacrificing my health to keep him in his home. I’m disabled from a brain stem stroke & I am now on a lot of medications for anxiety, crying, PTSD.
I can’t make the decision to put him in a NH, I wish I was strong but I’m not, I am so tired & I pray that I won’t wake up most days. Big hug to you!

What I've learned:
* The main - or only - preparation for losing a parent is to live in the moment of awareness and gratitude. BE PRESENT.
* You may feel lost. Grieving is different for everyone. What worked best for me was diving into those feelings, not try to avoid them. Grief is real and is a process to get through.
* It is an adjustment. Getting involved again meeting people (church, Meet-Up groups may not feel comfortable at first. Give yourself this emotional and psychological wiggle room.
* Be self-compassionate. Observe how you feel in new situations. Do not judge yourself. See or experience the unknown as an adventure.
* Realize whatever you do, and however you are pro-active, is one step at a time. You may feel very vulnerable, like a child. Embrace your child inside. Give her lots of hugs and support. Gena

I feel this exact way. Also I have spent so much time in my home that I find I do not really have the drive to go out for anything. It seems just like another chore. The thing is my mom could go with us but she will not. Lately I feel like she is starting to wind down.

Thank you for this question and thanks to everyone for their answers. I have had this very same wonder about when my mom goes. She's been such a huge part of my life since my dad died, not quite as much since moving her to assisted living in August, but she is still my every day concern. I cry about my dad and my sister at least once a week and it is over 7 years since they died. But I didn't take care of them on a daily basis the way I'm caring for my mom. She isn't near death, so I try to put off the worry. I know I will have plenty to keep me busy, but this care giving, with all it's issues, has been the most meaningful activity of my life.

If you can try doing some of the things you want to do when....now! You never know what the future will hold.
If you need to get a caregiver in for a few hours so you and your Hubby can go on a date do it! There are all sorts of resources that you can use if you can not afford to pay someone. There are volunteer services, if your Mom is on Hospice they will provide a volunteer, lots of church groups will provide a volunteer as well.
If you have a group of friends that you have not spent time with call a few and ask them to come for coffee or tea one day. You could pick a time when your Mom usually naps or late in the evening when you got her in bed.
Part of the problem with being a caregiver is we loose friends as we no longer have time to go to lunch, go out to dinner, go to a movie. You need to keep those connections. Or rebuild the ones that you had.
Start thinking of what you want to do. Work part time? Volunteer? Travel?
If possible put Mom in respite and take a little trip. Something as short as a week will be amazing and will feel like a month, then it will feel like a weekend all at once. Time has a funny way of contracting and expanding at both times.
And do not feel "guilty" about having a caregiver come in or a volunteer or putting Mom in Respite for a while. You do these things to make you a more effective caregiver and daughter by recharging you. You do not expect your car to run without maintenance do you?...this is maintaining you.

One of the things I learned a long time ago, I read an "essay" that sort of formed my thought process while I was a caregiver for my Husband.
This is that essay.
The Station
Robert J. Hastings
Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damming the minutes for loitering--waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
"When we reach the station, that will be it!" we cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450SL Mercedes Benz" "When I put the last kid through college." "When I have paid off the mortgage!" "When I get a promotion." "When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"
Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us. "Relish the moment" is a good motto. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

It's a heartfelt question and an excellent topic. Caregiving overwhelms us because we feel responsible for every little thing, each decision that is life or death, and the routine takes us over. The first thing to remember, IMHO, is that we adjust better than we anticipate and it's the fear and doubt right now that we get out of the way, so to speak, because when the thing we dread takes place, we live through it like every other difficult thing. To me, my parents' deaths brought a sense of profound fulfillment in remembering how I did my best for them.

There are "fun" and "fulfilling" things in life, and don't we love our fun! I predict that just because you're raising this question now, when the time comes you'll have already forged through the most difficult part of accepting the loss and embracing the fun.

Losing my mom felt like a punch in the gut even though both my brother and I knew the end was near and we started preparing ourselves. She had ALZ and pretty much lost all her will to live after my dad passed 4 years ago. She died two years to the day after he did...12/31/14 and 12/31/16 (yes, I lost both parents on New Year's Eve). Her passing was both painful and a relief. She'd suffered so much in her final weeks.

The first several weeks after Mom's passing were a blur of funeral arrangements, contacting family and friends, the funeral itself, emptying out her apartment, probating Mom's will and disbursing the funds between my brother and me per the will. Because my brother is on the autism spectrum I checked in on him frequently. And through it all I kept chugging along running my piano studio and taking care of my husband and our daughter. Sometime around the middle of February, which is a bleak time of year to begin with, I found myself home alone with all this extra time that used to be taken up with caregiving and fell apart. I cried nonstop for hours, finally allowing myself to grieve.

Even after two years, once in a while I still unconsciously pick up the phone around 7 in the evening to call Mom like I used to. Every piece of good news brings the urge to call Mom to share it. Each time the grief feels fresh. It has gotten easier, and it will in its own time for you, too. There's no statute of limitations on grief. My MIL died suddenly of complications of diabetes at age 56 13 years ago and my husband still hasn't really processed it.

But you will learn to create a new "normal" without your mom. You'll eventually be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. You'll be ok. Hugs to you.

Losing my mom felt like a punch in the gut even though both my brother and I knew the end was near and we started preparing ourselves. She had ALZ and pretty much lost all her will to live after my dad passed 4 years ago. She died two years to the day after he did...12/31/14 and 12/31/16 (yes, I lost both parents on New Year's Eve). Her passing was both painful and a relief. She'd suffered so much in her final weeks.

The first several weeks after Mom's passing were a blur of funeral arrangements, contacting family and friends, the funeral itself, emptying out her apartment, probating Mom's will and disbursing the funds between my brother and me per the will. Because my brother is on the autism spectrum I checked in on him frequently. And through it all I kept chugging along running my piano studio and taking care of my husband and our daughter. Sometime around the middle of February, which is a bleak time of year to begin with, I found myself home alone with all this extra time that used to be taken up with caregiving and fell apart. I cried nonstop for hours, finally allowing myself to grieve.

Even after two years, once in a while I still unconsciously pick up the phone around 7 in the evening to call Mom like I used to. Every piece of good news brings the urge to call Mom to share it. Each time the grief feels fresh. It has gotten easier, and it will in its own time for you, too. There's no statute of limitations on grief. My MIL died suddenly of complications of diabetes at age 56 13 years ago and my husband still hasn't really processed it.

But you will learn to create a new "normal" without your mom. You'll eventually be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. You'll be ok. Hugs to you.

Hello,

Post caregiving is a bit of a shock as a chunk of your life purpose has gone and the void arrives abruptly. But as with everything in life, you do evolve, adapt and recalibrate.

Be patient with yourself as you shift into your post caregiving life and freedom. Ask friends and family for assist now also as having a less abrupt role change may ease the transition and will provide balance now.

Bless you on your journey.

K

My late mother was also my very best friend at the time of her death, so I felt a double blow - lost my mom, lost my dearest friend in the world! Mom had (undiagnosed )heart disease, so she dropped dead unexpectedly at age 571/2, but she had also been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This was in the '70's when there weren't the treatments there are now, so since hers was too large to remove yet hadn't metastisized, the doctors said she could live up to 10 years. I figured I would be lost without her, even though I had to assume some caretaking duties immediately at age 26, so every single day, I tried to imagine life without her and asked God's help to have the strength to do so. When she passed so soon (6 months or so after diagnosed), we were all shocked but I was also glad for her, as the nurse who found her said she didn't suffer and that an ovarian cancer death (especially back then) would not have been nearly as painless. Long story short, I strongly feel that both my faith and my trying to put myself in my own future shoes as a daughter without her mother helped cushion what might have been an almost unsupportable blow. So I recommend you try this yourself. God bless you for all you have done and are doing.

My mom died of Alzheimer's about 6 years ago.  I was a little concerned that Hubby and I would have nothing to talk about after she passed away, because so much of our lives revolved around taking care of her for 5 years and 3 months, however, despite missing her, after a while, I got back to a somewhat normal routine. Truth is, I was mourning her  a little every day while she was alive, because once Alzheimer's hit, it wasn't really "her" any more, at least not much of the time. I even wrote  a book about our experiences called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'd suggest trying to find some time for you, even if it's just a cup of coffee and some solitude, or talking with a friend. I found that kept me grounded, so I wouldn't feel a total void as things progressed. If you paint or play the piano, do that for a few minutes. It might be good for everyone.

You may feel sad and lost for a while, but remember nature abhors a vacuum; your life will fill up with things to do; joyful things. You will reinvent your life!

Sigh. Because you asked.... yes, since my MIL died, there has been a whole gamut of emotions! Since it was so sudden and unexpected, there was the shock of course. Then numbness and disbelief. Sadness. Loneliness. Missing her. A little resentment, that she's gone and I don't have her to talk to, and yes, I'll own that that's selfish but there it is! Let's see, what else? Oh yes, guilt, because I thought perhaps it was time to talk to her about not driving any more, and I didn't. But the signals were subtle, so I wasn't sure.

But yes, there is some relief. The house is mine now. I took down some pictures I didn't like. I've added some plants. I don't watch the news every time it comes on, and there are no more shootemup westerns on the TV, at all, ever. Instead I have Pandora playing beautiful music. I don't have to wash every mixing bowl and pan before I can use it - she insisted on "helping" in the kitchen but didn't see well, bless her heart!

So yeah, there are things I miss about her. And things about her being gone that are kind of a relief. I suppose if we are really, truly honest, it's that way with everyone. I expect my own kids will feel that way about me. And while the funeral home may be playing "Shall We Gather at the River?" they'll be looking at each other and thinking, "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone!"

cmagnum,

I do have to try not to over do for mom. Awhile back after mom’s fall the doctor ordered home health with nurse, physical and occupational therapy. The nurse and therapists told me that I was doing too much and to back off where I could. I’m learning. They also encouraged mom to do what she could. Although, she hated their expression, “Use it or lose it!” She was exhausted when they left the house. She’s supposed to continue the exercises but it is hard to motivate her to do it. I usually say that it is time for ‘our’ exercises and do them with her like her therapists did. Especially the ones for balance because the falls scare me to death.

Home health was excellent. They do a great job and it is much needed for the elderly.