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I can't stand living with my mother in law. It has been 10 progressively worse years and I am truly at my whits end. It's really come down to debating on leaving this relationship because I just can't bear to be here in this house with her any longer. Sharing a bathroom, kitchen, living space that she wants to clean with a dirty rag after I've cleaned with antibacterial cleaner is so frustrating. I can't come home and relax ever without being judged, watched and questioned. I really don't know what to do. My partner doesn't see an answer for this. I'm so done and yet I feel trapped.

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Your partner doesn't care, you are just a tool, not a partner in life.

If it is not your home, I would move out, your partner has showed you who they are, believe them.

Time to do what is right for YOU.
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"My partner doesn't see an answer for this".

Partner doesn't see an answer because they are not looking for one. The set up works for him/her.

'Two Queens in one Castle' can bring tension but then again, sometimes can work quite well.. especially if each has defined roles eg the elder woman provides childcare, cleaning & meal prep/cooking while the younger woman works fulltime.

Or maybe the elder provides free or cheaper rent housing in exchange for household chores & maintenance.

Different standards of cleaning are mentioned - hopefully this could be worked out with communication, compromise or defined areas you each look after.

However being unable to relax in your own home is very tough. One poster created her own reading nook that was her own Do Not Disturb zone.

If this is 'MIL's' house you will have Buckley's chance of getting her to stay in her own room & give you run of the house.
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Who owns the house? If Moms you may have to walk away. If yours, time for Mom to leave.

As said if just living together, she is not your MIL. Time for an ultimatum, Mom or me. Just make sure your ducks are in a row. That you can live in ur own. By living together you don't have the rights of a woman who has been married 15 yrs. Consult with a lawyer.
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AlvaDeer Jan 2023
Oh, I never thought of that. 10 years is a long time to live in MIL house for certain. That would look like a bargain made, to me. Hope the OP lets us know.
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You seem to have answered your own question.

When dealing with questions as serious and painful as yours, there is often no “good” answer. No matter what you decide, or your partner decides, or even what the 2 of you decide if you are able to come together to make some sort of mutual decision, someone in your household is likely to be unhappy.

I don’t see anything about the older woman’s age or condition. How dependent is she on your SO?

Have you explicitly detailed your concerns to at least your partner?
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Your partner of 15 years who you have a child with has made his choice and it's his mother. Unfortunately. This is not an eldercare issue, it's a marital issue. Even if you're not legally married, you're common law married and that is recognized in most states in the USA. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You'll have to decide what you want to do here. Issue your partner an ultimatum, either mother moves out or I move out with our child....? That's the logical conclusion here, as I see it.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Fawnby Jan 2023
From unmarried.org

Only a few states recognize common law marriages, and each has specific stipulations as to what relationships are included:
Alabama
Colorado
District of Columbia
Georgia (if created before 1/1/97)
Idaho (if created before 1/1/96)
Iowa
Kansas
Montana
New Hampshire (for inheritance purposes only)
Ohio (if created before 10/10/91)
Oklahoma (possibly only if created before 11/1/98. Oklahoma’s laws and court decisions may be in conflict about whether common law marriages formed in that state after 11/1/98 will be recognized.)
Pennsylvania (if created before 1/1/05)
Rhode Island
South Carolina
Texas
Utah
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The answer is one of you ladies should move out. If your partner does not agree for it to be his mom, then you have your answer and should proceed accordingly. In the meantime, while you are stuck with her until a change is made, set your own boundaries and try to be out of the house as much as possible. Best of luck.
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Partner doesn’t see an answer really means the answer from partner is he/she is planning to continue the living arrangement exactly as it is. The only decision left is yours. Dear Abby used to pose the question “are you better off with or without the person?” So you must decide if you’re better off staying in the relationship and the MIL that is part of the package or leaving the relationship and having a peaceful home?
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You said your Partner doesn't see an answer. So clearly your partner is telling you that he or she has already come to a conclusion/to his or her "answer". That answer is that he or she has made a decision on priorities. The MIL is the choice.
Now you must make your own choice. That has been coming for 10 years. I hope you have divided your assets so that your own money is safe; I hope that you have been preparing for your exit so that it can be clean and without animosity.
Nothing in your house is going to change. You either decide now to peaceably stay and adjust, or you make the decision to leave and get on with your life. You might want to suggest relationship counseling, but I would think in 10 years that was already suggested.
I wish you the best.
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You say partner not spouse so she’s not your mother in law.

Tell him/her that either mom goes or you do, then follow through.
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