I can’t forgive. What can I do?

I am so sorry you're going through this. And VERY sorry that there are so many harsh and downright mean responses. You don't deserve that. Of course it hurts - this terrible disease has taken your dear mom from you. And you are now grieving that loss while having to hear these awful things. My heart goes out to you. Please see if you can contact a grief counselor or group, or perhaps take a look through some of the discussions on this site or google. Know that you will get through this. Try to keep telling yourself that this is not your mom and that she doesn't mean it. Then go ahead and cry and perhaps to talk to someone about it.

Wishing you all the best.

TaylorB1
I know exactly how you feel because I went through the same thing with my mom. The only difference was that my sibling was telling her all these lies and she believed them because of the dementia.

She ended up passing almost a year ago but I’m still having problems since I was the one who took care of her for years and not my sibling.

I know I’ll never forgive my sibling but hope someday I get get rid of the anger I have for my mom. Just want you to know that you’re not alone and sending you hugs. 🤗

There are different paths to forgiveness. I think most of us rely on the passing of time to reach that end. It's a passive approach vs. an active one.

Were you also embarrassed and angry for the nurse to hear your mother's words?

It might be embarrassment combined with anger that is making you feel this way, rather than an inability to forgive. You know it's the disease talking,..unless, of course, she was like this prior to illness.

If you can't take it anymore, and want to be done with her, as you say, that is your choice to make. Be aware, however, that down the line you may find yourself dealing with something else by having done so...like added guilt and sadness, questioning the person you are, etc. Just a head's up--because every action has a reaction. In everything. Everything is connected.

Take time to cry and scream and maybe even write her a letter that you'll never give her. Get it out. Then step back and breathe. Then decide how to proceed.

We get so raw, too raw, and we can't see or feel the forest through the trees.

Best wishes, big hugs.

I know first hand how badly this hurts. My dad's dementia talked to me this way, more often than not. I knew it wasn't my dad, but Mr. Dementia. BUT it was still my dad's voice and my dad's body. That's the hard part I think. And the other part was him not acknowledging how much I was doing for him, being his advocate etc. When you get treated like that, dementia or no dementia, it's so normal for your first reaction to be so very hurt and betrayed. I maintained my calm when I was there with him or talking to him but there were many, many days I sobbed in the car before I could drive home. When I learned to stop and remind myself over and over that it was Mr. Dementia talking to me, not my dad, it started to be more manageable. There was still the initial hurt, but I could think my way thru it better. I hope it helps a little bit to know that others have been thru this too.

These are words you probably will never forget, but you can certainly forgive knowing the circumstances. It's a choice.

My brother-in-law's father did something similar. When taken to a family dinner he insisted the house was his and his son had stolen it from him and stuck him in a horrible nursing home. I had seen the "nursing home". It was memory care and the nicest I have ever seen with a living and bedroom area just for him and a really great dining room out in the common area. Fantastic food. Brother-in-law was paying for all of it. The father continued to make up things about his treatment. My brother-in-law is the kindest, most generous person I know. I saw his entire face drop. It really hurt him. Most of us get this sort of treatment at some point during the caregiving. I hope your mom forgets this rant. My mom would go on and on for many weeks about things she made up, could remember imagined happenings perfectly, but not what actually happened. Then she would come up with a new imagined happening. Most were pleasant. I just had to wait the bad ones out. It's hard because you know you aren't supposed to argue with her, but the impulse is to protect yourself. Perhaps just say "Is that what you think?" and go on with whatever has to be done. You know who you are.

Even though you know it's the dementia talking, it still hurts to hear it because that's still your mother.
Be kind to yourself. Take a break for a while. Don't call your mother. Communicate with the hospital to get updates on her. Good luck.

It is hard to hear such hurtful, untrue things coming from a person who should be expressing love and appreciation. My mom, who is often described as the sweetest, funniest, and most loving person in the world, does this, too, when she's agitated. She will quite suddenly become angry and hateful and start screaming and using foul language at me, blaming me for everything she is going through and demanding that I fix the situation. What she really is feeling is terror over not knowing where she is or understanding what is going on. And her terror and confusion causes her to make up stories about what's happening. AND, the easiest person to blame for those scary things she's imagining is me. It's hard to not hear a sliver of truth in it sometimes ("maybe it really IS my fault? Maybe I should have done things differently?"). But it's NOT true. I've had to grow a really thick skin and learn how to stay patient, and stop trying to argue or defend myself. I just tell her I'm sorry she's upset, I'm on her side, and I will help her.

Try not to be hurt, and try to find sympathy for her instead, because she truly can't control her fear and her behavior any more. It's like a toddler who hits or bites or throws tantrums because she doesn't understand, can't be logical, and can't express herself any other way. You are a good person.

I just wanted to let you know that feeling hurt is normal. It is hard to watch the mother who took care of you dissapear. It not only hurts, but it causes depression and sadness, because you; as I am mourning the loss of my mom; even though she is still alive. Sometimes I see patches of her real self still, and I hang on to those moments. I breath, and step back. I remind myself that she is the one that is suffering with a brain and body that won't allow her to be that person that she once was. By taking a moment to realize this, then compassion can come into your heart. I can't tell you to toughen up, or anything like that because I am right there with you. There are going to be some really tough days ahead, so I have worked hard on trying to understand with compassion, and let her just do her. I love the woman that she was, and I love the woman that is trapped inside the body that she has now. I do my best to let the ugly go, step back, and remember that this too shall pass. I don't want to regret anything on the day that she goes to her maker. Just remember that you are not alone. God is there to give you the strength to honor your mother, and we are hear to always validate your feelings.
God bless. You are in my prayers.

It is the illness talking. You surely must be aware that you Mom is not currently the woman you know as your Mom? If not, I would suggest the counseling of a Licensed Social Worker specially trained in counseling and in life transitions work so you have a more deep understanding of your Mom.
We all love to hear praise. We want to hear "What a good girl you are; what would I EVER do without you; thank you for all you do for me". But when it is an illness talking, that isn't something we will hear. We have to count on our own inner believe about how good we are, irregardless of the opinion of others.
Your poor Mom is struggling now. My heart goes out to you both.

A disease or not, as Ikdrymom pointed out it is still hurts. Blaming the disease does not make it any better especially when we pick and choose which behaviors the person with dementia has control over, or ones that can be corrected with medication.

I do believe dementia brings out a person’s true colors removes the vale that allowed them to hide their true self or the vale that allowed us to see the person in a more positive light.

Just because you know the brain is broken doesn't make it hurt any less. I understand how the OP feels. I would have a hard time getting past it too.

Another poster mentioned kids yelling "I Hate you" to a parent. I never did that to my parents and my kids never did that to me. Some things you can't take back.

If you are unable to handle the abuse please back off for a while. I know it hurts, but unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change what they say.

Those who are hurting hurt.
My dad told me yesterday I’m not much of a daughter, I said dad you know I love you.
My dad is in respite; every doctor says it’s dementia, but we’re still waiting for a formal diagnosis. my dad is angry and agitated. He is sad. He’s losing mobility rapidly. he wants to go home. I do everything I can to support him.
my dad sat with me in A&E when I miscarried, he has been a massive part of my grown sons life. he is the sweetest man in the world. An amazing gorgeous dad. I’ve been blessed. Those words were spoken by dementia, not dad. The same with your mum
i still cried, because I’m grieving. It’s hurts but forgive her. I don’t know what our limits are with these things, but I pray if, when it happens again, my answer will be the same
sending a hug xx

You know her brain is sick and dementia is the reason for her outbursts. Being in the hospital only makes matters worse with confusion and sundowning.

Mom 85 had a heart attack last year and was sent to rehab where she was miserable. She constantly complained and took no ownership for her recovery.

When she was released to her apartment she continued telling me how much she hated me for putting her in rehab. She said she hated me everyday she was there. Yes, this was hurtful and hard to hear. I told her it was the hospital's decision because she was so weak and no I didn't own the hospital and had no control over their decisions.

Even putting dementia aside my mom is and always was difficult. We were never close. She gets agitated and incites arguments with me.

I have set boundaries and when I visit if she starts an argument I tell her mom I am leaving because I am not fighting with you. If she seems agitated I leave & say I will see you later when you are feeling better.

Now I have some serious health issues partly from high stress levels, (dad died in 2020). I had a stroke and now have cardiac issues to address. I will care from afar and let my sister do the hands on and coordinating the sitters.

Stop crying. You know that comments are dementia talking. This will continue to happen. Caregivers, even those that do not provide the care need to develop a thick skin. Find a caregiver support group, that may help you to understand the disease better and help to develop patience. I am so sorry her comments were so hard on you. It is an absolutely wretched disease!

Words HURT. Sometimes words hurt more than the spanking you got as a child.
But thinking back to when you were a child and you went shopping with mom and you wanted a candy bar, or a toy and she said NO. And you said..."I hate you" or when you were grounded for some "ridiculous" reason and you said.."I hate you and I'm going to move out as soon as I can" or "maybe during a fight you said some other hateful thing.
Did you really mean what you said, or was it just your immediate anger, you said what you thought at the moment.
What was your mom's response?
Do what your mom did back then. Ignore the comment said when you were angry.
When you see your mom she will probably have forgotten what she said.
So should you.
Give her a hug, tell her that you love her.
YOU know that you have done nothing to hurt her physically, mentally, financially. People that work with people that have dementia hear all sorts of things and take most of what they hear with a grain of salt.

Wow, you got some pretty harsh responses. Yeah, I guess tough love is what might be needed in your situation. I had that advice hurled at me too. I resented the sharp advice at first...but came to realize it is what I needed to do: don't take it personally, its the disease talking, let it roll of your back, blah blah. Easier to remember this when you're a few steps or hours away. In the heat of the moment, though, it stings. Gently lick your wounds, keep telling yourself you are doing the best you can, and please try to remember the nice qualities that your mom had, in better days.

I hate this, for all of us. Take good care.

Her brain doesn't work anymore but yours supposedly does? Why would you take such words to heart if they don't resemble anything she'd have said when she was healthy?

Sorry, but you need to toughen up.

If you 'know it's the dementia talking' then why is it 'killing you' and why can't you forgive your mother? She's in the hospital, likely suffering from hospital delirium ON TOP of dementia, so for you to expect her to be anything BUT confused and delirious is a bit unrealistic on your part. Calm down, stop crying, have a glass of wine or something & chalk this off to the disease your mother is suffering from rather than something real she's accusing you of.

Make a plan of action to deal with this situation on a day-by-day basis, and to leave your emotions out of it, because otherwise, it's going to be a very, very long road to get her from point A to point B. Level heads MUST prevail now in order to get her the help she needs, to be able to speak clearly & rationally with the staff in the hospital, and to then get her into rehab and/or placed permanently in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. Put aside all the irrational accusations and realize that tomorrow, she likely will have forgotten all about what she accused you of doing today. Yet you spent all night crying and dying over something she has no memory of and no control over! Put it all into perspective as you push forward. Dementia is certainly not easy to deal with, but keep a smile on your face when you deal with her & remember, it's not MOM talking but the disease.

You know its the Dementia talking and they always blame the one closest to you. You are not the only one who has gone thru this. Let it roll off your back.

Taylor, (((((hugs))))))).

Think clinically.

Call the hospital in the AM and ask to speak to the charge nurse. Tell her that your mother is demonstrating a sharp change in mental status. Ask for them to check for a UTI. Consider that this may be hospital delirium.

Breathe. Keep breathing. In & out. Until the racing heart slows & normal thinking resumes.

What's Mom in the hospital for?

People in pain, affected by pain meds, delirius, afraid, say all sorts of things.

Yes claims of financial elder abuse need to be taken seriously. But... also noted, researched & investigated in the proper lawful way.

Someone in a strange place, fearful & angry can often ball up all that & throw it at their nearest & dearest. Because deep down they know they are still loved.

That was aimed at you - her nearest & dearest.

Ride it out.

Come on, your mother's dead brain is talking to you. Do you have to take it seriously? Get it in your head, your mother doesn't have a working brain any more. You have to ignore what she says.