My 82-year-old mother has dementia. She is in the hospital and then will probably go into care. I have done everything for her. I called her last night at the hospital and I heard her shouting to to the nurse, "I don’t want to speak to her!" I’m finished with her, she is dead to me. I was in complete shock. I asked the nurse to ask her why and Mom said, "She has emptied my bank account and stole all my money." I am really upset and I know it’s the dementia talking, but I can’t forgive her and it’s killing me. I would never take anything from her and am hurt beyond belief at being accused of this. I can’t stop crying. What can I do?
Think clinically.
Call the hospital in the AM and ask to speak to the charge nurse. Tell her that your mother is demonstrating a sharp change in mental status. Ask for them to check for a UTI. Consider that this may be hospital delirium.
My dad told me yesterday I’m not much of a daughter, I said dad you know I love you.
My dad is in respite; every doctor says it’s dementia, but we’re still waiting for a formal diagnosis. my dad is angry and agitated. He is sad. He’s losing mobility rapidly. he wants to go home. I do everything I can to support him.
my dad sat with me in A&E when I miscarried, he has been a massive part of my grown sons life. he is the sweetest man in the world. An amazing gorgeous dad. I’ve been blessed. Those words were spoken by dementia, not dad. The same with your mum
i still cried, because I’m grieving. It’s hurts but forgive her. I don’t know what our limits are with these things, but I pray if, when it happens again, my answer will be the same
sending a hug xx
God bless. You are in my prayers.
Make a plan of action to deal with this situation on a day-by-day basis, and to leave your emotions out of it, because otherwise, it's going to be a very, very long road to get her from point A to point B. Level heads MUST prevail now in order to get her the help she needs, to be able to speak clearly & rationally with the staff in the hospital, and to then get her into rehab and/or placed permanently in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing. Put aside all the irrational accusations and realize that tomorrow, she likely will have forgotten all about what she accused you of doing today. Yet you spent all night crying and dying over something she has no memory of and no control over! Put it all into perspective as you push forward. Dementia is certainly not easy to deal with, but keep a smile on your face when you deal with her & remember, it's not MOM talking but the disease.
Another poster mentioned kids yelling "I Hate you" to a parent. I never did that to my parents and my kids never did that to me. Some things you can't take back.
If you are unable to handle the abuse please back off for a while. I know it hurts, but unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change what they say.
:)
hug!!
i echo what ldk says.
and i have a friend in a similar situation. in her case, the mother used to be sweet. now (dementia), she says AWFUL, hurtful things to her super sweet daughter who helps A LOT.
my friend told me it took her a lot of training (repeating “it’s the disease”). now it still hurts, but less.
but my friend told me — it took a long time for her to get to this level of hurting less.
But thinking back to when you were a child and you went shopping with mom and you wanted a candy bar, or a toy and she said NO. And you said..."I hate you" or when you were grounded for some "ridiculous" reason and you said.."I hate you and I'm going to move out as soon as I can" or "maybe during a fight you said some other hateful thing.
Did you really mean what you said, or was it just your immediate anger, you said what you thought at the moment.
What was your mom's response?
Do what your mom did back then. Ignore the comment said when you were angry.
When you see your mom she will probably have forgotten what she said.
So should you.
Give her a hug, tell her that you love her.
YOU know that you have done nothing to hurt her physically, mentally, financially. People that work with people that have dementia hear all sorts of things and take most of what they hear with a grain of salt.
What's Mom in the hospital for?
People in pain, affected by pain meds, delirius, afraid, say all sorts of things.
Yes claims of financial elder abuse need to be taken seriously. But... also noted, researched & investigated in the proper lawful way.
Someone in a strange place, fearful & angry can often ball up all that & throw it at their nearest & dearest. Because deep down they know they are still loved.
That was aimed at you - her nearest & dearest.
Ride it out.
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