My Mom (87) and I'm 64 and I can't care for her anymore. Any advice?

Well, join the club. I'm 63 and my 91 y/o mother, who has Dementia, lives with my husband and me, she has been here for almost 3 horrible years. I have no help from my sibling who live in mexico, who refuse to share the financial responsibility of her care, she is illegally here so she can't receive any government help, The first year she was here 2 of my brothers sent me a total of $475.00, that doesn't cover the diapers we need to buy and her medicines, never mind the doctor's visits and the 2 times I had to take her to the dentist because her mouth was, and still is, a disaster. She lived with my b*tch of a sister in Cabo San Lucas for 3 years in the "care" of this awful woman who abused her and was so vulgar it was disgusting to hear her all day long. Of course, my sister has NOT sent one red cent. My life has changed so dramatically, I used to be very active in sports and with my family here, now I'm trapped in my own house caring for this person, who can't enjoy anything, can't do anything, who is frail and in pain, it's so frustrating, for the past two years and with her geriatric doctor's approval, I bought a nursing home belt to tie her to the bed when I go out. One of my daughters, (We have 2) lives next door so she keeps an eye on her when I go out for some air. This poor people should just pass away peacefully, why do we insist in keeping alive someone who suffers like this. We should just let Nature take it's course. You at least have some options, Medicare or a nursing home you can afford. Believe me, NO ONE WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF OLD PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK AND WITH THIS MENTAL DISEASES. No matter how much you try to sweeten the subject, nursing homes are just places who profit from adult children who just refuse to give up their lives to care for their sick, old parents and choose to have someone else change their diapers and clean them up. This is not, NOT pleasant, it's disgusting, it's awful, I hate it. When I brought my mother here, I did it under the assumption that my siblings in mexico were going to help, well I stopped asking 2 years ago, it's impossible to squeeze water out of a rock, as far as I'm concerned, they can all go to hell.
So I tell you RAYCOM246, exhaust all your options, find out what kind of government help you can get for your mother. I don't know if you have siblings, children to help you out. Reach out to your mother's own siblings, hopefully they will step out to the plate and help you out.
You also need to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically otherwise you will go crazy. Stay in touch with friends, find a hobby, get a membership to a gym or the YMCA, go out, even if it's for a couple of hours, even if it's alone, you need to spend some time away from your mother to recharge your mental batteries, to recharge your patience batteries and to enjoy some peace.
You didn't mention if you are married, but if you are, I hope your husband is on board with you in this. I just couldn't do this without my husband help and understanding, he has shown more compassion, more understanding and more responsibility than my own uncaring, irresponsible siblings.
I wish you the best of luck, ALL OF US ADULT CHILDREN, BARING THE BURDEN OF HAVING TO LOOK AFTER OLD, SICK, MENTALLY ILL PARENTS, NEED A LOAD OF IT.

1sally you sound like someone who shouldn't be on this site. Responding to someone who is earnestly looking for advise and giving them your evil sarcastic remarks is rude & crude.

Since you do not say what your limitations are, why can't her doctor order an evaluation and recommendation she be placed in a facility? I'm 66 yrs., my husband is 88 yrs. with dementia and newly diagnosed lung cancer, and I will care for him until I cannot lift him (weighs 110 lbs.). See about filing for Medicaid and getting her into a facility. Good luck!

ask her Dr to get her evaluated and ask your local Area of Aging Agency to help you out w/ locating an assisted living/nursing home that she can be admitted into.

1sally, euthanasia is an individual's choice. It is not any other person's choice. You cannot put a person to death for your own needs or reasons.

Raycom1, you are worn down emotionally, mentally and physically. I would see if Catholic Charities or your local parish or church, if you have a home church, can offer some immediate hands-on assistance so you can step away for breaks andcget usome systematic help and a big change in your situation.This means starting by getting refreshed in some way, even if it's meeting a friend for coffee, or going to the library to read magazines for a few hours.

If you have a faith practice, continue to use it. If not, find some daily practice that helps you get balanced and centered and feel peace. For me this is prayer, or reading/meditating on the Psalms.


There is no quick fix or easy answer. But there is love and kindness. Open yourself to it step by step and accept small progress.

Get connected with a church or community organization who can help. Reach out today if you can. You are not alone even though it feels like it. Holding you and your mom in my prayers.

Have you looked into getting medicaid for your mother so that she can move into a nursing home?

My sister has been gone a full 2 years. Caring for mother added to her stress and she died suddenly. What happens if your mom out lives you? Whatever those plans are make them happen, now. We had to let mother live alone and hope for the best. When she fell, the doctor stated that she could no longer live alone. She is now, happy, clean, hair fixed, nails done and 95 years old.

She was as bad, as you describe your mom. My other sister and I live 1500 miles away, so her 50 YO grandson stepped in as POA.

Good luck and do what you have to do.

I am I n same boat. Mom is 88 and I am alone . I have had her in my home for 2 years. I didn't know what you meant about meals. I have chopper and puree moms food. Will she quLify for medicaid.My mom wont ,but if placed in nursing home, she will. I empathize with you. Where do you live. I don't want to place my mom I n nursing home, but may have to.at some point.sounds like nh may be your only choice . You can still spend a lot of time with her and check on them.

Thank you. One year later, I am felling better today and up to 135 normal lbs.! I still have financial concerns with an uncertain retirement, but I own my now solely owned CA condo free and clear. Thank goodness for something positive.

It's funny, my mother and I were eating lunch and she commented on all of her friends who had died, either before their mother or shortly after their mother's death. Mother said "an old woman will kill a young woman who's trying to take care of her. They just work them to death." I'm sure she didn't see the irony of her comment. It's before I got help. Thanks God for my mother's caregiver. I still put in 30 - 40 hours a week related to her care, but I do have help. This AM she got up before daylight and I heard the shower turn off (it squeaks) I came running downstairs to find her just stepping out of the shower at 5:20 AM announcing that she was going to college when I asked what she was doing. Of course she slept all morning. I had to work. (I run my business from home.) I can only imagine how hard it is on those of you who are doing it all alone. My advice is the same as Honeybeemay. Get a lady to help out. Also call the county, state or local government. They all have a bureau of aging or something similar.