My Mom (87) and I'm 64 and I can't care for her anymore. Any advice?

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"Charter" tells us she can only get 3 more visits (mostly it's just a weekly bath). I can't prepare a meal she will eat. i cannot bath her. she must use walker to get to restroom & often needs walker & assistance. she's near totally deaf, suffers chronic renal insufficiency, high Bp (for which meds are constantly adjusted), recurring UTI/yeast infections, wears diapers, very fraile (height 5'/weight 80 lbs). looking for any/all assistance i can get. she should be in a home but all i can afford is her medicare with a supplement. i can get to grocery store for bread& milk and i can get her to her MD appts (at least 18 per year). her meds are delivered. what am i to do? family is either moved or less able than me to assist in caring for her. she resides with me. and i believe she suffers from demntia too

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It's funny, my mother and I were eating lunch and she commented on all of her friends who had died, either before their mother or shortly after their mother's death. Mother said "an old woman will kill a young woman who's trying to take care of her. They just work them to death." I'm sure she didn't see the irony of her comment. It's before I got help. Thanks God for my mother's caregiver. I still put in 30 - 40 hours a week related to her care, but I do have help. This AM she got up before daylight and I heard the shower turn off (it squeaks) I came running downstairs to find her just stepping out of the shower at 5:20 AM announcing that she was going to college when I asked what she was doing. Of course she slept all morning. I had to work. (I run my business from home.) I can only imagine how hard it is on those of you who are doing it all alone. My advice is the same as Honeybeemay. Get a lady to help out. Also call the county, state or local government. They all have a bureau of aging or something similar.
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Thank you. One year later, I am felling better today and up to 135 normal lbs.! I still have financial concerns with an uncertain retirement, but I own my now solely owned CA condo free and clear. Thank goodness for something positive.
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My sister has been gone a full 2 years. Caring for mother added to her stress and she died suddenly. What happens if your mom out lives you? Whatever those plans are make them happen, now. We had to let mother live alone and hope for the best. When she fell, the doctor stated that she could no longer live alone. She is now, happy, clean, hair fixed, nails done and 95 years old.

She was as bad, as you describe your mom. My other sister and I live 1500 miles away, so her 50 YO grandson stepped in as POA.

Good luck and do what you have to do.
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That is severe weight loss for someone 5ft 8. I wish you a better future in rebuilding your life physically, financially and emotionally. Hugs and Prayers.
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My months of caring for Mom had worn me down to 110 lbs (I am 5'8" tall). I am glad to have some family to ask for help.In 2012, kept my then 92-year-old mom at home as long as we were able to maintain her independence until April last year. After several falls and her severe protests about keeping her in a board-and-care, a family member from out-of-state finally decided she needed more care than my CA arrangements could provide; she just could no longer afford to stay in CA. Her funds ran out in Oregon one year ago. Medicaid paid for her assisted living and helped with Mom through the last month on hospice care (Medicare for last month?). In 2012 - 2013, I was out of work most of those months and had to get the CA Dept. of Rehab to assist me in training and seeking work. I did not work at all this year. I have just completed some special training but hope to earn some money next year. I am only 59 and now must use Medi-Cal for health insurance.
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Oh, I was also going to say that you might want to have her tested for vaginosis. My gran had reoccurring uti/yeast issues. When she was in the hospital, I had to wipe her, and found she had a very stinky discharge (sorry about the gross factor, but I think most of us have been there). I immediately told the nurse that she looked as though she had a problem with vaginosis. The nurse had her looked at and lo and behold, that was the problem. They gave her a specific antibiotic and she got rid of all those "problems" with the uti/yeast infections.
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My mom is 65 taking care of her 86 yr old mom with me doing the meals and shots during the week now. Gran lives in her own home. Mom suffered a serious health setback that makes her blood too thick. I have many other things in life besides just Gran. I think my gran is also quickly loosing her memory. She's often morose about life. She's not going to qualify for medicaid assistance, and she hates to use her hard earned savings to go into any assisted living or in home care. It is sooo expensive. Honestly, I thought this was my mom writing your post...LOL. You have to have some respite help. You just have to. If you can't get your family involved then it may be time to hire some private help. We are in the process of trying to find someone that gran will trust to come in and help about 3 times a week. While we are thinking eight hr shifts, she's thinking, just a couple hrs here and there. Sorry, that won't work. Still, hiring someone with experience who is a little older and known to be a gentle soul would probably be your best bet because you can pay someone directly a little more than min. wage, instead of paying 17 bucks and hour with only minimum wage going to the caregiver and the rest pocketed by the agency that sent them out.
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I'm 50's and responsible for 2 parents in 90's. There are tons of us with these elderly, frail, sick parents. Its no fun, but they are our parents....please accept our heartfelt supports here on this website. And please follow with MA, VA, and local agencies. There are other 50-60's folks who have loss their parents, and may be able to lend a hand, once they have healed from doing for their own parents.
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Good luck and God Bless you. It's really tough.
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Here is a website that skims over and links to underused government resources for the elderly: https://www.agingcare.com/articles/10-Government-Programs-Caregivers-Can-Access-for-Their-Elderly-Parents-120513.htm

I'd also take a look at this website. http://www.eldercaredirectory.org/state-resources.htm

Here's a section from it:

"Every state has an Aging Services Division dedicated to providing frail seniors with home and community-based services, so that they can continue living in their own homes, instead of having to enter a nursing home.

A wide range of state assistance programs are generally available to eligible seniors, including home health aides and skilled nursing care, home-delivered meals, help with household chores, transportation to shopping and medical appointments, as well as counseling, advocacy and legal aid.

In addition to these programs that help senior citizens directly, many states also offer caregiver assistance programs that provide family caregivers with information, counseling, and respite services."

And here is one more site that may be helpful: http://www.needhelppayingbills.com/html/senior_assistance_programs.html.
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