You need to make people understand that your afraid of this man. Don't say "Its only verbal". You know he is capable of physical violence. Dementia is unpredictable. You also tell them that you have considered suicide because its gotten so bad. Do not minimize what has been going on. You need him out of the home. I would say at this point in Long-term care with Medicaid footing the bill. You need to see an Elder Lawyer to make sure the assets get split. You may want to consider a divorce and allow the State to become his guardian. Weigh the options to see which one is best financially for you.
Absolutely, DO.NOT.MINIMIZE. You DO NOT know what is going on in his head. Obviously, I would get rid of any guns, knives, box cutters, scissors, irons etc… anything that can be used as a weapon (aside from the fact he can kill you with his body).
“About to tell my grown kids they have to go take care of him”
I agree with others: don’t do this OP. It happened to a friend of mine. The mom just left, took a plane. Husband, dementia, left alone at home. The mom had NO REGARD for my friend. My friend (male) had to drive quickly to his dad, to save him. It was very bad what the mom did to my friend.
Pamela, So sorry for what is happening to you. Hope you can place him quickly and for once kids should help. This is such an important subject yet every professional we meet is dedicated to whomever we care for. How about us? Who is going to take care of caregiver? All we hear is what we should do. Something is missing here. As much as everyone takes DV seriously there are so many ( too many)stories on this forum of suffering while caregiving.
It'slong post time for him to have professional care. So sorry this is happening to you. Keep posting -- the people on this site provide wonderful support.
Pamela, Assuming you are where your profile says, “the Behavioral Health Help Line (BHHL) is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Anyone may contact the Help Line. Call toll-free or text 833-773-2445 for immediate help.” https://www.mass.gov/emergencycrisis-services
As long as you are the solution for him, no one will provide another. Although I think most of us here want to take care of family, no matter how imperfect, you need to solve your own care problems first.
Today, you didn’t take your life, but you thought about it. What about tomorrow?
I hope neither you nor the kids will be alone with him again. I hope you will immediately call an Alzheimer’s or crisis counselor if you haven’t; you won’t bother them if you call at 3am.
You don’t need to be responsible for planning the next steps, just get him handed over.
Let the professionals to be his solution, so you can get the care you deserve.
Also, telling an abusive partner that you are leaving is dangerous. When they fear you are leaving them, you place yourself in a vulnerable position because this is usually when they become the most violent.
I’m glad you went back: otherwise you could indeed be charged with abandonment and neglect.
I’m also glad to hear you’ll try not to dump this problem on your adult kids.
Call APS. If you want, he can become a ward of the State. If you want, get a divorce; separation of property.
In another post you wrote: “He always had a bad temper. I was almost always afraid of him. Now he has Alzheimer’s. He has not abused me now for a couple years. Not sure if it is because his energy level has decreased or that he realizes I’m all he has and needs me to take care of him.”
I hope he’s not being abusive.
It’s always been verbal, not physical? With verbal, the police won’t do anything.
Do I remember correctly that he’s much older than you? That it was bound to happen that he’ll get elderly problems long before you?
No one is going to charge a woman with elder neglect because she had suicidal thoughts and she left for 4 hours. If they do, I’ll pay her bail. Goodness.
Pamela: IMO, this is a situation for professionals. On a purely practical level, husband MIGHT behave somewhat more "rationally" around your adult children but ONLY until Monday when APS and/or the police and his doctor need to be involved. (If he becomes violent towards the kids, it is then an immediate police matter.) If the above is a workable temporary solution, the potential issue of vulnerable-person "abandonment" is resolved for the present. In any event, it is time to find placement for this abusive man. He may need medication once he is placed, but the doctor can determine that. He is out of control and is a danger to you--a fact you now recognize to your absolute credit.
Parents need to raise their daughters to know that they must look after their own well being and never accept abuse of any kind.
I realize that most people who marry a person truly want to stay married and live in harmony with their spouse. That only makes sense if they are in a healthy marriage.
Sometimes, circumstances change in a relationship and people must look into alternative arrangements.
I am thankful that I raised my daughters not to be anyone’s doormat. They have expressed their gratitude to me for teaching them to value themselves.
Gone are the days when women should feel as if they have to be submissive to a man for the rest of their lives. Today’s young women are taught to be independent and not to solely rely upon a man for their needs.
No one should ever be abused. Abuse is abuse, whether it is physical or psychological abuse and should never be tolerated.
I am all for healing and reconciliation when a marriage is worth saving. If the marriage is over, it is best to accept that it isn’t a good marriage.
A separation or divorce shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It’s an unfortunate event that occurred during your lifetime.
People do recover from bad relationships and usually end up finding true love in the future with someone who is worthy of their love.
I am SO RELIEVED!!! to hear from you, as I'm sure others are as well. Thank you for checking back in.
I'm glad your children are helping you, but you need the help of professionals to make sure you are safe and not liable for your husband.
If you need to call the police, stick to the facts and keep emotions out of it as much as possible. Police take DV calls very seriously. You can always discuss your feelings with a therapist, or come back here and vent. Please don't feel like you're trapped. Keep yourself safe as much as you can until your husband is placed under professional care. Make sure to keep your mobile phone charged and on you. If you need to call the police from your mobile phone, be sure to tell them you're not on your landline and location of where you're calling from. Sometimes calls from mobile phones take longer to get through vs calling on landline, but don't hang up!!
I hope you can check back and keep us posted. Sending you gentle hugs your way.....
Lock yourself in a bedroom with a self defense weapon. Trust your intuition if you think he might kill you. BELIEVE THAT. I’m sensing a tragedy and I have psychic abilities. I’m VERY VERY worried about you.
I'm so glad that your "kids" now know how desperate you are, and how unsafe you feel.
I think the best idea would be to call 911, tell them that you are being threatened (not "feel"--ARE--unsafe and that DH needs to be kept until he can be placed.
Have you spoken to a lawyer about splitting your assets?
So OP is back home. Please start making arrangements to get your husband out of your home. This includes calling the police when he becomes violent and then not taking him back.
I am here to tell you exactly what to do. Screw the system, leave never come back tell your adult kids to call APS and tell them they have no clue where you are or how to contact you. Let the man rot in a facility. By no means do you go back to deal with this, your mental health is more important and I am sure your kids will understand.
The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.
Is there a domestic violence hotline you can call in your area? They usually have shelters available for women who are in a dire situation like yourself and need a place to stay. You also sound like you'd benefit greatly talking to a trained DV counselor to guide you through the steps you need to take to remove yourself from this situation safely.
There are several issues at hand, which not having full clarity on, may or may not be relevant: If you have been the sole caregiver of your husband, he has been in your charge since you took him back, you are responsible for his welfare. To have just packed up and left like you did reflects elder abuse/negligence on your part. He has Alzheimer's, that means right now he's the vulnerable one left at risk. Again, I don't know who has POA, but you being his sole caregiver needed to have a safety strategy in effect to exit without leaving loose ends like you did. This is where talking to a DV counselor/family law attorney would've covered you. Some DV agencies have attorneys on staff you can speak to if you're unable to afford an attorney for yourself for further legal guidance. Like Venting Is Back said, the police can now hold you liable and charge you with elder abuse for abandoing your husband, especially if something should happen to him while you're away. And what makes you think your adult children have the tools to handle their abusive father? Your children were exposed to the same abuse as you endured and are carriers of their own trauma. Dumping this abusive man on them is not the answer. Was their a conversation with them leading up to leaving? Otherwise, they'll be blindsided and under prepared to mitigate your marital problems on top of Alzheimer's.
Yes, it's important to leave an abusive situation, but you have to have a PLAN in place to protect yourself and make sure this man can't harm you ever again. The way you've left things, because of his Alzheimer's, you have to remove him from your care before you can make any permanent decisions for yourself. That means you have to no longer be LEGALLY responsible for him. This is a huge liability.
What you could have done was called the police during your husbands volatile behavior and explained to dispatch of his current mental state, in fear of your safety, his size/weight, how despite trying to calm him you're unable to diffuse the situation, he's not responding to you, you're scared he's going to do bodily harm to himself and you...he has history of violence, his Alzheimer's is making him behave erratically, etc. That way YOU get an emergency protective order started, he gets removed and placed under psych evaluation, the hospital takes over and you make it clear you're done caring for him.
Emotions are running high, and I get that. You needed out. You're finished. Everyone here is trying their best to support you within this limited capacity....But please, PLEASE, call a domestic violence hotline and TALK to trained professionals. You need much more than a sounding board here to vent.
I went back. I never thought of legal implications of abandoning and being charged with elder abuse. You gave me something to think about. I knew that my daughter would go right over. She lives close. I left for safety reasons. My dgt said I did the right thing. My son planned on going over in the evening which might have been a good idea in that he would see first hand what his mother is dealing with. I'm sorry some felt I wasn't being fair to my children. But I returned because I didn't want to do that to them. I felt desperate and that is why I did what I did.
Pamela, I support you. Are you having any feelings of killing yourself? Please reach out to us and let us know if you have a plan or if you are in danger. My brother killed himself so I know what it’s like to go through this. Please don’t kill yourself. We can help you find solutions, though it may take some time.
Thank you. You are a very caring person. I'm no longer afraid of him like I was I was just couldn't deal with the mental abuse even though I know it's mainly from his disease now. And most of my problem comes from how he treated me over the years and now I am forced to do literally everything for him and I have no life. I know all here are in the same boat. I did briefly think I needed to end it. Couldn't see any relief any time soon. But I am safe and will try to find placement for him.
OP is an abused woman. Her actually getting the hell out of there is a good thing. Her adult children can call whomever they need to, to get dad committed. Perhaps a wellness check from the police from them is in order. Why do we baby adult children? Since OP was married over 40 years they should be at least in their thirties or forties by now. Certainly old enough to call 911 about dad being alone or APS even. I believe OP posted before about son just not caring about doing anything to help her out. OP should call 911 from the road or APS or some emergency hot line about it. Even a woman's shelter may be of assistance to her.
Your husband abused you. I understand you want to leave.
BUT your husband has dementia. He can’t be left alone. It’s cruel to drive away and leave him alone, WITHOUT setting up a plan first. You must call APS. Don’t dump the mess on your kids.
Just want to say, please read Pams previous posts. This is her first one since Jan 22. She is caring for a man who was abusive before his diagnoses. They separated and she took him back because of her "vows" and he was worse, then...he was diagnosed with ALZ. I can only imagine what she is going thru the last 18 months.
Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.
Looks like u have not posted since Jan 2022 and since things were not so good then, they probably are really bad now.
Why have you not placed him? I am sure on one of ur previous posts someone didn't recommend that you see an Elder lawyer to get assets split with DHs split going to his care and then applying for Medicaid when his share runs out.
You need a break and maybe time for the kids to step in. Then you need to get ur husband placed.
Yes things are horrific. He's not violent anymore but the mental abuse even if unintentional due to the dementia is difficult to describe and he is literally killing me.
Try to calm down. I have those hard days with my ex living here. I go somewhere alone and have a good cry...until my eyes burn.
Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.
Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.
Pamela, use this time to seek calm and reflect on your next step. While you are away, check out facilities where he could be placed. Then after some restorative time, choose one and move forward to get him there.
Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.
I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.
I don’t know what it’s like in America but even with Alzheimer’s here in Australia if he had struck you or attacked you, you call the police and he will be removed from the home. You say you won’t have him back because you fear for your safety. He would be taken to an adult mental health ward where he would be reassessed and stay there till full time alternative care is found for him. Can you do this?
You don’t know what he is capable of.
I agree with others: don’t do this OP. It happened to a friend of mine. The mom just left, took a plane. Husband, dementia, left alone at home. The mom had NO REGARD for my friend. My friend (male) had to drive quickly to his dad, to save him. It was very bad what the mom did to my friend.
So sorry for what is happening to you.
Hope you can place him quickly and for once kids should help.
This is such an important subject yet every professional we meet is dedicated to whomever we care for.
How about us? Who is going to take care of caregiver?
All we hear is what we should do.
Something is missing here.
As much as everyone takes DV seriously there are so many
( too many)stories on this forum of suffering while caregiving.
I disagree. Parents shouldn’t dump their problems on their adult kids.
When I have troubles, I don’t start dumping it on others, wanting them to solve my troubles for free because I don’t want to.
Please take care of yourself. Once he is removed from the house you can go back. Your life us very inportant too.
Can you stay with friends or family a short time? You may have to stay at a business hotel.
Let us know how things are going with you.
We can help you with next steps if you want.
It is time for your husband to be placed; it has to be done playfully and we can help you logic out the "how".
We care.
Assuming you are where your profile says, “the Behavioral Health Help Line (BHHL) is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Anyone may contact the Help Line. Call toll-free or text 833-773-2445 for immediate help.” https://www.mass.gov/emergencycrisis-services
As long as you are the solution for him, no one will provide another. Although I think most of us here want to take care of family, no matter how imperfect, you need to solve your own care problems first.
Today, you didn’t take your life, but you thought about it. What about tomorrow?
I hope neither you nor the kids will be alone with him again. I hope you will immediately call an Alzheimer’s or crisis counselor if you haven’t; you won’t bother them if you call at 3am.
You don’t need to be responsible for planning the next steps, just get him handed over.
Let the professionals to be his solution, so you can get the care you deserve.
He’s dependent on help.
It can be psychologically abusive on your part against him, and it can be physically dangerous for him to be alone since he has dementia.
I’m also glad to hear you’ll try not to dump this problem on your adult kids.
Call APS. If you want, he can become a ward of the State. If you want, get a divorce; separation of property.
In another post you wrote:
“He always had a bad temper. I was almost
always afraid of him. Now he has Alzheimer’s. He has not abused me now for a couple years. Not sure if it is because his energy level has decreased or that he realizes I’m all he has and needs me to take care of him.”
I hope he’s not being abusive.
It’s always been verbal, not physical? With verbal, the police won’t do anything.
Do I remember correctly that he’s much older than you? That it was bound to happen that he’ll get elderly problems long before you?
I hope you find a way out. Call APS please.
Parents need to raise their daughters to know that they must look after their own well being and never accept abuse of any kind.
I realize that most people who marry a person truly want to stay married and live in harmony with their spouse. That only makes sense if they are in a healthy marriage.
Sometimes, circumstances change in a relationship and people must look into alternative arrangements.
I am thankful that I raised my daughters not to be anyone’s doormat. They have expressed their gratitude to me for teaching them to value themselves.
Gone are the days when women should feel as if they have to be submissive to a man for the rest of their lives. Today’s young women are taught to be independent and not to solely rely upon a man for their needs.
No one should ever be abused. Abuse is abuse, whether it is physical or psychological abuse and should never be tolerated.
I am all for healing and reconciliation when a marriage is worth saving. If the marriage is over, it is best to accept that it isn’t a good marriage.
A separation or divorce shouldn’t be seen as a failure. It’s an unfortunate event that occurred during your lifetime.
People do recover from bad relationships and usually end up finding true love in the future with someone who is worthy of their love.
NHWM
I'm glad your children are helping you, but you need the help of professionals to make sure you are safe and not liable for your husband.
If you need to call the police, stick to the facts and keep emotions out of it as much as possible. Police take DV calls very seriously. You can always discuss your feelings with a therapist, or come back here and vent. Please don't feel like you're trapped. Keep yourself safe as much as you can until your husband is placed under professional care. Make sure to keep your mobile phone charged and on you. If you need to call the police from your mobile phone, be sure to tell them you're not on your landline and location of where you're calling from. Sometimes calls from mobile phones take longer to get through vs calling on landline, but don't hang up!!
I hope you can check back and keep us posted. Sending you gentle hugs your way.....
https://www.mass.gov/service-details/section-35-the-process
I'm so glad that your "kids" now know how desperate you are, and how unsafe you feel.
I think the best idea would be to call 911, tell them that you are being threatened (not "feel"--ARE--unsafe and that DH needs to be kept until he can be placed.
Have you spoken to a lawyer about splitting your assets?
(((Hugs)))
The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.
There are several issues at hand, which not having full clarity on, may or may not be relevant: If you have been the sole caregiver of your husband, he has been in your charge since you took him back, you are responsible for his welfare. To have just packed up and left like you did reflects elder abuse/negligence on your part. He has Alzheimer's, that means right now he's the vulnerable one left at risk. Again, I don't know who has POA, but you being his sole caregiver needed to have a safety strategy in effect to exit without leaving loose ends like you did. This is where talking to a DV counselor/family law attorney would've covered you. Some DV agencies have attorneys on staff you can speak to if you're unable to afford an attorney for yourself for further legal guidance. Like Venting Is Back said, the police can now hold you liable and charge you with elder abuse for abandoing your husband, especially if something should happen to him while you're away. And what makes you think your adult children have the tools to handle their abusive father? Your children were exposed to the same abuse as you endured and are carriers of their own trauma. Dumping this abusive man on them is not the answer. Was their a conversation with them leading up to leaving? Otherwise, they'll be blindsided and under prepared to mitigate your marital problems on top of Alzheimer's.
Yes, it's important to leave an abusive situation, but you have to have a PLAN in place to protect yourself and make sure this man can't harm you ever again. The way you've left things, because of his Alzheimer's, you have to remove him from your care before you can make any permanent decisions for yourself. That means you have to no longer be LEGALLY responsible for him. This is a huge liability.
What you could have done was called the police during your husbands volatile behavior and explained to dispatch of his current mental state, in fear of your safety, his size/weight, how despite trying to calm him you're unable to diffuse the situation, he's not responding to you, you're scared he's going to do bodily harm to himself and you...he has history of violence, his Alzheimer's is making him behave erratically, etc. That way YOU get an emergency protective order started, he gets removed and placed under psych evaluation, the hospital takes over and you make it clear you're done caring for him.
Emotions are running high, and I get that. You needed out. You're finished. Everyone here is trying their best to support you within this limited capacity....But please, PLEASE, call a domestic violence hotline and TALK to trained professionals. You need much more than a sounding board here to vent.
If they choose to help their mom, fine. If they don’t want to be involved with their dad, it’s their prerogative.
Just want to say that this isn’t your children’s problem. Call APS, not your kids. They don’t have to put up with any of this.
Your husband abused you. I understand you want to leave.
BUT your husband has dementia. He can’t be left alone. It’s cruel to drive away and leave him alone, WITHOUT setting up a plan first. You must call APS. Don’t dump the mess on your kids.
If her husband can’t be left alone, it was cruel to just leave him. OP should have called APS.
It’s NOT the kids’ responsibility to have to drop everything in their lives and rescue the situation.
OP is still married. It’s her responsibility. She should have called APS before abandoning her husband.
(Ventingisback)
Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.
Leave and let the children call APS.
Looks like u have not posted since Jan 2022 and since things were not so good then, they probably are really bad now.
Why have you not placed him? I am sure on one of ur previous posts someone didn't recommend that you see an Elder lawyer to get assets split with DHs split going to his care and then applying for Medicaid when his share runs out.
You need a break and maybe time for the kids to step in. Then you need to get ur husband placed.
Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.
Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.
Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.
I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.