I can't care for Alzheimer’s husband another day. I don’t know what to do or where to go.

Pamela, take a deep breath.

You have been married to a controlling and abusive man for a long time.

Yes, you need to leave, but this is NOT your kids' problem.

Have you spoken to a lawyer? (I think some of us may have advised that in the past).

Call the local (to him) police and ask for a wellness check. Tell them that you have a family emergency or health emergency of your own to attend to (you do).

If police find DH needs attention they will take him to ER for a "social admit".

Find yourself a quiet hotel room and take stock of your next steps.

Pamela, use this time to seek calm and reflect on your next step. While you are away, check out facilities where he could be placed. Then after some restorative time, choose one and move forward to get him there.

Have you ever heard of Morita therapy? Its principles are knowing what is controllable and what is not controllable, and seeing what is so without attachment to expectations. Feelings are acknowledged but not always acted upon. It emphasizes focusing on the full scope of the present moment and deciding what needs to be done. Three useful steps are acknowledging feelings, determining your purpose, and then taking steps to reach your goals. This would be a good time for you to study Morita's teachings.

I am so proud of you for taking steps to get away from this horrible situation. Stay strong and refuse to care for him anymore. You deserve better.

I don’t know what it’s like in America but even with Alzheimer’s here in Australia if he had struck you or attacked you, you call the police and he will be removed from the home. You say you won’t have him back because you fear for your safety. He would be taken to an adult mental health ward where he would be reassessed and stay there till full time alternative care is found for him. Can you do this?

Just want to say, please read Pams previous posts. This is her first one since Jan 22. She is caring for a man who was abusive before his diagnoses. They separated and she took him back because of her "vows" and he was worse, then...he was diagnosed with ALZ. I can only imagine what she is going thru the last 18 months.

Your marriage vows don't mean you need to put up with abuse. They also say "to cherish". I doubt that God wants one of his children abused in any way.

Leave and let the children call APS.

I am here to tell you exactly what to do. Screw the system, leave never come back tell your adult kids to call APS and tell them they have no clue where you are or how to contact you. Let the man rot in a facility. By no means do you go back to deal with this, your mental health is more important and I am sure your kids will understand.

The system will just drag this out force you to deal with the situation longer than you should given your mental health. F him. My mom was in a similar situation my father had alcohol related dementia and he was an abusive POS. I covered for her after she had a break down, and dealt with placement and shit. Good kids will do this for their parent. Go be free it sucks, and took time but my mom is much happier.

Burnout is pretty much inevitable. Hiring respite care in-home helps but has minimal carryover when you come home. After four years, I am convinced most of us aren't wire for the verbal abuse that seems inevitable. One-on-one, particularly spousal caregivers are doing the right thing but maybe for the wrong reasons. My wife does best in a communal setting like our Bible study and worship on Sunday. I just enrolled her in a daycare arrangement and, if she doesn't balk over my leaving her there i the mornings, I think she will quickly come to enjoy the group activities. We took a couple of short visits there and she lit up each time as she went from person t person expressing her love for them as if she had known them all her life. She even does that to strangers in the grocery store. To repeat, most spouses are doomed to burnout and even disrespect which exacerbates the problems. Find a communal setting if your husband is not physically unable to attend.

I’m so sorry your burnout has come to this. Instead of telling your adult children they must come provide care, let them know you cannot carry on as it’s been and you need their help for a new plan for care, either professional help in home or their dad moving to where professional help is available. This is crisis time for you both and care for you both is essential. Find a quiet hotel and spend a few days decompressing and healing. I wish you peace

Try to calm down. I have those hard days with my ex living here. I go somewhere alone and have a good cry...until my eyes burn.

Then I come home and pretend I'm fine. I know how overwhelming, frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see this, and be forced to deal with it. Especially if you have a heart.

Start working on placing him. I've been doing it 18 months, and finally seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I'm crying for you right now. I GET IT.

Don’t dump this on your children. You don’t want the problem, so what makes you think it’s OK to dump a problem you don’t want, on your children?

If he needs urgent help, please call APS; don’t just drive away and abandon him.

Time for husband to move into a facility. If this can't happen then divorce him and move out. Sorry you are suffering because of your husband's abuse. The Alzheimer's only made it worse.