I can’t believe it, but the benefit specialist working on my father in law's LTC through Medicaid called Tuesday!
This is too good to be true. I have had an extremely stressful week with FIL. He keeps asking what is the status of the apartment on main street. (this conversation started because my mom is able to live out in the country by herself). I am trying to stop it before we go through it over and over again. I told him that he is not waiting for an apartment there. I stated that he is on a waitlist for assisted living so he would have the help he needs with monitoring his medication and assistance with nutrition. I also said there are a lot of other things there to possibly work on your memory and immediate help when you fall. So, it begins. I can live by myself. I am getting better when I walk or turn. I know I have to watch it. That’s why he had a black eye the other day.
I have even changed the way I deal with him regarding him being a 165 pound squirrel in my yard. I just say thank you for all the work you do. It’s helping. Anyway, I said that I have it written in black and white from your doctor saying you are to not for any reason to live by yourself and you are to be evaluated by a benefit specialist to determine what level of care is needed. Adrc evaluadated in february. At that time the recommendations were for assisted living. Unfortunately, he was ready to leave the rehabilitation center because he plateaued. We should have left him there while we waited for Medicaid and he would have been higher on the list. Anyway he moved in with my BIL and family. Not perfect, he still didn’t take his medication and he kept falling.
He has been with us for 6 weeks as many of you know my story with my family. Sorry about the long intro so I am curious if anyone knows what happens? I know on the 29th the benefit specialist reevaluates him. There has been a huge decline since February. I was in Illinois when they did the first one so I am nervous because one moment he is okay but then the next he isn’t. He said that they talk to us so they know where he stands. I love him so much and I really think he will be happier there.
Another question is what is assisted living like. Can he leave to go to his coffee shop. What kind of care does he receive? What do we do if he refuses to go. We have the documentation from the doctor and ardc. He is not of sound mind. Would we have to go to court to prove it? Then one of his friends that I have gotten really close to said have him fill out the paperwork for those low income apartment on main street. I told him that will really start something. I have been really really ill and I can’t even drive I have an endoscopic ultrasound with a stent placed in one of my pancreatic ducts. I am very weak and in constant pain so when his friend said this I and trusted him and explained how frustrated my husband and I are and no one knows what you are going through unless they are walking in your shoes. So the next time he saw me he called me a dry drunk. I was really hurt by this. I was just confiding in him about how difficult it is. As many of you know it’s not been an easy year but I still go to meetings help others and I work the 12 steps daily. I am so tired of people judging when they have no idea what the hell is going on. I am so sorry for this book I wrote. I know I have vented but there are a few questions I need some help with. Thank you love you guys
If you are on the "front page" you'll get more exposure and hopefully more answers.
How are you? How are things going?
Staffbull is asking for information about POAs and living wills.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-is-the-difference-between-poa-and-living-will-442097.htm?orderBy=recent
Just wanted you to know, DeeAnna
You have an AL that will take Medicaid? Not where I live in NJ. Its takes 2 yrs of private pay for Medicaid to be allowed and thats if the ALs quota hasn't been met. Next is a NH. If FILs decline is constant, you should consider a NH. I wish I had done that with Mom. ALs can only do so much.
This friend has no idea how Dementia is. My DH lived in the same house with my Mom and still thinks she was capable of understanding certain things. He has made comments to people that he has no idea what she was like after she left here because he never visited her and saw the decline. This friend has no idea what he started.
My suggestion, only talk to the people who understand what you have accomplished. That have been there themselves. You really don't have to be open about what you have gone thru. Someone will use it against you.
So sorry you r going thru all of this. But if you want real peace of mind, put FIL in a nice NH where he will be safe. ALs are not usually lock downs.
So, FIL needs a supervised living situation, whether or not he can see that. If he has dementia, and if his doctors have said he can't live alone, he probably WON'T be able to "admit" to that, so don't hold your breath for him to say "oh, yes, this is what I need".
Sounds like you need to confide only in your therapist!
So, you meet with the benefits person next week, be sure that YOU tell them what he REALLY can and can't do. It sounds as though FIL is capable of "showtiming" for friends, family and doctors. Be aware that most folks with dementia can and do do this; they can hold it together for 45 minutes to an hour and appear "normal".
The assessment is probably a "needs assessment" to see what FIL's legitimate needs for are a supportive environment . Please DO show them evidence of your very real medical condiitons; pehaps you need a letter from your doctor saying that caregiving is harming your health.
As I mentioned before, if ANYthing goes on (a fall, a change in his mental status) call 911, show them the paperwork that says he is not competent to make his own decisions and get him to the hospital.
The assisted living we looked at in Ohio, had locked doors. They said it was for the safety of the residents so no one could come in or go out and be harmed. They did go on outings with staff though.
However the person could sign out with someone.
Also the resident could not be forced to go there. They were not prisoners.
And most of the places wanted a big cash deposit that could not be refunded. Since Dad refused to go, that was not an option.
Try not to listen to anyone that criticizes you or puts you down for trying to help.
In the meantime, the Medicaid evaluation will be helpful; then, you can tell him this (either AL or NH) is what your doctors and Medicaid are recommending (blame it on them). The evaluator may be able to recommend a good facility that accepts Medicaid according to the care he needs, and help you with getting him a place there. I'd definitely ask.
It doesn't sound like the guy you confided in is a very good friend if he is going to judge how you work the steps. It's really none of his business, that is between you and your sponsor.
((Hugs)) you will get through this, just take it one day at a time.
As to your FIL's friend, now you know that you can not confide in him anymore. "SIGH." Next time you see him, just say "Hi" and then walk on by. Nothing this "friend" has to say is worth hearing or getting upset about. (That being said--if the same thing had happened to me, I would have been UPSET and crying and just as mad as you at that friend.) {Here is a smile: The mis-spelling of "FRIEND" is "FIEND"!! 😃 }
Thank you for the "LONG update" and please keep us posted on what is going on with yourself and your FIL.
"Do not fear, for I am with you...I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you...." ISAIAH 41:10 {{Hugs}} and ^^Prayers^^ 🙏 💟 💮
More answers later, but if he falls, call 911 and have him taken to the hospital. You are correct, he should have stayed at rehab, Medicaid Pending.