I can’t believe it, but the benefit specialist working on my father in law's LTC through Medicaid called Tuesday!

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This is too good to be true. I have had an extremely stressful week with FIL. He keeps asking what is the status of the apartment on main street. (this conversation started because my mom is able to live out in the country by herself). I am trying to stop it before we go through it over and over again. I told him that he is not waiting for an apartment there. I stated that he is on a waitlist for assisted living so he would have the help he needs with monitoring his medication and assistance with nutrition. I also said there are a lot of other things there to possibly work on your memory and immediate help when you fall. So, it begins. I can live by myself. I am getting better when I walk or turn. I know I have to watch it. That’s why he had a black eye the other day.


I have even changed the way I deal with him regarding him being a 165 pound squirrel in my yard. I just say thank you for all the work you do. It’s helping. Anyway, I said that I have it written in black and white from your doctor saying you are to not for any reason to live by yourself and you are to be evaluated by a benefit specialist to determine what level of care is needed. Adrc evaluadated in february. At that time the recommendations were for assisted living. Unfortunately, he was ready to leave the rehabilitation center because he plateaued. We should have left him there while we waited for Medicaid and he would have been higher on the list. Anyway he moved in with my BIL and family. Not perfect, he still didn’t take his medication and he kept falling.


He has been with us for 6 weeks as many of you know my story with my family. Sorry about the long intro so I am curious if anyone knows what happens? I know on the 29th the benefit specialist reevaluates him. There has been a huge decline since February. I was in Illinois when they did the first one so I am nervous because one moment he is okay but then the next he isn’t. He said that they talk to us so they know where he stands. I love him so much and I really think he will be happier there.


Another question is what is assisted living like. Can he leave to go to his coffee shop. What kind of care does he receive? What do we do if he refuses to go. We have the documentation from the doctor and ardc. He is not of sound mind. Would we have to go to court to prove it? Then one of his friends that I have gotten really close to said have him fill out the paperwork for those low income apartment on main street. I told him that will really start something. I have been really really ill and I can’t even drive I have an endoscopic ultrasound with a stent placed in one of my pancreatic ducts. I am very weak and in constant pain so when his friend said this I and trusted him and explained how frustrated my husband and I are and no one knows what you are going through unless they are walking in your shoes. So the next time he saw me he called me a dry drunk. I was really hurt by this. I was just confiding in him about how difficult it is. As many of you know it’s not been an easy year but I still go to meetings help others and I work the 12 steps daily. I am so tired of people judging when they have no idea what the hell is going on. I am so sorry for this book I wrote. I know I have vented but there are a few questions I need some help with. Thank you love you guys

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Aw, Staff; I'm so SORRY; bumping up means that when you (or I or anyone) posts a new thing to your thread, it goes up in the queue, closer to the top.

If you are on the "front page" you'll get more exposure and hopefully more answers.

How are you? How are things going?
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DeeAnna Aug 26, 2018
Barb,
Staffbull is asking for information about POAs and living wills.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/what-is-the-difference-between-poa-and-living-will-442097.htm?orderBy=recent

Just wanted you to know, DeeAnna
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Staff, Thanks for letting us know what is going on.  If anything changes or if you have any questions or concerns, please let us know.   {{{{HUGS}}}}
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bumping again
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Staffbull18 Aug 26, 2018
i am so sorry i feel stupid what does bumping mean and how do you do it
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Staff;

So, FIL needs a supervised living situation, whether or not he can see that. If he has dementia, and if his doctors have said he can't live alone, he probably WON'T be able to "admit" to that, so don't hold your breath for him to say "oh, yes, this is what I need".

Sounds like you need to confide only in your therapist!

So, you meet with the benefits person next week, be sure that YOU tell them what he REALLY can and can't do. It sounds as though FIL is capable of "showtiming" for friends, family and doctors. Be aware that most folks with dementia can and do do this; they can hold it together for 45 minutes to an hour and appear "normal".

The assessment is probably a "needs assessment" to see what FIL's legitimate needs for are a supportive environment . Please DO show them evidence of your very real medical condiitons; pehaps you need a letter from your doctor saying that caregiving is harming your health.

As I mentioned before, if ANYthing goes on (a fall, a change in his mental status) call 911, show them the paperwork that says he is not competent to make his own decisions and get him to the hospital.
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Staff, when you say you have documentation that he is not of sound mind, what do you mean?

More answers later, but if he falls, call 911 and have him taken to the hospital. You are correct, he should have stayed at rehab, Medicaid Pending.
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Bumping this up for more advice for Staffbull. I will answer later when at my computer.
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Bumping your posting up so that others can see it and comment.  Hope that you are feeling better since you had the stent put in your pancreatic duct.  How is your Mother and FIL doing?
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Staffbull18 Aug 23, 2018
we saw my mom yesterday for our weekly check and work my husband was able to get her kitchen sink done so she can finally put water down it instead of putting the dirty water into a bucket and trying to carry it outside without falling. her kitchen was a disaster as usual. even if she does the dishes they’re still dirty. good news she is going to see a therapist with everything she has been through and the grieving she is doing dealing with my brother. also she lost my other brother when he was 9 and then her mom a month later. she also struggles with lottery tickets but she really needs to process this issue with my brother. my fil has fallen twice in the last couple of days. the first benefit specialists recommendation was assisted living that’s why he was put on the list and the doctor stated he can’t live alone and with my medical condition and my husband work. he actually has brain damage with the start of dementia that is getting worse. within a minute he forgets what he says. thank you sweetie
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Sorry that you haven't been feeling well and have been having so many problems with your health.  Since you had the stent placed in your pancreatic duct, have you scheduled Home Health nurses and aides to come in and take care of you (and your FIL)?

As to your FIL's friend, now you know that you can not confide in him anymore.  "SIGH."  Next time you see him, just say "Hi" and then walk on by.  Nothing this "friend" has to say is worth hearing or getting upset about.  (That being said--if the same thing had happened to me, I would have been UPSET and crying and just as mad as you at that friend.)    {Here is a smile:  The mis-spelling of "FRIEND" is "FIEND"!!  😃  }

Thank you for the "LONG update" and please keep us posted on what is going on with yourself and your FIL.

"Do not fear, for I am with you...I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you...." ISAIAH 41:10 {{Hugs}} and ^^Prayers^^   🙏  💟  💮
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Staffbull18 Aug 19, 2018
thank you sweetie
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Does anyone have POA? If not, and he refuses to go to AL or NH, you will probably have to get an elder law attorney and file for guardianship. If it is not contested, it may still take a little bit, but shouldn't be too complicated of a process, particularly since you already have the doctor's statements.

In the meantime, the Medicaid evaluation will be helpful; then, you can tell him this (either AL or NH) is what your doctors and Medicaid are recommending (blame it on them). The evaluator may be able to recommend a good facility that accepts Medicaid according to the care he needs, and help you with getting him a place there. I'd definitely ask.

It doesn't sound like the guy you confided in is a very good friend if he is going to judge how you work the steps. It's really none of his business, that is between you and your sponsor.

((Hugs)) you will get through this, just take it one day at a time.
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If he was evaluated in February for assisted living but you say he has had a big decline since then, he may no longer be a good fit for AL. And Medicaid in my state serves very few AL beds. Every one I visited was private pay and basically scoffed at me when I inquired about Medicaid. One thing I wish I had could have realized and accepted earlier was that when Mom (who was in rehab) was no longer good physically enough for AL, I fought it tooth and nail. I worked with her harder, I pestered her insurance and got extensions on the rehab, I hounded her and the therapists. For some reason I just did not want to face the fact that she may need NH care. And after all that she still couldn’t walk far enough to qualify for AL. All I had done was waste time and frustration for both of us. There is a reason she didn’t qualify and the AL was correct in not admitting her. She would have lasted a month there and then we’d be going to a NH anyway. My point is please try not to get as hung up on AL as I did when it might be better in the long run for him to go straight to long term care. So don’t fear the evaluation. It will give you direction.
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