I've been POA for my father for almost 4 years and care manage his entire life. This includes taking care of his old house, paying all bills, managing his health care, dealing with issues with his tenants and caregivers (and finding these people/hiring/firing etc) I live in a different state. I have full time work that I can't effectively do. I have developed intense debilitating anxiety and depression dealing with all of this. I've kept him in his house all this time (he's 91 with dementia) but at great cost to myself. He is currently in a temp rehab place and absolutely miserable saying he wants to go home. I need to step down but don't see what other options I have. He has children in another country but they don't help, only tell me what to do. I am going nuts. What do I do...

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Hire all of this out with dads money.

Get a property management company for the rental, they earn their money dealing with everything with the house and tenants.

A care manager will help dad with his in home help and report to you. They can also deal with all of his medical appointments and transportation to and from.

This will cost him and he will probably not like having to pay for all of the services that you now do for free.

Get all of his bills online and then you just have to go online monthly and send a bank check. Most bills can be rescheduled and then you have one due date for everything.

Being POA doesn't obligate you to kill yourself to prop up his charade of independence. You matter as much in this situation as he does.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

sunbrooke, you have way too much on your plate. No wonder you are stressed out, I know, been there, done that, haven't have time to wash the t-shirt.

Tell your Dad either you step down, he returns to his home, and have his other children take over..... or he moves to Senior Living and you will continue overseeing his bills, and managing his health.... but the rentals need to go and so does his house.

If he bulks at these two choices, tell him up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers die leaving behind the love one they were caring, what would he do if you passed on?

Don't give up your life so that your Dad can continue his lifestyle with a lot of help.
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Reply to freqflyer
sunbrooke Apr 3, 2021
thank you so much for understanding.
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Then he will have to sell the rental property, use that money up and then apply for Medicaid.

Is he safer in the facility?

He may have to do what is best for him and not what he wants.

None of us gets everything we want, especially at someone else's expense.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

Edit: if nobody takes care of him, the state will intervene and take control of him. This may be the only way to save yourself. He doesn't get to kill you because he doesn't want to change anything. It sucks that we have to go there with our parents but, they created the situation.
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Reply to Isthisrealyreal

Being POA does not mean you have to do everything yourself.
It now is not what Dad wants its what he needs. He needs a AL. Does your POA give you the right to sell, then I would do it. Sell his home, his rentals. Or use the rentals to pay for his care in an AL.
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Reply to JoAnn29
Frebrowser Apr 3, 2021
I agree. You definitely need to find ways to decrease the amount of work required and delegate much of what is left if in order to maximize your ability to continue to act as POA at all.

I would suggest getting expert tax advice before selling the rentals. The depreciation that gives rentals a cash flow advantage, is recaptured on sale. I'm not saying not to sell, but don't let the resulting tax bill be a surprise. Installment sale might stretch out the tax bill or 1031 exchange into something with better income might help, but an an expert can tell you the advantages and disadvantages.

If it all feels too expensive, remember the likely alternative is likely state guardianship, which will not minimize expenses.
Please keep in mind EVERYONE “wants to go home”, and very VERY rarely are able at some point to appreciate the obligations and consequences of cari g for themselves.

Your work load already demonstrates that your father is unaware of his lack of ability to manage his own affairs.

Consider also that you DO have options. It is your FATHER whose options are diminishing.

If your POA was drawn up by a lawyer, you can contact that person and have the Bill sent to your father, and indicate at the same time that you are doing all that you are doing, and can no longer manage.

Dad’s SAFETY is critical and YOUR SAFETY IS TOO. Start today to ignore anyone and everyone who chooses from afar to tell you what do.
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Reply to AnnReid

If it were me, I would be telling the social worker at the rehab that discharge to home is no longer an option. It has been my experience that the job of the social worker at rehabs (depending upon the state) is to effectively discharge the patient. And if you are POA they will lean on you, so you need to be firm about it being unsafe for him to go home and that you live out of state, and that you can’t care for him at home because you work. I would be consolidating all his assets for a spend down. Your goal might be getting him into a facility where you pay one bill a month, the facility coordinates all the care, until he runs out of money, and then apply for Medicaid. If you can find a decent elder care attorney for advice I would consult with one about your various options, including selling his home. I don’t know what resigning a POA, entails but believe me I have wanted to resign my POA many many times. If you do resign and no one steps up, he will be assigned a state guardian that will manage his affairs. But if you had things under control, you wouldn’t feel this great of a burden, And use your fathers money for the attorney. Do not make the mistake of using your own money to supplement his care or bills. The lawyer can advise you on what expenses for which you can reimburse yourself.

You cannot go on trying to figure out how to make what he wants happen. It will kill you! Your health and personal life will suffer, if it’s not already. You need a different plan and you need to tell your father his plan is not feasible. At 91 and with dementia, your father has no business owing a ton of money on a home that he cannot manage or seem to pay for, on his own. It is not easy. He will be angry with you. But his situation is not going to get better. Having POA means YOU make the decisions- you are in charge - you are not following your fathers impractical plan. I would also advise counseling. I had to go to counseling (via Zoom) and start medication for the anxiety and depression brought on by stepping in to care for my mother. It really helped. Good luck!
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Reply to Mepowers

Taking care of someone with dementia is overwhelming and depressing at times.  The key is while making good decisions for him, you have to make it manageable for you.  The fact that he is not currently in his home is the perfect time for you to find a facility for him to go to permanently.  If you let him go back home, it will be twice as hard to get him back out.  If you get him into a memory care facility and sell his house, you will have much less to manage.  At my mothers place, the doctor comes to her, the podiatrist comes to her, the meds are administered there, ect….everything is streamlined so that I am not managing the logistics of all of that.  Sell his things and move him to a great facility where they can provide the care he needs 24/7.  Then you are paying one or two bills and filing his taxes for him.  Much less stress.
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Reply to Jamesj

Did you contact an attorney? If he has tenants, he may be able to have a legal guardian take over if his children won't. You may need an attorney to contact his children if you do not. I certainly understand. Taking on these responsibilities is huge. Often we do not know what we are getting into until we are smack in it and then wait and wait and wait until our own health is seriously affected.

For your own well-being and health.

Yes, he will continue to say he wants to go / come home. Expect this. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty - you'd want to go home too. However, there comes a time when changes need to be made. And that time is NOW. He will adjust to 'what is' as best he can. As you have adjusted. We do what we do for as long as we can do it.

And if his children and he do not thank you, I am thanking you for the four years you've been doing this. It is a huge service. I know, I'm in a similar situation. gg
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Reply to TouchMatters

The rehab place has a social worker. That is the person you need to be talking to. Laws vary in each state. DO IT NOW!

It sounds like he's got money, so there is no reason why you cannot use his money to pay for an eldercare attorney to sort things out, including a court appointed legal guardian.

If he has dementia you are not doing him any favors letting him live by himself. One day he will wander off and get injured or killed. My sister-in-law let her mom live by herself, and I have been warning her for years to not allow that. She refused to listen. Her excuse is that her mom did not want to go to assisted living, and totally with it. She was in her 90's. She fell, broke her hip, and was on the ground for DAYS before someone found out. She ended up dying from the complications of being in the hospital from a hospital-acquired infection.
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Reply to cetude

I want to echo what TouchMatters said: TAKE CARE OF THIS NOW. He gave you power of attorney for a reason: so that you can make decisions, tough decisions, that have to be made (which is why IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO HAVE P OF A IN PLACE BEFORE IT IS NEEDED!)

Tell him he must go to assisted living and sell his assets to pay for it. and do not feel guilty; everyone facing this must make these hard decisions; it is part of life.

That said, if you just feel you can't anymore, go to court and get a court appointed guardian; they will make the tough decisions for you; they deal with this all the time. Caveat: once you have done this, stay out of it and let them do their jobs! `
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Reply to mshog44

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