Nothing to feel guilty about. You've gone above and beyond. Not being able to stand poop? Well, I'm 110% there with you and I feel absolutely NO guilt over it. My mom went into AL due to dementia before it became a big issue but we did have a couple of bouts that had me thinking her days here were numbered. I literally cried when I looked in her hamper when she had diarrhea. My hubby had to deal with it. We're both lucky in that respect but I would never have allowed him to change her poopy diapers, if it had come to that. Just too much for me to tolerate. Best of luck.
Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies and suggestions. If a time comes that I need to do this myself, I think I will try a Covid mask with Vics vapor rub first. I would only put her in a nursing home if she did not know us. She still has a glimmer of life and I don't want to break her heart.💚
15 years is a long time. You stated in a reply below that your mother doesn’t want to go to a facility that it would break her heart . Well for 15 years your life has been significantly impacted by her wish to stay out of a facility . Does she care about the impact this has on you , and your husband ?
Your Mom should have been offering to accept and pay for some hired caregivers to come into the home at least part time 2-3 days a week so you and your husband can get a break and have some time to yourselves free of listening for when she calls you for something.
You also said you feel like you have to do this because Mom took care of you . Your Mom had breaks from caring for you because you went to school . Mom should be offering you a break . If not, IMO she’s selfish and has groomed you to be a caregiver from an early age .
If there is no part time help coming so you and your husband can go out as a couple , then you should tell her she has to allow and pay for the help. Your awesome husband deserves this for putting up with her demand of not wanting to go to a facility and having her son in law clean her up ,
You say your mother has all her faculties . That’s strange that she would allow her son in law to clean her. No way would I ask nor want my son in law to clean my butt. IMO at this point your mother should be offering to go to a facility .
I know I will be unpopular about this but , you do have choices. Either you clean Mom’s butt or ….. You can tell Mom that you can no longer provide the care she needs in your home and place her in a facility , rather than feeling guilty that your husband is cleaning her butt.
I don’t blame you for feeling guilty about it, I would too . Even if my husband was willing to clean my mother’s butt ( which I know he would never do ) I would feel bad about it. He should not have to do that . And if I couldn’t do it, then my Mom would go to a facility .
Your inability to clean up feces is not the problem . The problem is your mother’s selfishness and the fact that she has guilt tripped you into feeling you owe her and have to care of her at home.
It might well "break my heart" to be compelled to enter a care facility, but the OP's situation is far worse, IMO. Perish forbid that my son-(or daughter)-in-law would be expected to clean me! Although I've never gotten to the point of considering a Final Exit "High Noon", the butt cleaning thing might just tip me over the edge. That's a TOTALLY untenable situation as I see it.
IDK about you, but my mom stopped 'caring' for me at about the age of 3. When I was potty trained, actually. I didn't 'owe' her anything for the care she gave me and it most assuredly did not go on for years and years. In my family, by the age of 12 you were doing your own laundry and ironing, making dinner once or more times per week and was responsible for a younger sib (or 3). We had our chores and we did them, no questions asked. Our house was clean and it wasn't mom doing the heavy lifting. I can distinctly remember hanging up those birds eye diapers for my baby sister. AND mixing her formula and sterilizing bottles. I was 9! I actually also got up at night with her sometimes. Changed a billion or so diapers with my younger 2 sibs, when I was 7 and 9.
There is ZERO comparison between caring for a baby and an elderly person.
YOU HAVE NO NEED TO FEEL GUILT OVER SOMETHING SO NORMAL AS FECAL INCONTINENCE THAT YOU CANNOT STAND.
God bless your DH. He's a rare breed.
IF you aren't looking to make a change, but just need emotional support in a tough situation, then you got it. Try the Vicks or essential oils in a mask and just get down to business as best you can.
As long as I have my gloves and mask, I can handle it more so now than in the beginning. I do use the good mask. There are still gagging days. but covered. seems to help. Quick and gentle also helps.
I wish I could add something to help you. I do know that the Coroner used to put Vicks under their noses to keep the smell of decaying bodies at bay, Why don't you call the Coroner's Office to see what they use.
Please do not feel guilty, you cannot help it. Have you talked to your mother about moving her to a facility where she would have more professional help? Surly she is not that selfish . I know I do not want to burden my daughter under any circumstances. Perhaps she feels the same.
Christines555: Fifteen years is a long time, but you have a team effort there (you and your DH (Dear Husband) ). Don't try to "overcome" it, but focus on the things that you do well.
Some of y’all are not understanding that this isn’t a matter of getting used to it. The body reacts out of reflex.
It would be like getting used to the doctor tapping your knee with that little mallet, to the point where your knee doesn’t do the automatic small kick anymore. You can think distracting or happy thoughts all you want, but you cannot control what happens.
Get disposable rubber gloves. Remember all those face masks from Covid? Well, round up a few. Wear one when having to help with “wipe/diaper change time”. A lot of nurses put Vicks under their nose to fight smell, try it or put some essential oil on the mask. They even have “stink balm”. It looks like chapstick, but comes in many string scents and you rub it under/around your nose. Look on Amazon.
I have similar issue with smells. Also use decent vent fan in bathroom or open window when weather permits. They do have scented wipes for bottom clean ups. I use the plastic grocery bags to dispose of wipes (they say they are flushable, but I’m not so sure ). Once cleaned up, put all gloves, diapers, wipes and put in plastic grocery bag tie it up and then I take out to garage and put in covered trash can. I put one of those hang over the door storage things and I keep grocery bags, wipes, pull-ups, extra pads, gloves…everything I need to do proper clean up near. I have two bathrooms and have one of these over the door things, stocked, in both bathrooms. I also use that Just One Drop toilet bowl scent…it’s def more than one drop needed, but it helps keep things smelling fresh. There are several other toilet bowl scent brands, find one you like.
It’s not fun, but you will get used to it once you have a good system close at hand for cleanup and disposal with minimal fuss.
With me all-season is weather permitting for open windows. I don't care if it's ten below zero or a hurricane, if something stinks the windows are getting open.
Focusing on other things like what you're grateful for is a nice idea and should help you to distract from the task somewhat. Vicks under your nose and then a mask helps a lot. Pooph spray like someone already recommended is really a big help as well. You are so fortunate to have had your loved one for so long. I wish you well.
Pooph! spray is like a miracle. It really is. I never could stand the Vicks under the nose. I tried it a few times when I was first starting out in caregiving, but it always gave me a headache.
I always wore a mask when toileting or changing a client so I had to bring my own. I would mist them with some light cologne spritz scent that I liked. My ex-husband used to always go to the semi-annual sale at Victoria's secret and buy up all kinds of lovely products. Face masks and spritzers were always part of a Valentine's Day gift and Christmas stocking stuffer LOL.
Well, if she's 100 years old you probably won't have to be handling it for all that much longer. 15 years of caregiving in your house is a long time.
Do you have outside help coming in? I will tell you honestly and this comes from 25 years of working as an in-home caregiver. You never get used to the crap. It's always gross and always nasty every time. Everyone thinks this so you have no reason to feel guilty about anything. You're not doing anything wrong.
Some things like wearing a mask when you change her is a big help. There are also some products that can help too. Like Pooph! spray odor eliminator. When you're changing her diaper, spray a bit of it the second you open the tabs. It neutralizes odors on contact. That helps. It won't harm her either. If she uses a commode spray some in it the minute she's finished and it works.
Other than wearing a mask and using odor eliminators, there really isn't all that much that can be done about it.
There are people who can not stand to deal with poop, without gagging. They are fine with anything else, just not poop. We all have our own threshold when it comes to certain things. I don't think you need to feel guilty about it.
However, the care your mother requires seems to be placing quite a burden on you and your husband. I'd like to remind you that there is also no shame and no guilt in finding a suitable care facility for your mother. Perhaps you've just become used to doing this, since she has lived with you for 15 years. And she has become comfortably dependent on you. You may have some cultural beliefs or emotional strings which make you feel obligated to provide her care. You and your husband are likely not that young yourselves and this was probably not the way you wanted to spend your retirement years. It's time for you to take an assessment. Are you really able and willing to provide all the care your mother needs at this point? If not, that is what nursing homes are designed for. Do a tour though, before you go that route. All nursing homes are not the same. Find one that you can feel good about.
One way I shift is being GRATEFUL. Start creating a GRATEFUL list daily - aim for 10. That is easy if you make the list 'easy' - "I'm glad the sun is out today." . . . "I'm grateful my husband is so caring for my mom."
This will help your brain start shifting to thoughts 'all the time' when situations come up ... as thousands do every day. You can shift your thoughts (reframe thoughts) to "what am I grateful for in this situation).
INDEED . . . you are very fortunate to have a husband so caring and especially in this area of personal need. How many of US out here have a husband / partner like that ? Count your blessings.
Guilt is a waste of time. That doesn't mean it goes away just because we know that. It is a nasty one. Still . . . we can reframe / have an intention to change how we feel in the moment. Know that you are not STUCK with your feelings. That is a first step (awareness). Once you know that, give yourself options: "Well, I ALSO feel gratitude for my loving husband. " The key here is ALSO. You don't push a feeling away, you move it to the side to allow (an/) other (s) to come in.
In general, ask yourself how you can reframe guilt into another feeling. Once you do this, you will open the door to many other (positive) feelings. Belief you DESERVE to feel FREE of guilt. That is the first step. Then miracles will happen.
Gena / Touch (ps - I'm grateful for your husband. What a gem)
You know we all have things we can and cannot do - thats why we have people in our lives to help us. Husband is a God send and praise God he is able to do this. Instead of feeling guilt - give your husband a massage or an extra slice of pie for the great job he does. Give mom a hug and do what YOU can for her. Wash her hair, paint her nails, something that makes her feel good. Then after all that - hug yourself - give yourself permission to have a treat, a nap, get someone to sit with mom and you and husband have a dinner / movie night. Life is hard period! Know that as I am writing this I prayed for you, your family and situation! Cyber hugs!
A husband who doesn't mind changing his MIL's crapped in diapers. Now that is a man worth keeping and God bless him.
I had two husbands and it was their relationships with my mother were extremely strained on the best of days. I can't imagine either one of them wiping her a$$ or changing her dirty diapers.
I'll tell you one thing the OP's husband deserves a lot more than an extra slice of pie or a massage. Wiping MIL's backside and changing her diapers could be hall-pass worthy.
Your mother is living with you and your husband for FIFTEEN YEARS and on a G tube to extend her life even further than 100! Yet you're using the word "guilt" here because you cannot bring yourself to clean up feces???? And you have people here telling you to just suck it up, basically. Unreal.
Agree. At 87 I have zero desire to reach 100. No one should have to deal with this situation, although I know that heroic caregivers (pros and non-pros) do it every day. I STRONGLY hope that I never live to experience poo incontinence. I have already specified in writing that I do NOT want feeding tubes, ventilators, dialysis, super-antibiotics, CPR or any other "heroic measures" at EOL. Still, if I should somehow manage to arrive at such a hapless point, I also strongly hope that my Final Exit can occur quickly and quietly via VSED or MAiD.
When poop is involved, I'm out the door. Adult incontinence is way worse than a baby's loaded diaper. The more poop there is, the more I'm certain I'm gonna die. I'm fighting a gag just by writing this. Oddly, I am not squeamish. I can watch a surgical procedure on TV and eat at the same time. Just can’t with poop.
Like me, you are just wired this way. It's not a matter of getting used to it. Not a matter of just toughening up. You cannot change a bodily reflex. Everyone has something that their body just cannot tolerate. In our case, it's poop stench.
Mother needs to be in a facility. This is way more care than you both can provide. Not because you're incompetent, but because you aren't superhuman.
If your husband thinks the most loving thing is to keep her home, he means well but he is mistaken. She is not getting the care she needs with you two alone. She needs people with training for her medical needs and can get immediate care 24/7. That is the most loving thing, to make sure she has ALL she needs.
I emptied commodes, cleaned can, and changed diapers for 25 years and there was never a time when it didn't completely gross me out. I always wore a mask dealing with any of it because if I didn't I would have been sick.
I understand why she in not in a facility. If not on Medicaid it is too expensive. And there is the obligation you may feel towards her. I use Vicks at my nose for the smell and always disposable gloves so it does not touch me and send me in a tailspin of ahhhhh.
Its time to place Mom. This is not a job your husband should be doing. Out of all I did for Mom, this was the worst. I am very sensitive to smells, I never would have gotten use to it.
When was the G tube put in? Because after a certain age, they should not be used. Once in, hard to get it removed unless you place Mom on Hospice and let nature take its course. Really, what kind of life does she have now. The G tube maybe what is keeping her alive, At 100, may be time to let her go.
Why would anyone allow for a G tube to be put in at that age? This is all just so gross. Sorry, but you don’t get a medal for living to 100. Let nature take its course and Hospice make things comfortable and with dignity. What kind of quality of life could a person have with this situation?
It's a partnership. You can't handle something and he can. I myself have no problem with feces, but the pain of one of my patients made me dizzy. My friend Robin couldn't stand sputum and she would often suction a patient in need standing there gagging herself.
Our bodily reactions to the bodily fluids of others are normal human vaso-vagal reactions that are a part of our genetic makeup for centuries of adaptation. You aren't alone and every nurse out there has SOMEthing that will send her heaving. Trust me. When I first witnessed circumcisions (don't believe them when they say they are painless) was when I first knew I couldn't "take" pain.
We do the best we can. That's all. Tell your hubby how much you appreciate him. That's all you can do.
Amen to that, Alva. I've gone running for a bathroom, sink, garbage can, and even the bushes more than a few times in my years of caregiving. Anything associated to hands-on human care is the most disgusting job on earth.
When I lived out west, part of one of the jobs I had was cleaning out horse stalls. All the stalls combined together were not as gross as cleaning up after one incontinent adult. Fact.
If your Mom is 100 years old, you are most likely pushing 70 if not more. I don’t blame you having difficulty . Caregiving doesn’t get any easier the older you all get . I feel sorry for all 3 of you .
if it’s the smell, there are a number of f good suggestions on the forum for coping with that, such as Vicks under your nose or scented oils on your sleeve while you’re cleaning up. I put bags of activated carbon, available on amazon, in mom’s room and bathroom for the ongoing smell. I can’t tolerate air freshener of any sort, and the carbon just absorbs the smell. In my experience, your stomach will get stronger as you challenge it. I used to try to bring up my breakfast, now I don’t even care.
Well hiring help 24/7 may be too expensive . If that is the case , and you don’t want to do it , and you don’t want your husband to do it , then the option left is to place Mom in a facility.
Do you think your mother would want her son in law taking care of it ?
My Mother doesn't want to go into a facility. She still has a spark of life left and it would just break her heart. She cared for me all of her life and I think I should do the same. If she had dementia or alzheimers and didn't know us then it would be a different situation.
Your Mom should have been offering to accept and pay for some hired caregivers to come into the home at least part time 2-3 days a week so you and your husband can get a break and have some time to yourselves free of listening for when she calls you for something.
You also said you feel like you have to do this because Mom took care of you . Your Mom had breaks from caring for you because you went to school . Mom should be offering you a break . If not, IMO she’s selfish and has groomed you to be a caregiver from an early age .
If there is no part time help coming so you and your husband can go out as a couple , then you should tell her she has to allow and pay for the help. Your awesome husband deserves this for putting up with her demand of not wanting to go to a facility and having her son in law clean her up ,
You say your mother has all her faculties . That’s strange that she would allow her son in law to clean her.
No way would I ask nor want my son in law to clean my butt. IMO at this point your mother should be offering to go to a facility .
I know I will be unpopular about this but , you do have choices. Either you clean Mom’s butt or ….. You can tell Mom that you can no longer provide the care she needs in your home and place her in a facility , rather than feeling guilty that your husband is cleaning her butt.
I don’t blame you for feeling guilty about it, I would too . Even if my husband was willing to clean my mother’s butt ( which I know he would never do ) I would feel bad about it. He should not have to do that . And if I couldn’t do it, then my Mom would go to a facility .
Your inability to clean up feces is not the problem . The problem is your mother’s selfishness and the fact that she has guilt tripped you into feeling you owe her and have to care of her at home.
However--
IDK about you, but my mom stopped 'caring' for me at about the age of 3. When I was potty trained, actually. I didn't 'owe' her anything for the care she gave me and it most assuredly did not go on for years and years. In my family, by the age of 12 you were doing your own laundry and ironing, making dinner once or more times per week and was responsible for a younger sib (or 3). We had our chores and we did them, no questions asked. Our house was clean and it wasn't mom doing the heavy lifting. I can distinctly remember hanging up those birds eye diapers for my baby sister. AND mixing her formula and sterilizing bottles. I was 9! I actually also got up at night with her sometimes. Changed a billion or so diapers with my younger 2 sibs, when I was 7 and 9.
There is ZERO comparison between caring for a baby and an elderly person.
YOU HAVE NO NEED TO FEEL GUILT OVER SOMETHING SO NORMAL AS FECAL INCONTINENCE THAT YOU CANNOT STAND.
God bless your DH. He's a rare breed.
IF you aren't looking to make a change, but just need emotional support in a tough situation, then you got it. Try the Vicks or essential oils in a mask and just get down to business as best you can.
Sounds like we grew up in similar households.
You handle other things - great!
Please do not feel guilty, you cannot help it. Have you talked to your mother about moving her to a facility where she would have more professional help? Surly she is not that selfish . I know I do not want to burden my daughter under any circumstances. Perhaps she feels the same.
A friend of mine who is a CNA told me about these special masks out now with a charcoal filter in them. It's supposed to neutralize smells.
It would be like getting used to the doctor tapping your knee with that little mallet, to the point where your knee doesn’t do the automatic small kick anymore. You can think distracting or happy thoughts all you want, but you cannot control what happens.
I have similar issue with smells. Also use decent vent fan in bathroom or open window when weather permits. They do have scented wipes for bottom clean ups. I use the plastic grocery bags to dispose of wipes (they say they are flushable, but I’m not so sure ). Once cleaned up, put all gloves, diapers, wipes and put in plastic grocery bag tie it up and then I take out to garage and put in covered trash can. I put one of those hang over the door storage things and I keep grocery bags, wipes, pull-ups, extra pads, gloves…everything I need to do proper clean up near. I have two bathrooms and have one of these over the door things, stocked, in both bathrooms. I also use that Just One Drop toilet bowl scent…it’s def more than one drop needed, but it helps keep things smelling fresh. There are several other toilet bowl scent brands, find one you like.
It’s not fun, but you will get used to it once you have a good system close at hand for cleanup and disposal with minimal fuss.
I always wore a mask when toileting or changing a client so I had to bring my own. I would mist them with some light cologne spritz scent that I liked. My ex-husband used to always go to the semi-annual sale at Victoria's secret and buy up all kinds of lovely products. Face masks and spritzers were always part of a Valentine's Day gift and Christmas stocking stuffer LOL.
Do you have outside help coming in? I will tell you honestly and this comes from 25 years of working as an in-home caregiver. You never get used to the crap. It's always gross and always nasty every time. Everyone thinks this so you have no reason to feel guilty about anything. You're not doing anything wrong.
Some things like wearing a mask when you change her is a big help.
There are also some products that can help too. Like Pooph! spray odor eliminator. When you're changing her diaper, spray a bit of it the second you open the tabs. It neutralizes odors on contact. That helps. It won't harm her either. If she uses a commode spray some in it the minute she's finished and it works.
Other than wearing a mask and using odor eliminators, there really isn't all that much that can be done about it.
However, the care your mother requires seems to be placing quite a burden on you and your husband. I'd like to remind you that there is also no shame and no guilt in finding a suitable care facility for your mother.
Perhaps you've just become used to doing this, since she has lived with you for 15 years. And she has become comfortably dependent on you.
You may have some cultural beliefs or emotional strings which make you feel obligated to provide her care. You and your husband are likely not that young yourselves and this was probably not the way you wanted to spend your retirement years. It's time for you to take an assessment. Are you really able and willing to provide all the care your mother needs at this point? If not, that is what nursing homes are designed for. Do a tour though, before you go that route. All nursing homes are not the same. Find one that you can feel good about.
Start creating a GRATEFUL list daily - aim for 10. That is easy if you make the list 'easy' - "I'm glad the sun is out today." . . . "I'm grateful my husband is so caring for my mom."
This will help your brain start shifting to thoughts 'all the time' when situations come up ... as thousands do every day. You can shift your thoughts (reframe thoughts) to "what am I grateful for in this situation).
INDEED . . . you are very fortunate to have a husband so caring and especially in this area of personal need. How many of US out here have a husband / partner like that ? Count your blessings.
Guilt is a waste of time. That doesn't mean it goes away just because we know that. It is a nasty one. Still . . . we can reframe / have an intention to change how we feel in the moment. Know that you are not STUCK with your feelings. That is a first step (awareness). Once you know that, give yourself options: "Well, I ALSO feel gratitude for my loving husband. " The key here is ALSO. You don't push a feeling away, you move it to the side to allow (an/) other (s) to come in.
In general, ask yourself how you can reframe guilt into another feeling.
Once you do this, you will open the door to many other (positive) feelings.
Belief you DESERVE to feel FREE of guilt. That is the first step. Then miracles will happen.
Gena / Touch (ps - I'm grateful for your husband. What a gem)
With all due respect to the gratitude plan you recommend for the OP, it literally be no help whatsoever in dealing with the sh*t.
What will help in dealing with the poop is trying masks and different odor-eliminating products.
Seriously, if the OP invests in a bottle of Pooph! spray, she will be very grateful indeed.
I had two husbands and it was their relationships with my mother were extremely strained on the best of days. I can't imagine either one of them wiping her a$$ or changing her dirty diapers.
I'll tell you one thing the OP's husband deserves a lot more than an extra slice of pie or a massage. Wiping MIL's backside and changing her diapers could be hall-pass worthy.
Like me, you are just wired this way. It's not a matter of getting used to it. Not a matter of just toughening up. You cannot change a bodily reflex. Everyone has something that their body just cannot tolerate. In our case, it's poop stench.
Mother needs to be in a facility. This is way more care than you both can provide. Not because you're incompetent, but because you aren't superhuman.
If your husband thinks the most loving thing is to keep her home, he means well but he is mistaken. She is not getting the care she needs with you two alone. She needs people with training for her medical needs and can get immediate care 24/7. That is the most loving thing, to make sure she has ALL she needs.
I emptied commodes, cleaned can, and changed diapers for 25 years and there was never a time when it didn't completely gross me out. I always wore a mask dealing with any of it because if I didn't I would have been sick.
That's true it is was worse than a baby.
I use Vicks at my nose for the smell and always disposable gloves so it does not touch me and send me in a tailspin of ahhhhh.
When was the G tube put in? Because after a certain age, they should not be used. Once in, hard to get it removed unless you place Mom on Hospice and let nature take its course. Really, what kind of life does she have now. The G tube maybe what is keeping her alive, At 100, may be time to let her go.
You can't handle something and he can.
I myself have no problem with feces, but the pain of one of my patients made me dizzy.
My friend Robin couldn't stand sputum and she would often suction a patient in need standing there gagging herself.
Our bodily reactions to the bodily fluids of others are normal human vaso-vagal reactions that are a part of our genetic makeup for centuries of adaptation. You aren't alone and every nurse out there has SOMEthing that will send her heaving. Trust me. When I first witnessed circumcisions (don't believe them when they say they are painless) was when I first knew I couldn't "take" pain.
We do the best we can. That's all. Tell your hubby how much you appreciate him. That's all you can do.
When I lived out west, part of one of the jobs I had was cleaning out horse stalls. All the stalls combined together were not as gross as cleaning up after one incontinent adult. Fact.
You have done more than enough, no reason for the guilt, I wouldn't change her diaper either.
Guilt is a sell-imposed emotion that serves no purpose except to keep one stuck, you have done nothing wrong.
If that is the case , and you don’t want to do it , and you don’t want your husband to do it , then the option left is to place Mom in a facility.
Do you think your mother would want her son in law taking care of it ?
Why haven’t you looked into a facility for your mom?