I brought my mother to live with me after awful care in nursing home. I can't do it!! What are my options?

I can relate to your situation. I too brought my mom to live with me bc it wasn’t safe for her to live in her home anymore. She was falling all the time, leaving the stove burners on, not bathing, had no way of getting groceries etc. I never imagined caring for her would be so life changing for me; let alone my family. I reached out to assisted living homes and talked to the coordinators there at length yet decided to bring her to my home. What was I thinking??? I remember one of the coordinators telling me how she applauds family members taking in their loved one but cautions them caregiving is hard and it doesn’t get easier. How true!! I would suggest contacting an assisted living facility. Talk to the person in charge. They are source of knowledge and full of resources to refer you to. Take care of you first.
mad a side note…no one judges you here. We have or are walking in your shoes. Hugs!!

Unfortunately, regardless of what kind of a spin we put on it in our minds, when a elderly LO can no longer live independently and needs care, there are really only 3 options: LO lives at home and family does caregiving, LO lives at home with hired caregivers, or LO is placed in the appropriate facility. The rest is really just logistics.

From your profile: "I'm afraid I may be making this decision out of my need to rescue ie: EMS. But I'm also looking forward to bonding with my Mother and having no regrets when she passes." I think, in a nutshell, this is what drove you to make the decision to move mom back in with you. I don't doubt you when you say her care was not good; but what was it that drove you to move her in with you rather than find another facility? I'm not judging you, nor criticizing you. You made what you though was the best decision at the time. It's not working out the way you had hoped. It doesn't make you a failure; it doesn't make you a bad daughter. There are loads of people who have done exactly the same thing you did. The question before you now is what are you willing to do to rectify it?

You need to be pragmatic. There is no facility out there that is going to do the job of caring for mom like you would. It is virtually impossible for any facility to be able to do that because, where you have only one patient to which to devote your time, they have many. When mom calls for you, you can "jump" to her needs; in a facility, she will likely have to wait. They are going to do things differently than you. Different doesn't automatically mean "bad" or "neglectful". If you weren't happy with her first facility - and it sounds like there was good reason! - then start to look for another. You have an advantage that many people here don't, in that you have a professional link to use to be able to do some research. Start asking around. When you bring patients into hospitals, ask some of the staff what they hear about various facilities. If they don't want to answer outright, phrases such as "well, if you were going to place your parent in a facility, which one would you pick/not pick?" See if they'll give you general info such as "yeah, we get a lot of UTI's coming out of such-and-such" place. No names of patients that might violate HIPPA laws. Arm yourself with information, then go and check out some of the places that are recommended.

Your mom's needs are only going to increase, especially with ALZ. Keeping her at home with paid caregivers will give you some breathing room, but eventually you are either going to have to have 24/7 care at home or you're going to have to find someplace for her where she can be safe.

You're a good daughter and your mom is very lucky to have you on her side, even if she doesn't realize it. Good luck!!

Don't know why anyone would "judge" you! You were trying to rescue her from bad situation(s). Even if you and she had a good relationship, it would be more than most people could handle.

Nursing homes are not all bad. They are never like one's own home, but the conditions you describe are unforgivable and should probably be reported to the Health Dept. (or whoever is responsible in your state. Maybe the State Board of Nursing who usually inspects such institutions... at least in my state).

I am not Catholic, but in my experience, homes run by church or charitable organizations tend to be better. A patient doesn't always have to be affiliated with the organization to receive care. Also, there are independent organizations whose function is to help families find good care for their elders.

Be sure to visit, in person, any facility you consider. You have already noticed problematic areas in your mothers nursing home.
Good to visit at mealtime to see what help available for patients. You can observe the food, but don't be misled by some specially prepared diets such as pureed which look unappetizing but are needed by some residents. There should be a nurse near enough to assist at mealtime if needed.
When you enter the facility, does the place pass the "smell test". If common areas smell of urine or feces, beware. It's wise to take a knowledgeable person with you for an extra set of eyes (and nose).
Are residents who are out of bed, engaged in some activity (probably few will be, but watching TV is better than nothing). Based on your own experience, ask questions of anybody willing to talk to you. Make notes to yourself about what to ask.

God bless you for continuing to search out care for your mom, even though you are not especially close. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you who really cares!

My mom is sweet — and caring for her is breaking me. Even though I am currently doing it in her ALF! So please, if anyone suggests caring for a mean mom is your duty, ignore those posts. And don’t forget, a good nursing home can provide more care than a single person. Once she’s in a good place, you can visit. I agree with those who suggest reaching out to people you know to ask about their experience with area nursing homes. Or maybe a group home ALF if her needs could be met there.
Best if luck!

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this situation. Are you her DPoA? Does she have a diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment by a doctor? Do you know what her financial situation is?

Your question is how to go about finding another nursing home. I'm fond of using Nextdoor.com to solicit opinions and references from actual neighbors. But first you need to know what type of care she requires: AL, MC or LTC? Then you need to know if she'll need Medicaid, and if so you'll need to help her apply.

In the interim if she has the funds you can hire aids to come in to provide in-home help, or contact social services to do an in-home needs assessment for services.

In the midst of all this turmoil...please stop beating yourself up. It sounds as if you are getting beat up enough by your mother. The other advice given. here seems practical, reasonable, and doable. Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. It always helps me to make a list of each thing that has to be done; try to put it some kind of logical sequence, and then tackle each item. Narrowing my focus helps keep me from becoming overwhelmed. In other words...'eat the elephant one bite at a time.' Knowing you made a mistake in having her come to live with you. Kudos to you for trying to do it. You would have always questioned if you did enough. You did. You are wise to recognize it's not workable and move to correct it. Best of luck...and wishes for peace.

While I would always do the visit, and some basic internet searches as to complaints for any facility, a personal reference is golden.
Use your personal friend network.
Do a private friends only post on Facebook asking if anyone has had a close friend or family member in a local nursing home. Ask your hairdresser, your fellow church members, etc. That way you have an idea of places you want or even more importantly don't want.

Dont get sidetracked by the "shiny". Clean and well kept, yes a must. But older is OK. When you visit see how the staff interacts with the residents. Unfortunately especially right now a lot of turnover is happening, and they are often short staffed.

As far a logistically, try to get some respite caregivers in from an agency to get you relief, and give you time to get things sorted. If hospice is an option, use them. They've been great with my mom, who is in Memory Care. A Dr visit monthly, a nurse visit weekly, a social worker and chaplin visit every 2 weeks, and an aide every day comes to check her out and help her get dressed every weekday and also bathe. They would also be a great resource in getting her placed.

My mom's doctor had a social worker associated, so they may be able to help. I think that if you find a place you want they have staff to help you get paperwork and transfer done.

A final resort would also be to transport her to hospital, and then have them arrange placement, but I don't know how much choice you get in the matter at that point. But if it comes to that, you need to know where you don't want her to go, so you can advocate for her to be placed elsewhere.

Finally, give yourself a break. You ARE helping your mom. You got her out of a bad situation, and you are doing the best you can right now, and you realize that you can't meet all her needs. You are going to find the best place to meet her needs, and that is a blessing for her.

Also, remember, nothing has to be permanent. If it works for awhile, then you think it is time to make a change, you can do it then.

Now you see how your sister was feeling. Dementia is not something to be taken lightly or played with. Why do you think she was being neglected at the nursing home? The aids there don't like it when someone physically attacks them or gets violent and yells at them. You need to get her evaluated at a hospital for dementia and let them put her into a memory care facility or another trusted nursing home. I can say this with 100% certainty, that if you are having issues with her being unreasonable, then anyone else is going to have huge issues as well. Sit her down with the APC after you've had a doctor diagnose her with dementia and then go from there. If she doesn't have a power of attorney, then she needs one before the diagnosis of dementia. Not all people get violent when they have dementia, but when they do it can be extremely horrible. I wouldn't put up with any physical or violent abuse and would get her out of your house asap.

Now, if you have her taken to a doctor and he doesn't diagnose her with dementia, then it's time to lay down some ground rules and be ruthless with them. You tell her to keep her damn mouth shut, and you lay down whatever other rules you want her to follow. If she refuses, then you call the APC and let them know that you can't deal with her as she is being unreasonable.

Do not beat yourself up for not being able to do this. Your situation with your mother sounds impossible. Do the best you can to take care of her basic needs, even if it means hiring part time help. If you go through an agency, you can describe your mother's behavior so they can try to find a worker who can cope with difficult clients. Your mother also might be less abusive to on outside helper.

Research other placement options. When you find one that you believe will do a better job than the last one, you move your mother there. She does not have to agree. If she cannot take care of herself, she need to be in a care facility.

I am glad you see the terrible mistake you made - and especially for someone who treats you badly and lived in filth - NEVER, EVER. Now you must start applying to nursing homes until you find one who will accept her. Second reach out to Social Services and the Office on Aging in your county for immediate help - hire a caretaker in the meantime to relieve you of her destruction but do NOT tell her about the nursing home. To my dying day, I will never understand why people bring parents home with them when there was never any good relationship or their behaviors are so destructive. I would find a way to place them at once.