My mother was living with my sister in a filthy house with mold and animal feces. She fell and had a stroke. After being released from the hospital to a rehab/nursing. We had all agreed a nursing home was best. She agreed. After Awful care and neglect I got her out of nursing home and brought her into my house. I thought I could do it. We have never had a great relationship but I just couldn't have her being neglected (missing meds, dirty diapers all day, etc.)
I made a terrible mistake. She is verbally abusive and hateful, and down right MEAN!!!

I need to find another nursing home for her soon before I have a breakdown.
How do I go about doing this?
Who should I contact to do it or to help me? I honestly don't want to do anything else for her.
I am aware I put myself in this situation!! I was trying to do the right thing for her, but I am having panic attacks and don't want to be in my own home.
Please don't judge.
I'm reaching out for help of a mistake I made.

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I can relate to your situation. I too brought my mom to live with me bc it wasn’t safe for her to live in her home anymore. She was falling all the time, leaving the stove burners on, not bathing, had no way of getting groceries etc. I never imagined caring for her would be so life changing for me; let alone my family. I reached out to assisted living homes and talked to the coordinators there at length yet decided to bring her to my home. What was I thinking??? I remember one of the coordinators telling me how she applauds family members taking in their loved one but cautions them caregiving is hard and it doesn’t get easier. How true!! I would suggest contacting an assisted living facility. Talk to the person in charge. They are source of knowledge and full of resources to refer you to. Take care of you first.
mad a side note…no one judges you here. We have or are walking in your shoes. Hugs!!
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to InTheMiddle2

Unfortunately, regardless of what kind of a spin we put on it in our minds, when a elderly LO can no longer live independently and needs care, there are really only 3 options: LO lives at home and family does caregiving, LO lives at home with hired caregivers, or LO is placed in the appropriate facility. The rest is really just logistics.

From your profile: "I'm afraid I may be making this decision out of my need to rescue ie: EMS. But I'm also looking forward to bonding with my Mother and having no regrets when she passes." I think, in a nutshell, this is what drove you to make the decision to move mom back in with you. I don't doubt you when you say her care was not good; but what was it that drove you to move her in with you rather than find another facility? I'm not judging you, nor criticizing you. You made what you though was the best decision at the time. It's not working out the way you had hoped. It doesn't make you a failure; it doesn't make you a bad daughter. There are loads of people who have done exactly the same thing you did. The question before you now is what are you willing to do to rectify it?

You need to be pragmatic. There is no facility out there that is going to do the job of caring for mom like you would. It is virtually impossible for any facility to be able to do that because, where you have only one patient to which to devote your time, they have many. When mom calls for you, you can "jump" to her needs; in a facility, she will likely have to wait. They are going to do things differently than you. Different doesn't automatically mean "bad" or "neglectful". If you weren't happy with her first facility - and it sounds like there was good reason! - then start to look for another. You have an advantage that many people here don't, in that you have a professional link to use to be able to do some research. Start asking around. When you bring patients into hospitals, ask some of the staff what they hear about various facilities. If they don't want to answer outright, phrases such as "well, if you were going to place your parent in a facility, which one would you pick/not pick?" See if they'll give you general info such as "yeah, we get a lot of UTI's coming out of such-and-such" place. No names of patients that might violate HIPPA laws. Arm yourself with information, then go and check out some of the places that are recommended.

Your mom's needs are only going to increase, especially with ALZ. Keeping her at home with paid caregivers will give you some breathing room, but eventually you are either going to have to have 24/7 care at home or you're going to have to find someplace for her where she can be safe.

You're a good daughter and your mom is very lucky to have you on her side, even if she doesn't realize it. Good luck!!
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to notgoodenough
rovana Oct 25, 2021
Good advice. I think that there often is a gap between "common wisdom" on a subject and current reality. Things have gotten more complicated these days. Medical advances mean that many elders are living longer with chronic conditions that would have rather quickly killed them in the past. Think how relatively recent 911 services, ventilators, dialysis, etc. are. So caregiving may be much more demanding than in the past. And the days when there was a stay-at-home woman in the house to do the caring are passing. Everyone has to work in the paid marketplace.
Don't know why anyone would "judge" you! You were trying to rescue her from bad situation(s). Even if you and she had a good relationship, it would be more than most people could handle.

Nursing homes are not all bad. They are never like one's own home, but the conditions you describe are unforgivable and should probably be reported to the Health Dept. (or whoever is responsible in your state. Maybe the State Board of Nursing who usually inspects such institutions... at least in my state).

I am not Catholic, but in my experience, homes run by church or charitable organizations tend to be better. A patient doesn't always have to be affiliated with the organization to receive care. Also, there are independent organizations whose function is to help families find good care for their elders.

Be sure to visit, in person, any facility you consider. You have already noticed problematic areas in your mothers nursing home.
Good to visit at mealtime to see what help available for patients. You can observe the food, but don't be misled by some specially prepared diets such as pureed which look unappetizing but are needed by some residents. There should be a nurse near enough to assist at mealtime if needed.
When you enter the facility, does the place pass the "smell test". If common areas smell of urine or feces, beware. It's wise to take a knowledgeable person with you for an extra set of eyes (and nose).
Are residents who are out of bed, engaged in some activity (probably few will be, but watching TV is better than nothing). Based on your own experience, ask questions of anybody willing to talk to you. Make notes to yourself about what to ask.

God bless you for continuing to search out care for your mom, even though you are not especially close. She is very lucky to have a daughter like you who really cares!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to Dosmo13

My mom is sweet — and caring for her is breaking me. Even though I am currently doing it in her ALF! So please, if anyone suggests caring for a mean mom is your duty, ignore those posts. And don’t forget, a good nursing home can provide more care than a single person. Once she’s in a good place, you can visit. I agree with those who suggest reaching out to people you know to ask about their experience with area nursing homes. Or maybe a group home ALF if her needs could be met there.
Best if luck!
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to WendyElaine

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this situation. Are you her DPoA? Does she have a diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment by a doctor? Do you know what her financial situation is?

Your question is how to go about finding another nursing home. I'm fond of using to solicit opinions and references from actual neighbors. But first you need to know what type of care she requires: AL, MC or LTC? Then you need to know if she'll need Medicaid, and if so you'll need to help her apply.

In the interim if she has the funds you can hire aids to come in to provide in-home help, or contact social services to do an in-home needs assessment for services.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Geaton777

In the midst of all this turmoil...please stop beating yourself up. It sounds as if you are getting beat up enough by your mother. The other advice given. here seems practical, reasonable, and doable. Take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. It always helps me to make a list of each thing that has to be done; try to put it some kind of logical sequence, and then tackle each item. Narrowing my focus helps keep me from becoming overwhelmed. In other words...'eat the elephant one bite at a time.' Knowing you made a mistake in having her come to live with you. Kudos to you for trying to do it. You would have always questioned if you did enough. You did. You are wise to recognize it's not workable and move to correct it. Best of luck...and wishes for peace.
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Judycares

While I would always do the visit, and some basic internet searches as to complaints for any facility, a personal reference is golden.
Use your personal friend network.
Do a private friends only post on Facebook asking if anyone has had a close friend or family member in a local nursing home. Ask your hairdresser, your fellow church members, etc. That way you have an idea of places you want or even more importantly don't want.

Dont get sidetracked by the "shiny". Clean and well kept, yes a must. But older is OK. When you visit see how the staff interacts with the residents. Unfortunately especially right now a lot of turnover is happening, and they are often short staffed.

As far a logistically, try to get some respite caregivers in from an agency to get you relief, and give you time to get things sorted. If hospice is an option, use them. They've been great with my mom, who is in Memory Care. A Dr visit monthly, a nurse visit weekly, a social worker and chaplin visit every 2 weeks, and an aide every day comes to check her out and help her get dressed every weekday and also bathe. They would also be a great resource in getting her placed.

My mom's doctor had a social worker associated, so they may be able to help. I think that if you find a place you want they have staff to help you get paperwork and transfer done.

A final resort would also be to transport her to hospital, and then have them arrange placement, but I don't know how much choice you get in the matter at that point. But if it comes to that, you need to know where you don't want her to go, so you can advocate for her to be placed elsewhere.

Finally, give yourself a break. You ARE helping your mom. You got her out of a bad situation, and you are doing the best you can right now, and you realize that you can't meet all her needs. You are going to find the best place to meet her needs, and that is a blessing for her.

Also, remember, nothing has to be permanent. If it works for awhile, then you think it is time to make a change, you can do it then.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Gracie61

Do not beat yourself up for not being able to do this. Your situation with your mother sounds impossible. Do the best you can to take care of her basic needs, even if it means hiring part time help. If you go through an agency, you can describe your mother's behavior so they can try to find a worker who can cope with difficult clients. Your mother also might be less abusive to on outside helper.

Research other placement options. When you find one that you believe will do a better job than the last one, you move your mother there. She does not have to agree. If she cannot take care of herself, she need to be in a care facility.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to RedVanAnnie

I totally understand. Contact your local Aging Adults agency. They will be able to provide information & help you find an assisted living facility. Or if she’s on Medicare, they may provide information on where to find assistance.
I believe it will be the best thing getting your mom into an assisted living facility. No matter how much we may want to have our elderly parents live in our home, we are not trained to provide the appropriate care they need for whatever medical issues they have.
Also rest assured that you need to keep the role as a daughter, than caregiver.
My 90 year old mom has been living in my home with my husband and me now for 3 years. This year my health has depleted, I have more anxiety, depression , stress & getting severe migraines. In June I suffered a TIA( stroke ) I was hospitalized for 7 days. It was scary & an eye opener.
My mom has dementia & sundowners. When it gets dark, she becomes more aggressive, anxious & wanderers especially after midnight. There is no peaceful nights, I no longer have a sleep pattern. I take the night shift, as my husband works 5 am & needs to get some sleep. I had to stop working (for now) even when I changed my schedule to night shift. I worried that my mom would do something irrational, like call 911, throw things or break a window. Worried about my husband being home alone with her. I worried that I couldn’t protect my husband from having the police show up.
I have no siblings (my only brother-older than me-passed away in 2017 from complications of gallbladder surgery)
Will be starting the process of getting my mom into an assisted living facility within these next months.
Best of luck to you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to Jeweldavis

Whatever you do, appreciate yourself for having made the attempt to care for your mother. There are those who put their family members in a home and wash their hands of the situation. You are not like that! You have shown love and concern for your mother's welfare.

Do not tolerate bad behavior. She is a giant baby who needs to be reminded regularly that there are rules. While she may not be able to understand a lot of what you are saying or doing, she is capable of understanding the word "no!" Its ok to set limits. If you find you are losing your temper with her, leave the room until you can do things calmly. You may have to leave more than once. You may even have to leave her in a wet diaper for awhile. It won't kill her.

You can't care for someone else if you don't care for yourself. Jesus said, "love your neighbor," but added, "as yourself." You won't have the resources to care for her if you don't take care of you.

Nursing and care homes will do better if you visit a couple of times a week. Don't hesitate to request that certain needs be met. Be sure and commend the caretakers for what they do right; they are people, too and they have a tough job.

No place is going to measure up to the care you would give her but she's making it impossible for you to do it yourself. Make a list of your expectations and then evaluate how close the homes you investigate measure up to that list. You won't find any that get a hundred percent; they aren't family and even family can't do it all. But, there are many in that field who do care and are trying their best. Let them know you appreciate them, thank them, commend them, bake them some brownies now and then. Caretakers are not overpaid so give them a reason to take good care of your mother.

Part of your struggle is letting go. You aren't able to fix the things that have gone wrong in her brain. In your heart, you want her to be happy, healthy and ok. Her condition would have happened whether you were around or not. Its not your fault. Do your best and then let go of the guilt. You didn't make her the way she is. Its part of the aging process in this world we live in today.

See your doctor about those panic attacks. Panic attacks are dangerous. Also, limit your association with those who want to judge you. They aren't in your shoes. If they want to help, ask (don't demand) them to do specific things that will give them a sense of caring but not get in the way of your efforts to provide for your mom. Example: buy her some new nighties and slippers or have a special meal brought in from her (or your) favorite restaurant once or twice a month. Be sure you don't insist on them buying a brand or style you like. If its food, keep the focus on your mother, not you. This is their contribution to her care, not yours.

These are lessons I've learned over the past few years. I've been through this with my mother and my uncle. I hope sharing will help. I noticed a few good ideas in the postings here about places that may help you find the right resources.

Helpful Answer (3)
Reply to NAB1949

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