I am working on the guardianship process for my elderly father. Any words of encouragement are welcome.

You need to provide more details. I assume you father is incompetent. Do live you with him or nearby?

I just went through the process with my father. There were no customized provisions. I was awarded full guardianship and conservator over my dad. He is in a memory care unit. I have the authority to direct every aspect of his care and finances.

To keep my dad at home I would have to have created my own nursing home.  The money would have run out in a year.

I would think you’d have the same authority when you complete the process.

It is overwhelming. I’m dealing with selling the house and all the rest. Mom died back in April. Still dealing with bills and probate after her death.

We went through 3 rounds of hearings with mthr's cancer surgery between two and three. She was eventually found competent by the judge, and he & her court-appointed attorney had no problem with her assigning my hubby & me her DPOAs. We placed her in Memory Care and she's happily been there for years where they take much better care of her than a cycle of private nurses would. The home is owned by the manager who has a geriatric nursing degree. Mthr's case is well known and I feel confident that any care the doctor orders won't get by the manager if it's wrong - she's that strong a personality to block the doc!

I can't imagine forcing an elder into the isolation of living at home, even if he thinks he wants to (think kindergarten for a 4 year old). That would be so lonely, whereas even at this Memory Care, there are playgroups that the various hospices sponsor with a social worker to direct games on the weekends when the staff does not. It's really awesome to see mthr go from being an absolute recluse to enjoying silly things like Bingo that she said she'd never play. Ah, but her competitive nature gets to her and she has to win. Very cute.

My dad is THE most stubborn person I know and he wasn't like that growing up. He has dementia. His wife died 2-1/2 years ago. Her clothes are still in the closet, her hospital bed still in the living room. It's not a good situation but he is bound and determined to stay in his house. He would walk from assisted living but he's not ready for memory care. He absolutely does not want to move. We have care 4 days a week and I'm working on a fifth. What's strange about this is that when it comes to numbers, his mind is sharp. Odd how things work. But he gets very confused about other things that he shouldn't. He has not had a driver's license for over 6 months but continues to drive. I did an intervention, of sorts, a couple months ago to get his keys (he keeps them zipped in his pocket 24/7 - cars are in a locked garage separate from the house - I have no access). I wrestled him for the keys and he became violent and we had to call the police who took him to the hospital. Only came to find there were more keys than I knew about. Waiting for guardianship so i can legally take the cars. Disabling them won't work. I can't get to them anyway and he would find a way to fix them. The police are no help here and have warned me not to break into his garage and steal his cars. I know my dad - he would press charges. Stubborn, stubborn, old man.

One of the questions I have about the guardianship: I work full time and cannot get him to his doctor appointments. We rely on his home care for that or he takes a taxi (yes he can still get around). Will I still be able to do that after the guardianship goes through?

It sounds to me that your dad is borderline. Has he been give a slums test or other such mental exam? How did he do?

If he can still take a cab to a doctors office I can’t imagine a judge ruling him incompetent.

What exactly is going on here?

He is 92 years old. He has taken several tests including the SLUMS, given by geriatric psychiatrist. Did not do well. He does not make good decisions. He is very, very frugal (product of the depression?) Will not spend the money to take care of himself or eat properly. He has more money than he will need for the rest of his life. The money is not an issue. The decision making is. The cars. The hygiene. The concern of a 'friend' of his who is getting too close to the money. It's all out of our hands until the guardianship goes through. I have been pushed, and pushed, and PUSHED by many, many people involved with this - care manager, adult protective services, doctors, etc. - to apply for guardianship. I stalled as long as I could until he had a hospitalization a few months back and the hospital insisted. I'm the most involved in his care of anyone and I know him better than anyone else (I have 3 siblings but this is all on me) but I'm starting to panic at the amount of work this is going to be. I work full time and have my own family and am going to be a first time grandma this fall. Creating a balance between my husband and my dad the last 3-1/2 years when I got involved in this has been hard. My husband requires a certain amount of attention but dad generally eats that up. I really need a new care manager to manage this Monday through Friday. Unfortunately in my state, the law is with my dad. They are very generous to the person who needs the help. As it was worded to me, "as long as you can walk, talk, and breathe they will pretty much deny guardianship.". By putting the stipulation in the guardianship that allows him to stay in his house, we're hoping he will go for it so we can keep this out of court.

When I petitioned for guardianship and conservatorship of my mother last year, I talked with a financial officer at our bank, and he said that the bank offers a service of completing the required financial forms for the guardian and/or conservator so that you don't have to. (My attorney told me the same thing about the bank.) I don't know if it because we live in a rural area and the bank has "Farm Managers" who take care of the finances for farm owners who do not live in our state or if it is a service that other banks offer? You might want to contact your bank and ask if they can assist you in completing the required financial forms that a guardian/conservator has to complete annually.

I agree with you that you are fighting an uphill battle in regards to the guardianship. What did your attorney say about your dad being able to take a taxi to a doctor's appointment after you become your Dad's guardian?

Let's hope that the judge will "SEE" that your Dad has difficulties making safe decisions, such as not getting a driver's license and continuing to drive; that he needs caregivers but is unable to hire them himself; and that your Dad needs a guardian. Does he pay his own bills? Or do you or the caregivers write out the checks and pay your Dad's bills? If you pay his bills, that might help you show that your Dad does not know as much as he seems to know. Good Luck with the Guardianship petition.

Am I going to be able to manage the demands of guardianship while working full time? I absolutely cannot let this interfere with my job. Still trying to find a new case manager to run Monday-Friday.

As far as the paperwork, that's really been the least of my concerns. I'm a data analyst for a living - the queen ofvExcel spreadsheets!

My biggest concern is that It sounds like I'm going to have to be a bit of a bad a**. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to go up against my strong willed, stubborn father. What if he won't do what he's supposed to?

So you and Dad are going before a judge at the same hearing? That’s gotta be rough. My dad was represented by a guardian ad litem, an attorney appointed by the court, who had visited Dad in the assisted living. My case was easy. There was no question of my dads incompetence, no objections from any party.

I wish you the best of luck with this. As far as additional work, there are reports due, financial accountings and so forth, but it’s doable.  

Babs75, kudos to you for being willing to take responsibility for what needs to be done for your stubborn, at least somewhat lucid dad who nonetheless apparently needs much assistance. Do try to remember as you work through this process that his stubborness to you is his independence to himself and don't unnecessarily erode his independence over stuff that isn't imminently dangerous to himself or others. I think your situation is in some ways harder than mine was when I became my dad's guardian because, even though I was his full-time caregiver, his dementia was to the point that he had no idea what was happening. I had never heard of putting a condition into a guardianship, such as allowing him to stay in his house until xyz happens, but it's a great idea if it results in him and his attorney ad litem reducing or withdrawing opposition to your guardianship petition.

That said, your being a bit overwhelmed, panicked and concerned about whether you're going to be able to manage the demands of guardianship while working full-time is a legitimate problem. The responsibilities of being a guardian are serious and can be daunting, even more so for a ward who is stubborn and somewhat lucid. You mentioned responsibilities to your own family and the importance of your employment, thus your being always able and willing to make time, and to stay strong enough to follow through, for an already difficult guardianship will be even harder. You've provided quite a bit of detail about your and your dad's situation, but I'm still wondering about your three siblings who are less, or not at all, involved -- often such siblings become much more involved when they think their future inheritances are disappearing.

You asked for words of encouragement, but all I can offer is best wishes for what I think is going to be a hard job for you to do. You might want to consider having a professional guardian appointed, instead of yourself. Again, kudos to you for even considering taking on this difficult job. Best wishes.

Thank you! 2 of my 3 siblings live out of town. The third one is here but he's pretty much worthless. Doesn't even answer calls or texts about dad. Since we do have plenty of funds available, I am shopping for a new care manager to manage the Monday-Friday stuff and was told today that the caregiver company I'm using also has care managers for hire so I will be meeting with one next week. Us kids talked about a professional guardian but I understand they can cost a lot. There is quite a bit of money involved here and none of us want to turn the conservatorship over to someone else. It is my understanding that the courts here would probably not let us split the two functions. As a last resort, if this gets to be too much, I'll be back at my attorney to seek professional guardianship but right now, we're not going that route.

If you are appointed guardian you can select whomever you wish as your agent. Finding someone to cart dad off to the doc may be the easy part!

When we applied for emergency guardianship, hearing 1, there was no opppostion and adult protective svs was helping until I found a local atty. Then, after we left town, one of the financial abusers showed the judge a POA that no one knew about. This came up in hearing #2, as this former co-worker probably also had a will made for mthr at the same time as the poa- all made by her son's live in girlfriend (ethics red flag). Judge ordered full mental assessment, which found mthr marginal at best, but mtherr told shrink that she felt like the coworker was trying to pull something over on her. Yay! The judge was "friends" with that woman and wanted to protect her, and thus when we returned for hearing 3, he proposed dismissal and sealing the record, including the psych report. Mthr's court appointed atty supposed the judge's suggestion for her to write a dpoa that day so she would be protected. Likely the next day, she would have been found incompetent, but 3 attorneys concurred. So we have POA which gives us more flexibility in managing her finances. Ugh, so hard.

Babs75, too bad your state or country makes it difficult to split guardianship and conservatorship duties among two people, as that can be a good alternative, especially in cases where both jobs will require a lot of attention. Another alternative that can work is to have co-guardians/conservators. My wife and I and two daughters are co-guardians and conservators for our youngest daughter and that works well for us. And my wife and her sister were co-guardians and conservators for their aunt, which also worked pretty well. Some courts discourage, but ultimately do allow, co-guardians and conservators and maybe that could be an option for you. Regardless, since money is not a problem, your contingency plan to seek a professional guardian if it gets to be too much for you is good and shows that you've given this some serious thought. Best wishes.

Well, we are in the home stretch of this. Dad is totally against any kind of guardianship/conservatorship even though we tried to write a stipulation that says I can't move him nor can I sell his cars. He says he is not going to court nor will he accept the guardianship and will not do anything that I say. I have told him that I could have an outside guardian assigned (I'm really about at that point - I'm so burned out) but he will not honor that either. He only wants to work this out with me out of court which is not the point of this. He wants to keep on this road of destruction he has started and he wants to keep driving (no license for over 6 months and he's 92 years old!) The attorney and I are proceeding with the court thing and I put a bunch of notes together for him over the weekend for the hearing.

For me the key reasons for guardian conservator was to be able to keep Dad in care, end the driving, sell the car and house. I wouldn’t have bothered with the process if those issues weren’t dealt with.

Geez, Windy, u sure we dont have the same dad? 😊 At least today when he brought up the guardianship in front of our new care manager, I didnt get a flat 'no'. Maybe I'm making progress.

I think your dad is higher functioning than my dad. My dad had no idea what was going on even though he’d be visited by a lawyer, given mental tests by a doctor and served legal papers. He had no short term memory. It was quite clear to anyone that my dad could not begin to handle his affairs.

You path down this road is going to be tougher than what I went through I think.