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My frail 93 year old widowed mother lives alone in her hoarded house. The entire house is affected- curtains closed always, stuff (papers, etc) piled everywhere, plastic bags hanging from knobs all over the place, "goat paths," no where to prepare food or sit, expired food, sticky floors, house smells like urine... She cannot get upstairs to a bedroom or bathroom, so she sleeps on her filthy sofa and cannot bathe regularly. For years, I tried (without success) to convince her to move in with or move near one of her 4 adult children. I am one of three daughters and there is a brother, the oldest. The brother is the favorite- To illustrate: When brother suddenly hit my two year old son for whining, I was angry and my mom took my BROTHER'S side! But- back to the current issue- We girls tried to help clean and organize after our father died, and long story short- we were not able to touch a single thing. She became very angry over us trying to throw away some plastic packaging- nearly ten years later it is still an issue. The brother comes to visit from another state and "takes care of her" a couple weekends each month. The care does not involve cleaning or decluttering--the mess is worse every time I see it. He criticizes us for "trying to throw away all mama's stuff" - but we didn't.


Three years ago, my mother had a medical event and, because my brother lives out of state, she went to live at my sister's house to recover for about a month. She received round the clock care, nutritious food, and was given water to drink on a regular schedule, was taken to excellent doctors and received in-home physical therapy. (Mom had not been taking doctor's advice prior to this, but my sister made sure doctor's orders were being followed to a T.) My sister could not sustain this level of care (she works full time and was up several times each night to help with restroom needs), and that is when she told him it was not a sustainable situation and asked him to have a discussion with her about next steps- whatever that would be, but she could not provide 24/7 care indefinitely. It turned into a yelling argument (about stupid childhood stuff that had nothing to do with the current crisis) and he stopped talking to all of us- except to yell at me when I reached out to him. He has not spoken to any of us in almost 3 years now. I tried to reach out, esp during the holidays, but he did not respond. We sisters have since stopped all attempts to talk with her about her options to living alone and have not tried to clean or anything. Literally, I have touched nothing on the occasions I have visited since. I stand because there is no where to sit there.


I have since read extensively about hoarding disorder, and I now know better than to try to fix a hoarding situation when the person is unwilling to be helped. My brother does not see the situation as pathological. He said he would build a house for her and him to live in IF she would commit and put up money for the house. In the meantime, she is becoming more and more disabled. Her legs are in bandages from sores that won't heal. It is just insane. She won't allow anyone to come inside the house - not even to repair things, and there would be hell to pay if I told anyone (like a social worker or Adult Protective Services) about the inside of the house. She never accepts my offers to visit. She only calls me when she needs me to pick up meds for her. I am now estranged from my brother and won't be reaching out to him again in the future. Mom CANNOT take care of herself and shouldn't be living alone. My sisters are "over it" and are just letting it be. I am more conflicted. I tried so hard, so long, to help. Sometimes I feel like wishing mom and brother the best and walking away forever with no expectations of either of them. My counselor (for depression) says call APS. Mom would just say brother is "taking good care" of her- same thing she tells her doctors and that would be the end of that.

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You should call APS.

This does NOT mean that you are also not "letting it be".

You are placing responsibility for your mother's well- being, where it belongs-- on her and alerting the authorities to her vulnerable position.

What is the downside? That mom will be mad at you? So, she will figure out another way to get her meds.

Being able to have a a difference of opinion with your parent is one if the hallmarks of adulthood.

You KNOW she shouldn't be living like this. Make the call today and be done with it.
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DILKimba Jan 2021
Amen!!!!!
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Your therapist is correct. Please call APS and report the entire situation. After that, know that you’ve done all you could or should and let it go. I’m glad you’ve decided to leave brother alone, he’s abusive and doesn’t need to be around you or your child.
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Is your brother her durable PoA? If not, then as Barb suggested I would call APS. Take photos of her home for evidence. If she has a medical event make sure to let tell the hospital that she is an "unsafe discharge" and show pics of her house but do not take her into your home. The hospital social workers will get her placed. Without a DPoA, she will become a ward of the county and the county then calls all the shots for her medically and financially.

At 93 years old she should NOT be financing a home with anyone, like your brother. This may likely cause her to be disqualified from Medicaid. No monies or assets should be transferred at all! Medicaid look-back can be up to 5 years, like in my state, 2.5 years minimum in others. I totally understand your quandry...I took control of my MIL and stepFIL's affairs because I could see the trainwreck coming right at us. In your case I'd keep up the healthy boundaries and don't do more than calling APS and taking photos for evidence. Don't enable her by bringing her meds. It will be hard. It's hard already. Hang in there. I wish you peace in your heart.
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Lauren88 Dec 2020
I feel quite certain my brother is POA and in charge of everything. It is an odd situation and always has been with the two of them. He never married (or had a relationship that I know of), and my mom has felt sorry for him all his life. She pines over him and if he were not the oldest, you would think was the baby of the family. It is as if the umbilical cord were never cut, or maybe it is an enmeshed mother-son relationship, but he is certainly in control of her mind and I am sure all aspects of her finances. Either they mislead or they do do tell her doctors that she lives alone. Her doctor believed that my brother lived nearby, and I clarified that he lives out of state. Doctor was concerned that her bandage dressings were not being changed every three days as they should, and that is how it came up on the occasion that I took her to her scheduled doctor visit. Doc said she needs to be at her office for bandage changes twice a week or home healthcare needs to do it. Obviously, she won't allow home healthcare to come in, so it follows that she needs to go to the doctor twice a week. Problem is, we sisters work full time, and takes at least two of us to get her to the doctor. None of us can move her without help. So we cannot get her to the doctor twice a week, and neither can he because he is out of state and only home every two weeks at the most. (She tells us it is twice a month, but I think it is not quite that often.) With him being POA almost certainly, where do I stand when calling APS?
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Someone needs to be calling APS, and if not you, then who? They don't have to tell her who has called them, but really for her safety it must be done. Hoarding is a mental disorder, one that mom can't overcome without serious therapy. But realistically, at her age, she never will overcome it, so that's where you or one of your siblings have to step up, and say enough is enough. Mom is NOT safe in her home and you yourself say that she can't take care of herself, let alone her home, so drastic times, calls for drastic measures. Please quit worrying about what mom, or brother or anyone else might say, and do what's best for your mom TODAY, and call APS. Someone has to be the adult in this situation, and it looks like that someone is you. You can do this. Wishing you the very best.
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1) Step back enough to allow others to see what you see. Stop getting her medications. She will be forced to reach out.

2) If you are resistant to taking your therapist's advice to call APS, how do you work through that with the therapist? At some point, the therapist (as a mandated reporter) might be required to 'report' a vulnerable adult.

I understand you are conflicted. It is not helpful to your Mom, and not helpful to you.
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Lauren88 Dec 2020
Thank you
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Call adult protective services. Let them know you cannot deal with her and have tried for years, nor can other members of family. Let them know there is a brother waiting to "build a house" with her money. Let them know she should have state guardianship and placement. Then step away. There is nothing you can do for her. There honestly is nothing the State can do either but get her diagnosed, place her, and see to it she gets the medical care she needs. Some things cannot be fixed.
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Lauren88 Dec 2020
Thank you
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You say you are "quite certain" brother is POA. Why not ASK brother if he is? And ask him what he is doing about medical condition. And if he says "Nothing" then call APS and tell them of your conversation.
If you are unable to communicate with Brother because of history, the call APS and ask for WELLNESS CHECK, and tell them what you told us, all of it, including fact Bro is POA and you cannot communicate with him.
After that you have done what you can. Withdraw and get on with your own life.
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Lauren88 Dec 2020
Thank you-
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Go ahead & call APS, THEN wash your hands of the entire situation & let the Golden Child son take care of his momma & the hoard. We have another poster here who's mom was 96 (I believe) and living alone in a hoard; lots of health conditions, as your mother has, and she called APS. They determined the mother was of sound mind and therefore, ABLE to live in her hoarded home as she saw fit. There was nothing they could or would do, so the daughter had no other choice but to leave her mother alone in her home, to live and die on HER TERMS. Which is what happened; the mother had a stroke, fell, and wasn't found for a day and half I believe, and lasted about a week in the hospital before she passed.

The moral of the story is this: There is only SO much YOU can do here. Call APS. Let THEM tell YOU there's nothing THEY can or will do. That way, your conscience will be clear that you tried your best to help your mother, but your hands were tied. If she dies in there, it's on HER terms and that's her choice. Her right, in fact. You may feel badly about it, but in the end, you've allowed her to live HER life with dignity and grace.

I know this is a very tough situation for you. But you need to realize your own helplessness IN it. You can't 'do' a single thing to save a person from herself. You can't clean up a hoarder's home, they'll just hoard it back up again. You can't fix your broken brother, either, so washing your hands of his nonsense is best. Raising a hand to your daughter was the last straw. Wish him a nice life and move on.

Good luck & Godspeed, my friend. I sincerely hope you can find relief from your depression and realize this is YOUR life to live. Your mother has and had HER life and is doing with it as SHE sees fit. You have no control over that.
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Lauren88 Dec 2020
Thank you- there is a lot is wisdom in your words.
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ANYone can call APS, Lauren. The fact that there is a POA in play makes NO difference. The mailman can call APS (and they often do).

Calling APS gets mom on the official "radar" of the social services system. As another poster said, she may be deemed competetent to make her own bad decisions, in which case you can at least be assured that there is nothing else you can do.

I don't understand why you are hesistant to do so.
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By all means call APS!! Tell them everything you have told this forum. Emphasize the possible financial abuse that would result in her being ineligible for Medicaid. They can investigate this issue and perhaps give brother a clue what is coming his way. As it stands he probably thinks he can do as he likes, but now mom is on APS radar. As for the doctor: HIPPA prevents her/him from talking to anyone not authorized BUT you and your sisters can tell him the truth about mom's living situation. Up close and personal, with pictures. You don't need anyone's permission to GIVE information to the medical people. As for the hoarding: how about the issue of vermin, dangerous health conditions, fire hazard to neighbors? Call the Health Dept. Don't be afraid to act. If brother gets made, well GOOD. If mom gets angry, well who cares? Just part of the schtick. You and your sisters know something needs to be done, so by all means do it and pay hell if necessary. You've done what you can, so now stand back and let official others have at it. I think sooner or later they will. You cannot save anyone against their will.
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gdaughter Dec 2020
Not to mention the safety/fire issues on a local basis...so may get some help from local authorities. Recalling we had a mother/daughter in a 2 family home. One lived down, one up. Mom the elder hit the gas meter or something which stuck out on a narrow driveway and that resulted in the fire dept coming out and seeing the interior of dtr's apt which was a nightmare....Don't recall how it all resolved....but it was a mess.
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When calling APS, be sure to report the medical issue, unable to follow the doctor's advice re: Changing the bandages.
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"...there would be hell to pay if I told anyone (like a social worker or Adult Protective Services) about the inside of the house."

And what are you paying now? Is this heaven?

I can't really see what you've got to lose. I think your counsellor is right on the money. Pictures of the interior would be ideal, pictures of her legs might be helpful too, but in any case get on to APS with a factual, unemotional description of her living conditions, self-neglect and refusal of family support.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2020
Good point CM: Some 'heaven', eh?

With women like this, there is always 'hell to pay' when their secrets are divulged, and EVERYTHING is a deep dark secret. That's when the gaslighting comes out BIG time. The one who divulged the secret is the 'liar', so a convoluted story has to be made up about it, painting a picture of this 'liar' as the Bad Guy & how the mother is the Good Guy. The Golden Child son, in this case, is there to protect momma and all of her secrets, and to keep her hoarding stash safe from removal. They're in cahoots together, the two of them, against the rest of the world & the big bad sisters who are out to spill all their secrets.

"We're only as sick as the secrets we keep" is the old saw that always comes to mind when I think about all the secrets I've been told to keep on behalf of my mother, and the lies she's told when I'd divulge one to 'make her look bad'..........the worst mortal sin of them all.

To the OP: You're already paying hell here, what's the difference if you add a bit more to the pile?
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You don't call brother, but you might be able to write a letter. He'll probably read it, so write it. Put it away. Then rewrite it to make sure it says what you want. No drama, no accusations, nothing from the past relationship of you an him. Only about mom. Try to get pics of the wounds and plenty of the nastiness of the house.

In the letter address safety hazards of the house, filth, filth combined with wounds not healing and tell him you are willing to work with him to get her into a better, cleaner living situation. Where she sleeps in a clean bed, takes bathes, can cook and store food in a clean area. You know he wants better for mom the same as you do. Some kids just don't argue the point when mom/parent has your number and can guilt you. Or they just plain wear you down to wear the argument is not worth it. Perhaps he can find a way to work WITH you on this.

Without being accusatory, tell him the whole situation is a huge concern because if something happens to her in that mess and police or ems have to go in to help her, they are going to be seeking answers from all of you wanting to know why she was allowed to live in those conditions. It's very likely nothing would come of it because she has the right to live that way, but certainly would be a hard thing to deal with if they asked those questions because they found her dead in there. Guilt would be enormous and it would be too late to take any action.

If brother doesn't respond, then call aps and let them deal with mom. If they determine she knows she is living in filth and it is by choice, they won't do anything. However, their visit may prompt her to get things in better order out of pure embarrassment. Best of luck to you.
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Just call APS. And call again. If for no other reason it will put it on record that you made an effort to protect her. I had a similar situation except I’m an only child and the “favorite” was her so called friend. Unfortunately for my mother APS found her to be competent to make her own (very) bad decisions. I had to just let the situation alone. But I have that on record. After a medical crisis and decline I stepped in - and I managed to get her into safe care. APS may or may not intervene in your mother’s case, but you will have made an effort and it will be documented. And be prepared for your brother and mother to get angry. Let their anger roll off your back. Then you need to step back and take care of yourself first, knowing that you have done all you could to help.
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Call APS. This is a health and fire hazard from your description. It's too bad that house couldn't have been decluttered when she was with your sister. Mind you, every little thing should be combed through as valuables could be mixed in. I had a family member that wrapped paper money into kleenexes. I discovered savings bonds mixed in with what appeared ancient defunct bank statements. Now that she is home, I would just do it bits at a time and ask for forgiveness later. One way or another, it will fall onto the shoulders of the family to empty her house. One way one family hoarder managed to clean up some was to allow for a repair or carpet replacement. Maybe you could demonstrate the need to that eventually. But I would start now and stealthily. Buy a couple file boxes and a fire safe to place important paperwork and items in. Encourage mom to gift items to family members to enjoy the act of giving. Instruct loved ones to graciously accept, no matter what. But if nothing improves, you must act. I had a dear friend that was a hoarder, and her apartment caught fire and she was unable to escape. She had the presence of mind to go into the bathroom and place a wet towel over her face and wait out rescue in the tub. The fire got so hot it melted the eyeglasses she was wearing. She was rescued, but her lungs were forever compromised from the smoke and heat and she spent the rest of her days alternating between nursing home and hospital. She didn't have family, only friends, which I believe is a different dynamic. Feel free to use this information as a cautionary tale. My friend could have had a much better life if she could have existed her home.
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mysistershelper Jan 2021
My hoarding sister neither forgave nor forgot. Ten years ago, my nephew and I held an intervention for my now 86 year old sister. His wife took pictures of the piles, the steps, the mouse droppings, mold, etc. My sister is still very upset about it. Whenever she brings up the subject, I do my best to “change the channel” to something else. She is still a hoarder, but she lives in a studio apartment (all she can afford) and her “business & junk mail” comes to my address as her DPOA. I think the hoarding may be part of her vascular dementia which has worsened over the years.
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Anyone would report this. Not just APS, but CPS. Have police do a wellness visit and ask for help. I’m surprised your counselor as a mandated reporter has not stepped in. Stop researching why the house is on fire, it’s on fire start putting it out. You can address mental health issues later.
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I’ve been through this even called APS, nothing happened as they can’t get passed the front door. This is California tho.

Also, I’m guessing your brother stands to inherit the lions share being the favorite. Maybe everyone has different goals.
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MargaretMcKen Jan 2021
That is a horrible thought. If brother is her beneficiary, it's in his interests for her to die as soon as possible eg sepsis from the wounds. Worth adding this into the APS report.
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Call APS and be done with it. You've already cut ties with your brother and there is little chance, especially if he's "in charge", that he will do anything to change a situation that works perfectly well for him. Do not take your mother to the doctor for bandage changes - she can call a medical transport if it were truly important *to her*. Her health is hers and as long as she remains competent in the eyes of the state there is little you or your sisters can do for her. Let her deal with the consequences of the choices she has made i.e. to hitch her wagon to your momma's-boy brother. Your mother and your brother are enmeshed in a dysfunctional relationship and you should stay out of it because you cannot change either of them. When calling APS, ask for a mailing address where you can put your concerns in writing. Send the letter certified mail return receipt requested.
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Call APS. Adult children, have 2 primary concerns for their parents: safety and health. Your mother's situation is unsafe and unhealthy. Since she will not let family members address her situation, it is time to involve the authorities. They will most likely condemn your mother's home and she will have an involuntary hospital admission. Hopefully, you can get all the children onboard with mom moving to a residential care facility where she will be well cared for 24/7. Talk with social services when she has her hospital admission to help find her a placement in a facility near one of the adult children who is willing to visit her frequently and be her healthcare advocate.
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You can place an anonymous call to APS.
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Hand over responsibility to Bro, but also call APS and the city or county. Most likely the house will be declared unlivable and she will be given orders to clean up or move or they will do it for her. Stand back and stay out of the way. It is what it is, choices have been made and there are consequences. You’ve done what you can.
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Are you afraid of your mother? Just what can she do to you besides yell hateful things? Remember that childhood taunt about Sticks and Stones?

Your responsibility to any human is to what is most helpful to the health and safe for them. If she wasn’t your mother what would you recommend be done?

Do you have POA and/or Medial POA? If yes than you could discuss this with her dr, or ask if the office has a social worker who can advise you. You will have to do the heavy lifting here as they usually have limited power but might be able to point you in the right direction for advice.

Your mother has a legal right to live her life as she wishes but sounds like her home is becoming a health hazard for herself and her neighbors. Would you want to live next door to a rat infested property? You might contact the local health department and tell them as well as APS. Good luck.
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What a horrible situation. I have no sympathy for hoarders even though they say it is an illness - I don't believe that. This woman has medical and mental issues and no matter who is there, someone must take care of her in every way. The family here is not capable of doing that for various reasons. I would IMMEDIATELY GO AND SEEK HELP TO HAVE HER REMOVED FROM THE PREMISES AND PLACED INTO A FACILITY. She cannot stay in that home or with family who have other obligations. And the impact of what is happening is going to totally destroy YOU. Do not allow that. Get professional help at once and put her somewhere. A good eldercare attorney can work with you as to the process but you cannot wait.
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Lockett2166 Jan 2021
And as to your brother, walk away - he is not worth your time and relationship. Leave him in the dust.
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Don’t call your brother, just call APS. No sense giving him proof it was you, if you don’t want him to know. You can always imply it was someone else who called, a doctor maybe.

If you want him to know, by all means tell him. Then call APS. It’s absolutely your duty to watch out for the elderly, who can’t watch out for themselves. And your brother is an idiot. I think you’ll feel better knowing that you, at least, got more eyes on her situation.
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Do not try to contact brother, in any way. Do not try to talk mom into accepting help or counseling or anything else. Make the call to APS then step back knowing you have done what you can.

I don't understand why you have not done something already. If you can't contact APS, then contact her doctor, show doctor pictures of squalor mom is living in. APS will not divulge who reported or what was reported. Information that they collect is confidential.

Doc knows mom's sores and health condition. You might be able to fill in a few blanks. Doctor is a mandated reporter. If doc called APS it might be taken more seriously. But get going, do something and DO NOT BOTHER WITH ANYTHING THAT HASN'T WORKED BEFORE.
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rovana Jan 2021
Keep in mind that even if you are not on mom's HIPPA documents, you may GIVE information to medical providers. I would think doctor's opinion would carry more weight than a layman's when wounds are involved.
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If brother is so defensive of Mama and he's her favorite... then HE can take over. He can do all those things he says he'll do for her. Time for him to walk his talk.

Even if he doesn't, unfortunately he will always be her Golden Boy. There are a lot of daughters on here who have experienced the same. The mother feels the son can do no wrong and the daughter can't do anything right.

I'm voting you call APS. They will come out and no matter what your mom says about her son taking good care of her, they will see he indeed isn't.
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As above, if brother is her beneficiary, it's in his interests for her to die as soon as possible eg sepsis from the wounds. Worth adding this into the APS report.
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Before you call any government agency, is all of her paperwork in order? Does she have POAs for medical and financial matters? Does she have a will (if she has assets), does she have a living will that describes her medical wishes? And some banks and financial organiztions require their own POA forms. Does her Social Security file have you on their records to speak on her behalf? If she doesn't have this, and you call a government agency, they can make her a ward of the state and you will not be able to do anything on her behalf. Her situation sounds terrible, and a hoarder's house can be dangerous for her and for others. It must be very difficult for you to "live" with not being able to help. If your brother is the POA, then her well-being is not your direct responsibility. Hopefully you will be able to visit, and try to make the visits happy time for both of you. Good luck!
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I agree with everyone here who says call aps. States may have different rules about help they can give so I don't know if they will be helpful. No one seems to have said any thing about calling local inspectors like fire department, building inspectors, health department who may have the authority to condemn the house and force her to move out. I wouldn't tell anyone you took any action or called any place. There is something wrong with brother but nothing to do about him. Don't discuss it with sisters either. Act surprised at what happens. Building inspectors have some responsibility for the condition of houses once reported. It may be a faster avenue to pursue. Good luck! I think you will feel better do have done done something. You have already tried so hard to help and that has not worked.
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Imho, you should contact Adult Protective Services. Do not contact your brother. Your mother is living in squalor. You must take action now as your mother has a disease of the brain, e.g. hoarding is not normal as you already know. It will require the wherewithal of a professional in an attempt to get the out-of-control situation altered. As it stands now, it is a recipe for DISASTER OR A MEDICAL EMERGENCY. Prayers sent.
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Marig0ld Jan 2021
Thank you so much for not using initials for Adult Protective Services. When I read here I have to keep looking up all of these initials and finally give up reading.

I totally agree with your response. I ended up moving my mother in with me for 8 years, but I was retired and therefore did not have to go out of the home to work. I know that is does not sound like this would work for the lady in this question. My heart goes out to everyone involved.
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