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I only do what I feel able to do, but I know there was an expectation from mother/family and her friends/neighbours that I would just take it all on, however bad it gets. That's not going to be the case. I was widowed in my early fifties so they think it will 'give me something to do' (despite my job, home and living 150 miles away). I have actually had people tell me that they can find things for me to do to fill all the spare time I'll now have!! That cut like a knife. However it's the knowledge of their ignorant and/or uncaring assumptions that riles me more than some of the tasks! Anyone with me? Why do we do this to adult children? However, this site has saved me from making poor decisions about my future, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Yes, it was assumed that I'd give up the WHOLE of my life so that they didn't need to change a speck in theirs. Needless to say it has backfired on mother, because she refused to have ' the conversation' 15 years ago, when she could have done everything necessary to ensure a safe and comfortable transition into her 10th decade!! But no, she wouldn't hear of it, so here we are, awaiting the inevitable....
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Reply to SID2020
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Actually, I told my mother I was working full time when I wasn't, just to stop her from expecting me to be there for her 24/7.

My cousin in Staten Island would call mom and cluck her tongue that she was "put" in Memory Care Assisted Living with advanced dementia, CHF, incontinence and being wheelchair bound and 90% deaf with chronic vertigo and neuropathy. SHE was going to take mom to come live with her in her 3 story home in N.Y. and then life would be grand! Mom would tell me this daily, and I'd tell her to feel free to move in with Barb, when would she be coming to pick mom up? In Colorado. Snicker.

To all the rest of the Armchair Critics who knew better than I did about what mom needed, and dad before he passed away, I didn't take their calls. They did bubkus to help me, the only child, and their opinions were worthless to me.

If you "need something to do", you can go on vacation from all these busybodies trying to keep you occupied! 😊 Don't ever feel beholden to people who do nothing for your loved ones but only have ideas about what YOU need to do!
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SID2020 Jun 28, 2025
Thank you so much.
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People are trying to be helpful to me. Do they actually do anything that would help? Like take my car to be washed and for its annual inspection, or file the endless paperwork that goes with having a husband who is very ill, in and out of the hospital and rehab, in hospice, interacting with the VA and LTC insurance, needing to shut down his phone, getting him into two successive memory care units, running our household, etc. etc?

No, they invite me to neighborhood bunco games. "It'll make you feel better to get out," they say. After I've done paperwork all morning, visited husband at memory care, come home and done laundry, returned xxx phone calls and swept a snake out of the garage, I'm too tired to go out.

Bunco.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Remind these dear people that you have a job (that you need because you are a widow, a home to care (no husband to help) for and a life of your own. Your job takes up at least 10 hours of your day, you sleep 8. 150 miles takes about 2.5 hours, roundtrip is 5 hrs. You can't do that after work. Remind them, you too are considered a Senior. You can only do so much in a day. We do not need to live up to expectations of others. I try not to expect anything from anyone. It makes life easier. Do what you want and are able to do. Make sure Mom knows, if she eventually needs care passed your ability to do, she will need to go to an AL or whatever she can afford, because you must support yourself.
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SID2020 Jun 28, 2025
Thank you. The irony is that she is able to afford the best of care, enough for probably the next 14 years, but no, she wants it all for free, from me. Not going to happen.
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I’m glad you’ve found the ability to decide for yourself what you will and won’t do. As for the comments, we all have to tune out the ignorance of others. I could fill pages with the dumb things said to me about my role with our adult son with lifelong health issues and hypoxic brain injury. I often quietly remind myself of the saying “when you know better you do better” and often a comment or expectation comes from not knowing better. I’ve also learned that everything doesn’t need a reply or explanation, very freeing. And agreed, will not do the caregiving role to my adult children
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Assumptions? Expectations?
How are they working out for those holding them.
I never found that they worked out well at all.
So glad you have the strength and spine to ignore them.
As to why do WE do this to grown children?
I am 82. I would no more allow my children to hop onto my burning funeral pyre than the man in the moon. NO WAY I would allow them to waste their single lives on that.
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SID2020 Jun 28, 2025
Thank you
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My father used to tell me "I thought you needed something to do". Now I had a full time job and a part time. My own home, 2 kids in high school, houseful of pets and a husband. For additional aggravation I had an ex husband. I HAD PLENTY TO DO. All this besides dealing with his needs.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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The fact that you are retired means that you can do some of the things that you WANT to do WHEN you want to do them.
I think some people might say that they can find things for you to do because they are jealous that they are still running their life by the calendar and clock.
I have to say I am just as busy now as when I was working full time. It is a different busy but busy never the less.
Always remember "NO" is a complete sentence.
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JoAnn29 Jun 28, 2025
She has a job.
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