I am the only one helping my elderly widowed father.

As a widow myself, my advice tell him to go to: www.widownet.org

It's a participation website a widower started 25 years ago, after loosing his wife. It's a basic internet forum he can join, to communicate with others in the same sad situation of loss. Everyone is very supportive of each other. Lots of great discussions, advice and support. He would fit like a glove. The member age range is from 30s to 80s. Whoever has lost a spouse, or significant other is welcome to join "the club nobody ever wanted to join." All share their experiences and their own stories. I could have never made it without that website.

First I'm sorry for your loss. I am going through the same exact thing. My dad is old school and doesn't really "belive" in any kind of therapy. He's also not really one to go out, how ever he does still work. I like you am completely drained and my anxiety is horrible. I don't know what to do. I'm sorry I don't have a solution but it's comforting to know I'm not alone in dealing with this and that I am not crazy for feeling the way I feel.

Sounds like your Dad is very well educated with a lot of talent. Maybe he'd be interest in sharing some of that knowledge with folks. We have a very active senior citizen center in my township. Some of our instructors are non seniors (like our ballroom dance instructor and the I phone specialists) but many of them are our fellow members and seniors.

A few months ago a gentleman came into the center. He's retired and lost his wife of many years in 2023. He is still grieving and was at a loss. Neither he or his wife had ever participated in the activities of the senior center he thought he'd take a drive and see what it had to offer. The staff showed him the list of current activities and events and reminded him that he can get help with questions about his Medicare choices at the center (he didn't need help but was surprised it was offered locally). When the staff pointed out that they had and I phone specialist put were looking to get an Android specialist on board, he asked was kind of question did people need help with. He took a list of activities, thanked the staff and left. Two days later, he can back into the center and offered his services as the Android specialist. He comes in once a week and his sessions are booked solid. He started off really quiet... would come in, get the list of the people he was going to see and go and sit in his room. Now, he is coming in early, hanging with the staff and having tea. People who he has helped, stop in on his days at the center to chat or drop him some chocolate. He has signed up for a few of the activities at the center and is not quite so quiet and shy anymore. I think his re embracing life would make his wife very happy.
Since your Dad has learned to play the harmonica, maybe he could join (or start) a musical group somewhere. He's got knowledge and experience to pass on to current and future generations. Hope you can help him find the road to do just that.

I'm so glad he has a kind and loving daughter in his life but you need to give him a bit of room to learn to live now.
Wishing you both peace and tranquilly in this phase of your journey

I could have written this post myself. I finally feel like someone understand what I’ve been going through over the past 2 years

Does your father have internet or can he get online? Is it something he might be interested and that you could help him with when you are there? Perhaps he could start with an online grief group.

Alice, I married a widower. He'd lost his beloved wife, and she was very sick before she passed. He sat around the house, which centered around the living room where she died. His children had gone home to their families, and his friends were wonderful, but his wife had been the social one and the friends had other interests besides him. He thought his life was over. But then, in the midst of all that loneliness - he realized he had to take care of himself.

He went on a long trip to reconnect with many people he'd known long ago. It got him out of that gloomy house, and he was smiling again. I was one of those that he visited on his trip. We've been happily married for years.

Once you get out of the way, dad may find a path to other interests. He can't do that if you're always there and hovering and sympathizing. Your dad seems like a guy who has much to offer. He needs to find his own tribe, which he can do if you discourage him from latching onto you.

Good luck.

My mother-in-law was also the driver in my husband's family. She organized everything. When she died, my father-in-law also lost interest in everything because he didn't have any interests of his own. They went to the opera because of HER. They took vacations to the beach because of HER. They went on cruises because of HER. The only things FIL knew were going to work and being a family man. Unlike his wife, he didn't have any hobbies; she was his hobby. And when she got sick and died a few years later, he was lost.

Like you, my husband and I made an extra effort to keep him company every day. But unlike you, we only did so for about one month. Then, we resumed our normal lives. It was easier for us because my FIL was living in a senior community. And we knew he would be around people his own age many of whom were widowers too.

Maybe next time you go see your dad, tell him you want to meet at his project house. Keep that going. It's a start. You can't replace your mother but you can perhaps help him see that letting that go would be a big mistake both for him and for keeping alive the memory of your mother.

It's been a year. I think you can be honest with your father that it's been long enough for him to be sitting around doing nothing. Start living your life. Rather than go to his house, change things up. For example, invite him to lunch or dinner at your house just not every day. You can also take him with you to places like the library where they may have a senior book or current events club. You can help him come out of his shell by showing him what's available in his community. In other words, you can lead the horse to water but you can't make him drink. He needs to be thirsty.

I can relate to so much of what you have shared. My mom died 16 years ago and I am an only kid who has always had a strong connection with my parents. I helped my dad care for my mom during her 9-month journey with cancer. She was the social "catalyst" and the joiner in our family; she always had at least 2-3 committees or community projects she was involved with, out with her girlfriends for lunches, etc. Dad delighted in her and supported whatever her community projects needed (setting up events, kitchen duty, etc) but never initiated involvement in things like that on his own. It was enough for him to be included in things with Mom here or there. He also had some buddies he golfed with and played pool with. That felt like enough to him.

All of that started to change in the years after Mom died. They lived in a 55+ community, so sadly, some of Dad's closest buddies also started to die. He's had some depression and unresolved grief after Mom but never would take anything or talk with a professional about it. He started to have health issues, too. Then Dad moved from our home state of CA to VA to live near me about 6 years ago, and he repeatedly said he didn't want to "start over" with new friends, senior centers, etc here. I realized one day that he had brought his unhappiness with him, unfortunately, and that changed everything for me. I've offered many, many times for him to come with me to church or community things I'm involved with (yep, I'm my mama's daughter in that regard 🥰). My friends would love to drop by and visit with him, but he's rarely said yes to that. The main thing he says he's wanted is proximity to me, and he has that. I've learned to let that be enough and not try to make him into the person my mom was. We would be going out to lunch every week if she was here! I've kept on with my life, I hang out with him (we live 100 yards apart), and help him out. His health has been up and down the last six months; my caregiving has increased again and shifted as we are approaching the end.

I've chosen to give a lot of my time, energy, and love to caregiving in support of both of my parents for over 15 years now. I could have made other choices I suppose, but this is what's felt right for me. I agree wholeheartedly with what others have shared re the importance of also having your own life, dreams, goals, friendships, self-care practices, and interests along the way. There is no way I would still be as whole as I feel I am right now without all of that (plus my faith). We can love, honor and care for our parents and other loved ones without taking on the life work that is theirs to do. It's so hard to watch when that work doesn't happen or doesn't change things, but it is always always always a choice even if our loved one doesn't see it that way. Keeping a positive thought for you as you find the balance that feels right for you.

Great answers already by many others on the forum.
I can relate and these feelings are totally normal in this situation!

When your Mom was still alive and they were together, how often would you visit them? I suggest you try to get back to that frequency of visiting, so that way you get your life back somewhat to how it was. Then, to help him with loneliness, thinnk of some of the ideas others have suggested.

In this situation, when one elderly parent is still alive (and even more so with dementia), they are of course glad to have us visit as much as we can, and they are not going to say no . So its up to us to figure out our limits to visiting and then have other methods for the parent to get some socialization. Sometimes it just doesnt work and they will have some degree of loneliness despite everything.

As for feeling resentment as your sister is visiting less than you, thats a normal feeling. You would need to discuss with her whether she can visit more, but it may well be that for both of you to visit LESS is the best thing to do. Discuss it all out with her so you are both on the same page with the plan.

You are enabling him to remain in his grief by being there 5 days a week. Cut it down to 2 days a week and maybe take him out to lunch so he gets out of the house.

This is his problem to solve. When he tells you the loneliness of the house crushes him ask him What He Plans to do About it. Stop trying to fix things for him. He needs to learn to live on his own. Maybe it is time to downsize if he hates being home alone. Find a nice place in a 55+ community.

My father was super social but when he decided to go to AL he did not participate in anything they offered. That was his choice. I didn't become his entertainment as I had a job and life of my own that needed my attention. I visited every couple of weeks. He would have loved me coming there every day but that was just not possible. The more you continue to do for your father the less he will try and do for himself.

It will be a year. I understand we grieve in different ways but it maybe time to start backing away. You did good realizing that you needed your weekends for you. But don't u think ur partner deserves more of you? Start by including Friday in your weekend. Then Monday. Eventually down to lunch out during the week.

Call Office of Aging to see what is offered for Seniors. Is there a Senior center Dad can get involved with? My DH is 77 and golfs. Then spends some time with the guys at the bar. Our library puts on bus trips. Good way to meet others. You cannot take the place of your Mom. Seems like Dad realizes his problem since he saw a doctor. It will take him time. Include him in your life when u can. Call him the same time every day asking how his day is going. But do not disable him. Let him know you will not forget him. He needs to find a new life.

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Your dad may not be a "joiner" but perhaps there is some kind of volunteer work that might get him out of the house and give him some sense of purpose, as well as some structure to his days. (That is assuming he's physically and mentally capable of doing so.) Someone mentioned being a dog or cat foster; if he likes animals but doesn't want to commit to fostering, animal shelters are always looking for volunteers. If he's handy, organizations are looking for volunteers who can help elders or shut ins with repairs and small home maintenance chores. If he likes kids and is good with them, schools need volunteers that kids can read to. Soup kitchens need volunteers, as does Meals on Wheels. I know you said dad doesn't have any hobbies, but what kind of work did he do before retiring? What did he do before for recreation? What skills do you think he has?

Why guilt?

Guilt infers responsibility.
You didn't cause your mother's death and you can't fix it.
Therefore, guilt is entirely inappropriate to this situation.
Because words matter very much I encourage you to change out your G-words. The proper word is grief, and you and your Dad are both suffering from it.
There is nothing you can do about grief but walk into it and through it in your own way, trying always to celebrate the love and memories that are there and will never leave you.

Now that guilt is put to rest let's get rid of your feeling that suddenly you are your dad's parent, friend, reason for being, answer to life.
You aren't. You are his daughter and you have a life and you are also grieving and in need.
Worse, you are preventing your father's moving forward, if to move forward is in fact his choice.
Repeat those words: "HIS CHOICE".
As you continue to do what you are doing you will try to replace your mom with yourself. Wrong. You HAVE a life and a family and a job and THAT is your life.
You are clearly smart and loving, but you cannot be all things to all people and you cannot fill all gaps that yawn open in the world of those you love.
As you continue what you are doing you prevent your father moving forward, into and through his grief and on with the rest of his life.

It isn't up to you how your Dad spends his last years. It is up to your FATHER. He hasn't become a being with no thoughts, feelings, plans just because his wife is gone. But he may be ready, willing and waiting to go. Whichever is the case, speak with him on a ONCE A WEEK LUNCH about all this, about his hopes, plans, goals. And don't negate what he says. If he says "I am done, exhausted with life, just waiting to go, " then HONOR his TRUTH and tell him yours which MAY BE "Dad, I can understand that in this time of loss. And I won't ever be ready to lose you, so I hope you stay a while. Know that I love you and if I can help let me know how. " Then help him explore online support groups or support group in your area for those who are grieving.

You are an adult. If you need help now to work through all of this, then please get it, but don't compound your father's current grief by making him a dependent baby. That isn't what he is. And don't take on grief. Leave it for felons who do malice aforethought and take joy in the pain of others.

I know this sounds tough. But please think about some of the things I say. Your parents were very lucky. I am 81. I may soon be leaving my children. It would SHATTER ME to think that this is what they felt upon my exit. I would hope they would celebrate instead what has been a long and happy life, and would move on taking great joy in our world and seeing it for me through their own loving and happy eyes.

If your dad is healthy and mobile, what about helping him get set up as a dog or cat foster? Maybe adoption when he gets one that he feels was meant to be?

Animals need us and they bring so much love and company to our homes. I believe that they are truly a gift from God for mankind.

I’m sorry for the loss of your mother. My dad lived for over 10 years following the loss of my mom, a wife he loved very much. His grief was intense and it’s definitely hard to watch a dad suffer through it. One thing that was a big help to my dad was a low dose of Zoloft, his primary care doctor discussed this beautifully with him, saying it was natural to feel down with the aging process and the losses that he’d experienced. Dad called it his “attitude medicine” and knew it helped lighten his mood. Another thing, your dad will never move forward as long as you’re trying to fill his loneliness and avert his grief. You want the best for him, but that needs to include him learning a new life on his own. My dad got in touch with many people he hadn’t talked to in years, rekindling long dormant friendships, he volunteered at several places, and got more involved at church. Your dad needs to find a path forward and it can’t just be your life. I wish you well changing this dynamic

Have you considered him going to a Senior Day Care Center a couple of days a week?

I will say one thing that home caregivers don't seem to get. An elderly person needs to interact with people their own age, not only their children, as the many decades in between their ages also limits their emotional platform.

You have become his crutch, you are not allowing him to move on by being there all the time, if you would pull back and thereby push him into reaching out to other organizations, clubs whatever it would help,

Stop going everyday, research what is available in his area for Senior activities, print out the information lead him in that direction.

If you continue to do what you are doing he will not reach out to others, not my rules just how it works.

There is also the Independant Living option, he will be with people his own age, have activities to attend, share lunch with others and so much more.

You are developing a prison with invisible bars for the both of you, definitely not a healthy situation.

I wish you the best!

What you've been doing is perfectly normal, loving and well-meaning. But you can't want your Dad's "recovery" (from grief) more than he wants it himself, and this is what is draining you.

You aren't responsible for your Dad's happiness. You aren't his entertainment committee. The more you insert yourself the less he can do it himself, in his own timeline, in his own way.

Without telling him anything overtly, just start backing off spending time with him and having lunch with him one day at a time over a period of time (like weeks). You can keep suggesting ideas and resources to him, and keep assuring him that you love him and are there for him, but he's an adult man and should be doing self-care.

Your own partner and life have priority over your Dad's. This is the proper, healthy order and doesn't mean you don't love him. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom... may you receive peace in your heart as your family works through this hard loss.

Above all else know you are not alone on how your feeling , that the feelings your having are completely normal ,you are not an idiot . You are a caring loving daughter who wants the best for your father ,there is no shame in that . I am the sole caregiver for my widowed mother , I have become her only source of ,well ,everything it seems..it's overwhelming at times ,definitely . Overwhelming does not quite cover it though does it . Here is what I want you to realize . Everybody told me , my family ,my friends, people here ,they all said I need help, Its going to become to much , I can't do it alone forever . Of course I listened but I thought to myself ,it's my mom , I'm always going to take care of her . Wellhere I am , burning out , no backup help to speak of ,no way to undo anything I've done . So please please Do make sure you have extra help , someone to take your place , so you do get away because you don't realize how much you need to get away until you can't . The feelings of resentment , guilt , I personally just had to accept it's part of the job , and try not to dwell on it all , accept it's normal and ok . Look at it this way, if you didn't feel guilty or angry , what kind of loving care could you of been giving ? I hope that made sense , I hope you make time for yourself and hope you find peace. Take care and feel free to message me anytime , we can vent off one another 🙃

I understand. I'm youngest daughter caring for mom. My spouse is very supportive. I miss our time together. Most of the time I'm ok, but there are other times I'm frustrated and angry. Sibling helps a little. I'm trying to find small ways to have minutes for self and time with spouse. It's few. One day at a time. Easier said than done.
Hugs and blessings to you.

You are a caring daughter, which is a beautiful thing. But I do think you need to let go a bit. You cannot live your father's life for him. Unfortunately he needs to figure what he wants out his life on his own and you cannot fix that for him.

In a way you are doing him a disservice because he needs to learn to rely on himself more and he can't if you are there as much as you are.

It is difficult to care more about your father's life than he seems to right now. He is suffering from depression. I would suggest to him that an antidepressant might help him get through this period in his life.

I hope things get better for both of you.

Alice, how is your dad showing that he's hurting? Is he crying, acting listless, sad and disengaged from life?

If those are true, and if he's not eating well unless you're there, I would give his doctor a head's up. Send a letter outlining your concerns. If you aren't on Dad's medical paperwork as having access to his medical information, the doctor can give any information, but he can certainly receive information.

It's not unusual for a long time partner to grieve a loss for a year or more, but depression can be treated. Meds can lift his mood a bit so that he gets interested in living again.

A few points here.
You may be preventing both of you from going through a grieving process that you both need.
You are with him BY CHOICE Monday through Friday. Why?
Does he need care/help all day long?
You say you feel he relies on you to keep him company. Does he want someone with him all that time?
What are you doing for him Monday through Friday that he can not do himself?
Back off.
He does not need to "find ways to cope, distract himself" because you are doing that for him.
Let him find his way as a Widower. Can you contact a few of his friends and ask them to stop by for a visit?
What did he do for a living? There are places that need Volunteers or Mentors could he help out in any area?
There are Adult Day programs tell him they need "help" and he may find that he likes participating.
Starting in February cut back on your Daily visits. "Dad a meeting came up and I can't come by for lunch today." "Dad, I have a 3 day job so I won't be able to come by next week, are you going to be ok? Is there anything you need?"

Welcome, Alice. You're not an idiot.

You are a caring daughter.

I think you feel resentful because you are trying to live someone else's life for them. It's very hard to care more about someone than they care about themselves.

Yes your dad is alone now. He lost his life partner; it's now up to HIM, not your or your sister, to figure out how to proceed with his life.

People who become widows and widowers "move on" in different ways. Some grieve permanently and deeply. Some die soon after their loved one's death. Some remarry. Some adjust to being alone and get on with their lives, enjoying activities with friends.

You talk about "being alone" as though it's an illness. It's something that your dad is going to need to face and cope with. Or he's going to have to figure out how NOT to be alone.

You can't do this work for him. My advice is to go back to your normal routine. Have a lunch date once a week and GO OUT, even if it's just to the local fast food place. Being around other people will be good for you both.

Do your grief work as you see fit. Leave dad to do his. (((Hugs))).