Follow
Share

Hi all,


This is my first post. I’ve reached a point to where it would just be nice to hear others feel similar to the way I do... here’s a little back story:


My family has always been extremely close. We’re all best friends. My mom was diagnosed with cancer and she passed in 2017. It will be a year this October. When her illness began to decline and made it to where she could no longer work, my husband and I packed up and moved in with them. One, so we could “pay them rent” ie...help with the bills. And two, so that I could help out with taking care of her as best I could.


The care my mom required with the illness was unlike anything I could have ever prepared for. It was extreme and while it completely changed me as a person and was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, I would take care of her all over again, for every day for the rest of my life if given the chance. She was my person.


When she passed, my dad took it hard. She was only 56 and they had so much time to still share together. It’s been almost a year now and he is still grieving so very hard, which I completely understand. He relies a lot on my husband and my company. We invite him to go places with us a lot and though some days are harder than others, I feel like we have developed an okay rhythm of daily life between the 3 of us.


My issue is my own guilt. I learned from this experience that I am the “fixer” in the family, and honestly, some things I can’t fix. I can’t fix that he’s lonely because it’s not my responsibility to make anyone else happy except myself...and yet I still worry at the end of the day if I talked to my dad enough or if I’m spending too much time with him and not my husband. (Side note: hubby is the best person ever and totally supports all of this. Sometimes I wish he would get aggravated from time to time so all the decision weren’t on me!)


I guess my overall question is what do you do when you *know* what you’re supposed to do, but can’t carry it through? I *know* I’m not responsible for anyone and all I can do is be there and do my best, but what do you do to make yourself feel better when you still feel the guilt?


Thanks. ❤️

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
As a long time “fixer” I can rate and heartily 2nd the views of “linh” below.

You already know that you are not personally responsible for everyone’s happiness. Now the hard part is what to do next. And beware.... resentment is REAL and can be hard to ever recover from... kind of like you can’t unring a bell....
it is irritating for parents to allow themselves to settle into the role of being completely cared for by their children... not necessarily when they are ill, I mean for life’s fulfillment.
I too want to enjoy a great happy who.e relationship with my adult children, but I really do not want to be that person now or ever.
You have got to start inching back towards “normal” relationships with him. If you don’t take away but one thing, know this..... this has damage your marriage, even when you
have a stellar spouse and support. I know, we moved my FIL in with us two years ago and my life is unrecognizable and I RESENT him to pieces. I fear irreparable damage to my marriage and mostly want to go outside and scream at the top of my lungs....
best wishes, please take care of things before they get out of control
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I can totally relate! My situation is so similar but has been going on for much longer and I'm older. Please don't feel guilty, you are entitled to your own life and happiness. I tell myself this all the time and know how hard it is. My mom died in 2003 after 2 years of suffering with cancer. I was her main caregiver and she was "my person". My dad became more and more dependent on me after she passed. He did live by himself but relied on me a lot (for cleaning, meals, doctors appointments...). A little over 3 years ago my husband and I wanted to move to another state to be with our daughter who was expecting our first grandchild. I could not leave him so asked him to move in with us. At first it was okay. Now he is dependent on me solely for everything. He is 92 and going strong. He refuses to go to any senior activities or even take a walk to the neighbors for some companionship. I am "his person". I too have guilt because I can't stand living with him and feel stressed from the moment I wake up in the morning. My advice to you is to help your dad to find a place to live on his own. I wish I had moved my dad into a little assisted living community instead of in with me. Now it's too late and I can't move him from my home as I know he would feel abandoned by me. Another suggestion is to go to a care givers support group. I will be attending my first support group this month. You and your husband deserve a life of your own. I know you love your dad, as I do mine, but the longer the situation goes on the more resentment and guilt builds up. Not a healthy was to live.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

In a nut shell, take care of yourself first, yes even above the one you are caring for. If something happens to you, God forbids" where will He/She be then?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I think you should look ahead. Do you want him to live with you for the next 20 years? And then to develop the problems of ageing for the next 15 years, and still live with you? Do you want to feel guilty for every time you have an outing or take a holiday without him? Do you want to be his daughter, or his co-resident in a share house? Even his ‘best friend’?

You know that he needs to make his own life, but you are giving him enough of yours that he doesn’t really feel the need. Many of the suggestions for introducing him to new activities will still mean that you are there and he has no real need to take initiatives to join in.

This may seem unsympathetic, but in fact I am. I have also been in a situation where my life dissolved around me and I found it virtually impossible to find new interests. What it took for me to be able to do what your father needs to do, was to move somewhere different where there were lots of activities that it was easy to try, and really no alternative but to do something about myself. It was good to have support for this, rather than support to do nothing and be miserable. Frankly, I don’t think Bible readings would have helped.

Your mother needed you to be there. Your father doesn’t need you to live with him, and it isn’t good for him or for you or for your marriage. Stop!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

So he is willing to take your life because he doesn't want to move out of his comfort zone. That is so narsisitic. I am not trying to be unkind but 59 is actually quite young. He needs to stop being selfish and self-centered, he lost his wife and that is devastating, however, it is not a free pass to consume your life, sorry.

You and hubby need to set a time frame when you are going to move out and have your lives. Dad will need to figure out how to live his new reality. He cannot ask you to give up everything, it is unfair. You can not enable his neediness and fix him, he must be the one to find his path from here on out. You are his daughter, not his woman.

Im sorry if I have offended you, not my intention. You are just too young to be asked to give up your life for his, I'm sure your mom would agree.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
sidelined Sep 2018
Amen to everything you said.... add “soul sucking”to this list
(0)
Report
I have no words of advice, but feel for your situation. I do have a question. You mention thatyour dad is 59/60 and hasn'tworked in 20 years. Not to pry, but is he independently wealthy? Or diasabled in some way that prevented him from working? If he's disabled, physically or mentally/emotionally, it makes a big difference in what can be expected of him and what options there may be for him. It sounds as though he and you mother must have had a somewhat strange existence before she passed away. What kinds of things did they do together? Is he handy or able to do chores to help you out? If you give him a list of things you'd like him to do while you're gone, would he be able to do them? My dad learned to cok after he retired because he was some years older than my mom who was still working. (He thought it was unfair to expect her to cook aftr beoing at work all day.) If your father's capable, and you and your husband are interested in having one, a dog isn't a bad idea. Your father would have to get out of the house to walk it, possibly go to a dog park, and dogs are great conversational ice breakers if they are cute, friendly and well-behaved. Not to mention a dog would be company, and dogs are very accepting
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Ps... God bless you for all you do .... you seem to have a very compassionate heart and we need more like you out in This world...

you are an amazing daughter and family memeber never feel guilty for wanting and taking time for yourself...

you must learn to set boundaries for you or your sanity and health will deplete ... then what?? Who takes care of you!

prayers for wisdom , inner peace and continued strength....
❤️🙏🏻
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Women were feel guilty over everything. It is as natural to us as eating or breathing. That said, lol, I believe the only thing you can do each day is say, Thank You Lord for this day and please show me what I need to do today. Now, what you do is your best an that is all anyone can do. Now, Quit thinking about yourself and love your husband! Feeling guilty would take away from the time you share with him! My mom is 94 and has Dementia. She has lived with my husband and I for 4 years now. I am the 24/7 caregiver. I’m 69 years old. It isn’t easy I know, but I’m so proud of you to do The Right thing. I feel the same as you a lot, but am actively working on loving my husband for being such a great support!!! That really helps take the guilt away from me!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Prayer works well .. if you believe in Jesus and all He canndo for you ....
If not meditation & stretching always helps ease the mind & body of stress... oh and also a good relax tea like lavender / chamomile....

holistic is always best ...
be well & I will pray for you ...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I used to be Riverdale but the site would not work with a different password since I forgot my old one and tried to reply on my computer instead of my phone. If anyone knows how to contact the site i would appreciate knowing that. I tried but they kept giving me my previous password which would not work nor would they allow me to enter a new one. First of all let me say how very sorry I am for the terribly premature loss of your mother. You sound so level headed that perhaps there are not enough answers for you. We all ( or most ) struggle with guilt. We can't change the past and can only do our best to help with the future. I know I have better times and worse ones. My mother is nearly 88. She is in AL. I don't have nearly the burden of so many others on this site but I still do deal with alot of issues and feel that I have tried for decades to help her needlessly. I think you just need to continue the path you are taking. You are very fortunate to have a supportive spouse. Sometimes we just have to focus on positive aspects and know that the fact we feel guilt means we have a soul. I don't mean to say that those who don't feel guilt are without one but individuals process emotions differently. If your angst continues I would suggest therapy if you have not tried that. I hope you have some brighter days ahead.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Your story is a mirror image of mine with the loss of my mom in 2017 a year and a half ago. Watching the depression and health decline of my dad has been such a struggle and although we did not move in with him, I am there routinely and luckily only live a few miles away. I struggle with the guilt too and do what I can to remind myself that I can only control what I can control. Counseling has helped me and I have found meditation helpful as well with a constant reminder that may be helpful to you....every bit of what you are doing is above and beyond the norm....take pride in that....breath each day in....breath in and out and know you are extraordinary. Your mom is smiling on you and the appreciation is eternal.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

May I answer truthfully?
What a blessing you are to help like this! I am sure you are told that often and if not you should hear that often. To be honest you're pretty much answered your own questions but I'm going to give you a little bit more advise coming to this forum is a great way to get a few things off of your chest but I'm also going to suggest but you find yourself a good talk therapist and spend a little time with them. I understand you need reassurance please try to remember you are only one person and as much as we like to split ourselves in to Clones so we can complete more in a day it isn't feasible you are beautifully and wonderfully made and a blessing to your family just remember that and also remember to take time for yourself it'll be the best thing you'll ever do I know it's hard sometimes to do without feeling guilty but in order to take care of others he must also take care of yourself godspeed my friend
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. That has to be so very difficult. It's quite likely that you and your dad are still grieving and that is perhaps causing you all kinds of feelings. It may take some time for you to really go through that process. I'm no expert, but, I might read about how that works and perhaps talk to a counselor or support group. Professionals can often give mental exercises that help us train our brain to start adapting to new patterns. Sites like this help too. There are great people here, who have gone through similar experiences.

Sometimes, we just feel things, because we do, but, other times, it may due to having unreasonable expectations of ourselves. One exercise that I have done is list things that are reasonable and see if that is what I am doing and if so, then, things are good. Doing the right things that are reasonable should not bring guilt. If they do, then, I'd discuss it with someone. Since, someone telling you that you shouldn't feel that way, may or may not help you.

Also, I'd consider if your dad wants you to feel guilty. He would likely want you to be happy and living your life and not feeling bad over him. I might share your feelings with your DH and let him know that things are temporary and that it will return to you being with him more. If he knows that, it might make him feel better. It sounds like you have such a wonderful family. I hope you feel better soon.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Hello-
So much weight on your young shoulders. You are not alone. I’m 55, my husband is 67 and my 80 year old mother lives with us. She has cancer and limited time.
Have you talked to your dad about this situation? In his depression he may not even noticed what all this is doing to you as well. After all, you lost your mother just as he’s lost a wife.
Sometimes a little reminder that the world outside is still there. Asking important adult questions may be helpful. It’s information that you absolutely need and it may make him realize he needs to move forward. If he gets upset and won’t discuss it (right now- you can come back another time) he will at least see that he needs to pay attention.
Is his doctor aware of his depression? Ask to see the doctor with him. He may need some meds to help him through the next few months.
Ask him about plans for the next year. What does he want? Tell him that at 26, you and your husband are just at the beginning of a marriage and want to have a goal as a couple. He is welcome to share it, but he’s too young for you to make decisions for him and he needs to participate in his future.
Questions like these may upset him, but it may be the only way to bring him back to focus. You’re going to feel guilty no matter what anyone says to you (you shouldn’t, but it’s hard when you’re the caregiver). Try to lessen the guilt by giving back responsibility to your dad.
Be well.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Does your Dad still work? Does he belong to a church or other group? Does he have friends or people he shares hobbies with whom you could encourage to invite him out? If he continues to be dependent on you this will affect his functioning so much. Has he ever gone to a bereavement support group? If you can help him get more involved with others it will lighten things for you.

Can he afford to return to living separately? Is he in good physical health? Maybe start by taking a vacation with your husband. If necessary, arrange for him to stay with another family member for a while. I am dealing with a somewhat similar situation (the family member is much older and with a level of neediness that has become pathological) and I know how important it is to find ways to preserve yourself from guilt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

your Dad is way too young to be acting this old. I am 62 and I am taking care of my 91 year old mother. This is the way he was long before your mother passed away. He is grieving. Try to find a grief share group at a church that he could go to and find others going through the same experience.
he is depending on you to make his life have purpose and while you can help, you cant be everything to him.
practical tips:
get a puzzle and start working on it with him so he can continue working on it when you are gone.
if you think he would like a pet, get him a dog or cat for some company.
take a walk around the block with him after dinner. The fresh air and exercise will do you both good.
invite some other people over for popcorn and some games.
see if he will let you read a little from the Bible to him each day. The book of Psalms in the Bible is full of comforting words. That’s where I got the idea for my screen name: joy in the Lord from the book of Nehemiah which says,”the joy of the Lord is your strength”. That’s my secret of how I do it. I find my strength to do what I do from God. That’s where your dad will find his purpose in life and that is as it should be.
take time for yourself. A lot of people know the part in the Bible about loving our neighbor, but sometimes we caregivers forget the verse in it’s context. We are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. We must love ourselves and take care of us first, so we will be able to care for others.
you should love and treasure your dad, but he is way too young to need a caretaker, that may be a need in the future, but not now. You will help him more to find purpose in life that is bigger than his four walls.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wow, you're 26 , so sorry for the loss of your mom, I am 51 caring for 91 year old mom with dementia . She watched my ķids after dad passed, we moved in with her when she asked us too. Now my kids watch her. Would your dad like a dog or cat? Maybe a companion would help him feel useful.
If you are looking to start a family, that would be a good reason for him to be more independent or maybe he would help you. (Not trying to be pushy, it's your life, lol)
Grief support may help too,he may be depressed. Good luck, and get away by yourselves! Remember YOU are still grieving, you need time for healing and for your relationship with hubby. Take a vacation.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Does your Dad belong to a church? They have clubs and activities and volunteer opportunities in manageable doses. You might have to drag him along with you a few times. But you and your husband might meet some people you like too.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Please, don't give up your freedom for him. You will only enable him. Take vacations without him. Don't feel guilty going out to dinner with other couples. Keep involved with friends and things you like to do. If you do, it will be very hard getting in touch with someone later. Dad has to do for himself. You can't be everything to or for him. That was Moms job and she is gone.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

My Dad went on SSD at 53. Other than a garden in the Summer, Dad had no hobbies. He just sat around the house and allowed Mom to wait on him hand and foot. So I see where you are coming from.

I am not an entertainer. I do not enjoy trying to keep someone busy. I always told my Gsons, Mom Mom bakes she doesn't play. That PopPops job.

When couples make each other their whole life, grieving is hard. Which is what you parents seem to have done. I really have no idea how your going to get Dad interested in things he has never done. And really, that isn't your responsibility and don't feel guilty. Call your Office of Aging. Ask what kind of programs there maybe for Dad.

Sit down and tell Dad he needs to get involved in something. 60 is not old and he has many years ahead of him. Maybe a grief group. Churches usually have them. He could make friends there. Get a catalog from the local Jr. College and see if there are any classes he may be interested in. See if the High School has night school. If he likes animals, volunteer at a shelter. My GFs father volunteered for the red cross running blood to different hospitals. Walk someones dog. Tell him he has to do something for him. You can't do it.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

He is too young for senior center activities. What about a job volunteering somewhere? What interests does he have? You may have to go with him until he feels welcome. Try to help him find something that will make him feel useful and needed.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Guilt?? Dear young lady - you have nothing to feel guilty about. You have willingly, lovingly, sacrificed your time and emotions for your parents - and you know in your heart, that it's time to take care of you. You have a husband and he loves you dearly. Your Dad needs you too, but he is not to be your first concern any more. I am just a few years older than he is and I know that he will, given time, move on with his life. Distance yourself. Not just for your sake, but for his. He has become emotionally dependent on you. Does he have any hobbies - or old friends he could spend time with? Encourage it. Does he have any friends you would feel comfortable talking to and sharing with?

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. It's obvious you loved her dearly. God bless you and help you find the strength to let go.... and get on with living.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

Mom was only 56, so young, I am sorry for your loss.

Tell us more about dad. How old is he? Does he have any medical issues? Does he still work?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Cici733 Sep 2018
Thank you. My dad is 59. He doesn’t work, and hasn’t for about 20 years. He is very much against starting anything new, and he’s sort of decided he’s now and old man and life is over. I wish he were the type that was open to different clubs, social gatherings, etc, but my parents were always the type that didn’t have many friends. Casual hello’s to the neighbors, but that’s about it. They spent all their time together and now I feel like he has nothing to keep him busy during the day and waits anxiously for us to get home from work. And when we do, I hate that we’re not as equally excited to see him. We’re tired. I’m 26 and my husband 31, so needless to say this isn’t how I envisioned my life at this age. I wish my dad would get a PT job or something like that. Not only for the gain of seeing other people that aren’t us, but also so that he could feel more purpose. I’ve tried explaining this and hinting that it could be fun, but he is very prideful towards the idea of starting up again at almost 60.
(3)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter