My sister is in charge of all her finances and refuses to get me some help with caring for my mother. What do I do?

Tell your sister, I am willing to do X, Y and Z and no more.   Mom needs more help than that, and I will call APS if more help is not provided, and state will take over
Helpful Answer (22)
Reply to FloridaDD
Chellyfla Jul 28, 2020
Just remember that the state is not always good at investigating financial exploitation and stay on the investigator and learn at the beginning who her supervisor is. Keep written records of everything that happens.
Dear SOs208. You are in a tough spot. Your older? sister has the POA. You state you are the youngest son, what about your sibs? You need to make clear to entire family, close by, near or far that you cannot do this and they all together need to make plans for mom’s care. Make clear in your letter exactly what you are capable of doing. I might point out that you are 62 and not totally a spring chicken! Make no suggestions, let them do the figuring out, give them a suitable time, week or two, and then “leave” on your business trip. If youaren’t There, Sis will have to either get help in or do it herself. I know this sounds ruthless but she and sibs are using you. Be strong, good luck.
Helpful Answer (14)
Reply to BarbChicago

I am not an attorney but if I were you I would seek an attorney for yourself. If you are the sole care provider for your mother and your sibling is POA and handling all the financials for your parent but refuses to give you relief - TIME TO LAWYER UP! Nothing personal only business...
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Thisis4mlm

Do you live with Mom? Call up sister & explain you cannot do everything 24/7. You need help & since sister controls her $$$ she has to hire caregiver. I think it’s time for SNF, or if she’s still mobile, ALF. Don’t spend all your time arguing with sister if she refuses. You can get nursing assessment to bring to facility admissions office. Then tell them sis is poa. Perhaps they can work with you with the Social Worker & Medicaid office. Sister has to spend mother’s $$$ on her care ...& since you are the only one doing care, you seem to be responsible one! She can’t just ignore mom!!! Also see Elder law Atty. Last resort is send mom to ER & have them place her. Tell them you have bad back or have health problems yourself & cannot care for her. All the administrative stuff can be worked out later. Hugs 🤗
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to CaregiverL
disgustedtoo Jul 27, 2020
ER dump is the wrong answer. Depending on mom's capabilities, they could legitimately send her home in a taxi! Others have commented about this.

OP probably doesn't have authority to ask mom's doc about anything medical, but she CAN report to them and ask for their assistance. Perhaps they can provide someone who can help (APS? SW?)
Thank you all so much. I live across the street from mom. Sister knows that and has the attitude that I am there. There is very bad blood between her and my mother. Ill try and answer all your questions here.
1. I am EXTREMELY motivated to change this situation.
2. Mom does have enough money to pay for care.
3.Sister is refusing to pay for help. I am self employed and finding it super difficult to keep my business afloat due to her constant need.
4. I am there 25/7 doingALL the care she needs. Bathing, changing urine bag, meals, changing her, cleaning up after her companion doc Scotty. Thank God for him! sister convinced mom to put her house in her name to avoid a nursing home attaching it if she needs a facility6. There is absolutely no communicating with my sister.
7. sister will not spend moms money because it will cut into her inheritance.
8. I can not afford an attorney to help.
I have begged mom to change the POA to me.. she is 95 and extremely afraid of change. My heart hurts for her because she is totally dependent on me or someone for her care. I am moms youngest son and I see tears fill her eyes when I’m the one that has to wash her and take her to the bathroom.. this is an awful but way to common issue I suppose. I am trying to convince mom to change her POA , But I don’t want it to be under pressure. It’s just gotten so out of hand and I feel like my hands are so tied. I am burned out beyond measure and mom sits and cries. I am 62 and feel I should know how to take the bull by the horns and fix this.I’m trying very hard to leave the bull alone and not choke out my sister..lolol
if I get mom to change this.. do I need an attorney or just a notary ?
Thanks so much for all your help. It’s great to just talk things out with people who may have been in the same situation.
Best to you all! Rob
Helpful Answer (7)
Reply to Sos208
BarbBrooklyn Jul 26, 2020
JUST STOP helping.

Putting mom's house in Sis's name was a big mistake. Your sister must be kind of dim not to know this.

In your shoes, I would simply refuse to help any longer. Your sister has POA; this is HER responsibility to get mom's care sorted, not yours.
See 2 more replies
Is your mother competent to hire and pay for her own care needs? Unless, she has dementia or is not able to manage her own affairs, with help, of course, then, the POA has no authority to act on her behalf, UNLESS she tells her to. If mother is incompetent, I'd consult with an attorney about the options of filing for Guardianship or having you appointed POA, if mom is still competent to to do it. When someone is of advanced age, changes like that are suspect. It might also help to obtain an assessment of what mom's needs are, so, the costs are justified on paper.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to Sunnygirl1
JoAnn29 Jul 24, 2020
POA is assigned. If her Mom has Dementia she cannot assign her.
See 2 more replies
Your mom is afraid of change but doesn't care if you are overwhelmed with her care? Time for mom to deal and change the POA if she is able. You take her to a lawyer and tell them you want to revoke the old POA and set up a new one.
Helpful Answer (6)
Reply to lkdrymom
kbuser Jul 28, 2020
That is exactly what I did when I became mom's full-time caregiver, but my brother had POA for medical and financial. Mom still insisted on having my brother medical POA, even though he never visited or would dream of taking her to a doctor appt, but did switch me to financial POA. It made life infinitely easier. I was able to switch her Medicare to something that had more coverage and was cheaper, I could deal with her house and car insurance, had access to her annuity to manage that. If you make that huge commitment to caregive, the recipient needs to respect that and give you the tools to do it.
If Mom is competent, she can revoke ur sister's POA and assign you. No one should be a Caregiver without being the POA for the reasons you have listed. Your sister is probably trying to save her inheritance. If you don't live with Mom it will be easier to stand your ground. Even if you live with her, you need to tell sister you need help or start looking for LTC or AL for Mom.
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to JoAnn29

I think this is the page you need:

It's the website for Montgomery County's Area Agency on Aging, which is a good portal for advice and information on all kinds of issues. You should be able to find a contact number for someone who can really help get you started.

Your mother is entitled to support. It is not appropriate for her adult son to be assisting her with personal care; and in any case it is not reasonable for you to be her primary caregiver when she has funds to support independent living at home.

There is no need to go in with all guns blazing and level accusations of exploitation verging on financial abuse at your sister - these would be difficult to pursue, and stressful for your mother, and besides what you want is help for your mother, rather than punishment of your sister.

But with POA your sister has accepted certain responsibilities towards your mother and, very clearly, she is not fulfilling them. The people at AAA will be able to reassure your mother and explain to her what her proper expectations should be. They will also be able to direct you and her to the right kind of services, and if your mother chooses to access these your sister will have no authority to refuse to pay for them.

Anyway - give them a call and ask for advice. You might find it helpful to jot down a few notes first, such as your mother's age, any known health difficulties, and what sort of things she needs help with.

Regarding the POA: you say there is "very bad blood" between your sister and your mother. What do you mean? It makes it harder to understand how your mother came to give your sister Power of Attorney for her; when did your mother create this document, and what were the circumstances?
Helpful Answer (5)
Reply to Countrymouse

Petition Probate Court to become her Guardian.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to LCPELC
Pasa18 Jul 26, 2020
Ultimately if all other means are exhausted or mom is not competent.
See 2 more replies
See All Answers
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter