I read a recent post here where the writer said she couldn't stand people saying "Your mom looks great!" I completely understand that!
I also feel like screaming when someone says to me, "You're such a good daughter." That's the worst comment for me to handle. And the person saying it is so well-meaning. I want to yell at them! I'm doing what needs to be done, and not always with a loving disposition. Yes, I love my mother. This situation, however, is a pile of doo-doo and I hate it.
Another comment that gets me hot under the collar: "You're so blessed that your mother is still with you. My mother died."
Yes. Years of dying and being tortured by your own brain is such a blessing, Cousin Thelma. (Eyeroll)And we smile. And we are nice. And we are good.
I take issue with who are the ones should be blessed in this miserable situation. My response now is no, God bless his daughters and skilled nurses. They are the ones keeping him going.
I honestly think anyone who hasn't dealt with dementia should just stay silent instead of offering platitudes or (even worse) caregiving advice.
Many who have loved ones with dementia bemoan the fact that friends and family seem to disappear. Now, I totally understand the disappearing, and it is fine with me. It's a lot easier not dealing with backseat caregiving advice and broken promises.
Years went by and eventually this scenario did play out. I got all types of complaints and was micromanaged to the point of my own life being stifled so badly that everything became a panic pick that included terrible jobs, and a bad marriage partner. Life itself became just plain survival instead of enjoyment. Dad managed to travel with his new wife and family while I was pushed to the side along with my sister.
Years later I'm still recovering.
Trust and believe, I know the feeling of being overworked, worried about finances and looking after sick people with no recovery in sight.
Eventually, I did escape and got a better job that allowed me to travel.
Can’t you quit work and move in with her ?”
A few months later that same retired SIL removed her own mother from her mother’s own home and placed her straight into memory care .
Oh, hell no.
'I don't want to hear it'.
That's it for me. My siblings has said that one to me when I asked for help with our mother and needed someone to talk to about it. I would have struck her if my cousin wasn't there to hold me back.
Sure, nobody wants to hear it. That's a fact. The person living in that miserable caregiver situation being robbed of their own life doesn't want to hear it. They really don't want to be DOING it either.
I've told many family caregivers living the drudgery life of caregiver to always tell the other family members that YOU are the one making their lives possible. YOU the family caregiver are the reason why they can earn, go on vacations, hang out with friends, and have a life. YOU are the reason they will get an inheritance too. All family caregivers with non-helping siblings need to press the point with them that if they go, their inheritances get spent-down on care.
Know what I say to a family caregiver? Not your parent looks great or insult someone with the you're such a good daughter/son. No. I look someone in the eye and ask them sincerely how they're coping. Then I listen. I remind others that caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms and no one else's. I always try to encourage family caregivers to not guilt-trip themselves if they have to place someone. Or if they put their own health and life first.
You know, I had a bit of a laugh reading this post and remembering. A friend of my mother's who she hadn't seen in a long time visited. I was still living in the house and caregiving. She gave me the 'You're such a good daughter' nonsense. I told her plainly, that I was not a good daughter and my mother wasn't a good parent. That I was only there because it beat sleeping in my car and am leaving at the first opportunity which is what I did.
Another one. It makes me sick to my stomach when I hear someone say 'caregiving journey'. Which is probably why I cannot stomach that flake Teepa Snow. I did homecare for 25 years. It's not what she thinks at all.
…sickening for sure
I would seek counseling. The appropriate answer to all trying to comfort you, inept and as unknowing as they are (if they haven't themselves "been there" is perhaps something to the effect of: "You know, I am overwhelmed and in despair more than you can begin to imagine".
If these then are true FRIENDS, not simply well-meaning strangers they may respond "Is there some way I can help". If they do say something like that let them know that even a casserole would help. Let them put their words into action. Both of you may feel slightly better.
Consider a low dose anti-depressant to give you a bridge over what you can't change. Consider what you CAN change, and counseling is a good place to do that.
I will risk saying "I am so sorry". Yet another platitude that will feel like a shot of ground glass. I know.
You're right about most things, but I couldn't encourage a person to go on "meds" for something that can be cured by leaving the caregiver role.
I had springing POA. Aunt's neighbor kept pushing me to get her in a facility. Stop "petting her". I was told. My POA wasn't activated and it wasn't as easy as she made it to be. I explained this to her. "Oh, that's nothing. Take her to court. Stand her up in front of a judge. He'll side with you. Problem over. It's either that or let the state take over ". Mhm. OK.
Cousins argued, "We don't want to put her in a facility! We don't want her to think we're forgetting about her!" Meanwhile, they're not offering themselves up to help nor any other solution, except my time.
"You're a good niece. Your aunt trusts you. That's why you're her POA so you'll do the right thing", my aunt's neighbor would tell me. I actually believe aunt made me POA so that she could control and manipulate me. It wasn't activated yet, and all it was doing was driving me insane and piling everyone up on my back to come and stay with aunt for a week or more, or worse yet, come and live with aunt, as my cousin hoped.
I gave up the POA and got the you know what out of Dodge. I don't hear from any of them anymore. I reclaimed my sleep and my life back.
Raised me right? That was over 50 years ago. I am the way I am because I made myself this way ....well, that and obligation and guilt dealing with an aging parent. LOL.
Still, the notion that all of my time and energy spent managing Mom's finances and business affairs, as well as managing her healthcare, stems from lessons she and Dad taught me when I was a kid puts my teeth on edge. Don't get me wrong: I had a good/happy childhood, but there are millions of people in the world who were taught to be nice, mind your manners, respect your elders, and were taken to Sunday School--and you dont see them caring for aging parents.
(Yeah, you handle caregiving for four family members over a period of 15 years, and then you get back to me on that. If you're not dead already.)
Personally, I think I enjoy the verbal abuse, manipulative tactics, lying, and downright bullying the most. Cleaning up the poop and the hoard is just that much icing on the cake. So much enjoying. It's a wonder we don't see more caregivers laughing and smiling like idiots everywhere we go.
Are you kidding. Just the opposite. I would like to FORGET EVERYTHING about the caregiving ‘journey’ with my mom, which took years.
Thank you for this post!
Yes, but when you can't even have a conversation with her because she absolutely will NOT talk about anything BUT her complaints, If I take a week off from communicating with her in any capacity, or two, or even three, so what?