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My mother and step-father are currently in a NH facility living together in 1 room. Mom is 89 and has Alzheimer’s. She is very content in her surroundings; she knows the hallways and can recognize the people (for the most part) around her. On the other hand, my step-father is a grouchy and miserable person and hates every minute he is there as he feels he doesn’t belong there and can do far more than he actually can. He throws temper tantrums and complains about everything. So, I have been searching for a more acceptable place for them both, trying to make his final days more comfortable. This is a Medicaid approved facility, so it’s clearly no Taj Mahal but, the staff are good.


He has advanced cancer and is on palliative care. I am very torn about this as their needs are so different. I fear her condition will clearly deteriorate because of a change, but they’re married and I can not separate them! I do believe he’ll likely hate the next place he goes because that’s what he does, but, I want to try and help him be comfortable these last days of his life. Any advice or new perspective would be appreciated. Thank you.

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Don’t take for granted the place where they already live, you’re happy with the care and mom is comfortable and at peace with it, that’s huge! Sounds like a move would be cruel to her. Stepdad isn’t likely to be any happier anywhere else, some seniors simply reach a place where “happy” is over for them. He likely could benefit from a med to help lift his mood. My dad took Zoloft during his last years, it was a great help to him. See about speaking to stepdad’s doctor about the situation, doctor can’t talk to you in return but can certainly listen to your concerns
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I wouldn't make the change. Like said, he won't be any happier where ever he is.
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Don’t move them. It’s not fair to have your mom adjust to a new place just to appease him. He won’t be happy anywhere.
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I'm with Daughter; see about getting SD some anti depressants or mood enhancer meds to lift his spirits a bit. It's worth a try. But like my DH says, some people love misery so much, they meet it half-way. That may be your step father, IDK. Moving them from a place mom LIKES to a new place she may not is too big a risk to take, in my opinion. Miserable people take themselves along to the new digs, and are usually miserable there too, as a result.

Some things you can't fix, and this may be one of them. I know how hard it is, too, b/c my mother was the miserable one when living with my father in AL. She did everything in her power to make the end of his life as miserable as possible, which drove ME batty. I honestly feel like he was ready to divorce her, after 68 years of marriage, towards the end of his life b/c he'd had ENOUGH of her B.S., but he wound up passing away before he could do such a thing.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
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Thank you all for your perspectives. I needed to hear it all! My mother is the priority and I will present him with the options he’ll have to make for himself; if he’s so miserable, he either goes on his own or he stays with his wife whom he vowed - at the alter - to love and protect. Thank you again!
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