She asked who would feed her? So we had a few conversations and asked her if she wanted to live with us. I believe this was her plan all along, but I try to give her grace and recognize that this was her way of asking for help. She is exhibiting signs of demention (memory, hallucinations). I am kicking myself now for letting her stay, but in reality I don't think my guilt would have allowed me to send her back home alone. My husband is in the process of selling her home (in another town hours away; reverse mortgage-she won't get anything), but I'm wondering if we should send her home and arrange for caregivers. She would not like that at all but I don't like the current situation.
There's a lot of back-story here, but basically I'd been telling my husband for years that he and his sibling need to get together and talk about how to care for their mom when she can't live alone. He never did, and now she's here with us. None of the siblings are in a position to take her in. This has taken a toll on our relationship.
I resent that she is here but I am trying to handle it. I feel like a horrible person for saying that. My fear is that as she declines she will refuse to go into assisted living. What would we do then? With her savings she could afford assisted living for about a year. Then what? I would not want to bring her back here and be a full-time caregiver. My husband wouldn't either.
Don't feel guilty for wanting your life and privacy back. It's a shame your MIL didn't plan for her declining years better. Whatever you do, do not pay for her care from your own funds as this is unstainable unless you are very wealthy. It will rob from your own future needs as you age.
Hopefully your hubs or his sibling is the PoA for their Mom. If he's selling her house then hopefully someone is. After the PoA question is taken care of, then take her for a cognitive exam so that everyone knows what her level of impairment is. Also, she will need an exam before any medications (like for depression) can be prescribed.
My Mom was in an AL and money was running out. She had 20k left. I placed herbin LTC and she paid for May and June. This gave me time to apply for Medicaid and get them everything they needed. June, I confirmed spend down and all info was received. July 1st, Medicaid started.
Place her now, and let her cry 24/7 if it gets her where she should be.
She returns home with caregivers in place.
Her house is sold and she moves into a facility that can mange her care. That could be Assisted Living or Memory Care. I would also urge you to be sure that the facility you select accepts Medicaid if there is even the slightest possibility that she will have to apply for Medicaid
Tell her these are the only 2 options that she can not reman.
And this is a discussion your husband should have with her as the primary person initiating the conversation.
If she is unlikely to be cooperative, don’t give her too much advance notice. Sometimes, zero notice is best, more like “we’re going out to lunch” and in fact, it’s at the AL place. If she IS likely to cooperate, maybe husband can show her two places and get her input on which one she likes.
If she cries and says she wants to stay with you, hubby should say that is no longer possible, he understands she is sad/afraid, but he is confident this is the best for everyone and move on. If she says “I’ll go live with (other sibling) then” ideally hubby has them all on board ahead of time that AL is the best plan and he can say the siblings agree this is best and they will visit / call her in the new place.
good luck!
Heck. Forget the weekend. Take a week off and let her family figure her out.
I remember back when my Dad needed around the clock care at his home... that was 3 shifts of caregivers each day. I used a caregiving agency (licensed, bonded and insured) and it cost $30/hour, which added up to over $20,000 per month. Yes, per month.
My Dad did decide to sell his house and move to a senior living facility, which would cost him $5k-$6k per month (this was 10 yrs ago) for independent living. Eventually as his memory declined, he moved to the facilities memory care which was $7k per month. Dad loved the place as he was around people of his own age. He loved the idea that there was weekly housekeeping and linen service. And how he enjoyed eating in the restaurant menu style dining room. Yes, the facility was careful about what he could and could not eat.
Have a look at what you are doing for her, and stop it. She doesn’t eat with you and you don’t do her washing. She does not sit in your lounge room in the evening, watching TV with you. You find a local senior citizens day care centre, and she goes to it every day. Hands-on care is done by her son, not you. He makes the bed, not you. This is not being “a horrible person”, it’s saying that it’s YOUR home, not hers, and you come first. Keep that very clear, or you have lost the battle – and your home, and most of your husband.
It’s important that there is a real impact on your husband, because what you do will be disregarded. Sure he’s selling her home, but that is not a long term equal contribution.
Have a look at what you are doing for her, and stop it. She doesn’t eat with you and you don’t do her washing. She does not sit in your lounge room in the evening, watching TV with you. You find a local senior citizens day care centre, and she goes to it every day. Hands-on care is done by her son, not you. He makes the bed, not you. This is not being “a horrible person”, it’s saying that it’s YOUR home, not hers, and you come first. Keep that very clear, or you have lost the battle – and your home, and most of your husband.
It’s important that there is a real impact on your husband, because what you do will be disregarded. Sure he’s selling her home, but that is not a long term equal contribution.
Have a look at places where she could go to live, and take her to see them. Tears are likely to come from fear of the unknown, so she needs to know where she is going.
pref near you so that your husband can visit Easy and she feels comfortable with that
you are already feeling the pressures and they are real - address it before it gets worse
because it will
it will never be easy but the longer it isn’t addressed the harder it will become as it will seem like her home is your home and you’re turfing her out if it
you need to be kind but firm
the situation isn’t working - it’s altering your relationship and health and probably sanity
get her into a nice home
if you don’t know oh where to start - start with her doctor
Fast forward to last year…she wanted to come out again. I told my husband: not more than 2 weeks, she must have a return ticket, and whenever he is not working he had to be there with her…no golfing…no going to the neighbor’s house…he needed to take care of her. She ended up not coming.
There is a lot of history here with my MIL & I won’t go into it here. My only point is that we can get sucked into a caregiver roll out of the love we have for our spouses, despite what it does to our health, our home, our relationships. Don’t let it happen.
Protect yourself & your family. If your husband insists on her being there, make him responsible for her needs.
Do what you need for your own life and well-being.
She will decline and she won't want to go to AI or any other facility. Expect this.
You/r husband needs to stand up for what is needed for the welfare of you, him, and your marriage.
WHAT I WOULD DO _______________________________
While not in your shoes. I would consider my own needs / health and realize that she'll want what she wants and that she is / will continue to decline and 'stomp her feet' - to get her way. I would manage / deal with my guilt or whatever self-doubting feelings I have in therapy (get a therapist, even if short term).
Perhaps it would help for you and your husband to get into therapy and/or hire an independent medical social worker to help you both sort it out.
I would ... understand that I might feel uneasy / if not down right guilt for doing what you know is best for ALL concerned ... and do it anyway. You process through it a day at a time and remind yourself ALL THE TIME that you are doing what is needed - for your own well being (which you deserve) - and hers.
While you do not say she has dementia, it does sound like she (you?) need separation - and that she moving into her own space (be it senior ind housing or AI - is needed at this time. It is NOT an easy transition / decision. Don't beat yourself up for wanting to have (more of) a quality life - as the circumstances change, and continue to change.
Take a warm bath.
Have a glass of wine with your husband.
Find time to enjoy a few moments here and there. They are gifts.
Gena / Touch Matters
You are not a horrible person to say you resent her living with you. You need to say it to your husband. Let him know honestly how you feel about it.
Yes, one option is that she could go back to her home and you could arrange for home care. It doesn't matter whether she likes it. You could also send her home and do nothing. Let her make her own decisions and manage her own life.
Your MIL will probably be angry with her son. She will probably say some nasty and hurtful things about you, sensing it is "your fault" her son kicked her out.
I like that you are thinking ahead, and recognize that she will continue to decline, and living in her home with care is just a temporary solution. The time will come, maybe now, to place her in a care home. When her money runs out (or runs low) she applies for Medicaid.
A place to start to get her situated so she will be safe, either with you and your husband (sounds like that won't work) or in a facility is your local Area Agency on Aging.