She asked who would feed her? So we had a few conversations and asked her if she wanted to live with us. I believe this was her plan all along, but I try to give her grace and recognize that this was her way of asking for help. She is exhibiting signs of demention (memory, hallucinations). I am kicking myself now for letting her stay, but in reality I don't think my guilt would have allowed me to send her back home alone. My husband is in the process of selling her home (in another town hours away; reverse mortgage-she won't get anything), but I'm wondering if we should send her home and arrange for caregivers. She would not like that at all but I don't like the current situation.
There's a lot of back-story here, but basically I'd been telling my husband for years that he and his sibling need to get together and talk about how to care for their mom when she can't live alone. He never did, and now she's here with us. None of the siblings are in a position to take her in. This has taken a toll on our relationship.
I resent that she is here but I am trying to handle it. I feel like a horrible person for saying that. My fear is that as she declines she will refuse to go into assisted living. What would we do then? With her savings she could afford assisted living for about a year. Then what? I would not want to bring her back here and be a full-time caregiver. My husband wouldn't either.
Heck. Forget the weekend. Take a week off and let her family figure her out.
Don't feel guilty for wanting your life and privacy back. It's a shame your MIL didn't plan for her declining years better. Whatever you do, do not pay for her care from your own funds as this is unstainable unless you are very wealthy. It will rob from your own future needs as you age.
Hopefully your hubs or his sibling is the PoA for their Mom. If he's selling her house then hopefully someone is. After the PoA question is taken care of, then take her for a cognitive exam so that everyone knows what her level of impairment is. Also, she will need an exam before any medications (like for depression) can be prescribed.
My Mom was in an AL and money was running out. She had 20k left. I placed herbin LTC and she paid for May and June. This gave me time to apply for Medicaid and get them everything they needed. June, I confirmed spend down and all info was received. July 1st, Medicaid started.
Place her now, and let her cry 24/7 if it gets her where she should be.
Fast forward to last year…she wanted to come out again. I told my husband: not more than 2 weeks, she must have a return ticket, and whenever he is not working he had to be there with her…no golfing…no going to the neighbor’s house…he needed to take care of her. She ended up not coming.
There is a lot of history here with my MIL & I won’t go into it here. My only point is that we can get sucked into a caregiver roll out of the love we have for our spouses, despite what it does to our health, our home, our relationships. Don’t let it happen.
Protect yourself & your family. If your husband insists on her being there, make him responsible for her needs.
She returns home with caregivers in place.
Her house is sold and she moves into a facility that can mange her care. That could be Assisted Living or Memory Care. I would also urge you to be sure that the facility you select accepts Medicaid if there is even the slightest possibility that she will have to apply for Medicaid
Tell her these are the only 2 options that she can not reman.
And this is a discussion your husband should have with her as the primary person initiating the conversation.
If she is unlikely to be cooperative, don’t give her too much advance notice. Sometimes, zero notice is best, more like “we’re going out to lunch” and in fact, it’s at the AL place. If she IS likely to cooperate, maybe husband can show her two places and get her input on which one she likes.
If she cries and says she wants to stay with you, hubby should say that is no longer possible, he understands she is sad/afraid, but he is confident this is the best for everyone and move on. If she says “I’ll go live with (other sibling) then” ideally hubby has them all on board ahead of time that AL is the best plan and he can say the siblings agree this is best and they will visit / call her in the new place.
good luck!
Have a look at what you are doing for her, and stop it. She doesn’t eat with you and you don’t do her washing. She does not sit in your lounge room in the evening, watching TV with you. You find a local senior citizens day care centre, and she goes to it every day. Hands-on care is done by her son, not you. He makes the bed, not you. This is not being “a horrible person”, it’s saying that it’s YOUR home, not hers, and you come first. Keep that very clear, or you have lost the battle – and your home, and most of your husband.
It’s important that there is a real impact on your husband, because what you do will be disregarded. Sure he’s selling her home, but that is not a long term equal contribution.
Have a look at places where she could go to live, and take her to see them. Tears are likely to come from fear of the unknown, so she needs to know where she is going.
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