I am running out of ideas. Any suggestions?

Your father has dementia, and it is affecting him, as you tell us above. I think that now you honestly need to curtail visits for your own good. How is it that his facility is allowing outside visitors now during the height of covid-19? That aside, visit him once a week or twice a week. I think you will find, with the level of dementia clearly present that your father will not know the difference. When he asks to go home just say "I am so sorry Dad; that isn't possible." There is no sense arguing with someone who cannot absorb what you say or mean. As to nothing calming him down my question would be is your visit causing him more agitation than help? Does the staff say he is ALWAYS this way? If so can his doctors give him medication to calm him. We always complain about our seniors being "snowed" but sometimes that is a haven from what real life is for them. He may need something now to help him.
When the visits begin to go bad leave at once. If that is in the first 5 minutes so be it. Just say "I wanted to say hello Dad; I will be back soon". And get on with your life.
I am so sorry you are daily having to live with knowing your Dad is trapped in his dementia and so dreadfully unhappy. This has to be so hard for you. But the awful truth is that not everything can be fixed.

I find when I visited mother more than once a week I'd end up with her 'yelling' at me. (She didn't really raise her voice, she'd just be really ornery and find ways to pick at me).

She's not in a NH, she's in her own apt, attached to brother's home. So, in theory, I could visit her every single day. But due to the memory and behavior slips, I choose to go when I feel like I can handle her.

She's still pretty adapted to time and such, but she is hard to talk to for more than about 10 minutes. I trigger her anger like nobody else can.

I went to wash her windows for Mother's Day. (she sits most of the day at her kitchen table and watches the neighbors from there--so the windows should be clean, IMHO) I showed up and started working, and when I went inside to do the inside part, she said "Why are you doing this again already? You barely just did them!" I was so taken aback. It had been 5 years since I washed them and YB said no one had cleaned them since then. It was a real AHA moment for me. She didn't WANT me there and I felt it.

Haven't seen her since then--except for a drive by 90th birthday 'party' and I did not talk to her.

That's been well over 2 months. My birthday has come and gone and she didn't acknowledge that, although YB got a card and a call---so sometimes we just have to realize that we're NOT that important to our parents. It's a lesson I have to keep on learning.

As her mental state deteriorates, I am the one sib she cares for least, and I know it, so I respect that and only visit occasionally.

If your dad doesn't recognize you, needs to be reminded every visit that his wife is gone, that you are his daughter, etc., I'd cut myself some slack and not visit more than once a week. It's stressful for both of you.

Nothing wrong with taking care of yourself during this pandemic. My PCP said he is shoveling out tranquilizers like candy since people are so stressed and anxious.

If you get worn out and depressed over this, then who is there to really help dad with the things he may need.

If his anger is out of control, you may need to ask for a simple eval to see if a mild sedative would help calm him down.

Question: Would you accept verbal physical abusive from a person that is not a relative? Why do you accept it from a relative? Often times we are still under our parents control as adults. The trick is to separate and understand the adult/child, child/adult relationship. Don't tolerate verbal/physical abuse. Take a pure look at the behavior of your parent/child as just another person. Establish the new system where you are responsible for their safety and welfare new rules apply. Be soft and gentle, your parent is not the same person things have changed.......adjust.

Due to covid, so much falls directly on our shoulders. Is staff available to give reassurance? Bring familiar items and plaster his room with photos, a familiar cushion or pillowcase and use as talking points; look at photo albums and LP jackets, sing songs (Youtube) that he used to sing. Dance for him. Do Tai-Chi. Play catch with a tennis ball. When was the last time anyone put lotion on his feet or hands? Make potholders with him. What about getting a telescope to watch stars through his window with him? Don't let them medicate his feelings of sadness, anger, loss of dignity and friends, away, Feelings may be the last thing he may have.

This past week, I've been learning a new dance with my 97 yo mom, called Jerusalema but she is so frail, that's pretty limited. Is there something, anything, that works with your Dad? It's important to explore new neural pathways and every time he wants to go home, it's an immediate challenge. Count fingers and toes, do hand games and clapping rhythms, A sailor went to sea sea sea. What was his profession? Bring a textbook to see what's new with his prior interests.
Bring fresh mint and lavender for him to hold and crush and smell. Citrus peels smell great. Read a book out loud to him, a book that he would have been familiar with, anything from great literature to nursery rhymes, just hearing you read would be helpful. Next visit, bring a list of things to do--don't hold back. Worth a try.

"We're in the process of packing."
Do not think logic. Think what will calm him down moment-to-moment.

No threats, just change the subject.
GI've him a foot or back massage, I know my 96 ye old Dad enjoys tgat when I visit him.

Play some of his favorite music.

Tall about the good old days.

Never bring up his wife being dead as he just has to relive the thought and he won't remember the next minute anyway.

If he brings it up, just talk about a good memory with him and your mom.

Put yourself in his shoes. I'm sure it's pretty boring, scary and depressing to be in a place by yourself with strangers.

I would also have a camera installed in his room.

I see so much of my husband in your father. Before he went into assisted living, and after he got there, he wanted me to do him a favor and take him to see his wife 190 miles away, every day at 3 PM, he would start this conversation. Trying to convince him I am his wife was for naught. He said I wasn't and that was it. If he saw our son the day before, he still insisted he had to go to that town to see his wife and son. IT HURT. I finally asked him who was I if I, his wife was taking care of him. He said, "you're my friend. Even though I showed him our wedding picture on the wall, the pictures we had together over the years at different ages, even recent pictures he still only saw me as a friend taking care of him. So, I got the idea, through support group, to tell him I couldn't take him today, that I can't drive the interstate that far away, I had laundry to do today, I had a doctor's appointment. Anything to get out of the discussion. BUT, it wasn't the end of the discussion. Before he was in the NH, I was awoken by the security alarm on the only outside door in the apartment--I didn't have to see, I knew what was happening. True to form, he was dressed and ready to leave and turned around to get something to take to his wife. And I closed the door. The day before, while I was going to the bathroom, he left the apartment before I was ready, crossed a 6-lane boulevard on a Sunday afternoon and was almost 2 blocks from home. (I couldn't help if I couldn't leave the bathroom in a hurry). That was my clue to get him somewhere safe. After his admittance to NH he still asked the same question, I told him I would have to take time off work and I couldn't just then. If he got worked up, I just left and told the NH attendant that he was upset. She would then go down and get him to do something, like join the group in the "living room", etc. Or he took a nap and forgot about the conversation.
About the doctor's appointments. Where my husband was, a "family" doctor visited once a month, but once every week he would also visit--I think only so many people in one visit, prescribed what was necessary, like when my husband fell, made sure he got physical therapy and checked my husband over to see if all was okay. I saw these reports, but not every week, only when I asked for them. I was told they all do that, nursing homes. I wanted to know because my husband saw his primary before AL every 3 months as he was diabetic and experienced mini-strokes. He was seen by the NH doctor regularly. Check into that. I hope this has helped you understand white lies are OK. They are forgotten, maybe not, as in my case, his demand was every day at 3:00 pm, like clock-work!

I play the "squirrel" game with Mom. Whenever she starts onto a topic like that I come up with something to distract her. Ask another question, draw her attention to something outside, anything to change the topic.

On the other hand forgetting is part of the dementia. And the fear of losing control of one's life. It's OK to say what will calm him down, even if it's a lie. Tell him you will come in a few days to help him pack and ask what he wants to take with him. He will forget this by the time you leave. So even if you have to have the same discussion each visit at least he might be satisfied for a short time.

Mom is in SNC now and when she complains about being shut up I just tell her the president ordered it and she can blame him! Seems to work.

Distract with another conversation. He believes what he believes when he is in the confused state and you are wasting your time trying to explain the truth. Telling him he is safe is just a waste of words. Think of other topics to switch over to - like you talked to so and so - ask if he remembers that person. Ask about something from very long ago because he will more than likely be able to describe it down to the nth degree - old memories are the last to go.

Before he even starts the conversation, see if you can get him out of his room - perhaps a trip outside to sit awhile. If you can take him out of facility, go to lunch. My great nephew and I have 'parking lot picnics' where we do a drive through for food and sit in the parking lot to eat and talk. Maybe try that to avoid getting in/out of a car or exposure to covid by going into a restaurant.

Keep saying the same thing in a calm voice. The repeating will continue and he doesn’t remember the answers. When the begging like that got too much for me with Mom I had to get out of there. Then she some what settled down the care givers said. But when she was in her own home, she didn’t know it. They are in another world, maybe 70 years ago. Be kind to yourself and live in the moment is what I keep telling myself being a caregiver for my husband now.