I am not the type to care for Mom 24/7. Please give me tips to accept this. I get headaches just thinking about it.

You can't make yourself be something your not; however, this doesn't mean you are a bad person, nor does it mean you don't love your mom.

Not everybody is meant to be a 24/7 caregiver. God bless the hearts of those who are! I take care of my mother for now, but I know myself well enough to know I can't do the whole 24/7 caregiver thing. So, I am getting my ducks in a row for when the time comes I will/should have everything in order.

You have a problem to solve, and to solve it you need to look at all your options. Get all the facts of every option that is available to you this way you can make an inform decision. As they say, "don't leave any stone unturned."

You do not have to sacrifice your life just to show your mom or other family members that you love your mom. As someone posted "it is your life not theirs," and may I add one more thing...it is easy for people to say, you should do this or that when they are not there living with it ever single day.

Go back and read all your former posts - I think you've forgotten how much your mother hated living with you and how very stressed you were. She could very well live another decade (or more!) and will not only descend deeper into dementia she will undoubtedly become physically more needy as well. Paying for a sitter while you work part time may be doable today, paying for an extended period of ill health and long term care may very well bankrupt you (or perhaps your only option will be to totally give up your own life to become her full time caregiver).

You are required to ensure that your mother has a roof over her head, has food, and is safe. You are not required to sacrifice your life.

Start looking for a nursing home/memory care facility for your mother. Educate yourself on all the ins and outs, and you'll see you have options. That goes a long way toward feeling more in control.

Doesn't a brother live in India? Maybe you should move her closer to family. Didn't she want to go home to see grands?

Mom didn't seem to do well here. She will not be able to receive any services. Like said LTC can cost up to 12k. She will need health insurance. Will be very expensive. The language barrier another thing. Can you quit ur job to care for her. Can you afford care for her while you work.

When we worked on sponsorship of DIL, we were told we would be responsible for any public assistance of any form that the person had within 10 years of obtaining the green card. That's a long time for an old person - Medicare is very expensive to those who must pay out of pocket!!!

I would not bring her here where she will be equally without anyone she knows - that's what dementia does, it erases memories. She won't have the capacity to make short term, recent memories of what people in her past look like now.

Don't do this. Keep her in India and pay for a memory care there.

Thank you - each and everyone - for helping me think through this. It's been such a relief to bounce off ideas and get all your thoughts. I will try as much as possible to keep mom in India but I will also look for home aides here. If I get lucky, maybe ladies in our community could care for mom if I bring her here.

A million thanks and God bless you all .......truly this has been my safe space.

I'm in a very similar boat except that my mom isn't in a different country, she lives next door to me in my condo building since last Oct. Early dementia. I'm the only person she knows here so I'm her entire social life 24/7. I feel both obligation and resentment. My entire life has been hijacked and she is demanding and basically a pain in the ass to be around. Anyway...

I saw a phrase the other day that has kind of stuck with me:

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Woah! When you say you're going to have to bring her to the States and start the green card process - you're not thinking of moving her into your own home, are you? Are you?!

wren - I've been thinking about your situation and it's very worrisome to me. I don't think it's really possible to expect yourself to adjust yourself to something that's really not in your nature, especially when you don't know how long it will be but you know it could be a very long time. You had your mother for 4 months and you could already see that her level of neediness was extremely stressful and difficult for you. If you bring her to the US on a permanent basis her neediness will only increase because she'll be removed from familiar surroundings and other sources of support, and she'll grow increasingly dependent on you to meet all her needs.

You worry it would be cruel to your mother to place her in an institution with strangers. But she will adjust. It would be cruel to yourself to invite an arrangement where you will be chronically unhappy as she grows more and more needy. In addition, if she has dementia, her needs may become impossible for you to meet over the long term, and you may end up needing to place her in a facility anyway.

I'm worried that you're expecting too much from yourself. I understand that this is a cultural issue, but cultural beliefs sometimes need to yield to practical realities. I'm not suggesting you abandon your mother, but that you consider all the options, not just those your relatives find acceptable. This is your life, not theirs.

Finally, if you do decide to bring your mother to your home, have some plans in place for respite. Adult day care, part-time aides, etc. so that you can get time away for your own activities. If these options are not affordable for you, I'd scrap the whole idea of bringing her to your home.

Wren, while you are feeling guilt-ridden and duty-bound, you cannot be thinking clearly. You have talked yourself into taking on this monumental task and are saying to us and to yourself, “Oh, I will find inner strength somewhere to care for her!” But then you say you can’t possibly care for her long-term. But then, family thousands of miles away have decided (without your input) that they’re done with her and she is your responsibility. You’re letting others, including your mother, control you and make your decisions. And, unless you are very wealthy, you will not be able to care for her for long. Does she have any health insurance in India? Do you have any siblings there? We’ve often said here that you cannot be used unless you let yourself be used. If you sit back and let others make your decisions for your life, they will be only too happy to do so.