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My mother and step father live north of Seattle, formerly (apparently) with my sister in a basement apartment. My sister and I are estranged (her decision) since 2011. I have not seen my mother since 2019 on my last trip to Washington. At that time my sister made public (in a coffee shop), baseless accusations against me and threatened to forbid me to see my mother unless I stuck to her (my sister) approved topics of conversations. She also informed me that she would NOT be providing me updates on my mother's medical condition or treatment for Alzheimer's as it "isn't any of your business." I discovered this morning during a phone call with my mother that she and her husband no longer with my sister, but at "a place," and she "doesn't know why."



In full transparency, my sister is younger than me by 7 years. She has never approved of my life: from my husband (doesn't make enough money), to how I raised my sons (teaching abstinence in addition to birth control; raising them in a religion), to my decision to have my birth father in my life (he and my mother were married for 10 years; there was violence in the home but he is not the same man now as he was then). That is her basic reason for denying me information on my mother.

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No one but you can mend the situation with your Sister and she is the Lioness at the Gate. She is in charge and always was, so that means that either she is POA or Guardian or both, and likely your parents, who lived with her while she was able to care for them, GAVE her this power. You have no been to see your family overmuch. You have not offered help to your sister in the care of your parents.

It seems that you reached your Mom. Good.
Start there.
Ask Mom to hand the phone to a worker and find out where she is.
It is likely you can visit with her by phone, and even go to see her. In general, if Sister finds out and issues a stay away, you may end having to get a court appointment for visit. So that's it at its most dire.

Myself, I would write your sis a short and heartfelt attempt.

DEAR SISTER:
I know we have a long history here, and it isn't really relevant, but I do want to tell you how much I admire you for the care you have given (blah blah blah), and to tell you I am sorry I have not been more support to you in the past.
I recently spoke with Mom and she tells me that Mom and her hubby are in placement now.
I wonder if you might please let me know where Mom is so I can visit her. I ask this throwing myself upon your mercy. It would bring me great peace of mind to be able to visit Mom at this time.
I am so sorry for my part in all we have missed as sisters, and again, thank you for all you have done for Mom.
YOUR LOVING SIS.

If that doesn't work, it doesn't and you are down to phone calls. A lot of water has been flowing under the bridge for a long time. Not everything can be fixed. I wish you the very best of luck.
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To those who answered...just know I live in brain fog due to a plethora of medical conditions, but first - Thank you for taking the time. I greatly appreciate it more than you can now.

AND...I have a step-sister. Now I was an adult and living on my own when my mother married her current husband. She and I have had a good relationship, although we do not keep in close contact, and I gave in and emailed and messaged her last night. She provided me with the location, AND conditions, of my mother and step-father. Such a relief (she and my sister butted heads while my step-sister was still living at home); she does not buy in to everything my sister says about me.

Anyway, this is a great place to go for these types of questions, and I am sorry I didn't find it sooner.

Blessings and hugs to everyone.
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If your sister has PoA, then you are kind of 'stuck'.

Odd that your sister finds your completely normal lifestyle to be offensive--My YS also is 'offended' by the fact I am active in my faith and try to live it best I can. She feels judged by me, when the opposite is true.

Only time and patience can mend this. You don't even know where mom is? That's hard.

Maybe a well written letter and a 'plea' to be able to see mom might touch sister's heart. She sounds mighty angry and anger is a very negative emotion to have as your 'base'.

Right now you can call your mom? That's a start. I can't begin to wonder at why your sister feels so controlling. My YB was like this with mom and we figured out he felt we'd all be judgy about his care of her. We did tiptoe around for the most part and let him run the show.

I did not agree with his tactics, but to be able to have a part in mom's life, we played by his rules.

You can trace the phone number you have to a location---takes some doing, but it's doable. Then you'd at least know where mom is.

I often say this--and it's because it's true: Families are great until they are not.

Good Luck to you!! I hope you can find a way to actually see mom, but at least now you CAN speak to her.

If you can promise her there will be no talk of religion, your estranged father or any other hot topics--maybe in time she'll bend.
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Welcome, Jewel!

Is your sister mom's POA?

I recommend that since you are able to call and converse with mom, you ask her to have someone at "the place" write down where she is and the main phone number there- and perhaps the name of a social worker or staff person.

It is really important to avoid agitating folks with dementia. Talking to them about money, sexuality, religion, politics, other people's illnesses-my brothers and I all agreed that these were taboo topics for convos with mom. We had a rule--no talking about any story that didn't have a happy ending, ie, no "Cousin Sadie is having a biopsy next week" or "Sandra's youngest thinks he's gay".
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