I signed the paperwork when my dad was discharged from hospital to skilled nursing. But my mom and sister question every single decision but offer no suggestions. I just want to be out of it and let them do whatever they want.
If your father selected you rather than your mother and sister, you might want to focus on his care needs rather than what your mother and sister question or care about or suggest or don’t suggest.
Your “signing off” will not simplify providing for his care needs and can make his care more complicated than it is now.
If you practice, can you learn to ignore their input and base your decisions on your own research and the input of other experts? He chose you for a reason. Maybe he knew and expected that you could make better decisions regarding his care than they.
Remember, the legal right to make his decisions has been given BY HIM, to YOU. Their opinions are meaningless.
Think this through, and be sure that you make the best decision for YOU and FOR HIM. no matter what they say, nothing really counts except YOUR DECISIONS.
I see no one has answered your question, which is how to remove yourself from POA. Was the POA witnessed by an attorney's office? If so, contact them and tell them you want to resign your POA. Any expenses incurred from this should come out of your father's funds, NOT yours.
Toughen up. Often the person closest to the patient (your mom) is the wrong person to hold POA because they're too emotional. There'a reason why Sis didn't get it either, so I think Dad wants YOU because you have a better head on your shoulders.
I assume you care about Dad and want to respect his wishes. His wish is for you to watch out for him, so practice selective deafness with Mom and Sis if need be and be there for Dad.
Otherwise, you are not required to be POA if you don't want to be. If he's not competent to give it to someone else, then life will be a lot tougher for him.
Are you speaking of being a medical POA? Not a financial and legal POA? Or did your Dad appoint you as his POA some time ago to do ALL work for him, legal, financial and medical? If you are speaking of Medical it is really quite easy. Just tell whomever calls you regarding him that you no longer wish to serve as his POA and that they should call his next of kin, which I assume is his wife, your Mom. Right now, at this moment, if you are being called upon to make medical decisions you can tell whomever is asking you to make them, to sign them or to WHATEVER them, that you cannot make this decision, that you would defer at this time and suggest that they contact his next of kin, his wife. You can, when Dad is out of the hospital and out of skilled nursing, go to an attorney and resign as his POA, appoint your Mother or sister. Is this the first time you have been called upon to act in your Dad's behalf? Is he able to express his wishes? If so, are you not able to tell your Sis and Mom that you are acting in your Dad's best interests, for him, as he wishes you to act for him? I am sorry you didn't understand more about this duty before assuming it. In the midst of an acute hospitalization and a transferring to SNF or rehabilitative care is really the least favorable time to resign this position. I am sorry you are all going through so much dissension. Just know that acute hospitalization and rehab is difficult for all families. I wish you the best, and hope your father has a good healing process.
Agree with what others have said/explained, but there are a few additional points to consider.
An actual durable POA for financial AND medical -- if properly witnesses and notarized in according to the state law/rules where you live AND if he was competent at the time he signed such docs (NOT diagnosed with dementia prior to signing) -- does not require you to serve. Next steps: 1) get back with the attorney who drafted said docs OR 2) find a competent elder care attorney to engage (with your dad's funds, not yours) to see what he/she advises based on the circumstances and what your state law/rules require.
You may have other docs too (Advanced Directive for medical decisions to serve as his "medical agent" when he cannot make such decisions, and of course a Will or Trust documents) that also may come into play that may or may not require revisions (again depending on his competency status and his choices).
The fact that mom and sis were NOT appointed for this role is important for the current or a new attorney to understand as well as other circumstances. Are mom and dad still legally married? What is the status of any of their home, is that were dad lived prior to his hospitalization and nursing home placement (there are potential spousal impoverishment considerations to protect this asset for your mom to work out). Were there ever concerns about his financial and/or medical well being if either mom or sis were given such responsibilities/rights? Was adult protective services every involved?
Many legal docs of this type (POA, Will, Advanced Directive, Trust docs) name a primary and then one or more secondary individuals to take over if the primary cannot handle the task or chooses to not handle the task. Sound like this may not be included in any paperwork executive for your dad, something to consider with any new docs.
And then each state has "guardianship" options whereby someone else (NOT a direct family member) is given the role of making financial and medical decisions if dad is NOT competent. Some states allow the nursing home to take on this role as sadly many elderly individuals have absolutely no one left in their family to take on such responsiblities.
If there was a law firm/attorney involved in the drafting of the various docs, that firm/attorney if one does exists could also help you navigate the guardianship option in your state OR the nursing home assuming they are (Medicare/Medicaid) approved could also help, especially if dad is already on Medicaid long term care coverage OR if he is in a spend down pathway to qualify for Medicaid.
If your dad did not engage an elder care lawyer/firm to handle this, I would recommend getting one in place ASAP so any next steps are within the scope and requirements of your state law/rules. You might want to call the head of the business office person or person in charge of Medicaid qualification at your dad's nursing home for recommendations of elder care lawyers. Do the same with the social workers at his prior hospital and perhaps contact Adult Protective Services where you live and ask the same.
Typically, there is a small set of firms/lawyers in this elder care space (more focused on POAs, Advanced Directive, Medicaid qualification, guardianship issues rather that typical Wills Trust and Estate firms more focused on "estate planning"). The former group -- those focused on POAs, Advanced Directives, Medicaid qualification and guardianship) of firms or lawyers is the one you want to check out. Many will have a flat fee for such work and that should be paid from your dad's resources. In my area those flat fees range from about ($7K to $12K minimum). If there are not funds of this level, you may just want to start with Adult Protective Services to find a pro bono or legal aid type help.
Good luck with all this. It is not much fun. Keep records of absolutely everything.
Try not to get too defensive about it...they just want to understand what is going on. On that note however, this is a thankless job and more times than not it causes friction with other family members, but someone has to do it, someone has to make sensible decisions in the best interest of your father. We all need that one person...
Now if they start with the "you should have done this or that", politely tell them that this is not an easy job and you are making the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Tell them you're not looking for backseat drivers, but you can hand over the reins should they be interested...
This is yesterday's update from the OP, buried amid other responses:
"Hi,
Thanks for responding. My father didn't actually choose a POA. He and my mom have always kept their finances separate. She knew nothing regarding what monthly bills he had. I asked him if he wanted me to take care of paying his bills and he said yes, so we had the hospital palliative care notary to administer and notarize the document. My father is bedridden and incontinent. He did not qualify for Medicaid because my mom has significant assets that contribute to the household. But she is so stingy she does not want to pay for his nursing home care. Instead she wants to bring him home...even though she cannot physically care for him. She is just cheap. She says she's his wife and should be making all decisions. I'm fine with letting her."
This much more complicated than just buttinski family. If dad's NH bills don't get paid he will be made a ward of the state. The state will them sue mom and she will have NO protection from impoverishment.
An eldercare attorney needs to be consulted...yesterday.
i’m sure everyone already answered you, but just in case, i answer too.
—to remove yourself from POA (medical POA or financial POA), you don’t need to do anything. POA does not create an —obligation — for you to make decisions for your father. POA gives you the — opportunity — to make decisions for him if you want to.
—to remove yourself, it’s better to say it clearly to your father, mother + sister.
—you CAN’T appoint someone else (for example your mother/sister) to be POA. ONLY your father can do that, if he’s mentally competent and if he wants that: he must sign a new POA.
—if no one in the family makes medical/financial decisions for your father…he’ll have a hard time. (if he’s mentally incompetent, family members can seek guardianship in court: takes time/costly). if family doesn’t, and the situation seems dangerous for your father, the State will become the guardian.
i don't know at all your situation. but please don't leave your father in skilled nursing, without having any PLAN B, about who will look out for him (since you want out).
remove yourself -- but with caution, small steps.
moreover, you said your mother/sister question everything you do. (and you want out) ...if they want in (want to take care of your father's best interests, and you feel that's a good idea), then help your mother/sister get the equipment/legal documents, to achieve that.
for example, let's say mother/sister want your father back home (you said they're questioning all your decisions. so maybe they're also questioning your decision to sign the discharge papers from hospital to skilled nursing)...
if your mother/sister want your father back home (and you feel that's actually a good idea, and could work out), then make things easier for them. you are POA now. you can help sign the papers to get your father out.
you want to remove yourself -- ok. but make the situation easier/better, as good as possible, for your father's best interests.
if your father stays in skilled nursing, he also needs an advocate, POA, etc...
don't create a situation, where you leave your father in skilled nursing (or anywhere; his own home, etc), without anyone in his corner to fight for him, if necessary.
You can simply write a letter of resignation and get a notarized signature. But, before you take that step, really give some thought as to whether that is what you really want to do and also if doing so is in your Dad’s best interests if that is a relevant factor to you. No one can force you to serve as POA but it does sound like your father needs someone to step up. Have you tried telling your mother and sister how you feel? They either need to do the job you are doing (if your father named either of them as successor POA) or support you - or agree to pay an attorney who specializes in estate planning and elder care to sort this out. Then they can complain to the attorney as much as they like for a fee.
If you were designated as POA by your father, you should check to see if he named anyone else as successor POA. That is standard practice. You cannot decide who takes over for you. Only your father has the authority to decide who can serve as his POA.
Your “signing off” will not simplify providing for his care needs and can make his care more complicated than it is now.
If you practice, can you learn to ignore their input and base your decisions on your own research and the input of other experts? He chose you for a reason. Maybe he knew and expected that you could make better decisions regarding his care than they.
Remember, the legal right to make his decisions has been given BY HIM, to YOU. Their opinions are meaningless.
Think this through, and be sure that you make the best decision for YOU and FOR HIM. no matter what they say, nothing really counts except YOUR DECISIONS.
I assume you care about Dad and want to respect his wishes. His wish is for you to watch out for him, so practice selective deafness with Mom and Sis if need be and be there for Dad.
Otherwise, you are not required to be POA if you don't want to be. If he's not competent to give it to someone else, then life will be a lot tougher for him.
If you are speaking of Medical it is really quite easy. Just tell whomever calls you regarding him that you no longer wish to serve as his POA and that they should call his next of kin, which I assume is his wife, your Mom. Right now, at this moment, if you are being called upon to make medical decisions you can tell whomever is asking you to make them, to sign them or to WHATEVER them, that you cannot make this decision, that you would defer at this time and suggest that they contact his next of kin, his wife.
You can, when Dad is out of the hospital and out of skilled nursing, go to an attorney and resign as his POA, appoint your Mother or sister.
Is this the first time you have been called upon to act in your Dad's behalf? Is he able to express his wishes? If so, are you not able to tell your Sis and Mom that you are acting in your Dad's best interests, for him, as he wishes you to act for him?
I am sorry you didn't understand more about this duty before assuming it. In the midst of an acute hospitalization and a transferring to SNF or rehabilitative care is really the least favorable time to resign this position.
I am sorry you are all going through so much dissension. Just know that acute hospitalization and rehab is difficult for all families. I wish you the best, and hope your father has a good healing process.
An actual durable POA for financial AND medical -- if properly witnesses and notarized in according to the state law/rules where you live AND if he was competent at the time he signed such docs (NOT diagnosed with dementia prior to signing) -- does not require you to serve. Next steps: 1) get back with the attorney who drafted said docs OR 2) find a competent elder care attorney to engage (with your dad's funds, not yours) to see what he/she advises based on the circumstances and what your state law/rules require.
You may have other docs too (Advanced Directive for medical decisions to serve as his "medical agent" when he cannot make such decisions, and of course a Will or Trust documents) that also may come into play that may or may not require revisions (again depending on his competency status and his choices).
The fact that mom and sis were NOT appointed for this role is important for the current or a new attorney to understand as well as other circumstances. Are mom and dad still legally married? What is the status of any of their home, is that were dad lived prior to his hospitalization and nursing home placement (there are potential spousal impoverishment considerations to protect this asset for your mom to work out). Were there ever concerns about his financial and/or medical well being if either mom or sis were given such responsibilities/rights? Was adult protective services every involved?
Many legal docs of this type (POA, Will, Advanced Directive, Trust docs) name a primary and then one or more secondary individuals to take over if the primary cannot handle the task or chooses to not handle the task. Sound like this may not be included in any paperwork executive for your dad, something to consider with any new docs.
And then each state has "guardianship" options whereby someone else (NOT a direct family member) is given the role of making financial and medical decisions if dad is NOT competent. Some states allow the nursing home to take on this role as sadly many elderly individuals have absolutely no one left in their family to take on such responsiblities.
If there was a law firm/attorney involved in the drafting of the various docs, that firm/attorney if one does exists could also help you navigate the guardianship option in your state OR the nursing home assuming they are (Medicare/Medicaid) approved could also help, especially if dad is already on Medicaid long term care coverage OR if he is in a spend down pathway to qualify for Medicaid.
If your dad did not engage an elder care lawyer/firm to handle this, I would recommend getting one in place ASAP so any next steps are within the scope and requirements of your state law/rules. You might want to call the head of the business office person or person in charge of Medicaid qualification at your dad's nursing home for recommendations of elder care lawyers. Do the same with the social workers at his prior hospital and perhaps contact Adult Protective Services where you live and ask the same.
Typically, there is a small set of firms/lawyers in this elder care space (more focused on POAs, Advanced Directive, Medicaid qualification, guardianship issues rather that typical Wills Trust and Estate firms more focused on "estate planning"). The former group -- those focused on POAs, Advanced Directives, Medicaid qualification and guardianship) of firms or lawyers is the one you want to check out. Many will have a flat fee for such work and that should be paid from your dad's resources. In my area those flat fees range from about ($7K to $12K minimum). If there are not funds of this level, you may just want to start with Adult Protective Services to find a pro bono or legal aid type help.
Good luck with all this. It is not much fun. Keep records of absolutely everything.
Now if they start with the "you should have done this or that", politely tell them that this is not an easy job and you are making the best decisions you can with the information you have at the time. Tell them you're not looking for backseat drivers, but you can hand over the reins should they be interested...
"Hi,
Thanks for responding. My father didn't actually choose a POA. He and my mom have always kept their finances separate. She knew nothing regarding what monthly bills he had. I asked him if he wanted me to take care of paying his bills and he said yes, so we had the hospital palliative care notary to administer and notarize the document. My father is bedridden and incontinent. He did not qualify for Medicaid because my mom has significant assets that contribute to the household. But she is so stingy she does not want to pay for his nursing home care. Instead she wants to bring him home...even though she cannot physically care for him. She is just cheap. She says she's his wife and should be making all decisions. I'm fine with letting her."
This much more complicated than just buttinski family. If dad's NH bills don't get paid he will be made a ward of the state. The state will them sue mom and she will have NO protection from impoverishment.
An eldercare attorney needs to be consulted...yesterday.
—to remove yourself from POA (medical POA or financial POA), you don’t need to do anything. POA does not create an —obligation — for you to make decisions for your father. POA gives you the — opportunity — to make decisions for him if you want to.
—to remove yourself, it’s better to say it clearly to your father, mother + sister.
—you CAN’T appoint someone else (for example your mother/sister) to be POA. ONLY your father can do that, if he’s mentally competent and if he wants that: he must sign a new POA.
—if no one in the family makes medical/financial decisions for your father…he’ll have a hard time. (if he’s mentally incompetent, family members can seek guardianship in court: takes time/costly). if family doesn’t, and the situation seems dangerous for your father, the State will become the guardian.
wishing your father well, you, your whole family.
i don't know at all your situation.
but please don't leave your father in skilled nursing, without having any PLAN B, about who will look out for him (since you want out).
remove yourself -- but with caution, small steps.
moreover, you said your mother/sister question everything you do.
(and you want out)
...if they want in (want to take care of your father's best interests, and you feel that's a good idea), then help your mother/sister get the equipment/legal documents, to achieve that.
for example,
let's say mother/sister want your father back home (you said they're questioning all your decisions. so maybe they're also questioning your decision to sign the discharge papers from hospital to skilled nursing)...
if your mother/sister want your father back home (and you feel that's actually a good idea, and could work out), then make things easier for them. you are POA now. you can help sign the papers to get your father out.
you want to remove yourself -- ok. but make the situation easier/better, as good as possible, for your father's best interests.
if your father stays in skilled nursing, he also needs an advocate, POA, etc...
don't create a situation, where you leave your father in skilled nursing (or anywhere; his own home, etc), without anyone in his corner to fight for him, if necessary.
If you were designated as POA by your father, you should check to see if he named anyone else as successor POA. That is standard practice. You cannot decide who takes over for you. Only your father has the authority to decide who can serve as his POA.
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