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I took care of my mom and my dad for years before my dad passed. After he passed. It was too much for me to work. And take care of mom with dementia. So I had to quit my job. My brother was little to no help then our now. I guess it's because he feels she's not our real mother but stepmother. I called her my mother-in-love. But we are all she has.. and I love her immensely. Which he is over my mother's finances. After my husband was diagnosed with cancer, my daughter moved in with my mom to help care for her. She has three children 10, 2 and 3. Unfortunately, her boyfriend died unexpectedly, so she now cares for my mom and also her kids. Witch really gives her no life outside the home. I help as much as I can. We're paying all the bills plus her car payment and insurance. And phone bill. I was wondering how much cash or money she should be paid on top of all this. My brother thinks the bills are enough. But of course, like I said he doesn't do the caregiving. I am just looking for suggestions and guidance on this situation. So I have some insight for when I bring this to my brother's attention. So we can compensate her for everything she does. Mom can't do anything on her on anymore. Not even go to the bathroom. She still needs to provide for her young children. Especially since the love of her life left us a few months ago and doesn't bring home a paycheck. My mom has Medicare not Medicaid. And I'm sorry, to say, Medicare sucks! Thank you in advance sincerely from overwhelmed heart broken, mother , grandmother and daughter

You need to move your mother into a facility and give your daughter and her children their lives back. You can spend down her accounts and sell her house to pay for the care, and apply for Medicaid to cover it after that.

This is grossly unfair of your family to expect your daughter to provide this care while also raising three young children on her own. She needs to be earning a real salary, with benefits, and retirement credit. She needs to get survivor benefits for her children. If her deceased boyfriend was not the father of all three children, she needs to get child support from the father of the other(s).
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Reply to MG8522
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My in laws’ sleep in aide gets paid 123k on top of sil who is being paid 80k. The sleep in has had some “intend to adopt” child living with them for going on four years now. I’ve already been very clear with all of them as well as dh that if that child is there for any reason, I’m not. She is not someone I need to know ever except as being depositioned for a child labor case, which I don’t need to be even a theoretical witness to. If this caregiver can’t arrange babysitting, then I’m not interested in being at anything where she has the charming child pour tea or be entertainment
Christmas, Easter, birthdays all included. I will not put myself in a position where this caregiver could ever allege child labor I would have to attest to.

Idk as the children involved in your matter here are the actual children of the family. It would seem in this case that they could be more of a family plan even if not directly involved. If there was a grandchild in the situation of wanting to take care of them, we would want them to get the 123k.
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Reply to PeggySue2020
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If your mother has money and can afford to pay for home care, then she pays your daughter a wage that both agree is fair. If she does not have money to pay for in-home care, then she can apply for Medicaid. Medicare does not pay for long term care, whether at home or in a care facility. Medicaid does.

I feel that this arrangement is not fair to your daughter. She needs to be free of this burden, and she needs to have the ability to earn income and earn Social Security credits. Otherwise, what will she do when she is an elder?

If you are curious what the typical rate of pay is for a home care provider, you can call and ask a couple agencies. Last I knew, it was around $25/hr, but the worker only gets about half that, the rest goes to payroll taxes and administrative costs.
Some independent (self-employed) care providers will charge that or more.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I'm sorry you are all in this situation. I would sit down and plan out the next five years financially before you approach the brother for payment for homecare. Are you now working? What are your plans for retirement? Do you have savings? Is everyone living in your mom's house or your house? Is it two different homes or just one? When your mom dies will your daughter get a job? Could either of you do an online job at least for a few hours a week to build up savings for yourselves and the kids' futures? Are you or your husband disabled and getting a check for that? Are you on Social Security? Are the kids getting Social Security after the death of their father? I would start there and then come to a decision on how much your daughter should be paid for at home care from your mom's finances so that she and her children are not left high and dry when your mom either passes away or has to be placed in a care home.
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Reply to JustAnon
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I’m sorry for all of the loss and dementia your family is dealing with. Please consider that 3 children need and deserve, especially after losing their father, a calm, stable home life. That isn’t possible while caring for a person with dementia. They also need financial stability. Your daughter should not be a caregiver, she needs to be focused on her children, her financial future, and rebuilding her life. The lady with dementia needs to be where she can receive around the clock care from those capable and trained to handle her needs. You need to care for both your husband and yourself. None of that means you don’t love or care for your mother. Sadly, her decline will only continue, her needs only grow, this is too much for an already overwhelmed family. Please start with your brother looking into alternatives. Call your local senior services agency and inquire about help what she may be eligible for as well as information on places she could safely live. I wish you well on finding a new plan
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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