Long story short: My mother allowed my father to molest me for many years. He died in January. She is now in assisted living. My life has been hellish b.c. of both of them. She failed to protect me, and admitted at one point that she felt helpless. Then she went back to denying it ever happened.
She basically gaslighted me throughout my childhood and forced me to swallow her Catholicism lock stock and barrel. She claims that my father was nice to everyone but her, and told me recently she should not have married him. She lies to herself and to me. My older brother put her in the living situation, and she has been declared cognitively impaired. She denies that she is - I myself am unsure, although she thought I was my cousin when I went to see her - and is petitioning with her lawyer to get out of the situation. The times I was able to see her she seemed mostly sharp, although she also lies and continues to deny reality. She has always been narcissistic, and had an untreated hoarding disorder. She was also, for many years, a severe alcoholic.
I feel guilty when I don't see her, pure and simple. She is 89 and after I do see her I feel depressed and even suicidal. If I don't go I feel guilty. There is alot more to the story, but it's too long to tell. My father was her entire life, and after he died she cracked up and drove to a neighboring state and was admitted to a hospital. He was definitely not a great guy, and I was and am the black sheep, telling the truth. My two brothers do not talk to me as a I result, and nobody had my back. I myself am now disabled.
I'm angry I go through this, and angry that I continue to feel guilty when she seemed to have zero guilt. I know her life was as hellish as mine in some ways, but she did a lot of things to me that were cruel. Including kicking me out of the family home when I tried to tell my brother to keep his kids away from grandpa (my dad). She said some horrific things to me as well. She maintained the family lie and pretended we were a happy normal family. I continue to suffer from things that happened.
Am I bad evil terrible daughter if I don't want to go see her? My closest friend is a priest who seems to think that I should see her b.c. she is one of the needy, and I feel guilty for not feeling the same. He is not an unreasonable person, but doesnt understand incest or the toxic ramifications of abuse or family systems. His family loved him. Mine treated me like dirt.
Best of luck to you.
I suggest that you continue to post here so that you can be supported. It would be helpful for you to see a counsellor as well so that you can release any feelings of guilt.
I echo the commenter urging you to find a non religious therapist to work with. Not that I don’t value the clergy—I am a Christian. But some people just aren’t equipped to deal with situations like this. We all have different gifts. Your friend, while he may be a wonderful person, doesn’t have this particular gift.
You deserve peace and happiness, not abuse. I hope you find both.
Consider the possibility that what you feel is NOT Guilt. But instead, GRIEF.
Guilt is what is felt when you feel remorse for doing something you know is wrong. The feeling that you deserve to be blamed for offenses you committed.
Grief is feeling sorrow, often in relation to someone's death, but it's not limited to that event. My mother and I talk about the fact that we both grieved my dad long before he died, because he was no longer the person I remembered as my father, no longer the person she equated with her husband. People can grieve the fact that they did not have the parent(s) they deserved. People can grieve the fact that they did not have the relationship they wanted with someone.
Unless there is a huge part of the story I'm missing, it doesn't sound to me like you have done anything wrong. It sounds more likely that your mother has been manipulating you for your entire life and it makes you feel implied guilt because she has had years to get in your head and make you feel responsible for her life.
Not to put too fine of a point on it- your very first sentence is enough to tell me all I need to know. Your mother has never protected you or done her job as a mother. It is not your responsibility to fix her life or make things easier for her.
Frankly, your comment that you visit and often feel depressed and suicidal - that to me screams to stay away. She is using your "guilt" to make you feel bad. You've done nothing to deserve guilt.
As lealonnie said, I think your time would be better served finding a therapist who can help you work through your own feelings over everything that has happened to you. And less time running to see your mother.
People in your situation frequently go no contact to protect their own peace, and I think that may be advisable.
You realize now that you're out of the thick of that dysfunctional family that you have been mistreated by many. You owe them nothing - not the illusion of a happy family, not one more family hatefest aimed toward you, not one more morsel of protection for those who hurt you. Nothing. Nada. They are evil, have been evil, and will continue to remain evil. (Unless your priest friend can conduct a successful exorcism, which is doubtful.)
It doesn't take much more than you describe to know that mom is cognitively impaired and you should stop hoping otherwise. You don't need her approval anymore. You don't need to forgive her or help her or excuse her or ever set eyes upon her person again.
What you DO need to do is take care of yourself. You have always deserved better, and it's up to you - not religion, not the priest or the church - to provide that for yourself. You can do it. You've been strong enough to get through all the misery that was heaped on you, and you can keep doing that, hopefully with the help of a good and kind therapist from now on. I wish you luck and happiness as you move forward.
I know what it feels like to tell the truth to family members, trying to keep kids away from that one person in the family who does despicable things, feeling like the black sheep, the rest of the family treating you poorly because of it, and no one having your back. And mom pretending to have a happy, normal family.
I feel for you, but also I want you to know you did the right thing in speaking up and trying to protect others.
I have a feeling that the majority of the fine folks here on the forum will agree that you are not at all expected to see your mom. She is in assisted living and being cared for, and you have no responsibility towards her in that regard.
Please take care.
Your friend the priest doesn't understand, or doesn't choose to understand, the abusive family dynamics you had.
Sadly, some of us here understand them all-too-well! :( Take care of yourself. I found a bit of wisdom in another post I read on this site some time ago: "You must not set yourself on fire in order to keep another person warm." Or, as they tell you at the start of every flight, put your own mask on first before you help children or others,
If you still feel a need to help the needy/lonely/elderly/unwell, you could either talk to a senior organization in your area and offer to visit someone who is on their own and may need help or companionship. Or you could go to any (recommend a different one than your mother is in), and ask to visit someone who "never" has visitors.
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