We can not do much socially due to his mom's care. I cared for my mom, mother in law and my very ill husband. My gentleman friend states he will never put mom in facility... I am so confused ..what should I do???
You have to do what is right for you. Of all people, since you have done this before, you really know what the road you are headed down looks like.
Obviously, you can have some conversations with your friend, and relate some of what you went through as a caregiver - -it might help him see what pitfalls he hasn't thought about. Maybe a compromise can be found. If not, you will have to decide if the relationship is important enough to go through caregiving again . . . . . ?
He is waving a BIG red flag in your face...believe him. I would move on. I also have done the caretaking thing, never again. Last year I placed my step father and his wife in a facility and my mother 2 weeks ago. I am there for them, but at an arms length.
Thank you...I am not a quitter ..my friend told me his mom is his number one and I will always be number two while she is in his care...but if I give him the ultimatum of me or mom and he puts her into a home,, he will always hold it against me...
You don't have to totally give him up as a friend but I think you can politely explain what he can expect to be doing for his mom until she passes — and (so sorry!) without your help. Continue to look for other gentleman friends who will make you a priority. Don't be a desperate doormat.
I think that sadly you move on. I could not do it either. I understand how he feels. I understand how you feel. We all have our limitations. It would be lovely to think you could remain friends, that you could provide him occasional respite, but I think staying is not an option if you are not ready to assume sacrificing yourself for his Mom. I certainly could not do it.
Well, if it were me who was involved with a gentleman who says he'd 'never put mom in a facility, I'd leave him, especially after being put thru the wringer already caring for a mom, a MIL and a very ill husband.
Enough is enough.
Find yourself a nice gentleman who has nobody he needs to care for. And, if he's sick himself, that's no good either. Not to be mean, but look out for YOURSELF now!!
He's already told you his mom is #1........look for a man who makes YOU #1, okay? You deserve it.
You don’t give an ultimatum. You just tell him that you are simply not able to care for another ill elderly person, and feel that since he wants to care for her, it’s time for you to move on. Then do it.
At 74 I would not wait around. You two are not on the same page. You want more than he is willing or able to give. Nothing wrong in "being" there for him but he can't be there for you. Need to find someone with the same interests that you have. You have done ur caregiving time so enjoy your life.
No matter what age we are ultimatums don't turn out well.
Finding that as I age, and after caregiving and coordinating caregiving for others, my abilities have declined. Tolerating the extra demands and stress has become harder. Even though I still care for others, I would not take on anymore caregiving responsibilities. It is enough to responsibly care for myself and my husband.
I think caregiving changes a person.
And, it will continue to change your gentleman friend, so much, that even now he is not available for a relationship. Not available.
Choose a different path, while you still have choices.
"his mom is his number one and I will always be number two while she is in his care" He's waving a huge red flag in your face, Snowbird! You are 74 years old and in relatively good health? Go do what *you* want to do. There are many, many men who are your age, in good health, with great attitudes and who want to enjoy their golden years with a like-minded woman whose willing and able. I would move on.
You know it’s a hard thing for people who have not been where you have been to understand. Your friend doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. You are all too wise to what lies ahead. That makes it very difficult. You may seem uncaring to him, a threat to her. You may feel neglected and overburdened. You may have no reserve left to deal with her. Its not that you don’t understand how he feels. Of course you do. You have been there and done that. It’s more that he doesn’t understand how you feel. Even if she went to a facility, there is still a lot to do. If you are living with them and doing hands on, then he really doesn’t have a clear picture.
Take a seat in the way back and let him deal with her. She is his mom and only he knows what of his life he chooses to devote to her.
My mom has been gone four years and I found I just couldn’t be as involved with my DH’s aunt as I once was. She still lives at home at 93 and I am her DPOA. I manage her care but I don’t provide it hands on except on rare occasions and I’m very tired of doing even that. She is very easy to care for. That’s not it. I just need a break and know the harder times are yet to come.
So I totally understand your feelings of not wanting to get involved. You need someone or something to lift you up. To refresh you. When that special attention is going to another, you have to know that the timing isn’t right for your relationship. Perhaps you could take a trip or a retreat of some sort to put some space between you. I would also consider therapy to help you sort out what you would like to focus on going forward. It’s not enough to just stop with him, you have to get busy living your life in a way that brings you joy or at least peace.
In looking at your bio I see that there is a six year age difference between the two of you. Six years at this stage are precious years. So there is also that. Good luck and let us know how you handle this.
Thank you for your advice...I am was a snowbird with my late husband and have many friends in Florida...I plan on spending a couple months down there after the Holidays...I am sure he will put a guilt trip on me for leaving him alone with mom..but I think I need the respite..
Snowbird74: Trust your feelings. Sounds like your friend, knowing of your caregiving history, just expects you to do this for #1 Mom. He is just plain taking advantage of you; that for him, your relationship is one of convenience - his convenience. Your golden years should be spent doing things that bring you some pleasure, some happiness.
Sounds like he is emotionally enmeshed with mom which may not even be his fault, but that is something that is not easily changed and in old age impossible. Find a man, not a mommy's boy.
You need to be honest about your feelings. Sounds to me like your spent and God knows you should be. You have given so much of yourself in the past I think you really need to focus on your own life now.
It may be difficult, but in your shoes I would consider starting to ‘look around’ some more. Tell your gentleman friend that you don’t feel ready to ‘commit’ to him and his mother as a package, but that you will stay in the relationship while things resolve with him and you look at other options. Whether you feel a need to be ‘faithful’ to him sexually is your business, but I do know that checking out new options helps you to find out more about yourself and what you want and need. If he dumps you, you have the answer there for you. If you find someone else who is fantastic, there is another answer. If you just muddle along, with him as one of the options, you leave time for things to change. His mother may die (a friend is now in palliative care after diagnosis 12 days ago!), or he may find that he can’t manage caregiving and change his mind about a facility. He may be grateful for a friend while he is working out what to do. Just keep your heart safe and sound while you live through this.
He is counting on the fact that you being naturally kind and nurturing will absolve HIM of the responsibility of taking care of his mother. You will wind up doing all the work and probably will receive little or no true gratitude in the end. While he may have feelings for you it is also quite possible that he is using you.
Hopefully you are not in a cohabitation with him and his mom.
That he has made a stand that he will not put his mom in a facility, he has chosen her over you. Sorry, I know that stinks, but it is what it is.
Tell him that you wish him luck with his mom and you can still be friends, but you can't be involved in a relationship that doesn't make you feel important or 2nd class.
He has the right to choose, but only for himself, you get to make your choice for you.
There are lots of fish in the sea, so don't settle for something that doesn't make you feel good. You have not been a long partner and you have no obligations because of a life shared, don't own what isn't yours.
Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for, you are lucky to not be a statistic already. I don't believe that a loving person would ever ask someone that they love to risk those odds. Giving that care willingly is not the same as someone that forces it on you.
You say "I plan on spending a couple months down there after the Holidays...I am sure he will put a guilt trip on me for leaving him alone with mom". Red flag. Pay attention. Go to Florida. Relax. Have fun. It's time to take care of yourself. He may realize soon enough that he is not actually able to care for his mom alone, or he may guilt some other woman into the role. But you don't belong in that sort of relationship.
You seem to be a kind soul, please dont get sucked in to this. He has told you where his priorities lie, and it's not with you. You deserve to be his number one. Before you completely throw in the towel, maybe take him to some support groups in your area so he can see that putting her in a facility isnt the same as putting her in prison.
But if he wont budge on this, you should move on. I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself.
Great Gentle advice from the posters. If you still have any doubts, please call Dr Laura on Seriusxm radio channel 111 b/w 2 and 5 pm. She will tell it like it is in no uncertain terms - no sugar coating. Run from this guy. Then she will help you figure out why you feel guilty and selfish. Best to you.
Why do you have a gentleman friend since you’re married and why would you do anything for him. You’re responsible is to your husband not some other man.
I’m going to quote two things you have replied with. First you wrote "he loves me but does not understand me". He may "love"you but what kind of love? There are all kinds. I love my husband, but would never put my dad first in our relationship. He obviously has seen you or knew of you as a caregiver and sees you as someone who will do it willingly for his mother. I call that "using" someone, not love. If he truly loved you, he’d understand AND accept your point of view. So yes, he doesn’t understand you and being understood is important in a relationship. Second, you wrote ..."but I feel I am being selfish and I was always a pleaser so it is difficult to put my needs first..". This is a classic statement of a pleaser. What causes this is probably something rooted back in childhood. But you can change it by first respecting your feelings and yourself. And by learning it’s ok to have boundaries. Usually pleasers do not have healthy boundaries. Read the book on Boundaries by Henry Townsend or go talk to a therapist. Which really would be a good idea anyway in regards to how to handle this relationship. Good luck. You do matter.
@Snowbird74 you may have to choose between staying with your "gentleman friend", caring for his mom or cutting him loose and living your life. If Mom is No. 1 I his life I would advise you to run. Maybe he chose you as a friend because you have done so much caring so he thought you would have no problem taking on his mom as well. Let him take care of that responsibility himself. Don't let him guilt you into it. Walk away if necessary for your health and sanity.
Refuse. That’s all you have to do. This lady isn't even your mother-in-law, though there can be sound reasons for seniors not to marry.
Just say you can’t do it anymore, which sounds like the truth anyway. Then let him shell out money to care for her or at least find a sucker who will do it for free.
It isn't fair for this man to ask you to take care of his mother. If you don't want to do it, tell him. Don't feel obligated to do this. This is his problem and his responsibility. If he doesn't want to put her in a facility, he will have to pay for a caregiver to care for her in his home. Good luck
From one of your responses... ”was a snowbird with my late husband and have many friends in Florida...I plan on spending a couple months down there after the Holidays...I am sure he will put a guilt trip on me for leaving him alone with mom..but I think I need the respite..”
You aren’t married to this man, yet he might put a guilt trip on you? I see a manipulator, sorry. Please don’t allow a man to conscript your unpaid caregiving services. Manipulators know what they are doing!
Please take your FL vacation, and put some distance between you. I don’t see how you can preserve any relationship that’s gone beyond friendship, with this man.
Sorry, this is blunt. It isn’t meant to be hurtful.
Need some clarification here: Is the problem that (a) you can't do much socially because he's tied down with caregiving for his mom, or is it (b) he wants to enlist your help with the caregiving?
If it's (a), and you enjoy/value the relationship to a great extent, you can order a nice dinner delivered (if that sort of thing is available in your area), and perhaps invite friends over for a social night. Of course, this depends on just how much care his mom requires - obviously, it won't be much of an evening if he has to jump up and tend to her every five minutes. (By the same token, if you like him, but you're lukewarm in those feelings, "it won't work nohow.")
Obviously, you can have some conversations with your friend, and relate some of what you went through as a caregiver - -it might help him see what pitfalls he hasn't thought about. Maybe a compromise can be found. If not, you will have to decide if the relationship is important enough to go through caregiving again . . . . . ?
Take care of yourself. You are important are too
Enough is enough.
Find yourself a nice gentleman who has nobody he needs to care for. And, if he's sick himself, that's no good either. Not to be mean, but look out for YOURSELF now!!
He's already told you his mom is #1........look for a man who makes YOU #1, okay? You deserve it.
Best of luck!
No matter what age we are ultimatums don't turn out well.
I think caregiving changes a person.
And, it will continue to change your gentleman friend, so much, that even now he is not available for a relationship. Not available.
Choose a different path, while you still have choices.
Your friend doesn’t know what he doesn’t know. You are all too wise to what lies ahead. That makes it very difficult. You may seem uncaring to him, a threat to her.
You may feel neglected and overburdened.
You may have no reserve left to deal with her.
Its not that you don’t understand how he feels. Of course you do. You have been there and done that. It’s more that he doesn’t understand how you feel.
Even if she went to a facility, there is still a lot to do. If you are living with them and doing hands on, then he really doesn’t have a clear picture.
Take a seat in the way back and let him deal with her.
She is his mom and only he knows what of his life he chooses to devote to her.
My mom has been gone four years and I found I just couldn’t be as involved with my DH’s aunt as I once was. She still lives at home at 93 and I am her DPOA. I manage her care but I don’t provide it hands on except on rare occasions and I’m very tired of doing even that. She is very easy to care for. That’s not it. I just need a break and know the harder times are yet to come.
So I totally understand your feelings of not wanting to get involved. You need someone or something to lift you up. To refresh you. When that special attention is going to another, you have to know that the timing isn’t right for your relationship.
Perhaps you could take a trip or a retreat of some sort to put some space between you.
I would also consider therapy to help you sort out what you would like to focus on going forward. It’s not enough to just stop with him, you have to get busy living your life in a way that brings you joy or at least peace.
In looking at your bio I see that there is a six year age difference between the two of you. Six years at this stage are precious years. So there is also that. Good luck and let us know how you handle this.
Hopefully you are not in a cohabitation with him and his mom.
That he has made a stand that he will not put his mom in a facility, he has chosen her over you. Sorry, I know that stinks, but it is what it is.
Tell him that you wish him luck with his mom and you can still be friends, but you can't be involved in a relationship that doesn't make you feel important or 2nd class.
He has the right to choose, but only for himself, you get to make your choice for you.
There are lots of fish in the sea, so don't settle for something that doesn't make you feel good. You have not been a long partner and you have no obligations because of a life shared, don't own what isn't yours.
Statistics show that 40% of caregivers die before the person that they are caring for, you are lucky to not be a statistic already. I don't believe that a loving person would ever ask someone that they love to risk those odds. Giving that care willingly is not the same as someone that forces it on you.
But if he wont budge on this, you should move on. I'm sorry. Please take care of yourself.
Second, you wrote ..."but I feel I am being selfish and I was always a pleaser so it is difficult to put my needs first..". This is a classic statement of a pleaser. What causes this is probably something rooted back in childhood. But you can change it by first respecting your feelings and yourself. And by learning it’s ok to have boundaries. Usually pleasers do not have healthy boundaries. Read the book on Boundaries by Henry Townsend or go talk to a therapist. Which really would be a good idea anyway in regards to how to handle this relationship. Good luck. You do matter.
Just say you can’t do it anymore, which sounds like the truth anyway. Then let him shell out money to care for her or at least find a sucker who will do it for free.
”was a snowbird with my late husband and have many friends in Florida...I plan on spending a couple months down there after the Holidays...I am sure he will put a guilt trip on me for leaving him alone with mom..but I think I need the respite..”
You aren’t married to this man, yet he might put a guilt trip on you? I see a manipulator, sorry. Please don’t allow a man to conscript your unpaid caregiving services. Manipulators know what they are doing!
Please take your FL vacation, and put some distance between you. I don’t see how you can preserve any relationship that’s gone beyond friendship, with this man.
Sorry, this is blunt. It isn’t meant to be hurtful.
If it's (a), and you enjoy/value the relationship to a great extent, you can order a nice dinner delivered (if that sort of thing is available in your area), and perhaps invite friends over for a social night. Of course, this depends on just how much care his mom requires - obviously, it won't be much of an evening if he has to jump up and tend to her every five minutes. (By the same token, if you like him, but you're lukewarm in those feelings, "it won't work nohow.")
If it's (b), all I can say is ... RUN.