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We can not do much socially due to his mom's care. I cared for my mom, mother in law and my very ill husband. My gentleman friend states he will never put mom in facility...
I am so confused ..what should I do???

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Well, if it were me who was involved with a gentleman who says he'd 'never put mom in a facility, I'd leave him, especially after being put thru the wringer already caring for a mom, a MIL and a very ill husband.

Enough is enough.

Find yourself a nice gentleman who has nobody he needs to care for. And, if he's sick himself, that's no good either. Not to be mean, but look out for YOURSELF now!!

He's already told you his mom is #1........look for a man who makes YOU #1, okay? You deserve it.

Best of luck!
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you soooo much... I just needed someone to agree that I do need to look out for ME because I should be my number 1..
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He is waving a BIG red flag in your face...believe him. I would move on. I also have done the caretaking thing, never again. Last year I placed my step father and his wife in a facility and my mother 2 weeks ago. I am there for them, but at an arms length.
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Snowbird74 Dec 6, 2019
Thank you...I am not a quitter ..my friend told me his mom is his number one and I will always be number two while she is in his care...but if I give him the ultimatum of me or mom and he puts her into a home,, he will always hold it against me...
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Snowbird74: Trust your feelings. Sounds like your friend, knowing of your caregiving history, just expects you to do this for #1 Mom. He is just plain taking advantage of you; that for him, your relationship is one of convenience - his convenience. Your golden years should be spent doing things that bring you some pleasure, some happiness.
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you... you have my thought, but I feel I am being selfish and I was always a pleaser so it is difficult to put my needs first...thank you again
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I think that sadly you move on. I could not do it either. I understand how he feels. I understand how you feel. We all have our limitations. It would be lovely to think you could remain friends, that you could provide him occasional respite, but I think staying is not an option if you are not ready to assume sacrificing yourself for his Mom. I certainly could not do it.
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you.. I needed this support
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You don’t give an ultimatum. You just tell him that you are simply not able to care for another ill elderly person, and feel that since he wants to care for her, it’s time for you to move on. Then do it.
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you for your encouragement
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"his mom is his number one and I will always be number two while she is in his care" He's waving a huge red flag in your face, Snowbird! You are 74 years old and in relatively good health? Go do what *you* want to do. There are many, many men who are your age, in good health, with great attitudes and who want to enjoy their golden years with a like-minded woman whose willing and able. I would move on.
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you....I just feel so selfish, he shows me love, but does not really understand me.
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He is counting on the fact that you being naturally kind and nurturing will absolve HIM of the responsibility of taking care of his mother. You will wind up doing all the work and probably will receive little or no true gratitude in the end. While he may have feelings for you it is also quite possible that he is using you.
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Finding that as I age, and after caregiving and coordinating caregiving for others, my abilities have declined. Tolerating the extra demands and stress has become harder. Even though I still care for others, I would not take on anymore caregiving responsibilities. It is enough to responsibly care for myself and my husband.

I think caregiving changes a person.

And, it will continue to change your gentleman friend, so much, that even now he is not available for a relationship. Not available.

Choose a different path, while you still have choices.
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Snowbird74 Dec 7, 2019
Thank you for your onsite and advice
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You don't have to totally give him up as a friend but I think you can politely explain what he can expect to be doing for his mom until she passes — and (so sorry!) without your help. Continue to look for other gentleman friends who will make you a priority. Don't be a desperate doormat.
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Snowbird74 Dec 6, 2019
Thank you....I have always been a helpful person...but I fear my friends mom will outlive me...
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Sounds like he is emotionally enmeshed with mom which may not even be his fault, but that is something that is not easily changed and in old age impossible. Find a man, not a mommy's boy.
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Snowbird74 Dec 8, 2019
thank you
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