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My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living.
I am exhausted cooking for her, shopping and returning things sometimes 3 + times for same item because it’s not what she wants, I am very budget conscious but I can’t always find cloths for 10.00!
She is very stubborn and wants what she wants and sometimes it is inappropriate. I get her a new bedspread and she wants it extra big. I say not safe to hang on floor because she could trip. All she does is complain. Today I took her to her 4th doctors appt this month and she said to doctor I don’t have time to take her shopping! She also said it in waiting room. I visit her 3 times week, do her shopping and cooking. I make her home safe and decorate
it for each season. I do her bills and hand sew her pants hems and she announced to doctor I don’t have time for her!
She only lives independently because I take her of all her needs. I take her shopping every other week but it’s too much on me to take her on big shopping trips. Sometimes I am lifting her walker in and out of the car 6 times in a shopping day.
I have a caretaker to help when I am out of town but she refuses to let her come over to help me .
I have a brother who visits once a month for 1-2 hours and it’s a miracle she can cook him dinner but can’t cook for herself. He never takes her on any errands or do any chores except the hug job of opening a jar of pickles for her!
Today I have returned her 4th set of shoe inserts and she wants another kind.
She insisted on a single blanket for her bed and now wants it returned. It’s too heavy and to big! I tried to get her a threw blanket but she refused!
I am so frustrated!
She secretly signed another year’s contract with the apartment company so I won’t move her to assisted living!
She is 88 with only short term memory less and problem solving issues which are normal for her age.
She does keep her apartment clean and my wonderful husband washes her floor.
I feel so used up. I quit my job because I can’t keep up without being totally exhausted. I am 64 years old.
I have cared for my father and my mother in law before they died and I am soo tired of being a caregiver.
I cared for my family in my childhood because of family dysfunction and am so sick of it. My husband and I also help his older sister who is not well.
Thank you for reading my complaint.
Everyone tells me I should be thankful she is still with me. I sure don’t feel thankful and feel guilt about it.
I will keep trying my best.

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STOP!!!
Stop doing what you are doing for her.
Step back.
If she refuses the help then she can do without.
Yes she will complain.
IT might take you backing off for her (and you) to truly realize that she NEEDS Assisted Living.
She will (actually has) made your life difficult but if you give in she will continue until you or she drops. (wanna bet who will drop first?)
When a child has a temper tantrum in the store because mom won't buy a toy or candy bar you either give in thus rewarding the temper tantrum and that will continue. Not giving in the child learns that temper tantrums do not work.
Let your mom throw a temper tantrum, don't give in, she will learn.
Within reason you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. It might take a bit longer but they learn.

Just read your profile. (I really have to start with that first)
Anyway. If you and your husband want to move MOVE.
Without you propping her up she may more willingly move to AL.
While you did not go into detail about your SIL if she is cared for and does not "need" you then make the move you want to to be close to your son.
You can revisit the decision when either your mom or SIL truly need you to be close by. And at that point I would encourage you to move the one that needs care close to where you and your husband want to be.
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This is called "enabling a charade of independence".

Step back.
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MJ1929 Nov 2021
100% this. ^^^

My grandmother was so proud of being independent and living in her own house, but she finally got tired of paying the gardener, paying the housekeeper, paying the handyman, doing the grocery shopping, all the cooking, etc. etc. etc.

Except she didn't do those things for the last two years she lived at home. She was never there alone, and while she did do all the check writing (she was a former bookkeeper and it was her forte), she had "company" in the form of her nieces, a family friend, or me staying with her every day for two solid years. Finally the load was too much for the nieces, and I lived 300 miles away, so she agreed to move in with the nieces and live exactly as she had been except for it being in their house, not hers.
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When she says you don't have time to take her shopping, say, "You know, you're right. I also don't have time to cook, shop, and decorate for you now. I can probably only manage once a week for X hours."

Then stick to it.

You have "Doormat" tattooed on your forehead, but you aren't required to keep it there. As the old saying goes, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

What do you think will happen if you show up only once a week? Why not find out? She'll either adjust her expectations or she'll get someone else in there to do her bidding when you aren't.

Get a backbone and take care of you for once.
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For the love of....just STOP! Stop decorating. Stop the million shopping trips where she buys things specifically to return them. You do know she does that on purpose, right? If you aren't getting credit for the effort, stop putting the effort in. Let her SEE what you really do, by not doing it.
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As long as you keep enabling her by doing things for her, she has no reason to consider moving to an assisted living facility. Why would she when she has you at her beck and call?
You need to stop today doing all the things you are currently doing for her, and start doing what your brother does and that's come once a month to visit her for an hour or two. Your brother is the smart one here. He knows better than to let your mom use and abuse him. You can learn from him, as until you do, mom will continue to use you and live in denial that she needs to be living elsewhere, where she will be looked after more.
Your only priority at this point in your life should be yourself, your husband, and any children or grandchildren you may have, so let mom know that you will no longer be her whipping post, and that she will now have to figure things out for herself.
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Unfortunately, you have created this situation by enabling her to completely monopolize all your good intentions. By always being a “Yes, Mom” person, she hasn’t learned that you are not her servant.

It’s hard, saying no. It causes loud responses, but though sh!t. My MIL wants what she want right away, and doesn’t want to wait. Well, too bad! I’m busy with two small children, my own ill father with a stroke, my helpless mother, and meanwhile, someone has to run a household. My MIL still thinks she should come first, but I just can’t. I’m only one person.

You need to start saying something other than “Yes, Mom.” It’s, “That’s too bad.”

Don’t like the bedspread mom? “Aw, I’m sorry. That’s too bad.” You never take me shopping! “Aw, I’m sorry Mom. I try my best.”

Stop offering alternatives that bleed you dry, and start taking control of your caregiving. Empower yourself.
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Eventually, something will happen to her. She will fall or get pneumonia. Soon, an event will happen to send her to the hospital and you can get an assigned social worker and explain it is too much for you to enable her to live independently. I’m not good at putting my needs first. I prefer to have no regrets later. I cared for my mom who lived in her own home and my dad who is now in a skilled nursing home after 2 years in an ALF. And I work full time in an office. Neither parent has been easy. My mom was like your mom and my dad is super grateful for everything I do but he’s literally never going to die it seems. My mom got pneumonia in March after 10 years of bad health and quietly died. But not before she drove me to exhaustion. She also told her dr I wouldn’t take her to doctor appointments. Partly true because there were just SO MANY. She got to where she really loved going to the dr 3-5 times a week. My dad started his decline in August with hospital visits and rehabs. I bring him coffee ice cream milkshakes almost daily because he won’t eat anything else. I decorated his room today with a beautiful picture board. I’m trying to make his last days comforting. Also, I’m looking very much forward to when this is over and I can have time to mourn them both and begin taking care of me and figure out who I am outside of this role. Just know that the only thing you can count on is change. Something will happen to rock her boat and her health will eventually determine her fate. You should tell her to stoppit with the shopping thing. How often does an old lady need to shop, anyway? Funny, but during the first year of the pandemic, my mom found a reason to go to Walgreens or Walmart literally every day. That drove me nuts!
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Could I ask why you feel you have to do these things? Your mother will not hire help if she is getting it free from you. So, how about not being available? At first it is scary to many of us, but you can say NO. And you will get used to it and it won't be so scary. You can decide for yourself what you want to do for her and what you do not want to do. It is YOUR decision, not hers. You are a kind person, want to help, but she is abusing you.
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cherokeegrrl54 Nov 2021
Remember…NO is a complete sentence!! You will hear that a LOT on the forum. Blessings to you and please make some boundaries and respite for yourself!!!
Liz
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Wow, you are letting yourself be run ragged, you poor thing. It's past time to set some serious boundaries. Do what you are willing and able to do and no more. She can rant all she wants, but you need your own life and down time, etc. She will adjust eventually and it will be worth getting your life back.

I would immediately stop this ridiculous demands of more and more shopping. What a waste of your time. And annoying too!

Too bad for her if she doesn't want the hired help. You don't want to be her slave. She needs to allow help or she will suffer the loss of you doing her constant bidding any longer.
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Those who tell you how thankful you should be to have your mother still with you aren't doing HER bidding for her, now are they? I just HATE it when people lay those guilt trips on us, not knowing a single moment of the torment our mother's cause us! It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Rant over.

Your are enabling your mother to pretend she is 'independent' when she is relying on you & your husband for EVERYTHING! She's is not independent at all but 100% dependent and then complaining about all you're doing for her! Sounds like MY mother before she got very old and developed advanced dementia.

Speaking of which, normal aging doesn't mean a person loses her short term memory and problem solving skills. SOME memory loss happens with age; that's it. If your mother hasn't been tested for dementia, she should be.

My mother was The Queen of buying everything that wasn't nailed down & then bringing it back to the store. It was a game and a hobby for her. Until she moved here to Colorado where I live (the only child) and started that little game with ME. And I said No Way Mother, Not Happening. You buy something, you keep it or YOU figure out how to get it back to the store b/c I am not bringing it back for you or driving you back to said store to return it. You'd be amazed at how quickly that little hobby came to a screeching halt! She'd walk across the busy intersection to the grocery store sometimes, however, and buy things and then bring them back herself. Or, she'd buy Oil of Olay and call the COMPANY to say the cream was a bit 'off' or some other lie, so the company would give her a coupon for free Oil of Olay. At which point she'd walk across the busy intersection again to get her free jar of Oil of Olay she swindled out of the company! True story. That was when she was younger and slicker though; now she's almost 95 and living in Memory Care Assisted Living and doing nothing of the sort anymore.

Put your foot down. Hard. Lay down the law and then stick to it. You are not her gopher or her whipping post anymore. Who cares if she signed a lease? If need be, she can move to AL and BREAK the lease and PAY the fees associated with it! Nothing is impossible mother, so don't think it is! Your DH should stop washing her floor, for petesake, and mother should hire a cleaning service! Make an agreement that you will take her shopping once a week or once a month or whatever, and then stick to it like glue. No more returns will be tolerated. She keeps what she buys so think carefully before buying things in the future, mother!

It's not your job to keep trying your best. It's your job to lay down some boundaries for your mother and it's HER job to do HER best to be thankful she has YOU in HER life! A little gratitude from these women goes a long way, you know! God forbid they should be happy with ANYTHING in their life, though, that is too much to ask! UGH.

Wishing you the best of luck developing some new rules and then enforcing them! Respect is a two way street. Once you start demanding some from your mother, you may be surprised that you'll start getting some!
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SoVeryExhausted Nov 2021
I just have to say that your post always make me feel better 😘
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Hi Ann. While some of the posts may seem pretty strident, they are filled with love and support for you, plus the experience and understanding of what you're going through. You can be thankful she is still with you without jeopardizing your own health and wellbeing. I agree that it's time to initiate boundaries. Fib if you need to. Tell her that your doctor has told you that you need to pull back, or that you're going to go back to work, or that your health is suffering. Start bringing in help without asking her. Do you handle her finances? That would of course be easier. Would a doctor talk to her and tell her she needs more help?

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know firsthand how physically and mentally exhausting it is, even though you love her. Please take care of yourself. You're a good daughter, and taking care of yourself - even with her complaints - will not change that.
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Oh boy do I want to free you now to your future world of Ann123's perfect mix of work-life or idillic retirement.

But first, like Dorothy in Oz, there may be tigers & bears. You won't need to kill a witch with a house... but definately fake truths to be revealed..

To be cont...
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"My mother lives in a senior apartment .
It is totally independent living. It is not assisted living'.

Ok. 3 facts there. The sum of = Mom is still independent. Or does it?

Mum's is fully independant. This is fake truth #1.

You can already see this, right?
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When you are ready to start on the path out & into the future - let us know. Many if us have extracted ourselves from others *Magical Thinking*. It's possible & it doesn't take a Wizard - just your own thoughts & some common sense
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You can simply stop.

Since you have great difficulty saying a simple NO you might need to schedule something?!
Something like….A move across the country? A full face lift? A house remodel? Switch your right leg to where your left leg used to be? It doesn’t really matter. But it has to be something that STOPS “YOU” IN YOUR TRACKS. YOU more so than her..Your mother is like the person locked in the booth where the dollars are flying all about and she is grabbing as many as she can and stuffing them in her bra. That usually lasts 30 seconds max. But in your mothers situation the freebies have been flying all about to the extent that she thinks they are as natural as the air we breathe. You must pull the plug. It is up to you. Your mother will never say ENOUGH! It is up to you.
How about realizing that your wonderful husband doesn’t deserve to be washing your mothers floors so she can save her money for WHAT?
I’m sorry because I know you didn’t mean to make him her “creature” because he loves you but please see that you are degrading your own self and your dear husband by continuing this ….WHAT? What are you doing here?

As for others feeling you should be thankful, stop talking about her. Stop. Simply stop. They only know what you are telling them.
How is your mom?
She is difficult. She is running/ruining my life. She is saving her money for her old age after she has killed me and my husband instead of taking care of herself.
Maybe you won’t say those things but please stop spreading the good news (if you are) that mom is wonderful. An abuser should not be praised just because they are alive to abuse more.
And one more thing. Your mother is an abuser because you are allowing it. some people…maybe most people…are not able to resist temptation. You can simply stop offering you and your husband up as free to abuse.
She may only be exhibiting this unflattering side of her personality because she has somehow been led to believe it is okay? She needs you to have firm boundaries or you won’t be able to oversee her care for the long term which is much more important than washing her floors or returning her shopping. I know it’s hard but it is necessary.
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We all have fallen into that trap. We want to help but then it becomes too much. And we don't realize our senior is playing us.

My father ran me ragged when he first started to decline. This was new to me and I wanted to help. After a year of nearly weekly trips to the ER ** FOR NOTHING** I finally put my foot down hard. There will be alot of push back but you just push back harder. Decide what you are willing to do and only do that.
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Beatty Nov 2021
Sounds like what gets labeled Anxiety or Acopia.

The word 'acopia' is often used to describe a patient's inability to cope with activities of daily living.

It's not a real word but often used to describe elders struggling with many diseases & conditions of old age that keep presenting to Doctors & ER.

No cure, but anxiety meds & moving to AL/NH for company often becomes necessary.

It's a hard stage for everyone!!!
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Thank you everyone for your encouragement and response . After I calm down I am going to lay some new ground rules with my mother .
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Santalynn Nov 2021
A good counselor would teach you how to decide and communicate: This is what I will do; This is what I will not do, a variation on what relationship counselors teach: This is acceptable, That is not acceptable; in other words, you honor what works for you that feels right For You. Then there is less likelihood of resentment, etc. It's just plain speaking because you want the best for BOTH of you. There is a phenomenon in elder care of the caregiver burning out and even DYING before the elder, whatever their medical status.
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Ann, if by "laying down ground rules" you actually mean "trying to get mom to agtee to ground rules", that won't work.

She won't agree, she won't be happy, she will pout, tantrum and trash talk you to the world.

Just be prepared to stand firm. Read the book "Boundries" by Townsend and Cloud for guidance and support.
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My mother is basically your mother. Everyone here has a lot if empathy for you and your situation. What can be done about? little to nothing except you standing up for yourself and start limiting how much you do and why. My mom constantly invents problems for me to solve so that I will come over to her place. I've learned that If I go over stick to the problem and not take her bait " Have you lost weight"? and keep my visit brief ( Not 3-4 hours) it works well enough for her to feel independent but that I also visited. I will encourage you to do some research into "Enmeshment" in relationships. Basically it's where one person wants a relationship with another person that is overwhelming and the other person lives to serve the other person.
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lkdrymom Nov 2021
You are lucky you got credit for a visit. If I did any work it did not count as a visit
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My mother is much the same. Lots of orders, needs, complaints, opinions. She has lived with me for a year and a half. When she first came to live with me, I wanted to do everything I could to make her happy and make sure her final days were fulfilling.

I am now weary, exhausted, frustrated, resentful (towards a sister who has decided she can't help much), guilty, angry ...you name it, I have felt it.

I have also shopped for my mother only to return it all. She is a catalog junkie. There are clothes and shoes in her closet that she has never worn. I have refused to take her shoe shopping any more after having to return most of the shoes or look at them in the bottom of her closet never to be worn.

Gently but firmly putting my foot down has saved me from going stark raving mad. Find a way not to let her suck you into her problems. It's like dealing with a child who creates little problems and wants the parent to rush in and solve everything. As long as she knows you're there to fix everything, she will continue. I've learned it's ok to say, "no."

Caregiving is a difficult road. It can feel lonely and thankless. But our loved ones won't be with us forever. I know for me, I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when mom is gone and know that I did my best to give her a comfortable life in her final days.

God Bless you - He sees you.
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Cover99 Nov 2021
lol Shopping is easy, head to the thrift store.
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My stepmom's IL facility had transportation services. She told them when she had a Doctor's appointment and she was dropped off and picked up.
They also had scheduled shopping trips; one day grocery shopping, one day to thr mall, one day to Walmart, etc.

Her IL also had a dining room where she could have two meals a day.

I don't know if your mom's facility has those services, but if they do, mom can avail herself of them, and relieve you of all the unnecessary chores.

The hardest step to take is the first one. Just say No the first time. And it will get easier.
Hugs
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First, laugh

Second doing a lot of clothes shopping, housewares, etc, the thrift store is your friend (it can be more fun then going to a regular store). She can take advantage of senior transportation in her area to take her places or just get out of the house for awhile. Many drivers will help with any aids she has getting into the van. If there is public transit, that's another idea. There are many seniors that ride the bus when they want to get out for a while.

Good luck to you.
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Ann, this is SO hard. No one prepares you for this phase of life. My grandparents all died young so I was never exposed to elder care and when my dad developed dementia I was really blindsided. He has since passed but my mom still lives alone in her single family home of 50+ years and is turning 84 next week with health problems. And she also has plenty of money that she is afraid to spend. I am one of "those siblings" that lives far away though. She refuses to hire a care giver at this point and I don't think its fair that we should have to pay for it when she has plenty of money - so we get stuck in that dilemma. I have a brother who lives in town and is her primary go to person and he has laid down the law! I give him credit for communicating his boundaries and I fully support him in that! He has made it clear how much time he has to offer and what kinds of tasks he is willing to do - and that's that! I agree with other's that the first "No" is the hardest. I like the idea that one poster shared that suggested you can tell mom that your own health is in jeopardy. Maybe make a list of all the things you do for mom and then figure out what makes the most sense for you to help with and what she can hire someone to help with. The things you are shopping for - are they really necessary? Stick to the bare necessities and tell her you will not make multiple trips for 1 item. For my mom, my brother takes her to Dr. appointments as we feel a family member should be involved at that level. And he is there for an emergency. But she sends out her laundry and has a cleaning person come every 2 weeks and pays a handyman for small jobs around the house. I have her groceries delivered via Instacart and found a company that sends prepared (frozen) meals that she likes if she doesn't want to cook. You can do this! Just take a critical eye to everything you are doing and prioritize that list and draw a line. Again, good luck!
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It is time to start saying no to her.

No Mum, I will not do this or that.

Stop going to her house, stop preparing her meals. You know she is capable of cooking, so just stop doing it for her.

If she flounders so be it, let her flounder, let her go into assisted living.

It is not your job to cater to her every whim.
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Wow this was like reading a page from my diary. I too propped up the illusion of "independent living" for my mother for 6 years. I was her "assisted living". And so were several of the other residents where she lived. They transported her all around that place as she could barely walk. She totally refused considering actually moving to an AL, one of "those places" she called them.
Everyone said, isn't it amazing that at 93 ( when she moved there, is 99 now) that she can live on her own?! HA!!

I used to hate the weekends as Saturday meant I would spend my day shopping, laundry, light housekeeping and bringing her meals she could heat up during the week. She hated the meals on wheels and I don't blame her, some were pretty crappy but she still had the ability to fix small meals for herself. She just didn't like to. I ran myself ragged, errands, at least 3 or 4 doctor appointments a month, struggling with her walker in and out of my car or sometimes the transport wheelchair. She lived on the opposite end of town from me. My car racked up so many miles during that time.

Family members frequently reminded me of how lucky I was to still have her and how what a privilege it was to take care of her. I thought there was something wrong with me and that I was a monster for feeling so much resentment and exhaustion. It took a toll on my work life, personal life and marriage. I gave up all fun things I used like yoga and gardening as I was just too tired. My husband tried to help but he had health issues of his own and we grew apart.

I wish I had access to this forum in the beginning. But finally in 2019- she had her BIg Fall. Hospital, then skilled care, and they, bless them at the skilled place- convinced her to go to AL.

I do feel I have my life back to a certain extent now and I have learned to say no more frequently and limit my visits. And not listen to people ( family, her friends) that know what I should be doing and how I should feel about it.

My MIL was the same, and put my SIL through a similar hell. When my SIL finally did set some boundaries with her my MIL got back at her by putting in her stupid Christmas letter "even though I live in the same town as my daughter S. just a few miles away, I rarely see her as she is so busy". We ended up laughing at the pettiness of it but it really hurt her at the time.

Glad you are here, you will find much help, hope, support and others that totally get it.
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Beatty Nov 2021
(((hugs)))

I felt every word you wrote. Oh the walker in the car, the transport wheelchair.. one week there was doctor, dentist, podiatrist, physio 😣

So so many people need to read this at the start of that slippery slope...

But I don't regret it now. I think I had to get to the bottom to learn how to climb back up.

Well wishes to you 🤗
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The key is in the sentence where you explained that you cared for your family when you were young, due to family dysfunction. Therein lies the reason that you are on this position. From an early age you were trained to behave like this: putting yourself second and everyone else first.
So many of us have had this experience and it is most often the daughter! Like your brother, my brother was everything and I was just the carer. It is incredibly irritating to watch your parent fawn over the sibling who is absent most of the time.
I suspect you know the answer. You can't change your mother but you can alter you. It will take time and you may need a councellor to help you get yourself into a position that gives you the self respect you deserve. Then the practical issues of getting someone else to do your mother's bidding, will fall into place and you might be surprised how pragmatic and adaptable she can be when you stop being her doormat! Don't hang around waiting to be apreciated, in my experience it doesn't happen and the self centredness will probably get worse. Good luck. Have a think - what are you prepared to do and what would you rather not do?
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In my wildest DREAMS I wish I had a child like you. Here is what I do because my son, who lives nearby, says "Mom, it is too HARD for me to come once a week to take out your garbage. HIRE someone to do it." My cousin comes once a month to help put away the clothes I wash and dry and to wash the heavier things. He also fixes anything broken, etc. He had HORRIBLE guild feelings that he couldn't come more often, but I told him, "Look, I will have to adapt, and it is NOT your fault or responsibility to take care of me. " My loved ones have THEIR OWN LIVES. MY SAVING GRACE is that my cousin got me a computer. It's a used one and you can't do fancy things on it, but I CAN USE it to order things on Amazon and Instacart, and found that there are meals I can buy which don't require fixing, just heating, or straight out of the box. I am in horrible pain, even just walking one or two steps, but I PUSH MYSELF because I know that I do NOT want to go to a "special home" like A.L. or whatever. I have handicapped bars around the apartment, and a shower instead of a bathtub, so there is a lot I can do for myself. It is HARD though. And I am LONELY. I do wish my son could be with me daily and do the things you do, but you know what? I would feel GUILTY if he took as much time and energy to help me as you are doing with your mom. Your mom needs psych help to face the fact that she IS aging, that she WILL NEED outside help, and to realize she is HARMING YOU by clinging so tightly. Talk to her doctor and explain the situation. Ask if her health plan has a SOCIAL WORKER who can assess her needs. Also, see if your city has an "Office on Aging" and ask THEM for help for you and your mom. They have referrals and also can set you up with a lawyer who specializes in issues relating to the aging process. YOU NEED HELP. She needs psych help. You need to also find out how you can take over as her durable medical power of attorney and her regular power of attorney so YOU can make the decisions.
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karenchaya Nov 2021
I forgot to tell you "here is what I do". I talked to someone in my over 55 building and asked who they have to help them. This neighbor introduced me to her helper and now the helper is coming for free twice a week to take out my garbage.
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First let me say I understand as my mom is also 88, and in a similar situation. My siblings and I are going through somewhat the same thing. You have been a real trooper to your mom and she’s lucky to have you.

In my opinion, you are enabling your mother to let her walk all over you. I would set some clear guidelines on your limits of what you can and cannot do and then stick to them. An example is with the bedspread. If she doesn’t like your taste, then explain you probably should not be the ones picking out her items since it’s clear it makes her unhappy.

I would not have quit my job as that was a green light to your mother that she can use you however she wants. Go back to work if you want and be firm with your mother of what you can and cannot do. Enlist your brother’s help to handle some of the tasks you were doing. If he cannot do them, your mom will have to hire help to get them done. Best of luck!
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LONELINESS is the cause of most of what you are describing. Also look into the local Senior Centers for activities they have for the elderly.
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You have lots of good advice here. I understand your position and also think you have taken on too much. Just be clear about your boundaries (you need to set them) and decide what tasks you will handle and how often. Even doing 3 or 4 medical appointments per month can be exhausting. Figure out what you want to do and have a talk with your mom about what you will be doing and not doing going forward. And stick to it.
I have learned to be very organized about doing tasks for my mom. When I am at her home, I have a list of what I will do (only a few things per visit) and I do them while I am there and leave. I multi task on every visit and take advantage of getting a few things accomplished while I am there. I limit the trips per week as well and if it doesn't get done on one trip, it can wait for another time. It honestly helps. It's not a perfect system, but it does lessen the load.
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