I am burning out. How do I talk to Dad about moving to an Assisted Living Facility?

Thank you everyone for your insights and input. We saw another place close to home as well. We were given a tour by the chef. We liked the look and feel of the place. Still not sure how to approach the conversation with Dad. My biggest issue with bringing it up is the emotional fall out that may happen, dealing with his hurt feelings is truly the worst thing I can think of. So time to put my Big Girl pants on and see what unfolds. I usually have such wonderment of the unknown, this situation is seriously the most mind, emotionally, physically sucking thing I have dealt with in my life. I know I know I will be fine and most likely Dad will love it. ITs the getting to the place of speaking with him, that is eating me alive. OY enough whining, I need to get to work. Have a most wonderful Day! You are all amazing. Thank you for your sharing your ideas.

Best wishes to you on moving your father. My dad had PD, and it was a 3 year journey from the time I really stepped in to help and his death. He was with me 6 months, and it was so very hard, then in MC for his last 8 months. I found that MC offered much more physical help than I could get in AL, but still there was a limit, and Dad didn't qualify for AL. He was a big guy, so he eventually became a 2-person assist, wheelchair bound, couldn't feed himself. Sorry to paint such a pic, but my advice is to stay ahead of the game. When he declines, then MC? Then if he declines too much for MC, then what? And know that once the decline starts, it can continue very rapidly. Again, I'm so sorry.

AL is not a bad fit for an extrovert. My father wouldn't take advantage of any social activities unless someone dragged him there and he isn't interested in crafts, games or movies. That's been a major sticking point for us - his hobbies were golf, maintaining the house, and tracking financial markets, none of which he can do anymore. Getting old is a b****.

Yes, you can do this! But be careful about believing what the head nurse and marketing people at the communities tell you. They make things sound sooooo good, but expectations are usually only fulfilled in the short term. :( What the head nurse and marketing people tell you, even when "drilled", is more a reflection of their sales skills than it is what actually happens in the community. Things looked and sounded so good when I visited, and then when I took Mom to visit, but the staffing, food, and service have gone downhill. Her place, too, looks like a hotel.

Can you get outside caretakers to help at home?

Dad's biggest complaint of his friend that lives in an AI is Don never goes to social things outside the place he lives. I say Dad that wouldn't be you, as you have so many friends from the department, his choir, and old high school friends he still sees a few times a year. So we are breaking down the stories he has in his head about it being a place he wont get out to socialize. I will assure him we will still take him on trips etc. Just now I will be his daughter not his Caregiving Controller. LOL After reading several posts here and other posts, I feel I can do this! Thank you again for your feedback! Big hugs

Visit multiple homes and tell dad you are visiting retirement homes. Then talk to your dad and ask him to visit them too. Its very hard for older folks to imagine this because they think of everything as a nursing home. Even though my mom was in bad mental shape the visiting of the AL went very well. However the idea of needing AL NEVER did agree with her. But because all of the visits were done it was easier to move forward. It takes time, and is a very difficult thing. It will not necessarily feel good, but you will know it's the right thing when you cannot go on anymore as you are. I visited 10 facilities, but took mom to only the top 4 choices.

BBCrawford: Please visit each potential "new home" before making the decision. Then inform him of the "new residence." Of course you're burning out. Seek respite.

JoAnn, Dad is still very social and his good mobility, just short term memory issues. I believe with the added med management and the first few weeks establishing a routine going to the classes offered and excursions he could be doing great. They have a memory section that if his Parkinson's dementia progresses he can be moved there with in the facility. He has had Parkinson's over 10 years now so the last stages of PD are definitely showing up. UGH. Over all though he is pretty happy, loves socializing and doing things. It is just exhausting to be his all in all, his everything when it comes to his needs.

Crawford, as said, your Dad may be be beyond an AL. AL means that, assisted. If u see Dad declining faster, he will need more care than an AL is capable of. I had to move Mom after 8 months because the money ran out. After placing her in a nice NH, my daughter said maybe we should have done this in the beginning. By the time I placed her into the AL she was past "making friends". She was already in her own world. She Couldn't appreciate the facility.

Really, that was great because it could end up being true. It's not their fault they r living longer and it's not ours. Did they give up everything for their parents. No probably, they enjoyed their brands and being together alone. Most of us are retirees. Don't we deserve to do what we want when we want. I used to ask Mom to do it for me because I Can't do it.

Thank you for all the insights and input. I have checked out one that is close to the house and like a hotel when you enter it. The people are amazing I have met. I sat down and drilled the head Nurse on med management, overseeing Dad gets out of his room during the day, his ability to go shopping, etc. Dad's dementia at this time is just short term stuff. So we repeat most of what we say a few times a day. One of the issues with Parkinson's is the apathy they feel. His home has stairs, he does pretty good but we know it is not if he falls it is when he falls. So we of course would like him to be living in the AL situation before that. I came out to care for Mom then she passed away 4 months later. I knew with in a week of coming out that I was not leaving. Hubby joined me a year later. We've been filling Dad's get it done list, travel, car shows etc. Which was all great until recently, with his constant need level it is just so exhausting. Most mornings even if I do sleep I wake up exhausted. I had my first panic attack last night. Funny thing is my life work, my company Emotional Self Sufficiency is about teaching people how resolve stress, anxiety and trauma. PTSD resolution work. So I was able to coach myself to a saner space. UGH. I know my body is feeling the stress of the constant on switch and I must make the change and soon. I just had hives for over 3 months, finally they have subsided.
All of your feedback is greatly appreciated. I am going to check out a couple places a little farther from home. I am working on the budget so we know we can cover his mortgage and the Assisted Living costs. Also we can this prepare his home to sell at some point.
Once Dad is settled my husband and I can open my company again. I closed it when Mom became so sick. So we can go back to giving workshops, webinars and more. Now I have the experience of 24/7 care-giving, and how to create the changes needed to remain healthy too. I will be speaking with my Dad soon. Thank you again for your care and help.

I, too, had to have the doctor tell her. She wouldn't listen to me. Four doctors, actually -- once FOUR doctors all told her that she couldn't live independently (and I live 11 hours away) she agreed and LOVES the community. They've lost their chef, tho, and the food has gone way downhill.... :(

We have been going through this "evaluation" of AL places for a few years so Dad could get more comfortable with the idea, and though he seems to like a place when we visit, he decides after we leave that he prefers where he lives, which is a 55+ apartment with some paid caregivers coming in for a few hours (meals) during the day. Same situation with daycare, which I hoped would help with a transition to AL. Not interested. So, I agree with the idea to visit them yourself first and narrow down to three to visit with him. I think it is much easier for the men when they can go in with their wives. At moderate dementia, we have passed the point in which my father will recognize where he is if I move him and I am concerned about contributing to his anxiety. But, while he is not in danger of wandering, if I lose his existing support, he will have to go and as he gets more nervous about being alone at night, I am suggesting assisted living as the right answer. If I could find a 2BR, sunny apartment, he'd go tomorrow, but there seems to be a shortage. We've been on two waiting lists for 2 years and not gotten there.

I am going through this now as well. My ALZ dad is currently in a rehab facility after being hospitalized after a bout of aspiration pneumonia, most likely brought on by the ALZ. He had been living at the same house he has been in for 60 years with my mom, and of course it took a toll on her as well as me that would come over to help out a lot

The staff here at the rehab is suggesting maybe memory care or nursing home as the next step, However, I see while at this rehab place his life is melting away before our eyes. He was not great at home of course, but being home seems to add some life to him, so not sure I want him anywhere but home. Of course that would be a real chore for my mom and me.

Ok, this is the first time I’m admitting how I got my Mom to agree to move to Assisted Living. After a hellish, exhausting year dealing with my Mom and her boyfriend they kept rejecting the need for a safer living situation. I told her “Mom, Dave (my husband) is going to die and I’m still going to be taking care of you. I will have missed the opportunity to spend this part of my life with him.” She was a romantic and for some reason this made sense to her and she thought she was going to live forever. She called me a few hours later to say they would give AL a try. I’m not proud of it but it worked. Good luck!

Although it is not always the case, it seems like men are a little more agreeable when it comes time for a move to MC.

Rather than focusing on bringing up the topic first, as others have suggested check out a few places on your own first. For the ones you like, go back at different times, to get a better idea of what activities are provided, what other residents there are (and what their abilities are) and how the staff interacts with the residents. If possible, do this with little notice, so they don't have time to make everything nicey nice!

Once you find place(s) you like (and he can afford), then schedule a visit for him (like others said, usually they include free lunch for you all with the tour.) Any excuse to get there... even say you are checking it out for yourselves, for the future! Once he can see that it is not like nursing homes of old, he might be more accepting. Then you can discuss that he gets to interface with others in his age group, gets good care and food, and quality time with YOU (and hubby) as you are not spending all your time doing the "chores!"

Depending on how far the dementia is, this may or may not help. Our mom oohed and ahhed during the visit, questioned who will pay for it (little fib that VA would) and seemed to be okay with it, but by the time she got back to her condo she did not even remember the what and where...

My Parents had been living with my younger brother in Utah and when Mom had a heart attack at the kitchen table and in the chaos of getting her out from the table they all fell on the floor. In the holy crap moment it turned out good, when they fell on the floor it re-started Mom’s heart. Well after the trip to the hospital and back home again, my Dad made the decision that it would be better for Mom if she was in the Long Term Care center at the Hospital. So Dad would go visit her and on Wednesdays they would get their nails done, I was there visiting and my Dad was getting his done too! He then set out to make them a revolving book case that would hold 90 books. When he got that all set up he supplied the books for it and then started getting his affairs in order. He told me he sat down and made a list of his ailments and thought holy crap I better get myself into Long Term Care before someone tries to commit me there! So he put himself there after he turned 90 years old. My Parents share a room and we have decorated it with family photos and a painting my aunt made for her sister, my Mom. They have activities every afternoon, church, work out room and my Dad fixes everything they need help with. He is in charge of the garden, so he has a schedule. Every Thursday a bus runs them around town so they can go shopping and they have a tour of the town. Mom has a nurse that comes in and takes her for a bath. There is a beauty shop where she can get her hair done every couple of weeks. So it’s perfect for them and all the nurses are so nice and helpful. I think if you were to take your Dad to a Long Term Care Center and he was able to experience a day there he would be checking in. Good Luck

You might be talking about memory care more than just assisted living. He might need more participation from the staff than assisted living offers. I have an idea for you. I take my 93 year-old-mom with dementia to day-time activities at a memory care facility. It's new, pretty, and they have specific memory activities and exercises scheduled. So she participates in a couple activities, and then they have lunch and another activity. She likes it. Might be a good means of starting to talk about it.

I started with, "Pop - we have a problem, but I think I have a solution."

I would contact the one you are interested in and ask them to set up a tour. Ask them is it possible to have lunch there during lunchtime. Take Dad out for an outing. Not a lot of conversation just let him see for himself without the fright of staying. In addition to the necklace, Walmart I purchased Tend Secure Monitor. I have it on my mother. I only promote as it was reasonably priced $59 and I can see mom while I am out shopping on my cell phone as it is in real time and you can even see in the dark. I haven't gone out to eat with friends/family in a very long time and now I don't feel the burden that if she does not answer the phone I have to rush back. As far as Dad's Dementia, I urge you to watch a YOUTUBE video called Alive Inside. Have a tissue handy. Good Luck.

I agree with using correct terminology. Never use the words nursing home or retirement home! I used the doctor. After yet another hospitalization, I told mom the doctor insisted she have 24 hour supervised care. She was aware we were having difficulty getting someone to do that in her home. The hospital made the referral and mom was excited about moving there. We all loved it! The food and care was great. They had a lot of activities and we visited her often. She was there 9 months before she passed. Mom had been a guest at several rehab facilities and this had one. So, that factored in also.

I agree with the above advice. It’s difficult because basically you are now being thrown into the position of being the parent. Think of it as if he was telling you as a young adult it’s time to move out. Yes, it may seem tough but you can do it. Remember why you’re doing it...because it’s in his best interests. He will have better socialization, activities, care and independence. Find 3 places that you like that are in budget and arrange tours with a lunch. It really is the only option. One thing about dementia...you can’t give him a choice on 'if this is ok with you dad"'...you just say "dad, we've come to a decision and this is what we’re going to do for you". Etc..

I agree with FF; go and visit these places and pick out three, max, to present to dad.

Take him to visit; they usually offer free lunch with tours. Make up any excuse you can to get him to see them.

After the tours....

The conversation is "Dad, we can't do this any more; you need more help than we can give you. You need professional folks around to make sure that nothing bad is happening to you health-wise. We want and need to go back to being your advocates and visitors, not your caregivers."

When he argues....

"I'm sorry dad, living at home with us doing all the helping is no longer an option; you need to be in a professional situation"

When he throws a tantrum...

"Dad, we don't want to walk away from you and let the government take over your care. But if we die while caretaking you, that's exactly what will happen. We're trying to prevent that. "

Tough conversation, I know. I had it with my mom

BBCrawford, you never know until you ask your Dad. Don't call it assisted living in front of Dad. Call it senior living apartments or something that sounds positive. He might surprise you and say "yes". Your profile mentions that Dad lives at home. Are there stairs at home? That is usually the big turning point where some elders want to move.

With my own Dad, he never knew senior living facilities even existed. He heard of nursing homes which he didn't want any part of living there. When Dad toured an Independent Living facility he was greatly surprised. The place had for him a lovely sunny 2 bedroom apartment, large living room, and full size kitchen.  Part of the tour included a free lunch. It was the food that impressed Dad and he was ready to sign on the dotted lines. The extra bedroom became his home office.

Down the road Dad needed to move into Memory Care in the same facility. I was tied in knots wondering how to tell him he needs to move into an one room studio apartment. Since Dad liked saving money, I used a "theraputic fib" to tell him that studio apartment would cost less. Told Dad to think of the room as a college dorm, so it became a standing joke with him. Much to my surprise, Dad's main concern was if he was going to have the same chef for his meals. When I said yes, Dad was ready to move as long as he could take all of his books :)

Therefore, you look at the places first, and go by your gut feeling. You will know right away which places would be pleasant for Dad. Some are built like hotels, which I think are the best in the looks department.... other's look too institutionalized, Dad might get great care but you want something pleasant so that Dad can be comfortable at this point in time.