I'm 35 years old and living in VA, married with 2 children. I am having issues with caring for my mentally unstable mother, who has struggled with this most of her life. She is recently divorced from her 2nd husband after having survived H1N1. She was in a coma for about a month, and being on a ventilator has damaged her trachea to the point that she will need a resection done, a very risky surgery.
She lives with my family, receives SSDI and medical coverage. Up until recently, she has been pretty independent, albeit she cannot live on her own due to mental instability. She began speaking to random men online, who of course were scammers. I just found out that she gave the current guy a picture of her debit card, front and back, her bank name, login and security information, and PIN number, as well as our home address. I've looked through their messages and he sent pictures of our apartment building from Google maps to confirm that that was where she lives, which she confirmed.
I can't do this anymore. This is the 3rd guy I've told her that is scamming her. She has already sent him money, as well as the other 2 guys. The reason I can't do this anymore is I just don't think I can give her the care she needs.
I am a caregiver to my husband, who has an LVAD and is listed for heart transplant. I am the only one able to work and will be starting work soon. Our youngest child was diagnosed with level 3 Autism, needing speech, occupational, development, and feeding therapy. He is nonverbal, doesn't eat solid foods, and can be very aggressive at times. I am spread so thin already that now I don't think I can take the added on responsibilities of my mom.
Up until now, things were ok. My stepdad was her payee, even after the divorce, but she had her own bank account. I don't feel like she is responsible enough to continue that independence. She is forgetful and shows many signs of early onset dementia, which she was supposed to be evaluated for but she cancelled that appointment, which she does a lot without telling me.
I guess my question is, should I feel like a bad daughter for telling her that I think she should ask her sister for help instead of me taking over completely with her care? I know I would have to become her payee, power of attorney, find a mental hospital for her to get the help she needs, and I just can't do it and still care for my kids. I'm still shocked that she gave our address out, and I can't help but feel like I need to protect my kids over taking care of her. I just need advice, please.
You have nothing to feel bad about. Get her out as soon as possible and let the state deal with her. She ruined the opportunity you gave her by putting your children at risk.
And you, I think you have enough on your plate. Maybe Social Services can help you find a place for her.
You're right. Taking on the responsibility of a mentally ill person and moving them into your house is not something I'd do either. No way.
Guilt is a liar and I beg you to not entertain that emotion. It is not helpful in these situations.
Yes, it is very sad to realize exactly where our parents are, mentally, physically and emotionally when they are not stable, functional, responsible adults, it breaks hearts and takes time to process.
You did a tough job well!
She is putting you and your family at risk by allowing scammers she finds on the internet to know the location of your home.
If she has to have a Payee for her SSI checks then there is a social worker somewhere who handles her case. Contact this person. Tell them that you cannot take on the responsibility for her and that she will have to become a ward of the state. This means that the probate court will appoint a conservator/guardian over her of their choosing. It will be a lawyer or a social worker from the state. This is your best bet. She needs to be a ward of the state and living in a group home. What will happen if she's living independently is she will get evicted time and time again. Let the court appoint a conservator over her who can get her the appropriate care and housing she needs. You cannot do it.
I'm stuck in the middle, and I just want my life back. The hospital called and said she would be ready to go home Monday and that I needed to make arrangements. They said shelters were booked and they couldn't find a place for her, or that a place she could get into was in a shady part of town. So, I'm beginning to doubt that she is being upfront with them about what she has going on, even though she said she is.
When she broke down about the scammer, she was punching herself in the head. On top of everything else and her instability, I don't think a few days in, being put on meds, and then released is what is good for her. She did say that she wasn't ready.
Your mother has demonstrated that she should not be managing her own finances. Will her doctor verify her incapacity in writing? Her sharing personal info and physical location with sketchy people online puts all of you in danger.
Your job has evolved into locating suitable placement for your mother..
Call that hospital social worker today and put them on notice that you will not be there on Monday! Tell them that you will not accept your mother back into your home, that your aunt also has refused, and that she now needs placement in some sort of long-term care facility. Tell them you don't care how far away she is placed just that she lives where she will get the help she needs. Also, tell the social worker about your stepdad and provide his address and telephone number. Let the social worker figure out whether or not they're legally separated or divorced.
Your first priority is yourself so that you can be there for your son and husband. You've done more than enough for your mother given the heavy stuff you have on your plate. Please stop feeling guilty for making this hard but good decision about your mother. Your mother needs professional help and she cannot get that in your home or in your aunt's home.
Remember that the hospital social worker does not care about you, your son, or your husband!!! Stay strong and be firm that your mother needs placement. Peace.
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