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Therapy, finding a new friend group, church activities, community activities can help. You need to be aware enough of what you are doing to stop it and start new habits. My best friend in the whole world is extremely negative at times even when things are going great. He tried to deny that just recently and then started catching himself doing it and I've noticed a change for the better. You have to make yourself aware and then work on it yourself, but having the above resources I mentioned can go a long way toward change.
Most of us complain when we have too much time on our hands to over think look fir things to get involved in Local churches and libraries often have tea mornings and such things advertised The more you get your brain involved In the present the more upbeat you’ll get think about any hobby stuff u used to enjoy doing mines dancing and I took up ballroom dancing - nice social and made new friends as fir grumbling it can be one a habit so be conscious and anytime you feel it tripping in go for a quick walk or count to ten in your mind concentrating on your breathing or something pleasant - it’s a conscious effort to correct that only you can
Brandee again...I'll add that my 77 year old neighbor lives with considerable pain due to two health situations. She told me when she is out with other people and laughing she does not feel pain.
I'd recommend that you fill your life with joy and laughter.
She has an activity and groups she helps every day around town. She has physical ailments but does not let these get her down.
Check into senior classes at the gym. Check into senior classes at the senior center. Do some volunteering. Volunteer at church. Our local retirement community has free lectures, check into these.
Exactly spot on. I think by asking this question OP is on the way to making some changes. I’ve often said, ‘Dear lord, please don’t let everything that comes into my head come out of my mouth!’
It may be that you are saying how you feel, which probably isn’t all that good, and that is being taken as ‘complaining’. When you say how difficult it is to do different things like going to a seniors center full of strangers, that is being taken as ‘negativity’.
There are two answers to this: 1) Stop talking about how bad you feel or the problems you face, and 2) Make yourself pick up on some of the suggestions that your daughter is making.
It's hard, but it will save your future, your relationship with your daughter, and your home.
Hi Susaneleanor, There are a lot of great suggestions here already! If you're up for reading one more, I would suggest finding an adult day-care or senior center to get away from your daughter's home for a while and socialize with others in your age group, who may not mind hearing your stories of your ailments, being widowed, and your current life situation as it is.
I would also recommend finding a therapist to talk with. You can pose your question to them, explain yourself and get some good feedback on how to communicate more effectively with your family, without sounding so negative.
Remember that living with family members can be stressful. You both have developed your own habits and lifestyle which may not integrate well. Try just giving each other space. You might even consider moving out of your daughter's home and into a senior living community, where you will find others to socialize with.
My husband is a negative complainer and after a while it really gets to you, so I understand if you have been asked to please stop.
An example would be complaining that it is raining out and then as soon as it stops and the sun comes out complaining that now the grass with grow and you will have to go out and mow.
Stop vocalizing the downside of any situation. Speak about the bright side of the situation. I swear my husband gets upset if I find the upside to something unpleasant. I just don't have the energy to find a reason to be upset over everything.
You have many good ideas here, but no one is sure if you really are complaining and negative, or if it’s just a matter of how and when you phrase things, or if you are misunderstood. Let me first say, I am truly sorry for all the loss that you and your daughter have endured. I acknowledge that besides the obvious grief over your husband and some aspects of your health, you have also suffered the loss of your independent lifestyle. That in itself is pretty far reaching—different food, different environment, different schedules and ways of doing things. Having to consider other people (besides long time partner/spouse) and how what you say or do daily affects them, and being effected by them. So has your daughter. I can speak to that perspective because I have been caregiver to my 94 year old father in my husband and i’s home for five years now. He is more dependent than it sounds like you are. I won’t go into here all the care he requires, but it is pretty significant (and yet he has done remarkably well with many ADLs on his own, until recently). He has found living with us to feel very lonely and boring. For five years (yes, even back when Covid was more of a threat with no vaccines available yet), I have sought to find ways for him to socialize (back then more online of course), and be occupied. Because of various health issues he has, sometimes it has been more viable than others, and recently has become almost impossible. (Senior centers have many great activities, libraries have classes and lectures, there are places that offer life long learning with classes and clubs, and I even hired a person from a care management company who does their active engagement to get to know him and schedule outings and activities, as well as I take him places and plan activities like garden centers, etc). We looked at assisted living facilities (more social interaction), but he decided against it at the time and now some health issues would preclude him from going there. Bottom line is none of these things have either appealed to him or, if tried, satisfied him in the past, and now some health issues are obstacles to engaging with outside groups. He doesn’t too often complain to me, except little comments here and there. But anyone else anywhere else who will listen (doctors, nurses, PT, OT, etc), he has complained for FIVE YEARS, none stop, about being bored, having to endure bland boring food, feeling isolated, going brain dead, etc (exact quotes). I have planned entire weeks worth of activities with stuff outside the house daily, and at the end he will proclaim it all “boring and pointless”. THAT is complaining. I have told him how the complaining makes me feel, and he disregards it because he doesn’t think I should be hurt or offended—because I don’t think he realizes that I feel responsible for fixing this for him. But If I don’t, no one else can or will. (except him, of course, and we have talked about that too). It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough or appreciated. It makes me feel guilty every moment I am not trying to entertain him . It effects my sleep. I have not taken the opportunity to face losses myself and deal with the feelings. But to him, I think it is venting his fear and grief over losing mom, my brother, and his sister in the last five years, as well as his independence, health, authority, and way of life in general. At this point I don’t think he is able to consider my perspective, but you sound like you are in a different age and health position. All this takes a lot of patience, compassion and empathy for all involved. Open communication and cultivating common activities and also separate interests and activities and relationship/friendships I think are beneficial. You really care, or you would not have come on here to ask for advice. Bravo! Blessings to you and your family. I pray you find peace, comfort and enjoyment in your days together.
Blessings to you too, Hope. You sound like an amazing daughter. Your dad is extremely lucky to have you, even if he’s past the point of finding enjoyment in anything. You could probably (SHOULD probably) give yourself permission to not try so hard to entertain and engage him in life. But keep yourself engaged by all means!
I read an article years ago that said when you get up in the morning, be thankful for something. After time, you will realize that you have more blessings than not.
I think complaining is a habit. So think before you say anything. It could be something like "this soup needs salt". Right there you have criticized you daughters cooking. Just ask for the salt. You are going to need to go cold turkey. No complaints what so ever.
Do as much as you can for yourself. Make caring for you easy, not a burden to your daughter. Really, after years of not living together, its hard for mothers and daughters to live together. Remember, the house is your daughters. You are very lucky that your being welcomed into your daughters home.
You can fix your negativity by focusing on all that you have to be grateful for. In fact I highly recommend you keeping what I call a "grateful notebook" where every day you write at least 5 things that you are thankful/grateful for. You'll be amazed how quickly your attitude will change if you do that. I've been writing in one for years and it keeps me focused on the positive, so I hope you'll give it a shot.
Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry for your illness. But I wonder if now you should be living with daughter? While it seems a comfort, it well may not be, and it may injure your relationship. She has sustained her own loss, and she may not, deep inside herself, wish to take on your care. She isn't responsible for the loss of her dad, your husband; she can't fix it. She is trying to deal with her own and your grief, and can't change it. You are both grieving and trying to deal with changes. Both helpless. Both in pain.
I would now consider, if your assets can sustain such a thing, going to ALF where you will find many others going through the same stage of life, and sustaining the same losses--they are people who will empathize, sympathize, love you, but who will not try to take on and change your grief.
Firstly, and fast, I would visit your doctor and ask if now might not be a good time to try a low dose anti -depressant to give you a bridge over these troubled waters. I would keep complaints from daughter and share your feeling with friends or with a pastor or a therapist (cognitive, not talk therapy, and in person, not online).
Of COURSE you are often negative now. You are in emotional pain, physical changes and great fear as to what grief is coming at you next. You will want to grab at dependency; and people facing their own trauma will shrink away.
My brother, when he was in ALF used to joke that they sat on the grounds, the lot of them, gathered round the gazebo, and they watched the hearses and ambulances come and go and discussed their ills and their losses. And that was for the most part their entertainment until time for bingo. He made a kind of joke of it. But when we reach a certain age (I am 83 and KNOW this) it is pretty much all about losses, aches, pains and the attempts at humor to give us the will to persevere. And when you are looking straight into the eyes of the loss of your life companion, and immediate grief, then humor is impossible to get hold of.
You know, if you share with a friend or therapist, they will listen and understand and give suggestions, but our CHILDREN pick up our luggage. They feel responsible. Yet they cannot help us. And this helplessness eventually translates into fury and rage. They are suffering, but they feel so many expectations to address our OWN.
I know. It's lots to think about. Wish we were sitting around the gazebo talking. And watching the ambulances coming and going. Sharing in the contents of one another's suitcases, yet free not to lug them around.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your helplessness, pain, shame. I can feel your daughter's pain as well. And depression often manifests as anger. I am wishing you luck. I am hoping you will update us on how you are doing.
Just stop being negative and complaining. Your daughter doesn't want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear senior complaining. Working people are too busy to be bothered with it.
Be grateful and happy you are living with your daughter, and you get up every day. You need a hobby or something to do that you enjoy doing. Don't expect your daughter to be your entertainment.
Wow!! Kind of harsh without really knowing the whole story. 1) it could be the daughter doesn’t have any patience & empathy so it seems like her mom is complaining more than she really is. 2) If it was that easy to be bright & Cheery the whole world would be a better place than it is.
Likely there’s things both sides could do to understand each other & improve the situation.
Daughter….. realize moms world has totally changed. She’s had loss, she has health issues that weigh on her, she’s had to move from her home & in doing so is under someone else’s roof with totally different schedule, like, dislikes, etc. Not being in control of your own life I can only imagine is a very hard adjustment. compassion & empathy could go a long way. Helping her find (if she hasn’t already) places to go, things to do.
Mom….. your daughter has also had loss. She’s brought you into her home hopefully with loving arms. That's a sacrifice for her too even if she truly loves you & wants to help. It changes her schedule, privacy as well. She may fell you don’t appreciate the efforts she’s making.
We really don’t know if mom is really complaining so much or daughter has no patience. But either way, taking time to talk about it, how each other feels, with a view to understanding each other & making the situation better would be a good idea. Then you can decide what to pursue. ( Finding a senior center to spend time at, going to aDr./therapists, your daughter going to aDr./therapist or changing living arrangements.)
My mother and sister fully intended to live together after dad passed in 2023 but figured out that they were just too different. I think that’s what’s going on here, too. I can’t imagine having to be fake cheerful like on Christmas every single day, and I don’t know if that would even help.
Try going to your local senior center for lunches and classes. Consider volunteering to call seniors for rsvp or hospice orgs or joining knitting circles to donate hats fo homeless vets, most of whom haven’t had homemade anything for decades. You and she aren’t underfoot all the time then, and when together can both talk about work.
It sounds as if you have both had a lot of changes. I do not know your situation and neither do any of the commenters. You didn’t say you have been negative but accused of it. What do you think you might be doing? I would sit with your daughter and genuinely ask her. Did she say this after you said something? What can happen is you may be seeking companionship through guilt? But that drives away people. Makes them avoid your company. I would sign up twice a week for a seniors program. Join a church. Make sure you give your daughter and family their space as well. Make meals twice a week. Take a grandchild to the mall or to movies. Most importantly. Set yourself up with a social worker or counsellor. Your daughter is bound to appreciate all the above.
Susaneleanor, nothing to add except I commend you for your willingness to confront a possible negative or unhelpful habit and make any needed changes to maintain and improve important relationships. Brava! 😊👍
Yes. You can stop complaining and being negative. I know that is flippant, but you are fortunate that your daughter was honest enough to give you a chance to fix the problem.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband, and the need to leave your home. But it is kind and generous of your daughter to invite you to live with her. She didn't have to. She doesn't need to continue.
If your personalities don't mesh well, and you feel like treating her with dignity, respect, and kindness are too difficult, consider moving to senior community.
Have you developed a social life aside from your daughter, in your new location? If not, that will help both of you. If you're not able to drive any more, look into transportation offered by your local government for seniors, as well as Uber and maybe the local bus system.
Are there specific things that you feel negative about, that we can offer suggestions about solving?
Consider if you might need treatment for depression as it’s very common following strokes. Build a social life away from your daughter if you haven’t already. Look for the positive in life and focus on it, something we all likely could do better about. I’m sorry for your loss, a huge life change, and wish you peace
If your husband was on hospice they usually offer free counseling for years after the death. Or pay for to see a therapist or counselor in your area. Your conversations with your therapist are private and don’t involve you daughter and should be helpful to you. You can speak freely there and hopefully, get the support you need. Don’t burden your daughter with stories about your marriage, past, or husband or your grief. She has her own grief to deal with about her father. And she is trying to care for you and live her own life now. If you have supportive relatives like siblings or nieces and nephews, call them weekly, and talk with them about your feelings. Let them shoulder some of your grief and feelings and provide you support. Never undermine your daughter and make sure all family you communicate with are supportive of her and ask how they can support Both of you. You are not in the driver’s seat anymore. Your daughter is. Don’t manipulate. Sincerely make her life easier because you are there and this may work for a while. Be willing to go into care and do what is best for your daughter.
eagerly look for social outlets other than your daughter. If you drive, go to local senior center M-F and take free classes on chair yoga, Zumba, games, whatever interests you. Or just have a coffee and conversation with other seniors there. Just get out of the house and expect nothing from your daughter. Be as independent as possible. Tell your daughter you love her and appreciate being able to live with her but you need time and space to yourself and retreat and stay in your area of the home. Sweep the house. Vacuum. Tend the pets. Clean the kitchen and bathroom. Do laundry and fold the clothes. If you are able, could you manage the house and pet care and mail etc to give your daughter a 2-3 day vacation every month? Even if she doesn’t go anywhere. You are the competent pet sitter and housekeeper so she doesn’t have to worry. Stay out of her hair. Be a competent, as possible, teammate. Not a dependent child. Let her vent and don’t make things about you. If she has preferences, respect them. Even if it’s not what you would do in your home. If you could be living alone, I assume you would be. Live by your daughter’s rules and be grateful. Do whatever you can to help her and don’t complain. If she suggests Alf or nursing home, be a part of the solution. Go look and help make decisions. Don’t make anything harder for her. Even if it inconveniences you.
Negativity and complaining is hard to live with for those listening to it. Especially that you're living with your daughter now which can cause stress on its own. Try listening to yourself when you speak. What are you talking about? What tone are you using? Are you bringing up unpleasant subjects frequently, news topics that are difficult to talk about, political views you differ on, prices, how things "used to be in your day", things like that? My mother was a glass half empty person. She complained about people, friends, family members, her child, her husband, everything. People were out to get her, insult her, they were jealous of her, etc. I cannot recall ever hearing her say something nice unless she was complimenting a stranger. When I'd ask her to stop complaining, she'd get belligerent and say, "I'm not complaing, I'm TALKING." If she wanted to spend time with me or her grandchildren, she needed to stop TALKING about negative and hateful things all the time. It sucks the life out a person and the joy out of the room.
If you're depressed, visit a grief support group where you can vent all you'd like. Seek out a therapist who's paid to listen to complaints and to help guide you to be more positive. Otherwise, you risk your relationship with your daughter. You may also want to think about living in your own place. There is a LOT to be said for autonomy for seniors and being able to do as you please w/o comments from those you live with. I'm sure not everything your "roommates" say and do makes you happy. That's the downside of Multigenerational living. There's no privacy or autonomy.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.
Stop and ask yourself how you would react if someone was about to say to you what you are thinking of saying to them. Remember...'.count to ten" before letting something slide off your tongue. 😉
Without knowing more just general guidelines for not being perceived as a negative complainer. Don’t complain about something unless you’re offering a helpful solution or suggestion. In fact skip straight to the suggestion for improvement. When you talk about your challenges present them as your struggles, and specify that you’re not asking the listener to fix them. Ask for ideas how to ease your burdens and if you’re not going to take the ideas seriously then stop sharing with that person. And if you need someone to really unburden yourself to that person is almost never your own child. Seek the company of folks with similar ages and experiences.
If I read this right you lost your husband , so you are grieving that loss . Strokes are also scary and can often be followed by depression . Perhaps talk to your doctor about that and/or a therapist . You have experienced loss of a spouse and strokes are significant health events . You’ve also moved in with your daughter , so you’ve given up your home . You may have also given up driving ( maybe not) . But you have had big changes in your life . That’s hard .
Do you have friends , is there a senior center nearby to get out and make friends ?
Maybe a bit more information from your story may help get more suggestions . Like what are your complaints ? What are you accused of being negative about ?
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APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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look fir things to get involved in
Local churches and libraries often have tea mornings and such things advertised
The more you get your brain involved In the present the more upbeat you’ll get
think about any hobby stuff u used to enjoy doing
mines dancing and I took up ballroom dancing - nice social and made new friends
as fir grumbling it can be one a habit so be conscious and anytime you feel it tripping in go for a quick walk or count to ten in your mind concentrating on your breathing or something pleasant - it’s a conscious effort to correct that only you can
Brandee again...I'll add that my 77 year old neighbor lives with considerable pain due to two health situations. She told me when she is out with other people and laughing she does not feel pain.
I have a 77 year old next door neighbor.
I'd recommend that you fill your life with joy and laughter.
She has an activity and groups she helps every day around town. She has physical ailments but does not let these get her down.
Check into senior classes at the gym. Check into senior classes at the senior center. Do some volunteering. Volunteer at church. Our local retirement community has free lectures, check into these.
There are two answers to this:
1) Stop talking about how bad you feel or the problems you face, and
2) Make yourself pick up on some of the suggestions that your daughter is making.
It's hard, but it will save your future, your relationship with your daughter, and your home.
There are a lot of great suggestions here already!
If you're up for reading one more, I would suggest finding an adult day-care or senior center to get away from your daughter's home for a while and socialize with others in your age group, who may not mind hearing your stories of your ailments, being widowed, and your current life situation as it is.
I would also recommend finding a therapist to talk with. You can pose your question to them, explain yourself and get some good feedback on how to communicate more effectively with your family, without sounding so negative.
Remember that living with family members can be stressful. You both have developed your own habits and lifestyle which may not integrate well. Try just giving each other space. You might even consider moving out of your daughter's home and into a senior living community, where you will find others to socialize with.
An example would be complaining that it is raining out and then as soon as it stops and the sun comes out complaining that now the grass with grow and you will have to go out and mow.
Stop vocalizing the downside of any situation. Speak about the bright side of the situation. I swear my husband gets upset if I find the upside to something unpleasant. I just don't have the energy to find a reason to be upset over everything.
I think complaining is a habit. So think before you say anything. It could be something like "this soup needs salt". Right there you have criticized you daughters cooking. Just ask for the salt. You are going to need to go cold turkey. No complaints what so ever.
Do as much as you can for yourself. Make caring for you easy, not a burden to your daughter. Really, after years of not living together, its hard for mothers and daughters to live together. Remember, the house is your daughters. You are very lucky that your being welcomed into your daughters home.
I've been writing in one for years and it keeps me focused on the positive, so I hope you'll give it a shot.
I would now consider, if your assets can sustain such a thing, going to ALF where you will find many others going through the same stage of life, and sustaining the same losses--they are people who will empathize, sympathize, love you, but who will not try to take on and change your grief.
Firstly, and fast, I would visit your doctor and ask if now might not be a good time to try a low dose anti -depressant to give you a bridge over these troubled waters.
I would keep complaints from daughter and share your feeling with friends or with a pastor or a therapist (cognitive, not talk therapy, and in person, not online).
Of COURSE you are often negative now.
You are in emotional pain, physical changes and great fear as to what grief is coming at you next.
You will want to grab at dependency; and people facing their own trauma will shrink away.
My brother, when he was in ALF used to joke that they sat on the grounds, the lot of them, gathered round the gazebo, and they watched the hearses and ambulances come and go and discussed their ills and their losses. And that was for the most part their entertainment until time for bingo.
He made a kind of joke of it. But when we reach a certain age (I am 83 and KNOW this) it is pretty much all about losses, aches, pains and the attempts at humor to give us the will to persevere. And when you are looking straight into the eyes of the loss of your life companion, and immediate grief, then humor is impossible to get hold of.
You know, if you share with a friend or therapist, they will listen and understand and give suggestions, but our CHILDREN pick up our luggage. They feel responsible. Yet they cannot help us. And this helplessness eventually translates into fury and rage. They are suffering, but they feel so many expectations to address our OWN.
I know. It's lots to think about. Wish we were sitting around the gazebo talking. And watching the ambulances coming and going. Sharing in the contents of one another's suitcases, yet free not to lug them around.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your helplessness, pain, shame. I can feel your daughter's pain as well. And depression often manifests as anger.
I am wishing you luck. I am hoping you will update us on how you are doing.
Just stop being negative and complaining. Your daughter doesn't want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear senior complaining. Working people are too busy to be bothered with it.
Be grateful and happy you are living with your daughter, and you get up every day. You need a hobby or something to do that you enjoy doing. Don't expect your daughter to be your entertainment.
Maybe ask your doctor about an anti-depressant?
1) it could be the daughter doesn’t have any patience & empathy so it seems like her mom is complaining more than she really is.
2) If it was that easy to be bright & Cheery the whole world would be a better place than it is.
Likely there’s things both sides could do to understand each other & improve the situation.
Daughter….. realize moms world has totally changed. She’s had loss, she has health issues that weigh on her, she’s had to move from her home & in doing so is under someone else’s roof with totally different schedule, like, dislikes, etc. Not being in control of your own life I can only imagine is a very hard adjustment. compassion & empathy could go a long way. Helping her find (if she hasn’t already) places to go, things to do.
Mom….. your daughter has also had loss. She’s brought you into her home hopefully with loving arms. That's a sacrifice for her too even if she truly loves you & wants to help. It changes her schedule, privacy as well. She may fell you don’t appreciate the efforts she’s making.
We really don’t know if mom is really complaining so much or daughter has no patience. But either way, taking time to talk about it, how each other feels, with a view to understanding each other & making the situation better would be a good idea. Then you can decide what to pursue. ( Finding a senior center to spend time at, going to aDr./therapists, your daughter going to aDr./therapist or changing living arrangements.)
Try going to your local senior center for lunches and classes. Consider volunteering to call seniors for rsvp or hospice orgs or joining knitting circles to donate hats fo homeless vets, most of whom haven’t had homemade anything for decades. You and she aren’t underfoot all the time then, and when together can both talk about work.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband, and the need to leave your home. But it is kind and generous of your daughter to invite you to live with her. She didn't have to. She doesn't need to continue.
If your personalities don't mesh well, and you feel like treating her with dignity, respect, and kindness are too difficult, consider moving to senior community.
Have you developed a social life aside from your daughter, in your new location? If not, that will help both of you. If you're not able to drive any more, look into transportation offered by your local government for seniors, as well as Uber and maybe the local bus system.
Are there specific things that you feel negative about, that we can offer suggestions about solving?
If you're depressed, visit a grief support group where you can vent all you'd like. Seek out a therapist who's paid to listen to complaints and to help guide you to be more positive. Otherwise, you risk your relationship with your daughter. You may also want to think about living in your own place. There is a LOT to be said for autonomy for seniors and being able to do as you please w/o comments from those you live with. I'm sure not everything your "roommates" say and do makes you happy. That's the downside of Multigenerational living. There's no privacy or autonomy.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.
Do you have friends , is there a senior center nearby to get out and make friends ?
Maybe a bit more information from your story may help get more suggestions .
Like what are your complaints ? What are you accused of being negative about ?