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VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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If I read this right you lost your husband , so you are grieving that loss . Strokes are also scary and can often be followed by depression . Perhaps talk to your doctor about that and/or a therapist . You have experienced loss of a spouse and strokes are significant health events . You’ve also moved in with your daughter , so you’ve given up your home . You may have also given up driving ( maybe not) . But you have had big changes in your life . That’s hard .
Do you have friends , is there a senior center nearby to get out and make friends ?
Maybe a bit more information from your story may help get more suggestions . Like what are your complaints ? What are you accused of being negative about ?
Negativity and complaining is hard to live with for those listening to it. Especially that you're living with your daughter now which can cause stress on its own. Try listening to yourself when you speak. What are you talking about? What tone are you using? Are you bringing up unpleasant subjects frequently, news topics that are difficult to talk about, political views you differ on, prices, how things "used to be in your day", things like that? My mother was a glass half empty person. She complained about people, friends, family members, her child, her husband, everything. People were out to get her, insult her, they were jealous of her, etc. I cannot recall ever hearing her say something nice unless she was complimenting a stranger. When I'd ask her to stop complaining, she'd get belligerent and say, "I'm not complaing, I'm TALKING." If she wanted to spend time with me or her grandchildren, she needed to stop TALKING about negative and hateful things all the time. It sucks the life out a person and the joy out of the room.
If you're depressed, visit a grief support group where you can vent all you'd like. Seek out a therapist who's paid to listen to complaints and to help guide you to be more positive. Otherwise, you risk your relationship with your daughter. You may also want to think about living in your own place. There is a LOT to be said for autonomy for seniors and being able to do as you please w/o comments from those you live with. I'm sure not everything your "roommates" say and do makes you happy. That's the downside of Multigenerational living. There's no privacy or autonomy.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.
Yes. You can stop complaining and being negative. I know that is flippant, but you are fortunate that your daughter was honest enough to give you a chance to fix the problem.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband, and the need to leave your home. But it is kind and generous of your daughter to invite you to live with her. She didn't have to. She doesn't need to continue.
If your personalities don't mesh well, and you feel like treating her with dignity, respect, and kindness are too difficult, consider moving to senior community.
Have you developed a social life aside from your daughter, in your new location? If not, that will help both of you. If you're not able to drive any more, look into transportation offered by your local government for seniors, as well as Uber and maybe the local bus system.
Are there specific things that you feel negative about, that we can offer suggestions about solving?
Susaneleanor, nothing to add except I commend you for your willingness to confront a possible negative or unhelpful habit and make any needed changes to maintain and improve important relationships. Brava! 😊👍
You can fix your negativity by focusing on all that you have to be grateful for. In fact I highly recommend you keeping what I call a "grateful notebook" where every day you write at least 5 things that you are thankful/grateful for. You'll be amazed how quickly your attitude will change if you do that. I've been writing in one for years and it keeps me focused on the positive, so I hope you'll give it a shot.
I read an article years ago that said when you get up in the morning, be thankful for something. After time, you will realize that you have more blessings than not.
I think complaining is a habit. So think before you say anything. It could be something like "this soup needs salt". Right there you have criticized you daughters cooking. Just ask for the salt. You are going to need to go cold turkey. No complaints what so ever.
Do as much as you can for yourself. Make caring for you easy, not a burden to your daughter. Really, after years of not living together, its hard for mothers and daughters to live together. Remember, the house is your daughters. You are very lucky that your being welcomed into your daughters home.
eagerly look for social outlets other than your daughter. If you drive, go to local senior center M-F and take free classes on chair yoga, Zumba, games, whatever interests you. Or just have a coffee and conversation with other seniors there. Just get out of the house and expect nothing from your daughter. Be as independent as possible. Tell your daughter you love her and appreciate being able to live with her but you need time and space to yourself and retreat and stay in your area of the home. Sweep the house. Vacuum. Tend the pets. Clean the kitchen and bathroom. Do laundry and fold the clothes. If you are able, could you manage the house and pet care and mail etc to give your daughter a 2-3 day vacation every month? Even if she doesn’t go anywhere. You are the competent pet sitter and housekeeper so she doesn’t have to worry. Stay out of her hair. Be a competent, as possible, teammate. Not a dependent child. Let her vent and don’t make things about you. If she has preferences, respect them. Even if it’s not what you would do in your home. If you could be living alone, I assume you would be. Live by your daughter’s rules and be grateful. Do whatever you can to help her and don’t complain. If she suggests Alf or nursing home, be a part of the solution. Go look and help make decisions. Don’t make anything harder for her. Even if it inconveniences you.
Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry for your illness. But I wonder if now you should be living with daughter? While it seems a comfort, it well may not be, and it may injure your relationship. She has sustained her own loss, and she may not, deep inside herself, wish to take on your care. She isn't responsible for the loss of her dad, your husband; she can't fix it. She is trying to deal with her own and your grief, and can't change it. You are both grieving and trying to deal with changes. Both helpless. Both in pain.
I would now consider, if your assets can sustain such a thing, going to ALF where you will find many others going through the same stage of life, and sustaining the same losses--they are people who will empathize, sympathize, love you, but who will not try to take on and change your grief.
Firstly, and fast, I would visit your doctor and ask if now might not be a good time to try a low dose anti -depressant to give you a bridge over these troubled waters. I would keep complaints from daughter and share your feeling with friends or with a pastor or a therapist (cognitive, not talk therapy, and in person, not online).
Of COURSE you are often negative now. You are in emotional pain, physical changes and great fear as to what grief is coming at you next. You will want to grab at dependency; and people facing their own trauma will shrink away.
My brother, when he was in ALF used to joke that they sat on the grounds, the lot of them, gathered round the gazebo, and they watched the hearses and ambulances come and go and discussed their ills and their losses. And that was for the most part their entertainment until time for bingo. He made a kind of joke of it. But when we reach a certain age (I am 83 and KNOW this) it is pretty much all about losses, aches, pains and the attempts at humor to give us the will to persevere. And when you are looking straight into the eyes of the loss of your life companion, and immediate grief, then humor is impossible to get hold of.
You know, if you share with a friend or therapist, they will listen and understand and give suggestions, but our CHILDREN pick up our luggage. They feel responsible. Yet they cannot help us. And this helplessness eventually translates into fury and rage. They are suffering, but they feel so many expectations to address our OWN.
I know. It's lots to think about. Wish we were sitting around the gazebo talking. And watching the ambulances coming and going. Sharing in the contents of one another's suitcases, yet free not to lug them around.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your helplessness, pain, shame. I can feel your daughter's pain as well. And depression often manifests as anger. I am wishing you luck. I am hoping you will update us on how you are doing.
Consider if you might need treatment for depression as it’s very common following strokes. Build a social life away from your daughter if you haven’t already. Look for the positive in life and focus on it, something we all likely could do better about. I’m sorry for your loss, a huge life change, and wish you peace
Just stop being negative and complaining. Your daughter doesn't want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear senior complaining. Working people are too busy to be bothered with it.
Be grateful and happy you are living with your daughter, and you get up every day. You need a hobby or something to do that you enjoy doing. Don't expect your daughter to be your entertainment.
Wow!! Kind of harsh without really knowing the whole story. 1) it could be the daughter doesn’t have any patience & empathy so it seems like her mom is complaining more than she really is. 2) If it was that easy to be bright & Cheery the whole world would be a better place than it is.
Likely there’s things both sides could do to understand each other & improve the situation.
Daughter….. realize moms world has totally changed. She’s had loss, she has health issues that weigh on her, she’s had to move from her home & in doing so is under someone else’s roof with totally different schedule, like, dislikes, etc. Not being in control of your own life I can only imagine is a very hard adjustment. compassion & empathy could go a long way. Helping her find (if she hasn’t already) places to go, things to do.
Mom….. your daughter has also had loss. She’s brought you into her home hopefully with loving arms. That's a sacrifice for her too even if she truly loves you & wants to help. It changes her schedule, privacy as well. She may fell you don’t appreciate the efforts she’s making.
We really don’t know if mom is really complaining so much or daughter has no patience. But either way, taking time to talk about it, how each other feels, with a view to understanding each other & making the situation better would be a good idea. Then you can decide what to pursue. ( Finding a senior center to spend time at, going to aDr./therapists, your daughter going to aDr./therapist or changing living arrangements.)
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Do you have friends , is there a senior center nearby to get out and make friends ?
Maybe a bit more information from your story may help get more suggestions .
Like what are your complaints ? What are you accused of being negative about ?
If you're depressed, visit a grief support group where you can vent all you'd like. Seek out a therapist who's paid to listen to complaints and to help guide you to be more positive. Otherwise, you risk your relationship with your daughter. You may also want to think about living in your own place. There is a LOT to be said for autonomy for seniors and being able to do as you please w/o comments from those you live with. I'm sure not everything your "roommates" say and do makes you happy. That's the downside of Multigenerational living. There's no privacy or autonomy.
Best of luck to you, and my condolences on the loss of your dear husband.
I'm very sorry about the loss of your husband, and the need to leave your home. But it is kind and generous of your daughter to invite you to live with her. She didn't have to. She doesn't need to continue.
If your personalities don't mesh well, and you feel like treating her with dignity, respect, and kindness are too difficult, consider moving to senior community.
Have you developed a social life aside from your daughter, in your new location? If not, that will help both of you. If you're not able to drive any more, look into transportation offered by your local government for seniors, as well as Uber and maybe the local bus system.
Are there specific things that you feel negative about, that we can offer suggestions about solving?
I've been writing in one for years and it keeps me focused on the positive, so I hope you'll give it a shot.
I think complaining is a habit. So think before you say anything. It could be something like "this soup needs salt". Right there you have criticized you daughters cooking. Just ask for the salt. You are going to need to go cold turkey. No complaints what so ever.
Do as much as you can for yourself. Make caring for you easy, not a burden to your daughter. Really, after years of not living together, its hard for mothers and daughters to live together. Remember, the house is your daughters. You are very lucky that your being welcomed into your daughters home.
I would now consider, if your assets can sustain such a thing, going to ALF where you will find many others going through the same stage of life, and sustaining the same losses--they are people who will empathize, sympathize, love you, but who will not try to take on and change your grief.
Firstly, and fast, I would visit your doctor and ask if now might not be a good time to try a low dose anti -depressant to give you a bridge over these troubled waters.
I would keep complaints from daughter and share your feeling with friends or with a pastor or a therapist (cognitive, not talk therapy, and in person, not online).
Of COURSE you are often negative now.
You are in emotional pain, physical changes and great fear as to what grief is coming at you next.
You will want to grab at dependency; and people facing their own trauma will shrink away.
My brother, when he was in ALF used to joke that they sat on the grounds, the lot of them, gathered round the gazebo, and they watched the hearses and ambulances come and go and discussed their ills and their losses. And that was for the most part their entertainment until time for bingo.
He made a kind of joke of it. But when we reach a certain age (I am 83 and KNOW this) it is pretty much all about losses, aches, pains and the attempts at humor to give us the will to persevere. And when you are looking straight into the eyes of the loss of your life companion, and immediate grief, then humor is impossible to get hold of.
You know, if you share with a friend or therapist, they will listen and understand and give suggestions, but our CHILDREN pick up our luggage. They feel responsible. Yet they cannot help us. And this helplessness eventually translates into fury and rage. They are suffering, but they feel so many expectations to address our OWN.
I know. It's lots to think about. Wish we were sitting around the gazebo talking. And watching the ambulances coming and going. Sharing in the contents of one another's suitcases, yet free not to lug them around.
My heart goes out to you. I feel your helplessness, pain, shame. I can feel your daughter's pain as well. And depression often manifests as anger.
I am wishing you luck. I am hoping you will update us on how you are doing.
Just stop being negative and complaining. Your daughter doesn't want to hear it. Nobody wants to hear senior complaining. Working people are too busy to be bothered with it.
Be grateful and happy you are living with your daughter, and you get up every day. You need a hobby or something to do that you enjoy doing. Don't expect your daughter to be your entertainment.
Maybe ask your doctor about an anti-depressant?
1) it could be the daughter doesn’t have any patience & empathy so it seems like her mom is complaining more than she really is.
2) If it was that easy to be bright & Cheery the whole world would be a better place than it is.
Likely there’s things both sides could do to understand each other & improve the situation.
Daughter….. realize moms world has totally changed. She’s had loss, she has health issues that weigh on her, she’s had to move from her home & in doing so is under someone else’s roof with totally different schedule, like, dislikes, etc. Not being in control of your own life I can only imagine is a very hard adjustment. compassion & empathy could go a long way. Helping her find (if she hasn’t already) places to go, things to do.
Mom….. your daughter has also had loss. She’s brought you into her home hopefully with loving arms. That's a sacrifice for her too even if she truly loves you & wants to help. It changes her schedule, privacy as well. She may fell you don’t appreciate the efforts she’s making.
We really don’t know if mom is really complaining so much or daughter has no patience. But either way, taking time to talk about it, how each other feels, with a view to understanding each other & making the situation better would be a good idea. Then you can decide what to pursue. ( Finding a senior center to spend time at, going to aDr./therapists, your daughter going to aDr./therapist or changing living arrangements.)