I am a mean aging woman. How can I change? I can't even stand being with myself.

I think you may need more help than we can give. We are a forum of ordinary people Caring for LOs and sharing our experiences.

I would first talk to your doctor to see if your meds are really doing the job. Then get back to those meetings. Maybe you can be put in touch with a therapist that can help you find the reason you are a "mean aging woman".

I really like that you recognize your problem. Thats a good thing. Maybe its a matter of thinking before you speak. Do you expect too much out of people. Like, you are very good about sending cards for Birthdays and special occasions but its not reciprocated. Does that upset u and you expect them to also send you a card? What do you do that pushes people away?

First, I hope you’ll see your doctor. A medical evaluation is in order. Get back into your meetings for sobriety, that’s a support you need (side note, since covid I’ve noticed a nearby AA group meeting outdoors, and now around a fire pit for winter, they’re doing social distancing while also having the meetings and support they need) Another thought is to do things that make you less self focused, reach out with kind acts and communication to others. It’ll help you feel better and more positive while also helping others see that you’re aware of the issues and are seeking to improve. Sometimes I bake bread and take it to friends and family, it helps with my feelings and relationships

You seem to be much like one of my sons. He is generally a very caring and sweet person, but gets angry at small things and lashes out verbally at family members. His current girlfriend and I are the only family now who will talk to him, brother and father long ago gave up. I can't, of course, diagnose him, but I'm sure it's some sort of mental disorder that causes his outbursts. He has only done it once to me and at the very instant he did it, I marched to his house to confront him and by the time I got there he was already saying sorry. My son is also sober now, but what the drinking did to him over the years has to be part of this. I agree with JoAnn, get help from a doctor and return to meetings. What you've done and said already might haunt you, but once you get the help you need, you will find ways to deal with what is past. We can change. I suggest private therapy as well as a doctor"s help and meetings. Friends may return or you find new friends. I wish you the best.

Seeing ourselves as 'sick' is the first step to healing.

Back to therapy--and first check with doc to see that your meds are working. Maybe time for a checkup and change out of meds if these have pooped out on you.

Sheesh---I have to say it takes a lot of courage to put your vulnerabilities out there like that.

Time will heal this kerfuffle--esp if you are apologetic to the woman involved. Does your DH often talk about you to others? I know I will go overboard complaining about my DH and feel awful afterwards. THAT is what my therapist is for, not friends or family.

Sadly, the things that you said people said to you are the exact thing we tell people on this board who are just DONE with angry, cranky family members. I guess we know it works--I'm sorry.

One thing that really helps me when I am feeling angry, cranky, mad, whatever, is to find a service project, small or large that takes me out of my own 'misery'. Doing for others is a great way to lose yourself in other's problems.

I can't fix you, none of us can, but you're aware of your failings and so you're already halfway home.

Good Luck.

((Hugs)) When I am at my most unlovable is when I need the most love.

I am the originator of the question. I wanted to thank you for allowing me to post on your site from the “mean old person” perspective. I found your site from a google search for “mean old person”. I started reading your posts talking about the mean, needy and soul sucking loved ones in your life and, while very painful to see myself in your words, it helped me to realize what I am doing to my loved ones. Thanks again for letting me post even though I am not a care giver.

One doesn't have to be a caregiver to post here. I'm not one myself!

Knowing you have a problem is half the battle. Too many people don't recognize how they act or how upset they are.

One way to figure it out is ask yourself "why?" enough times until you get to the root of it. Yes, just like 3-year-olds who ask why about everything.

"I'm angry!" Why?
"At my friends!" Why?
"They won't talk to me anymore." Why?
"They said I crossed a line." Why?
"I crossed a line because I'm upset with myself and kept taking it out on them." Why?
"Because deep down I'm scared of getting old, being alone." Why?
"Even though I don't want to be alone, I still push people away." Why?
"I push people away because I am afraid they will leave or hurt me somehow. So I have to do it to them first, so they won't do it to me." Why?
"Because I don't feel like I deserve any love or friends and people in my past hurt me like this, so I am always on guard and angry."

There's a ton of "why" after that, but I think you get the idea. Not saying this is how you truly feel, just an example.

While you do your mental homework, maybe ask your doctor about altering your meds. I'm on meds also for depression/anxiety (runs in my family) and sometimes meds get less effective over time.

Actually you are allowing us to see the other side. Helping us understand why women become "mean" people.

Auntdebbie,
From what I understand, you do need to go to meetings to do the work of recovery. Otherwise, you have just removed the alcohol from your life, not the behaviors that caused you to drink in the first place.
Contact SAMSHA online, call their hotline, reaching out is so much better than lashing out.

Additionally, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (even online) can help those moods.
Once you have practiced a technique, you can actually do something to defuse that lashing out explosion that is always just beneath the surface.
You might be experiencing what is common, but treatable in recovering alcoholics, called Dry Drunk Syndrome.
Internet....
What is a Dry Drunk?
In order to understand what a dry drunk is, you must first understand dry drunk syndrome. This is a term that comes from 12 Step recovery groups, like Alcoholics Anonymous. It means that the individual is no longer drinking, but still exhibiting the same behaviors. These dry drunk behaviors might come out as anger and resentment, among other behaviors.
The only real change that has been made is to remove the alcohol. This has been done successfully. Changing the behaviors has not been done successfully. As you can imagine, this can make living with a dry drunk quite unbearable.
“Drunk” in this context is a set of disruptive or destructive negative behaviors stemming from a pathological condition caused by past alcohol abuse.

I want to say that it is a betrayal to have your friend and husband texting each other, talking about you behind your back. That does hurt, and you may have discovered something, OR, just did not go to your husband privately for an explanation. however, it is you who has to fix yourself, before you can work on your marriage. Call for help, now.

Do you need the number for SAMSHA? I could get it for you. That is your answer, because you really do not want to hit bottom, it is much farther down than you already are. And so far to come back up.

And, thanks for reaching out here. Give yourself a break, after the hardships of Covid, and now threatening winter weather. Anyone. without your history would be overwhelmed, and find it depressing overall. So you are not alone. Even though I have never drank alcohol, I have some friends who are still in recovery for a lifetime. The people in AA help them, and having a sponsor helps them too. Imagine yourself, going out to dinner as soon as restaurants open up, having friends, having a time away from your husband, making a life where it does not matter if he chooses to do his thing while you recover. And hoping he is still there with you as you get better and better. And you can.

You might even get over being mean.

You can do this, it won't take you long, since you are now motivated to stop being angry.

Posting this here because it may help others:

What is SAMHSA’s National Helpline?
SAMHSA’s National Helpline, 1-800-662-HELP (4357), (also known as the Treatment Referral Routing Service) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889 is a confidential, free, 24-hour-a-day, 365-day-a-year, information service, in English and Spanish, for individuals and family members facing mental and/or substance use disorders. This service provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations. Callers can also order free publications and other information.

Can I ask you a question? You say you've been sober since 1987. So you are not an active alcoholic anymore. Here is my question.
Is it possible that you are what is known as a 'dry drunk'? Which is an alcoholic who has quit drinking but did not change any of the behaviors that come with alcoholism? Please for your own sake start going to back to meetings. Even if you do them online because of Covid restrictions. Bottom line, you need to get back in a recovery program.
If you were ever in AA then you've got a copy of the Blue Book. Start reading that again because it will help. You don't need to end it or lash out. My friend, you need to start being honest with yourself and make amends as best you can to the people in your life who have suffered because of your behavior. This will set you free. Then start going back to AA meetings regularly.

sorry, I find that totally unacceptable. I would be very upset, and feel very betrayed by both my husband and my friend, if I found out they were talking behind my back about me. Lashing out about that for me is a normal reaction, and not due to any addiction.

As for your past addiction, and behavior connected to it, I am not qualified to give an opinion about. :)

I hope you can get past this and get better soon. I wish you all the best.

[[[[[Hugs]]]]] 🐻

Life's a bitch and people are awful. We all put so much stock into friendship, a spouse is supposed to be more significant. That said- what does your husband not know about you yet to make him think it'd be acceptable to talk about you with your friend behind your back?
How does he not know better? With people like that in your life, you don't need enemies!
Honey, this isn't an alcohol issue, doesn't sound like a drug issue either. You're way past all that. Unless you think you're not past it all.
You got yourself used to a certain way of thinking and being, you've been conditioned. Like they say, old habits die hard. Our attitudes are just as much habits as our vices. And although the older we get the harder it is to change our ways- the good news is that it is possible. But that's a choice YOU have to make, it's wholly up to you.
I know I'm old now but I was still a teenager(barely) when you stopped drinking. Just being honest- if my math is right then you should be getting close to retirement age, thinking about your golden years and planning cross country RV trips but instead you're having to deal with backstabbing friends and a clueless husband. He needs to get some act right.
I've lost a lot of family members and the person by their side as life ebbed away was their spouse. Not their friends. It's great to have companionship and an advocate but if you can't trust that person wholeheartedly then what's the point? Trust is earned.
Sorry if it's not very good advice but - they should know better. The world has changed. If I'm stuck in a lockdown or stuck in life with you then don't do stuff that makes me not like you. Life's hard enough without all the extra. All the best to you.
I'm adding this to make sure I'm emphasizing it adequately. This has nothing to do with alcohol. Unless YOU think you have a problem more than 30 yrs later. If meetings were the answer for everyone, we'd have it made in the shade. It's perplexing that so many ppl jumped the gun here, get back to meetings, here's a national hotline. Blah blah blah Hopefully it's just this thread and not society as a whole that's over the top hypersensitive. Awareness is great but being hypersensitive about it only serves to minimize a real problem that some people experience. Like my dad, for instance.
Next, I'd say about 80-85% of our population needs behavior modification/ counseling/ therapy and not all are because of drugs and/ or alcohol either. Btw, that percentage is on the low side. Who isn't relying on something these days to get through it anyway? The aging community especially rely on things like insulin, nebulizers, oxygen, benzos, thyroid meds.. etc you get the picture. They don't all need AA meetings. They need God and exercise. And most ppl could use some therapy too. Which, if you think about it, is just a more detailed version of a closed AA meeting.

You say you are on meds for mood disorders. Have these medications made you BETTER or made you WORSE, or has there been no change. Many medications used to treat depression have the side effect of loosening the tongue, and of making one quick to anger. In fact some side effects include violent acting out. So first suggestion I have is to speak with your therapist/MD about the medications you are on, and your impulsivity.
As to your having a reaction to coming in on being discussed by others, I would say that SOME reaction is understandable, even appropriate. Certainly it is time to sit down with the two and say "Let's discuss together all you have to say about me; let's see where your honest opinion may help me, and where I think you are just entertaining yourselves by gossiping."
I want to say lastly that you have come to us asking how you can be less "mean". That shows an honest intent to gain some perspective, to understand yourself, to learn different ways to react.
Have you tried talk therapy, cognitive therapy at all? I recommend it.
And yes, yes, yes. You will know, if you are familiar with AA, the term "dry drunk". You might consider DOING THE WORK, getting back to AA. You would be welcome.
Congratulations on the since 1987. Wow! Congratulations, and the best of luck. I admire your honestly and your intent to change your own life. You will be so much happier if you are able to do so. We become so very comfortable with our own behavior, and it is so difficult to break our own habits. I remember after doing a lot of work with a counselor on my own problem, being met in the hall by a supervisor who said "Alva, what's happened with you! It's like you have had an epiphany". It's been my favorite word ever since that several decades ago day. So my advice is, keep trying. It is so lovely to be praised instead of criticizes. You have an INTENT to change. That is a HUGE STEP.

There’s nothing wrong with being alone. But if you love & miss the people you’ve cut ties with then take the step by contacting them, simply saying you’re sorry & that you miss them. If they feel the same, things can get back on track. On the other hand if you prefer being alone, besides your husband, then just plan your future. There may be no one to take care of you if you fall for instance. So consider & visit places where you would like to live such as assisted living. Also make sure you like & learn all about the associated facility while you have your faculties because they will be the ones caring for you. I don’t think that’s so bad if you already know it’s a good place with professionally & friendly people. Either way, as we get older we need a plan for our care in the times we can’t do it ourselves. Good luck :)