I have been on disability due to mental stress/ health issues. Live with husband and 31yr. old son who drinks. Days b4 he went to hospital police were called on son,verbal abuse. We agreed son couldn't live here unless he stopped drinking. We agreed all thru his hospital n rehab stay. Was released from rehab facility and was walking n going to bathroom with help. Long story short, gets home, stops walking,using adult diapers.He lets son come back,now I do all the caring n work involved.Son does least possible, leaves sees him 4 20mins.a day. Lives here. Is abusive, toward me. Now husband is very ill and and is abusive toward me.I do everything for husband. neglecting myself. The son,is only person that talks to him.
Now, husband sides with son, takes car keys, says I owe it to him. 3 other grown children want nothing 2 do with him. This 1 son and husband have always been nasty toward me. Got much worse. Marriage was on the way out b4 hospital. My family in another state welcomes me.I am feeling beaten down n trapped. Now it's 2 against 1 plus I have to care for an immobile 350lb man.Called office on Aging, I get sympathy. I need 2 know my rights. I am physically and mentally not capable of taking care of him.Both are very verbally abusive. I can't do it! The situation is volatile and I need to leave,4 my sake as well as his. 3yrs. ago I was an inpatient due to stress. Finally started slowly getting better and now this.I also have back,heart, n other physical conditions. Can anyone recommend who 2 contact? I livein N J.I need help not sympathy. Husband also refuses physical therapy, will not let me bathe him, over a month. He wants 2 sit n be served while doing nothing 2 help himself get better, putting the blame on me because he says I upset him ( when I change his wet bedding,ask to bathroom him,to try 2 walk) etc. Turns it on me, like I'm the bad person. For God sakes,over a month of not be bathed, n son sees nothing wrong, says not his responsibility. I need real help. This situation will kill me . Help,anything, .#s, suggestions, is it legal to leave? His son is capable to care for him, he doesn't want to. He would rather be his buddy for 20mins a day n get drunk at night.It's 2 against 1. What are my rights? I am disabled n the facility that released him knows that. I asked, "what if I can't do it". The answer was " then you can't do it" his 20 paid Medicare days were up. Alot going on here ....There has to be help out there 4 me, but where? Also we rent, the rug in the bedroom is too hard for me to explain... What are my rights? Where do I start? Should I just Leave? I'm not able to deal with this situation.
When the day comes for you to leave you will be nervous and maybe afraid that is normal. Do Not Give In To Those Feelings! Act as normal as possibly. Don't tell husband or son. Just have a plan to leave and leave. Trust me you will be scared and full of doubts, but once you are on the road you will feel relief. You may start to cry that is ok, however, if your driving just pull over and cry then once your done start driving again.
As for everything else don't worry about it until you get to where you are going! First thing first, get out safely. Remember one step at a time that is all it takes.
May God be with you.
Hugs!!
I'm sure we'd all love an update when you have a moment.
I think we all agree that you should not be in your situation. Bottom line, just go. You deserve better! Take care.
And DON'T go back.
Pack
Exit, with cat + dog.
Live with out-of-state family.
Telephone/Contact NJ adult services.
NO Contact with the 350 lbs + 31 yr old.
DON'T go back
You will not go to jail......
Divorce from a distance, online?
At first you were ready to get up and leave...just do it.
Please keep us updated as you work your plan to free yourself from these two abusive men.
There is no money I am assuming in a large estate of any kind so whether or not you divorce at this time is totally meaningless and without mattering. What DOES matter is that you get away at once. You owe nothing to an abusive set that is there. Your son and his drinking problem will soon enough put the husband where he belongs, in the hands of the State and in some kind of care.
You say your family in another state WELCOMES you. GO THERE AT ONCE would be my advice. Do not look back. Then take care of yourself. As this is another State you will have to reach out to Social Services to help you apply for your disability in another State. It may not be as difficult as you assume.
Not everyone is worthy of our sacrifice and care; the two you mention most certainly are not. This is not a matter of guilt, this is a matter of saving yourself. The choice, to be frank, is now ALL YOURS.
You don't need an attorney to FILE FOR DIVORCE divide marital property at an equal 50/50 you're married so when you vacate grab your favorite car, or whatever is in your name so Medicaid doesn't think the divorce is a way to shift more valuable assets onto you:
https://www.lsnjlaw.org/Publications/Pages/Manuals/DivorceGuide.pdf
IF it's too overwhelming and you decide not to file for DIVORCE THEN... You have abuse documented through that police report and your medical history.
Filial laws are what = delaying you.... Since he hasn't been approved for NJ Medicaid, his son will be liable, and other offspring will be liable for his care. "Filial Responsibility in NJ: Adult Children Supporting Aging Parents. New Jersey is 1 of 29 states to have a filial responsibility law. What is it? Basically, children have a legal responsibility to support their parents when their parents are incapable of financially taking care of themselves." Medicaid will look into all finances and joint property owned...When he is approved...... In the meantime..
You must contact Adult social services/protective services:
https://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/home/adultpsp.html
Not knowing in which county you reside:
the Main State Office
NJ Department of Human Services
Division of Aging Services
PO Box 812
Trenton, NJ 08625-0812
Phone: 609-588-6501 or 800-792-8820
After Hrs: 911 or local police
or...
https://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/services/aps/
A spouse that has filed a retraining order elevates their case to an abuse matter, but that usually involves a NJ court date for its final order... that would require you to vacate that house and you to file a restraining order...with your local court ...if you would like more information or have other domestic violence related questions, please call the Staff Attorney at the New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence (NJCEDV) at (609) 584-8107
..and read more here https://www.njcedv.org/know-your-rights/
Run!!!
Also, make sure your relatives know that your alcoholic son may NOT come live with them, and if he tries to contact them, they are to ignore him (ex hubby, too). As soon as he figures out he's stuck with Jabba the Hut he may want to flee. Hope neither of those 2 know the address of your relative's home. Don't volunteer this info. The less they know, the better. You are not responsible for their happiness and wellbeing. Just take care of yourself.
There is a law that says if you receive something in writing and you do not contest it in writing within 30 days you have basically agreed to what you received. That is nutshelling it but that is what it means.
Most people don't know about this and companies bank on that fact. That's why written is always best, I prefer to send items through the mail with delivery confirmation so there is no denying receipt.
I think this would be effective if the police were involved and gave her protection as she moved out, how crummy would the landlord look trying to collect from a battered woman that can't even safely live there.
1(800) 799-SAFE
https://www.thehotline.org/contact/
The website says that they are able to link up people facing threats in their domestic situations with local resources, and also advise regarding planning to leave safely.
I will call, thanks again..!!
I may have missed this suggestion in other posts but you may want to discreetly contact a local women's shelter for advice or at least have their phone number handy. Perhaps you might even go to shelter/safe house sort of place temporarily before going to your family if it seems easier or safer for you.
Get out, but please be cautious.
Take the recordings to adult protective services and ask if they can help you get these two placed in a facility. Of course, you would have to talk to a dr first to find out if they both meet medical requirements for a facility. They would be paying until they reach a certain income/bank account level, then perhaps eligible for Medicaid beds. Let APS know that things were not good in t he marriage before health got worse for both of them and their verbal abuse is too much to continue for you. They may be able to guide you
One will lie, the other will swear to it. His father taught him. And yes, I can record. I have 3 already.I need to listen to them. So, just asking a question is considered provoking ?
I didn't know that! How are you supposed to communicate? If I ask what do you want to eat?? It's all good, but if I ask if I can change the bedding, I'm harassing him. That's where the verbal abuse starts. It's a fair question, isn't it?
Call the local Area Agency on Aging tomorrow. Tell them that your physical health is in jeopardy and that you are leaving a vulnerable senior at home in the care of his abusive alcoholic son.
Then leave and go to your family. Get healthy.
Thank you...AAA ? Will call..
So, learn from my mistakes, and call an ambulance to get your husband re-admitted into a hospital... for renal failure symptoms.....
OR....perhaps, the best for your husband might be to:
BARKER ACT him (police or EMS can Barker Act him): New Jersey has the following as a guideline a person "must be a danger to self/others/property; danger to self, includes the inability, without assistance, to satisfy need for nourishment, essential medical care or shelter. Under the New Jersey law, the determination shall take into account a person’s HISTORY, recent behavior and any recent act, threat or serious psychiatric deterioration. Must be unwilling to be admitted voluntarily, and be in need of treatment." N.J. STAT. ANN. § 30:4-27
Barker Act = He is a danger to himself. Your post indicates medically necessary intervention, since he is refusing or unable to care for himself: Incontinence can be a symptom of renal failure (kidney disease), which a blood test can be used to diagnose.
Your husband stopped walking, although long-term care might have had similar results....So don't blame anyone other than your husband.....I know from experience that walking must happen more than once per week. He doesn't have cognitive capabilities to understand that his deterioration is due to his decisions.....
Incontinence is a sign of kidney issues or something smaller, a UTI, which equates to the possibility that a minimally a urinalysis is needed. UTIs don't always exhibit obvious painful symptoms.
All in all an admit or re-admit into a facility is needed. for BOTH your husband's and your well-being. (Pack your bags...grab the cat + dog +plants and call EMS +police to Barker ACT him....) Go to your out-of-state family 🐣
Sidebar: Perhaps your son needs to vacate since, your landlord might evict due to new tenant living in home; your son isn't part of the original lease?
unconscious (that's when I called 911) That's how it all started. Now almost 3 months later,he is home and 1 by 1 refusing the VNA nurses except for 1 wound care who doesn't seem to care. Does the job and leaves. This is insane. I will end up ruining my health.
I am so sorry to hear that had a stroke at such a young age. Dealing with this I understand how it can happen.Under the best health and circumstances this would be hard. My mental and physical health are already impaired. Thank you for replying and concern. There HAS to be a way for me to get out of this situation, without all the red tape involved.. Hoping your health and peace of mind have improved ! Thank you again..!
My uncle who weighed 300 lbs put his wife through a torture chamber for many many YEARS doing the exact same thing your DH is doing to you, but w/o the added misery of an alcoholic son living there. She waited on him hand & foot while he sat in a recliner and refused to even get up to use the bathroom! He wound up being rushed to the ER one day with cirrhosis of the liver (non-alcohol related) and died about 6 months later. My Aunt was relieved, frankly, and finally free of a situation SHE should have ended a DECADE ago. Now the best years of HER life are over..........don't wind up there yourself, ok? Make a decision that's right for YOU and let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps it's time for sonny boy to look after his own dad now. They can either help one another or choose to circle the drain together......their choice, not yours
Best of luck!
Thank you for replying. I truly appreciate your time and concern.
When you leave make sure you have at least 2 people (preferably men) with you so your abusers can't intimidate you, plus you will have witnesses to any of their behaviors. If things get ugly, call in the cops. Leaving doesn't equal divorce, so maybe they just need a wake-up call but if you return be prepared for the abuse to probably go into high gear since returning means he still has control over you to some degree. You need to clear your head and figure out how to move forward. Wishing you peace and confidence and strength to do a very hard thing.
But with who??? Social Services? The VNA is no help. I tried telling these nurses and it's always a different nurse they send out.
Let me read your suggestion again. Social Services I haven't contacted yet. I will try calling them. Again thank you , I appreciate your reply very much.