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I have been on disability due to mental stress/ health issues. Live with husband and 31yr. old son who drinks. Days b4 he went to hospital police were called on son,verbal abuse. We agreed son couldn't live here unless he stopped drinking. We agreed all thru his hospital n rehab stay. Was released from rehab facility and was walking n going to bathroom with help. Long story short, gets home, stops walking,using adult diapers.He lets son come back,now I do all the caring n work involved.Son does least possible, leaves sees him 4 20mins.a day. Lives here. Is abusive, toward me. Now husband is very ill and and is abusive toward me.I do everything for husband. neglecting myself. The son,is only person that talks to him.
Now, husband sides with son, takes car keys, says I owe it to him. 3 other grown children want nothing 2 do with him. This 1 son and husband have always been nasty toward me. Got much worse. Marriage was on the way out b4 hospital. My family in another state welcomes me.I am feeling beaten down n trapped. Now it's 2 against 1 plus I have to care for an immobile 350lb man.Called office on Aging, I get sympathy. I need 2 know my rights. I am physically and mentally not capable of taking care of him.Both are very verbally abusive. I can't do it! The situation is volatile and I need to leave,4 my sake as well as his. 3yrs. ago I was an inpatient due to stress. Finally started slowly getting better and now this.I also have back,heart, n other physical conditions. Can anyone recommend who 2 contact? I livein N J.I need help not sympathy. Husband also refuses physical therapy, will not let me bathe him, over a month. He wants 2 sit n be served while doing nothing 2 help himself get better, putting the blame on me because he says I upset him ( when I change his wet bedding,ask to bathroom him,to try 2 walk) etc. Turns it on me, like I'm the bad person. For God sakes,over a month of not be bathed, n son sees nothing wrong, says not his responsibility. I need real help. This situation will kill me . Help,anything, .#s, suggestions, is it legal to leave? His son is capable to care for him, he doesn't want to. He would rather be his buddy for 20mins a day n get drunk at night.It's 2 against 1. What are my rights? I am disabled n the facility that released him knows that. I asked, "what if I can't do it". The answer was " then you can't do it" his 20 paid Medicare days were up. Alot going on here ....There has to be help out there 4 me, but where? Also we rent, the rug in the bedroom is too hard for me to explain... What are my rights? Where do I start? Should I just Leave? I'm not able to deal with this situation.

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Pack a case, leave the house, go to your supportive family. From there, call the social services person you have already been in touch with and tell her that your disabled 350lb husband is alone in the house with his able-bodied 31 year old son, but that the son abuses alcohol and the father is therefore in need of a risk assessment. APS can take it from there.

And DON'T go back.
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Screennamed Aug 14, 2019
CountryMouse always gives great logical information.
Pack
Exit, with cat + dog.
Live with out-of-state family.
Telephone/Contact NJ adult services.
NO Contact with the 350 lbs + 31 yr old.
DON'T go back
You will not go to jail......
Divorce from a distance, online?
At first you were ready to get up and leave...just do it.
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Short and sweet, yes, you should JUST LEAVE.
There is no money I am assuming in a large estate of any kind so whether or not you divorce at this time is totally meaningless and without mattering. What DOES matter is that you get away at once. You owe nothing to an abusive set that is there. Your son and his drinking problem will soon enough put the husband where he belongs, in the hands of the State and in some kind of care.
You say your family in another state WELCOMES you. GO THERE AT ONCE would be my advice. Do not look back. Then take care of yourself. As this is another State you will have to reach out to Social Services to help you apply for your disability in another State. It may not be as difficult as you assume.
Not everyone is worthy of our sacrifice and care; the two you mention most certainly are not. This is not a matter of guilt, this is a matter of saving yourself. The choice, to be frank, is now ALL YOURS.
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Realanswers: SILENCE will save your life....
You don't need an attorney to FILE FOR DIVORCE divide marital property at an equal 50/50 you're married so when you vacate grab your favorite car, or whatever is in your name so Medicaid doesn't think the divorce is a way to shift more valuable assets onto you:
https://www.lsnjlaw.org/Publications/Pages/Manuals/DivorceGuide.pdf

IF it's too overwhelming and you decide not to file for DIVORCE THEN... You have abuse documented through that police report and your medical history.

Filial laws are what = delaying you.... Since he hasn't been approved for NJ Medicaid, his son will be liable, and other offspring will be liable for his care. "Filial Responsibility in NJ: Adult Children Supporting Aging Parents. New Jersey is 1 of 29 states to have a filial responsibility law. What is it? Basically, children have a legal responsibility to support their parents when their parents are incapable of financially taking care of themselves." Medicaid will look into all finances and joint property owned...When he is approved...... In the meantime..

You must contact Adult social services/protective services:
https://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/home/adultpsp.html

Not knowing in which county you reside:
the Main State Office 
NJ Department of Human Services
Division of Aging Services
PO Box 812
Trenton, NJ 08625-0812
Phone: 609-588-6501 or 800-792-8820
After Hrs: 911 or local police
or...

https://www.state.nj.us/humanservices/doas/services/aps/

A spouse that has filed a retraining order elevates their case to an abuse matter, but that usually involves a NJ court date for its final order... that would require you to vacate that house and you to file a restraining order...with your local court ...if you would like more information or have other domestic violence related questions, please call the Staff Attorney at the New Jersey Coalition to End Domestic Violence (NJCEDV) at (609) 584-8107
..and read more here https://www.njcedv.org/know-your-rights/

Run!!!
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NeedHelpWithMom Aug 12, 2019
Great answer!
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Me too, STOP... I had a similar situation which resulted in my stroke CVA.... You must stop because your health will implode. 48 years old and I had a stroke.....psychological torture ruined my brain, I couldn't take care of myself in conjunction with caring for others who were abusive, and exploitative 🐙.... And I'm a counselor...was a counselor. I couldn't see how the abuse affected me until after my body gave-up. Don't be me.....save your self,...please.

So, learn from my mistakes, and call an ambulance to get your husband re-admitted into a hospital... for renal failure symptoms.....

OR....perhaps, the best for your husband might be to:

BARKER ACT him (police or EMS can Barker Act him): New Jersey has the following as a guideline a person "must be a danger to self/others/property; danger to self, includes the inability, without assistance, to satisfy need for nourishment, essential medical care or shelter. Under the New Jersey law, the determination shall take into account a person’s HISTORY, recent behavior and any recent act, threat or serious psychiatric deterioration. Must be unwilling to be admitted voluntarily, and be in need of treatment." N.J. STAT. ANN. § 30:4-27

Barker Act = He is a danger to himself. Your post indicates medically necessary intervention, since he is refusing or unable to care for himself: Incontinence can be a symptom of renal failure (kidney disease), which a blood test can be used to diagnose.

Your husband stopped walking, although long-term care might have had similar results....So don't blame anyone other than your husband.....I know from experience that walking must happen more than once per week. He doesn't have cognitive capabilities to understand that his deterioration is due to his decisions.....
Incontinence is a sign of kidney issues or something smaller, a UTI, which equates to the possibility that a minimally a urinalysis is needed. UTIs don't always exhibit obvious painful symptoms.

All in all an admit or re-admit into a facility is needed. for BOTH your husband's and your well-being. (Pack your bags...grab the cat + dog +plants and call EMS +police to Barker ACT him....) Go to your out-of-state family 🐣

Sidebar: Perhaps your son needs to vacate since, your landlord might evict due to new tenant living in home; your son isn't part of the original lease?
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Realanswers Aug 11, 2019
Can I re-admit him without his consent.??? The reason I ask is, he had a visiting Dr. come to the house. The Dr. said he should be hospitalized and he refused.The Dr. said there's nothing I can do if he refuses. And he kept on refusing until he was basically

unconscious (that's when I called 911) That's how it all started. Now almost 3 months later,he is home and 1 by 1 refusing the VNA nurses except for 1 wound care who doesn't seem to care. Does the job and leaves. This is insane. I will end up ruining my health.
I am so sorry to hear that had a stroke at such a young age. Dealing with this I understand how it can happen.Under the best health and circumstances this would be hard. My mental and physical health are already impaired. Thank you for replying and concern. There HAS to be a way for me to get out of this situation, without all the red tape involved.. Hoping your health and peace of mind have improved ! Thank you again..!
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Real, so what if someone thinks that you're a bad person. You're not.

Call the local Area Agency on Aging tomorrow. Tell them that your physical health is in jeopardy and that you are leaving a vulnerable senior at home in the care of his abusive alcoholic son.

Then leave and go to your family. Get healthy.
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Realanswers Aug 11, 2019
This is my problem. I over think. But then I know laws concerning leaving a disabled spouse vary from state to state. At first I was ready to get up and leave. People say I should have a lawyer. That I should document everything. I did call the Office on Aging but not the Area Angency on Aging. When your in a situation with 2 abusive manipulative people against 1, I can only wonder if I just leave, will I have peace of mind.. Abusive manipulative people can twist things. I want a clean break,with the law on my side. Or I can just make a few calls and let the chips fall where they may. My health does come first.
Thank you...AAA ? Will call..
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When the abuse starts call the police. When they arrive tell them that you are scared of the drunken son and you want to leave. They should help you and protect you while you gather your things. Then leave. You now have documented proof and a police assist in leaving. Good luck. Don't you think that you have proof that you have been abused by being admitted to the hospital for the psychological effect of the abuse?
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surprise Aug 11, 2019
Yes!
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You have gotten some great advice here. If I may just say, you need to leave now while you still can. Call your out-of-state family member when no one is around or when they are a sleep. Give your self a leaving date. Start thinking about how you can use your check or whatever money you have to get you to where you need to go. Also think how you are going to get to your out-of-state family member's house...a car...the bus...a train! Start gathering important papers and put them in a plastic zip lock bag. Place that bag at the bottom of your suit case or duffel bag. I have always prefer a black plan duffle bag. Easy to carry and does not call for attention to others. Never carry all your cash together. Take some cash and put into a small zip lock bag. Hid that bag somewhere in the suit case or if you use a duffle bag then put your money under the small cardboard that is at the bottom of the bag...make sure the money is flat. If the bag doesn't have one then hid the money within your clothes. Never carry most of your money...only carry what you think you will need. If you are driving then you should hid some money in the car as well...this means you have money hidden in 3 places! Do Not put your money in the glove box. Do understand what I am telling you. Give your family the exact way you will be traveling and by what means...car, bus, train.

When the day comes for you to leave you will be nervous and maybe afraid that is normal. Do Not Give In To Those Feelings! Act as normal as possibly. Don't tell husband or son. Just have a plan to leave and leave. Trust me you will be scared and full of doubts, but once you are on the road you will feel relief. You may start to cry that is ok, however, if your driving just pull over and cry then once your done start driving again.

As for everything else don't worry about it until you get to where you are going! First thing first, get out safely. Remember one step at a time that is all it takes.


May God be with you.

Hugs!!
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Screennamed Aug 15, 2019
Shell38314 ---amazingly written post. With very inspiring content. Hugs to you.
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Why would it be illegal for you to leave an abusive situation? Get out now. Go live with your family who is welcoming you with open arms. Geaton is right, maybe DH just needs a 'wake up call' that you are SERIOUS about no longer being willing to tolerate this nonsense, and will beg you to come back. Maybe not. Who knows? Perhaps give Legal Aid a call to see what your financial rights are.

My uncle who weighed 300 lbs put his wife through a torture chamber for many many YEARS doing the exact same thing your DH is doing to you, but w/o the added misery of an alcoholic son living there. She waited on him hand & foot while he sat in a recliner and refused to even get up to use the bathroom! He wound up being rushed to the ER one day with cirrhosis of the liver (non-alcohol related) and died about 6 months later. My Aunt was relieved, frankly, and finally free of a situation SHE should have ended a DECADE ago. Now the best years of HER life are over..........don't wind up there yourself, ok? Make a decision that's right for YOU and let the chips fall where they may. Perhaps it's time for sonny boy to look after his own dad now. They can either help one another or choose to circle the drain together......their choice, not yours


Best of luck!
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Realanswers Aug 11, 2019
You are right. It IS time for sonny not to take responsibility for his Dad. I give him 2 days of doing what I do and he'll be finished with him. You put it plain and simple. I keep reading things and listening to him and that makes me over think the situation. ( the leagal). It's better to save myself, while I can..Thank you! I hope your Aunt is doing well. I know what she went through.. Again thanks for being direct and to the point.
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I am concerned the son may become even more abusive if he knows you are about to leave. I would go about this carefully, getting all your ducks in a row and all your belongings safely out of harm's way before these two abusive men know you won't be putting up with their abuse anymore. I don't want them escalating their behavior and creating a dangerous situation for you.

I may have missed this suggestion in other posts but you may want to discreetly contact a local women's shelter for advice or at least have their phone number handy. Perhaps you might even go to shelter/safe house sort of place temporarily before going to your family if it seems easier or safer for you.

Get out, but please be cautious.
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Realanswers Aug 11, 2019
Thank you. That's what I'm trying to do. Get all my ducks in a row. Haven't found the right person to call. Office on Aging wasn't helpful. So tomorrow is Monday, will try Social Services. I am determined. I will get these lose ends tied up. I think I should b4 I leave..
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Yes, please leave ASAP. This is a horrible situation that should NOT be tolerated.

I'm sure we'd all love an update when you have a moment.
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