I am a caregiver for a woman (76) who is on 24/7 oxygen and on heavy meds. She likes to drink alcohol and asks us to buy it. Any advice?

Speak with her children and tell them what’s going on. This is up to them to handle, not you. You were hired as health aides. Look over your contracts to see what your duties are. I’m sure contributing to her drinking problems or counseling her on how dangerous it is for her to be drinking are not in your contracts. You also need to speak with your supervisor for agency policies onnwhat you should and should not do.

WeCare256, it is *incredibly* unfair that you are being placed in this situation. All credit to you for going out to find answers.

The ethics are this. If your client is a consenting adult, and she is your employer, and you are sure that she understands her doctor's advice and the consequences of ignoring it, then she is free to make her own choices and you should follow her instructions in this as in any other. It is not an illegal order she's giving you. And it's not as though you're pouring the stuff down her neck. You don't have any right to restrict her purchases.

Having said that. If you are still uneasy about it, tell her so and tell her why and do your best to suggest better choices.

Her kids can take the matter up with her. They don't pay you, they don't give you instructions, what their mother eats and drinks is not their decision to make. You can explain to them how you're trying to support their mother's welfare, but you can also tell them not to take their frustrations out on you.

You can check with her doctor whether in his/her opinion your client is a consenting adult. Keep a log of the conversation, because it shows that you are mindful of your client's ability to make her own decisions.

Do you have insurance when at work? What does the policy say about issues like this?

I've seen a lot of children who try to control what's "best" for Mom. Some go to extremes. No sugar, no gluten, no drugs, no alcohol, no fun. I turned down a position because of just that. I frankly didn't like the way the three daughters were treating their mom, but there was nothing I could do to advocate for her.

I don't recall you saying she was a drop down fall down out of control drunk. However, if that was my life, I'd want to live it the way I wanted to. It doesn't sound like she's an Alzheimer's lady or plagued with dementia .... who are we to dictate how a person wants to live or end their life?

As I pour another glass of wine, I just wonder at the desire of people to take control of their parents as though they are nothing more than children that have to be dealt with.

Ask yourself. Who do you work for? It sounds like it's free lance rather than agency. Whoever pays the bill is the boss.

If she pours for herself ... God Bless her! It's a quality of life issue the way I see it. She still has control over herself and her finances, obviously. It's no one else's business.

Qualiity of life is much more important than quantity of life. Allow her the choices she has control over. Respect her wishes. Even if they are against those of her children. Every doctor on earth will say don't drink. Fine. I'll bet they drink.

I feel very strongly about this. Just because we are old does not mean that our children and doctors get to make all the decisions about us! My children would have ME in assisted living right now. Well, if I could afford it. lol

My point obviously is, don't assume Mama doesn't know best!

Mama

I can see where this is a very conflicting position you are in.

I suppose you can ask for a release of liability from your client and explain the compromised situation you are concerned with.

She hired you. She pays you. So she manages her own finances right? Have you had a problem being paid? Does she seem confused?

She evidently hasnt been deemed incompetent to handle her finances.

Does she ask for a great amount of alcohol? Have you seen her drunk? Has she actually fallen? Does she drink 24/7 or more like a glass of wine with dinner...which may even be helpful depending on which news report you believe. “She pours it herself” sounds like it could be a lot. If she’s drunk on her feet you might get hurt helping her to the bathroom or bed or picking her up from a fall. Thats a job liability you might not be up for.

Has she given you instructions on confidentiality?

How do you know what the doctor said? Did she tell you or did she trust you in with her on a drs visit? Or is this coming from the kids?

Does she know her children have spoken with you about alcohol? Are both groups putting you in the middle? Would you have been concerned if they hadn’t brought it up? Or is this openly discussed?

An issue I often read about on this forum is about patients that are obese and have mobility issues. I wonder to myself, who is bringing them all that food that is making them have diabetes, mobility issues, etc.
Food and alcohol are similar as they are both drugs. The problem with abusing either didn’t just start when you were hired. Yet you are supposed to come in and stop a problem that the family hasn’t been willing or able to stop before you arrived. Anyone can say. Don’t eat junk food. Don’t drink. But it’s not that easy is it?
If you look at your shopping list how many other items are questionable? You can’t be expected to be the food police. This isn’t opium you are being asked to buy.
In our culture these are legal substances available to competent adults.

Your client is a competent adult who hired you to assist her. She’s not asking you to break the law OR to make decisions about how she should live her life.

There is a book you may have read called “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande which discusses aging and living life until we die. I think it helps us seek balance and not get caught up in extremes.

You have a tough job and I’m sure this is a concern for others who do your work.
Thanks for asking it.

If I were in your position I think I would tell the children, I understand how you feel but I work for your mom. Please don’t put me in the middle. Maybe they can work out a compromise on the amount purchased but that’s not really your call IMHO. If she obviously has problems they aren’t addressing I might start looking for another job.

I would say don't buy any alcohol for her.  Not your job and why would you risk any liability? Leave this to her and the kids.

Be very careful. Discussing this with her family is a normal kinda thing to do. Unfortunately, it may violate HIPPA and/or your contract or state laws unless your client has given you permission. If your client is still competent then she also still has privacy rights.

A ROCK & A HARD PLACE - if she is competent & she pays your salary then you do as she asks - if I was you then I'd ask her to personally write out the list & keep it - sometimes the pleasure of a drink is the last pleasure they can do for themselves -

I'd stop at pouring a drink unless you have done the liquor servers certificate [or equivalent where you live & even then deny it] however giving them a glass of ice with pop [even though you know some alcohol will be going into it] is as far as I think you should go

Remember that if you can not have alcohol, not have chocolate, not have garlic, not have meat, not have bread .... you won't live forever it will just seem that way - I bought my 94 year old dad his rum until he died because that 1 or 2 drinks a day he got was his main pleasure in life & think about if you where in same situation .... I'd have something to look forward to each day & that can extend life even more than a lot of meds

I read over the original post. "She pours it herself" does not mean alcoholic. That's first. SHE hired you, that's second.

Are you working for the agency that hired the doctor who made the care plan?

If you are freelance ... I don't see a problem. If you don't give the meds, and pour the drink ... you aren't liable. In my opinion. When you leave, put the alcohol (what is it, by the way?) out of reach. If she's down for the night, she's not going to fall because of alcohol. If she falls after you leave, it's because that's how she wanted it. It's not a demerit on you because you give the lady what she is paying you to give her.

I'd hire you ! Prolonging life isn't necessarily what's best.

Anyone want wine?

Mama

I would not buy her alcohol and you have a good reason not to. First, her meds. Second, fall risk. Third you have been told doctor says no alcohol and children back this up. I would not take the chance if she falls and really breaks something you are sued as being responsible. You have good reason not to buy her alcohol.

You simply should not be in a position to buy her alcohol. The consequences are too great for disaster. Whether you may be liable or not the risks are very great. Let her family deal with this issue.